bakerstreet

Brief bio- A shapeshifting warrior poet alien, who splits his time between superheroics and many human lives, as he tries to find his place on Earth. Feel free to direct tags to a particular secret identity.

1. When I said I have never met someone like you, it was not necessarily a compliment.

2. While I appreciate that you turn to me in times of trouble, I fear texting me ‘halp!!!’ will get us nowhere.

3. Don't feel bad. Everyone accidentally calls me ‘mom’ during a mission at least once. It is a rite of passage.

4. Two minute warning. Suit up.

5. An advantage of being psychic- I can pass my hangover onto someone who deserves it.

6. I do not know how, or why, you have done this. I do know you will pay.

7. This bar is dreadful.

Or wild card to any identity!

Edited 2025-05-23 07:26 (UTC)

When I said no one has, that wasn't a joke.

Good. I wouldn't know one if I saw one.

And here I thought you had seen it all.

a. From behind it’s almost impossible for you to tell which one’s the horse and which one’s the man. Almost, because the horse is decidedly better groomed.
b. I’m not coming out. You told me you knew how to braid hair and now I look like a bird has nested in it. I should have known, with hands like that.
c. I have learned three new magic tricks and several vital places to stab, I think that’s a day well spent, don’t you?
d. Oh, I’m not blaming you for questioning my choices. But in my defence I was left unsupervised.

ota | misfires + crosscanon welcome / choose your own | not quite voicetesting, more like reviewing canon after half a decade. finished book one, read a lot of fanfic, will do book two today. please ignore the lack of icons, i don’t know who i want to use anymore. or better yet if you have ideas, let me know! also it’s unlikely to come up, but laurent has some trigger warnings that some people might be sensitive to.

The muzzle henceforth.

And deny you the edge of my teeth? Have we grown so estranged?

You used to pretend civility.

Did I?

Did you think me civil in the beginning? Don't lie. You know I can tell when you do.

I don't lie to you.

I didn't even spill anyone's blood this time. Isn't that civil?

Was it?

There wasn't a single tear shed. I'm a little disappointed.

Edited 2025-05-23 14:24 (UTC)

That is neither a challenge nor an invitation.

A problem was dealt with, Damen, and nobody died. I thought you'd be rewarding me for my ingenuity, but perhaps maybe you're disappointed. You do like a fight with physicality.

And you don't like to lose.

I would have won regardless.

You eviscerated him with your tongue. At least, next time, use your weapon.

Are you jealous? I can show you the pointed edge of my tongue too, if you want.

Don't involve me in your carnage.

Afraid you won't be able to temper me?

Afraid you won't heed counsel.

Is it wise counsel?

Has it often failed you?

Tell me what you would have suggested otherwise.

Wine and a smile.

...

I should have stabbed him.

All hail the king's peace.

Where's your smile? Certainly you have not been showing it to me.

You haven't been showing me the wine.

Ah.

Am I to wear something short and pour it sweetly?

You don't have the legs for it.

As if you wouldn't enjoy them wrapped around your waist.

My legs are fine. Yours are ungainly. Like tree trunks.

One and all.

( Maybe he should go and cause some chaos, that might serve him right. )

Are you implying something?

I would never.

Ah, you do have some sense.

Now and then.

I'd like to see more of it.

You would be bored and miserable.

And you would share your boredom and your misery.

Maybe you'd find me some new form of entertainment?

Or you choose not to make ruin of smaller men for laughter.

Was he smaller? I didn't notice.

It's you. Every man's smaller.

Is that a compliment?

Where's my wine?

What kind?

The kind you pour sweetly in something short.

Ah, poisoned.

Then, poisoned.

You'd drink it?

You'd serve it?

In the shortest skirt you can find me.

If you feed me poison, I'll swallow it down.

Should I sit in your lap and hold the cup to your mouth?

Is that what you want?

Not particularly.

But I like to keep all things in consideration.

How inspiring.

I thought so.

I'll pretend I believe you'd think that little of poisoning me.

Wouldn't you prefer a more intimate end?

Asleep in my bed with a full belly and a land at peace?

Grey and satisfied?

But all of that is for other men.

Is it? Or are you just not aspiring enough?

I don't share your ambition.

Not all, but some surely?

Surely.

Tell me one of them.

1: Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
2: you want your jacket back or not?
3: please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
4: Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
4: did you actually try to call me or was that an accident?
5: text him??

You better have won the fucking fight - who was it with?

just some of the others from class. i knew you were busy studying and usually go to bed earlier, otherwise we would have asked if you wanted to join us. the fight wasn't really that big a deal.

[ Hope you dont mind if I move it here! ]

1. On the bright side, at least the bruise is in a cool shape. 2. Bar fight aside, I had a great time last night. 3. I could snap you like a glowstick; don't push it 4. If I recall correctly, that was your idea, not mine. 5. I'm literally looking at you; get off the roof. 6. In my defense, he's one chromosome away from being a secondhand deck chair. 7. Why do I have seven missed calls from you - are you imprisoned? Dead? In the process of becoming either? 8. No, I wasn't sleeping; you alright? 9. [ Text her; assumed cr & misfires welcome. ]

I like it up here. Do you own the roof?

Would me saying yes make you come down?

I guess I ought to respect people's property rights.

The view is so nice! You should come up here!

Maybe, once Hades is done investigating. It's poor manners, getting between a Doberman and his daily neighbourhood updates.

wow okay rude.
maybe i just missed your voice ever think of that??

(also maybe i thought i was dying. turns out it was just questionable taco bell.)

I'll send you a recording of me reading a chapter to make up for it. Glad you're not dying - but this is why we stick with Taco Cabesa.

careful, you might actually get me into reading
idk if the world's ready for that

i knowwww but it was like 2 in the morning
and taco bell never sleeps

What if that's my goal? Ah, I see, I see. I was eating cereal watching vine compilations, so you know. Equally as exciting.

important question:
what kind of cereal?

Cinnamon toast crunch - it's not chocolate shreddies but it's nice enough.

cap'n crunch is superior.
but cinnamon toast crunch is pretty good,
i'll give you that.

This is my first foray into American cereal, so I'll happily take recommendations :)

[ She types out something else, but her finger hovers over send a moment or two before she presses it. ]

I've always had it if I've had a bad night. I don't think I could eat it at any other time than 2-3am. Like how some people can't have chicken soup unless they're sick, because of that link? It's like post-nightmare comfort fuel.

mine’s usually those little cosmic brownies
or cheetos and off-brand cola.
you know, real gourmet shit.
last week i ate an entire bag of marshmallows watching infomercials at 4am,
so you’re doin better than me lol

look, i'm no cereal, but hey
next time the nightmares suck,
you can text me, if you want.
i don't sleep much anyways.

I love brownies, I need to make some - thanks for the inspiration :p There's a time and a place for gourmet food; the hours between midnight and 5am are not it. (trust me, I'm a doctor) I mean, if there's anything consistent in this world, it's nightmares being shit, so...thanks I'll take you up on that. The same goes for you, okay?

[ If nothing else, it'll be nice to have company when she feels sick and panicked and alone. ]

oh man i haven't had homemade ones since i was a kid, i think.

right, dr. moreau. how could i forget?

yeah i guess there's no such thing as a good nightmare.
deal. thank you.

Not to brag (I'm definitely bragging) but I'm kind of amazing at baking, so when I make some, you'll be the first to know. Frankly, it's rude you keep forgetting. I spend all that time earning the title, and for what? My pleasure.

Edited (Typos vex meeee) 2025-05-30 17:23 (UTC)

you can brag all you want as long as i get to be your guinea pig once in a while

listen my memory ain't what it used to be

1: Could you please repeat that, but with context?
2: Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
3: you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
4: never leave me alone again. not that i was scared. i totally wasn't! i was just worried you'd do something stupid without me!
5: text him???

need someone watching things while im busy

[ he would be doing something stupid regardless, it's okay. ]

knew you had me covered

fine. i'll do my best. just don't take too long! and don't come back injured this time, okay?

[Yeah. Chopper knows and expects this. It's Zoro, after all.]

good man
should be done soon

nothing you cant patch up

[ he also fully believes that chopper can sew a limb back on, so there is some room for interpretation. ]

i don't want to have to patch anything up! don't be reckless, zoro! and don't let luffy do anything stupid either!

[Zoro plz.]

im not the one who should be worried

luffys fine
i can see him from here

i know you and luffy can handle yourselves. but i also know how many times you've gotten hurt even just since you recruited me onboard.i

so just. be careful, okay? both of you.

you should know im not the type to hold back
if i get hurt then thats on me

[ it would only show the limits of his current strength. he needed to be better. ]

no point in worrying about it
just have faith in our captain

it's also on me to patch you up! So don't go getting hurt in the first place!

right. of course, i do!

told you ill be fine

[ mostly. probably. ]

i know
you got a job to do too
were counting on you

you better be! and don't come back saying you'll just sleep it off this time if you do get hurt!

[Rest is good but you can't just sleep and drink off injuries!]

I'm staying with the ship. it's fine. I'm more worried about the rest of you.

wasnt that serious
bandage woulda been a waste of time

[ he fails to see the issue. he didn't bleed out, so a little beer and a nap would absolutely solve it. ]

dont
nothings gonna happen

[ not while he's there to stop it. ]

bandages mean your injuries won't get infected, keeping them covered and keeping pressure on them so you won't bleed as much.

[Sometimes he wonders how the heck his beloved crew managed before he joined.....]

it's quiet here. just let me know when you're on the way back and i can start getting ready so we can go.

still had lots of blood left

[ logic. ]

twirly brow is taking a few of the others back
should be there soon

well catch up

that's not the point!

got it. i'll be ready for him. nobody is hurt that needs anything ready?

[ ooc: moved here to avoid captcha. ]

1. It’s all coming back to me in waves... Waves of humiliation and nausea.

2. The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions

3. Wait... Why were you finger painting at one in the morning?

4. I'm lying on the floor in my office praying my boss doesn't come to work today. Never again.

5. I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.

6. Wildcard, text him!

Yeah… me too. How do I make it stop?

Well throwing up is not the answer, it just made my throat burn.

I dunno. It made the room stop spinning for me, at least.

Well good for you, I still feel like garbage and it did not purge my hangover like I hoped it would.

You’ll live. Or at least, you’ll survive the hangover part. Whether or not you survive the humiliation is anyone’s guess.

You don’t know that for sure. The humiliation is pretty bad too. I lost all sense of English propriety.

… you could say that, yeah. But I’d say you just got fun, so there’s that.

Because I let you drag me into you getting on a table and climbing a statue shenanigans?

Exactly that, yeah. Besides, the statue thing was only a bad idea once we needed to get down again. And I caught you, sort of, so it was fine.

Oh.
That’s what the bruise on my ribs is from then.
Wonderful.

Better than them being broken. You’re welcome, by the way.

My Knight in shining leather jacket.

Maybe I’ll even give you a princess carry next time. Save you eating shit on your way home.

Maybe I enjoy skinning my knees.
But I might let you if you can pick me up.

You say that like it’s a challenge.

It is!

[ It’s not. It wouldn’t be difficult AT ALL. ]

Sure. I’ve finally met my match in a skinny British man. There’s no way I could lift you.

[ escaping captcha here! ]

Well. Not ALL of them are craving Chinese.

Ah.
Well.
I personally think Chinese food is much better than eating people.

You might be... surprised just how much you might like it, Archivist.

No thank you.
I think I’ll stick to trying to uh… not eat people.

Edited (typo sorry ) 2025-05-23 16:24 (UTC)

Does it... honestly even matter anymore? We're not exactly doing our jobs anymore at this point.

[Actively trying to kill your boss is probably NOT how you should spend your work day, but it's the only thing that's keeping her going at this point. Let her have her dreams.]

It matters because he’ll only see fit to give me more work and increase my hangover exponentially.
Probably annoy me too.
I’d rather not be annoyed when I’m trying to feel sorry for myself.

[ This is all Daisys fault. ]

Did you try to go shot-for-shot with Daisy?

Yes.
How is she as fresh as her namesake and I am dying?
I mean it was needed but I have regrets.
Is anybody working or are all of you on strike?

Is there a more appropriate time for finger painting?

[ The answer, of course, is no. Not past the age of ten. Like Martin has shame. ]

[ escaping captcha here! ]

1. You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!

2. Whatever. I hate you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.

3. You ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??

4. How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?

5. Can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism?

6. Wildcard! Text her!

Tell her you didn’t even get to the good part, yet. Maybe she’ll pay you, instead.

She should pay me, the stories she gets from me are incredible even though I keep having to tell her my work is classified and I can’t break my nda

All of this whilst also maintaining an air of mystery. You’re her favorite client, for sure.

I don’t think I am
I’m pretty sure she thinks I’m working for the Tories and that’s why I called my boss evil
(For your American reference that would be like working for the Republicans)

I would have assumed you were just working a job where you had to answer to some evil corporate overlord. But I can see how the wires would get crossed.

Unfortunately the evil overlord bit isn’t entirely inaccurate

So is your job title like… “minion”?

Yes
We paint ourselves yellow and our uniform is dungarees

Very cute. I bet the horrors love it.

Ba doo bee!
(I may have just googled how to speak Minion on my work computer, you’re welcome Elias)

I vote that you respond to him only in minion from now on.

Not sure Elias won’t find a way to make my life unbearable if I do that
Might try it on Jon though

Sure, take your wins where you can get them.

Annoying Jon is always a win in my book

That's what happens when you have too much fun the night before.

It mostly wasn’t even fun, that’s the worst part! It was stuffy investors and too much champagne!

Ah. [That kind of drinking.]

Champagne is bad for that. Try picking a different drink if you can, next time.

Unfortunately it was all champagne. I’m not sure the English upperclass understand that not all parties need prosecco or champagne as the only drinks and they’re allowed to be a bit common and have a beer.
And I had to wear black tie.
It was terrible.

I don't miss those parties.

But they do always have alternatives. You just need to ask for something appropriate. Whiskey, brandy, sherry... maybe even a martini.

If you want, next time you can bring me to help make it a bit more bearable. Assuming you didn't already have backup.

Well I suppose that could be an option, though I was trying not to anger my boss any more than usual

Honestly if you don’t mind putting up with the toffs then yes
I thought it would be fine but apparently almost the entire rest of the team are good at schmoozing and the two who aren’t went and abandoned me
I’m going to spread a rumour they went off to make out in revenge

Your boss would get angry at you drinking something different?

Solid revenge.
I'll share a few tips for enduring them with minimal effort on your part, and some for getting out of terrible conversations.

Oh he’s a prick of the highest order so I wouldn’t be shocked
He told us all to behave and try to only drink three glasses and otherwise to “not embarrass him in any way, shape or form.”
Not entirely sure we managed as one of the investors tried to hit on me and I glared at him until he went away

Thank you
Everyone already thinks they’re a thing anyway
That would be great because apparently dead-eyed stares are not an appropriate strategy
Not sure what else he expected of me

Why did he bring you? It's not a game everyone can play.

You're at a disadvantage there. It's especially egregious for a woman to give death glares at a party. I would have enjoyed watching the pearl clutching you caused, though.

He brought me because he brought the entire Archive team and I think he might secretly be a bit of a sadist

Oh I caused pearl clutching from start to finish
His exact quote was “I can’t believe I was more worried about bringing Daisy.”
He should have known I’m very bad at high society

Maybe he brought you because he wanted to watch the other guests suffer as well.

Did he not at least run through the basics with you all?

You know what that does sound like Elias… What a horrible thing to inflict on his investors
My awkward unsocialised self

No
Why would he do that when he could watch at least two of us flounder?
I hope it was more fun watching Jonathan struggle through making nice with people than it was watching me

1. my dick has been asking about you. he said he didn't do anything wrong and i'm a dumbass.
2. fell into a man hole last night. been bleeding since 11pm. got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
3. i can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life.
4. you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
5. that's the last time we turn jeopardy into a drinking game.
6. ( please bug him )

Or if you could make your rendez-vous point.

remind me again who decided 0400 was a reasonable hour?

Circumstance.

figures. circumstance never calls ahead or brings coffee. real diva.

You've survived longer than most assigned partners.

Don't abuse your luck now.

not abusing it. just testing the limits.

for science.

The science of an early grave.

[ overflow ⇾ ]

your dick sure does a lot of talking. is there anything you want to add to this conversation

i let him handle most of the public relations. i’m just the chauffeur.

and your driving skills are absolute shit. if you want forgiveness, then i'll need to hear those lovely words and get some cash. adding in a little booze also wouldn't hurt considering what a crime it is to treat a woman such as myself so poorly.

you drive a hard bargain, valentine.
i’ll bring the booze but you’re gonna have to settle for IOUs on the cash and groveling.

where would the fun be if i made this easy?
i'm still getting those other two. is it really that hard to get on your knees for me?

depends. you asking me to beg or proposing something more fun?

let's just say, if you're on your knees for me, then you could have a lot of fun

yeah? mind telling me what kind of fun?

riding your face fun. how does the chauffeur feel about that?

( he feels his dick twitch at the thought— )

chauffeur's honored to offer premium service.
no hands, no brakes. just the ride you deserve.

see? it pays to be on my good side.

[ She's smirking at her cell. It's not an actual apology, but she'll put his mouth to good use. ]

i'll be waiting in my room

I can only hope to improve your life for at least a little bit. I'll be nice, I promise!

you’re already ruining my ability to stay cynical. impressive.

Well, I try. Being on my best behavior will benefit the two of us, I'm sure. Especially when my cat is involved.

a cat, huh? figures you'd have backup in case i get too smug.

Can you really compete with this, though?

[Best excuse for Ambrosia to send Spike a picture of her cat.]

I suppose I *could* put you both at a tie if I'm feeling generous.

tell the cat i'm not going down without a fight. or a kiss. whichever works.

Thalia says "meow meow".

Which I translate as, "he can catch these paws."

bold words from someone who naps 16 hours a day. i like her.

To think you have a worthy opponent who is 10 inches tall and very soft. How does it feel?

feels about right. i've got a thing for small, dangerous women.

Ha! Better make sure she doesn't hear that, or else she'll fall for you and forget about fighting for my attention.

if she's smart, she'll realize i've got eyes on a different beauty. but i'm flattered all the same.

Got it. I'll let Thalia know that her human opponent and I need some privacy. She might want to use your lap as her pillow in return, though.

fair trade. she just can't get too comfy. this lap has limited real estate.

1. is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? it's imperative I stock accordingly.

2. I made a nest in this bed. I'm not leaving.

3. no, I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story.

4. I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex. we are secretly trying to kill each other

5. don't drag this out. all I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.

6. I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair

found more tequila

[ or text her! ota crosscanon, misfires, assumed cr, etc. ♥ ]

Tequila.

so it's a "clothes optional" kind of problem solving night.

Of the list, I would rank clothes as one of the most optional of variables.

[Is he already drunk?]

[ she wouldn't dare assume... ]

I do prefer to travel light.

but limes and salt are required.

Do you truly think I would suggest tequila without it's required accouterments?

They are abundant and impeccable quality.

[Offended and drunk.]

[ about to be offended and drunk alone, tonight. ]

well, since you already have the salt and sour covered, there's no need for me to contribute, is there?

[ brb slamming back some of this tequila en route. ]

The salt and the sour, perhaps. Yet I do not have the savor that will complete the experience.

That is, unless you choose to grace me with your company.

[There is no possible world in which he was gonna be alone tonight, don't play.]

[ look.

just because he's right doesn't mean she has to acknowledge it. all part of a dance that is becoming all too familiar... ]

always a pleasure to have my finer flavors appreciated.

if there's still room in the bathtub for me, eta 15.

My dear, I merely pay you your due.

[Even if she's always ready with those little barbs.

Unless it's because of them.]

I assure you, I've upgraded my suite. Should the need arise, we may fit a handful of companions in with us.

oh, I think you're more than a handful enough.

Far be it from me to dictate your options.

what if I wanted you to?

Careful. Turnabout is fair play.

I certainly hope so.

so tell me.

It would certainly cause quite the stir if you went without.

would it? I'm not so sure.

I am. Considering, I'd match.

well, that does certainly paint a picture.

an even more tempting one.

I hope you're not expecting me to dissuade you.

Of course not. I have learned the folly of expectation when it comes to you.

TMI

[ stares at her phone. ]

I'd apologize, but we both know I'd be lying. hadn't pegged you for a prude.

woah woah woah not a prude

just not interested in the mental images thanks

sounds like something a prude would say.

sounds like someone doesn't have siblings

[Insight???]

[ she's less surprised than she might've been if she didn't. you know. Know. the sibling. ]

touché.

truce? the mental images weren't meant for you, anyway.

yeah alright truce

just be a little more careful with who you're sending to

wouldn't wanna end up on the yamato because of some missed place tit pic

1. At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.

2. At some point I am going to say to you "I have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.

3. Honestly, fuck you guys. I'm gonna get drunk by myself

4. Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.

5. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.

6. Wildcard (text him!)

Not sure I like the idea of you doing a Jonathan but sure. If you don’t call I'll grab Daisy and we’ll get you back.

Didn’t realize he too was a torture cave aficionado. Thanks for the backup.

Oh he gets into all kinds of stupid stuff like torture caves, getting kidnapped, getting blown up…
Me and Daisy can handle a lot so you’re welcome

Sounds like my soulmate.
I already know you get into a lot of… weird shit. So, I trust you.

If that’s true perhaps I should let you die in the torture caves, it would be a kindness
Oh there’s weird shit a-plenty here
I know how to knife fight because I got brain-jacked by an entity of Slaughter

You know. As far as my love life goes, that checks out.
That sounds… terrible. But at least you have new skills, I guess.

Oh god if you’re catching feelings I strongly suggest you stop
It was pretty bad, but also kind of liberating in a way
And yeah now I can knife fight!

I’m not, I just think he’s nice to look at. Don’t send me to an early grave, yet.
I mean. I learned the boring way where some asshole just beats it into you until you’re good to go. Still think I’d take that over the brainjacking, though.

Oh Christ and it isn’t totally off-putting every time he opens his mouth?
Honestly that sounds terrible too
At least I got to be mean and angry and have an excuse for it!

I’ll be honest, that’s not stopped me before.
I guess that does sound cathartic.

Well then I’m not sure I can help you
With your bad choices
I will still rescue you from the torture cave if I have to

What would I be without them?
Thanks, you’re a pal.

Happier
Possibly
But whose to say
I have a ruined life and years of therapy so certainly not me

So what you’re saying is, neither of us know what we’re talking about and we should keep making terrible choices.

My therapist would definitely disagree
But hey she’s not the boss of me or you or any bad choices

Imagine how bored she’d be if you started taking her advice. You’re doing her a favor. Keeping her employed, even.

I could get our translation team on the case if you feel the need to know what they’re saying.

Nah. I know enough to know I don’t really wanna hear the rest. Unless it’s of interest to you, I guess?

Part of me does want to know but Spain isn’t exactly within my jurisdiction.

I knew you would. I’d tell you if I turned up anything good, but you know how it is.

Nothing to do with cults is ever objectively “good”?

Not usually. But maybe one day we’ll turn up one that’s just super into crochet or something.

Ah, yes. The cult of the doilies.

Right?? That’s gotta be harmless.

Actually I would worry that they might somehow be minions of The Web

[ But he’s paranoid ]

That’s… certainly a theory. But weirder things have happened.

Precisely!
It could all be a front and a trap.

[ please don’t encourage him ]

Who are they trapping though? Old ladies? That’s pretty dark.

Old ladies can be very dangerous themselves!
I know of several who either are or were terrifying.

Fine, you win. Every cult is doomed to be a bad time.

the last time you said that we almost got murdered by a fucking cult

Almost. You’re still breathing. Just trust me.

NO!!!!!! that wasnt even A FUN CULT

Sorry, when was the last time you encountered a “fun cult”?

uhhhhhhhh church maybe?

a. Do you think this party would improve if I knocked that ice sculpture over? Because it’s the most tame in my long list of distractions, the next one is significantly more dramatic.
b. Oh, because I’m standing outside a Popmart at 8am for my own benefit. Yes, I know she’s mad at me. I’m fixing it.
c. One of these days you’re going to slink into the wrong place at the wrong time and the situation won’t be so forgiving.
d. My authority diminishes the more you catch me eating ramyeon in the dark hours of the morning, is that it?

ota | misfires + crosscanon welcome / choose your own

I think you should go with your second option. Let loose. Live a little.

Setting the table cloth alight.

That would be infinitely more entertaining than this conversation.

If she touches your chest again I'll make sure to get my lighter out.

Be glad you can't see where else she's touched.

Angle her towards the ice sculpture, I'll make sure it crushes her as it falls.

Her dress is likely decently flammable.

That might be a little extreme. I was hoping to end the night more pleasantly. I don't mind handcuffs, just not the entire jailcell.

Remind me about the handcuffs when I'm not trying to message you between propositions.

Aish, I wish I could save you from those wandering hands. But say the word and I'll start acting atrociously.

What should the word be? I'll shout it the next time someone strays lower than my belt.

Oh, I'll just cause a scene now regardless. Don't worry, it's not entirely out of the ordinary.

Don't ruin my fun so early. I want to see how hold they'll get.

Only if you remember we're sneaking out of here later.

You'll have to be the highest bidder, won't you?

( someone will surely find some excuse for why he needs to leave with her. )

I do have a lot of money.

Do you? I wasn't aware.

Elijah would probably let me bankrupt us. Needs must.

She would for Kwon Minho, I don't know that she'd be as pleased if it's me.

Mm, she'll have to forgive me.

I don't know, the minister just told me about the exclusive spa she wants to take me to.

Aish, such luxury.

You haven't taken me to a spa.

Because we'd get kicked out. I'm a judge, I can't be arrested for indecency.

Why? What's indecent about it?

( please tell him something nice, he's losing the will to go on. )

I don't know if I should tell you how much I want to touch you while you're stuck in a room with so many people who think they just can.

Would you like a spa?

Fair enough. Just know I'm thinking about it anyway.

I would like to soak in hot water for a while but I bet you could do some real damage on my aches with those hands.

I could run a bath.

When you come home with me. Does that count?

Hmm. It's upping the odds in your favour.

The Minister says she's going to find you later. She sounds like she has plans.

I'll spend my time hiding behind that pillar, not drinking the wine.

Have you been asked to the lounge later? Or am I just that important?

That SRF secretary mentioned something. I didn't stick around for very long to hear more.

Will you sneak me in?

I think I'm there to bolster egos, so I don't know how much power I have. I can see what I can do if you want an in. They might get suspicious if I mention you by name, though.

Don't worry, they still want something from me. I won't leave you with the lionesses.

I think they're just as hungry for you as they are for me.

Fortunately I have enough of a reputation for biting back.

Be glad you're allowed teeth at all.

A few more hours and then I'll make it up to you.

( His short circuit with someone brings Gaon back into his eyeline - still being harassed - and so his next text comes when his conversation partner wanders off. )

That suit does look good on you.

And you don't even know what's under it.

Oh?

( he hasn't picked yohan out of the room again yet but he smiles at his phone all the same.)

It's not that lurid, the choices were mostly tame for this evening.

Did you think of me when choosing it?

I thought about what you might enjoy taking off me later.

Something that will keep me going throughout the night then.

Hwaiting, Judge Kang.

🫰

( Look what Elijah taught him. But there's silence for a bit, a conversation about viewing records he couldn't care less for, then one about Foundation fundraising that's worse. Eventually he breaks away to send another. )

Holding up?

Reviewing my contract in my head to figure out where I agreed to sexual harassment. I think it might have been page one. You?

Sadly they wouldn't respect the contract even if it said otherwise.

And I'm thinking of moving to Switzerland. So it's going well.

I've heard good things about Switzerland. Take me with you.

I did bring the faster car, we can make a break for it.

Do you think anyone would notice we're missing?

We'd be gone either way.

True. It might be worth it.

You still haven't seen the backseat.

Wait, you brought that one??

It's a nice car.

Wow. How long until this over? How long do we have to stay late? They don't know the plans I have.

We could slip away before the tedious speeches? They always have some.

If only. I'm expected in the VIP room, remember?

Next time let me know in advance. I'll make some ridiculous counter offer. I'm known to be difficult enough that no one would question the buying of a date. Then I could keep you out of their grasp.

You'd outspend the ministers on me?

Again, I have a lot of money.

( His own, even. More than he needs. )

Next time. But save your money for something worthwhile. There are worse parts of my job than these parties.

Funny.

I'd prefer anything else.

I guess you haven't had to put latex pants on before.

( A laugh that he has to cover up lest someone wonder why Judge Kang is grinning at his phone like this. )

Well, there was that time in university --.

No, I'm kidding. I don't believe I have or had the thighs for that.

Respectfully, Judge Kang, I have to disagree.

I'm afraid it's something we'll have to leave to the imagination, Kim Gaon. It's not something I'm going to pull off.

Don't worry, I'll pull them off you.

If you keep making me laugh then these people will start to think I'm approachable.

Well we don't want that. They might think they deserve your attention more than me.

There's not a single person in this room worth even as half as much of it as you are, Gaon-ah.

You're just saying that because you want to sleep with me.

I do. But you could say no, and it would still be true.

Keep that in mind while I'm fawning over politicians, please.

As long as I know your true heart I'm sure I'll be fine.

It astounds me that you keep going back to it.

They're easy, and if you catch the microwave just right no one is woken by the beeping.

There's an option to turn the beeping off.

( ...

...

... )

There is?

Yes? You can turn the sound off. It's in the settings.

I haven't read the manual.

( He just knows how to press the start button enough times to get his food hot, what do you expect of him? )

It's probably still around somewhere.

It's online. You can just look up the model number on your phone. Or I can, if that's too much for you.

I know how to use the internet, Kim Gaon.

( Catch him in his pjs arguing with the microwave. )

Then you should be able to figure it out easily. I have faith, Bujangnim. Hwaiting.

Be sarcastic after I've eaten my ramyeon, not before.

That was fully sincere.

Truly? My mistake.

( Press x for doubt. )

1. Do you think if we got back into the ShinRa uniforms we could use them to get the special dessert discount?

2. Okay, so we won, right? I remember the crowd cheering and then...nothing else.

3. The flowers know what you did last night!

4. Why is my hair bright red with black stripes???

5. I didn't steal the plants, I saved them! They told me they wanted help...

The flowers know nothing.
But if they did, then surely they would agree upon a healthy dose of reminding the Turks of their place.

[A long pause between texts.]

I made sure not to step on them.

Nope! The flowers know everything. They're all seeing and all knowing.

Which means they'll give you a few points in their favor for remembering not to step on them. Not everyone does...

Are you having some Turk problems again?

Man, summoning Bahamut Zero left you that winded?

I had to carry you to our room, y'know. But credit where it's due, you did wipe the floor with those Tonberry Kings.

[ Yes. Multiple. Battle Square has some weird challenges these days. ]

Hey! I was also keeping my arcane ward down to double cast almost the entire fight! Up until my summon.

Most of the credit should go to Bahamut Zero. He did really great. Not sure if we'd have wiped the floor or been on the floor without him.

Did...we get one of the crowns from them? [ she really wanted one!!!! ]

👀

1. that’s what my night consisted of. consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up on my hands.

2. they let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. i saw it. it was cool. Well, i guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose.

3. at least life still wants to fuck me.

4. so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?

I hope you weren’t consoling the girls without washing your hands first.

I had a bottle of water and hand sanitizer, i did my best

I may not be an expert on girls but I’m pretty sure they don’t like getting vomit on them.

to be clear: at no point did i ask these girls to pour their hearts out to me

How many girls was this anyway?

two of my sister's friends
apparently they were dating the same guy???
i don't know, it was a Lot

Yeah girls tend to get upset about that sort of thing.

[look we Do Not talk about valentine’s day ok.]

They both threw up on you?

no
i think i did a really bad job of explaining this
there was a houseparty
and a bonfire
and a lot of alcohol

It means whatever you were after yesterday left you pretty fucked up
I had to pretty much hold you down to keep you from stumbling all over

Wait are the bruises from you or the monster

Both
but probably mostly my fault
the monster just hit you with some kind of whammy, you were pretty out of it
Convinced there was something you had to go do but you couldn't really explain it to me so I have no idea what.

wow, what a pain in the ass
for you, i mean
you could have just let me go

and run off with no idea what you were doing? nah. You weren't actually hard to deal with anyway, just very persistent.

it's a lot of bruises, dude
i must have been flopping around like a fish for ages
i owe you pancakes or something

Not really?
I mean I won't say no if you want to, but I didn't mind.

you "didn't mind" babysitting me all night

Was I supposed to or something

i believe that would be an extremely normal reaction to have to it, yes

You were pretty easy to watch out for
It was more entertaining than anything really

now im worried im gonna end up on the internet

Hey, I wouldn't do that to you. I'll keep the videos to myself.

[He's just joking; he was too busy keeping an eye out even if he'd thought of it.]

oh, good, you've got blackmail material
good to know, good to know
so about those pancakes

Well if you're trying to get me not to use it, that's a good start.

im gonna show people these bruises
tell em you beat me up

some reward for trying to help you
Next time maybe I should take pictures, just to cover myself

i mean
you did technically leave the bruises
so it's not a total lie

I'll have to be more careful in the future I guess, wouldn't want to give you more to use against me

Look at what your life has come to
aren't you just super glad you started dating someone who got you possessed be a spirit

yep
Couldn't be any better

bullshit
I was supposed to take you out last night

so? You can take me out another night

no i mean i bought concert tickets off one of my coworkers cos her boyfriend has the flu
i was gonna surprise you
that's probably what i was trying to go do 🫠

oh

Well, it's still fine
this stuff happens, I get it.

sorry, im being weird again
i haven't ever been with someone whos in the loop but isn't part of the hunter stuff
that's not a criticism!!!! i like that you're not involved
I'm just incapable of being normal about shit

you're not really
It's fine babe
I just didn't realize you had a plan, it's sweet.

as long as you're not sick of it yet
what's your work schedule look like

[whatever his mystery job is, and it's getting harder not to pry.]

Gonna be busy for a few days starting wed.
pretty clear until then, though

[hopefully it won't be too long, but he's not sure, and overshooting seems better than under.]

do you wanna come look at my bruises later so i can pretend to be self conscious and you can tell me you think I'm still hot

It's a date.
When are you free?

for like two weeks :)
water main burst in the store last night and the owners are on vacation
until Friday so they can't even start repairs until then
if i win the lottery in the next couple days I'll take you on vacation too while im off

I'll keep my fingers crossed for you

if I knew your schedule was that open I might've just headed back there when I was done

[he had to leave this morning to meet someone, but he'd also figured Leo would be busy today.]

i get it. can't spend all night with me without checking in with your other, cooler boyfriend. I'm not hurt, really.

really

you're in luck though, he's still got to work. guess I'll just have to hang out with you.

even though I'm hideous and all covered in bruises?

1. I just caused a six car pile-up to steal a pizza. So how has your night been?

2. Yes, I bit you. But only because YOU LICKED ME FIRST!

3. Do you think I should leave the bodies on his doorstep like a pissed-off cat trying to send a message?

4. I didn't even throw knives this time! It was just the carrot peeler!

5. Yes, I have been living under a rock. Hence asking you what I’ve missed over the last ten years.

6. Text him!

You know, you're kinda a marvel of physics, right? Anything you throw with the right amount of force and velocity still causes damage!

[She should know. Red Kryptonite Kara used peanuts once to wreck havoc in a bar.]

Point taken. And thank you for the compliment. But no one is dead, dying, missing an eye, or has brain damage right now. So I still consider the night a success!

Sure.
Considering your track record... 🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳

Yay! No one is dead or mutilated by your hand! 🎊🎉

Uh, I'm being sincere! I swear! For some reason, this is reading very sarcastic. 😅

Edited 2025-05-24 03:04 (UTC)

To here!

you had a bit of something on the side of your face.

And you couldn't have just wiped it off with a napkin, a sleeve, or a long-haired dog like a normal person???

i was curious if it was blood or tomato sauce. either way, you were holding out on me.

I should be surprised but this is a good reminder to me that I'm in a relationship with someone completely feral.

no no, because i always come back home for a warm bed and to be fed.

Just like any smart formerly feral cat would do. Though I guess I've worked on taming you enough so you enjoy being pet and held instead of swiping and hissing instead when I try.

yet we seem to still need a muzzle for you. got my ear good.

still didn't answer my question, though. blood or tomato sauce?

To here!

Why do you ask me these things, knowing what my answer will be?

To here!

How about next time I just buy you a pizza?

To here!

Yeah prop them up in funny poses while you're at it.

To here!

1. they just rested their head on my chest, muttered something about "tiddies warm" and then started sobbing. i didn't have the heart to push them away

2. WHY IS THERE ALWAYS A TORTURE BASEMENT

3. i have not slept in 72 hours i am pretty sure i can feel my bones and i have exceeded what is considered safe coffee consumption levels for a human

4. i agreed to wear the collar because it has a bell and i kept sneaking up on you. the leash wasn't part of the deal

5. ( or text her! )

I wouldn't have minded.

you seemed so distressed, it would've been too mean.....

[ ... ]

It's important to assert yourself.

i assert myself plenty!

[ Debatable. ]

and besides, it didn't bother me either. i was more worried than anything else

[ Lapis asserts herself plenty. ( ) TRUE (X) DOUBT ]

If I said "tiddies", I would have been worried, too.
I didn't know it was in my vocabulary.

I apologize for the inconvenience.

Edited 2025-05-23 22:04 (UTC)

1. He keeps asking where I got my clothes and accessories. I'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
2. Why did I wake up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning?
3. I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship.
4. You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.

Since he is commenting on the accessories, I would venture to say: shopping. He wants an outfit, not a night out.

He could have at least been a little more forthright about it.

I am certain many could say the same about you.

Poppycock. I'm nothing if not honest.

Are you sure you want to use that word?

Poppycock? What's wrong with it? I thought it added a little whimsy to the situation. Gods know it's needed.

"Honest". That's a rather big word with serious implications and expectations.

I am utterly gutted by the insinuation.

And why is that?

[ Yes, do tell her why, Astarion~ ]

I am perfectly honest???

[ over here ]

I asked, Astarion, because I'm quite certain I saw an amulet of that same size and shape in my own pack before I spotted you strutting around the camp wearing it.

That is a slanderous accusation, Gale. I won't hear it and I won't respond to it.

That's convenient for you, isn't it?

If we're to work as a team, we can't be stealing from one another. Particularly when you know that my need for magical objects is rather more than cosmetic!

Even if that is what happened (and it isn't, by the way, THE GALL), we can't afford to sacrifice every useful item we find, you know.

Far be it from me to point out the obvious, but not making those sacrifices comes with an unaffordable cost as well.

And besides, I don't use EVERY useful item. Just last tenday we picked up that handsome rapier for Wyll!

Oh of course, how silly of me to forget all those flourishes right in my face. Must have slipped my mind entirely.

All the same --

I will have to ask you, as a friend, to return the amulet to me. I find myself feeling weary and in need of arcane energy.

Sorry, do friends greet one another with slander? I told you, darling, you've got it all wrong.

[ No, he doesn't. ]

Astarion. I do try to be understanding of your compulsive need to be difficult, but certainly you realize that this is a matter of life and death.

Or, more accurately, just death.

DIFFICULT? All these attacks on my character, and I don't even get the courtesy of printed tripe in the Mouth? I am offended.

Wounded, even.

Edited (sorry, autocorrect went rogue) 2025-05-23 16:48 (UTC)

Perhaps you would have found 'challenging' a more flattering descriptor.

If you really intend to be like this, then I suppose I'm left with no choice but to negotiate. What do you want for it?

Pity I don't have it; I need a new crossbow, approximately 50 gold, and dye that is not of the muddy or green variety...

50 gold! You do realize that if my condition worsens, you won't have opportunity to use that crossbow at all, on account of being caught in the explosion of necrotic energy.

I can offer you a dye. Crimson. I was considering offering it to you anyway, since it seems to suit your particular aesthetic more than mine.

Gale, this thought exercise should not include something you'd hand over anyway. Where's your bargaining spirit?

40; purely metaphorical of course.

Astarion. This is not a joking matter.

35 for taking things entirely too seriously.

If I had 35 gold on my person, don't you think I would use it to purchase my own trinket rather than squabble with you over an amulet?

-- And, if anything, I'm not taking it seriously enough. With so much at risk, perhaps I should have simply taken it back instead of attempting to negotiate.

Oh, take the fun out of everything why don't you?

Fine. You can have your metaphoric locket that I assuredly never stole back at a metaphoric time tonight when there are no eyes on this entirely fictional exchange.

Thank you, Astarion. But I'm afraid I may not be able to wait until tonight. I've done my best to prolong the time that passes between absorbing the artifacts' energy, but the orb's hunger is growing unbearable.

How very convenient for you that the orb is seemingly ungovernable. Ridiculous.

FINE. But I am never--and I will only repeat this once, NEVER--going to suffer the inconvenience again.

If I could govern the orb I most certainly would!

But thank you, I suppose, for suffering the unconscionable inconvenience of stopping a mass casualty event -- that would include yourself, I might add.

Yes, yes, we're all going to die. As if we don't hear this three times a day.

I apologize if you find my efforts to avert certain disaster tiresome. I assure you, the last year has not been enjoyable for me. You have no idea the caliber of magical artifacts turned to mundanity to feed the orb.

Surely you, of all people, can understand hunger.

We're comparing urges now, are we? HONESTLY.

Comparing, no. Finding common ground in our shared experience!

I would say my own don't single handedly affect the entire economy of the Sword Coast, but...even I couldn't keep a straight face doing so.

You're not getting an apology out of me.

You said I was not to be privy to a cure to my own hangover come this morning until I gave in to your 'demands'. You did not say what those were.

An alcoholic puppy? That's not adorable, that's incredibly sad, and quite possibly, soon to be dead.

And there is nothing wrong with being a little bit pleased with the purchase of some good quality cheese. Now all we need is a decent wine, and perhaps some fresh, slightly chilled, grapes.

Fine, don't take the compliment. But remember that you are the one who made it...weird. Not me.

However, as long as the vintage is good enough to distract from the fact that it isn't blood, I might be inclined to forgive you.

This once.

You compared me to a baby animal with a drinking problem! You could have just stopped at 'puppy'. That would have been a compliment!

Oh, you're assuming I'm willing to share...

... Luckily for you, I believe the best vintages should be taken with company. You won't want to partake in the cheese and grapes, I assume?

A CUTE baby animal with a slight fixation.

Be that as it may, you may keep the cheese and grapes to yourself.

I'll take the cute baby animal part, but I'm switching the slight fixation to for artisan dairy produce.

[Even though since he mentioned the wine, that's all he can think of getting his hands on now. Only because it's a fine wine, of course...]

Happily. Perhaps you should pick the bottle? So you can be certain to enjoy it with me?

Clever way of getting me to buy it, I suppose, but I forgive you. This once. If only because you are right; I'd trust no one else to try.

That would happen to most "friendships" in such circumstances.

So "accident" means nothing now, does it?

[ As "unintentional" does the heavy lifting of a hill giant. ]

Is it still an "accident" if it keeps happening?

Just because something has happened more than once doesn't make it not an accident, darling.

Sounds more like a regular occurrence.

As if I schedule a murder attempt? PLEASE.

Then why does it keep happening?
A valid thing to ask, is it not?

And I've told you, have I not?

[ over here ]

What. I am not. Lies and slander, that.

[Alas, he's talking out of his ass. Look, it's not his fault if he can take decent pleasure in the little things, right?? Right???]

Apologies, was that not you I saw practically keening last night?

It was not! It absolutely, 100% could not have possibly been me. Must be some other drow you mistook for me.

[He's just going to stick with this until it either becomes sad or too funny to keep up the bit....]

Yes, because I'm personally acquainted with so many of you. My mistake.

:)

Ugh, there is really only so far I can take that over messages.

An 'alcoholic puppy'? Really? I'm not that bad with the bottle... right?

[His tolerance is pretty good, he thinks? (It isn't. His tiny stature does not help matters one bit.)]

Not quite, no. We'd hardly still be friends. I draw lines at secondary embarrassment.

Well, good.

[Now he feels awkward at that "not quite". Even getting close to anything that isn't "not at all" is uncomfortable.]

Why that descriptor, of all words you could choose?

[He's pretty sure he's nothing close to a puppy. He hasn't really heard too many kind things, especially with an animal or creature theme attached. It feels surreal to try and even navigate this conversation at this point, in the first place.]

Would you mind enlightening me?

That puppy--metaphorically, of course--is about as clueless as we are.

It made sense at the time.

I don't understand, but that's probably the point.

But if I minded, I would have disengaged from this conversation much earlier.

[Looks like he'll have to come up with some obscure metaphors of his own to keep up....]

Well, warn me if my conduct gets any closer to "second-hand embarrassment." Genuinely. I don't like to be an embarrassment, and I don't like to embarrass anyone else.

[He has some pride, damn it.]

[ooc: Overflow added.]

Edited 2025-05-24 07:39 (UTC)

his loss, really
what's friendship without some attempted murder
it's a way of getting to know each other

When you say it, it sounds endearing. When I say it, I have stakes aimed at my chest.

But you're not wrong.

you'd think they'd get more creative than stakes
EVERYONE will die if you shove a giant piece of wood in their chest

clearly you just need to attempt to murder me while they're in the vicinity so they can see how easy it is to laugh off
or something else if you have a better idea

If it's all the same, I'd much rather stay on your nice side, not a mistaken threat. Apparently we deal with that enough as it is.

easy enough, all you have to do is keep being yourself
you got far enough without trying and that was with a dagger against my neck

[if it's too sincere for him, too bad. every now and then the truth will out that he's been a decent friend.]

...dare I ask what I was so pleased about...?

And ruin the moment? I didn't dare ask.

So it wasn't anything you did...?

Foolish of you to think it isn't both.

Be that as it may, it's typically more one than the other.

I suppose the question becomes, did you want to lay with him?

Why? Is this, dare I say it, jealousy?

Well any man should be jealous of one who gets to bed a beauty of like yourself. To see you in such sinful postions.

Well then. I suppose the question has actually become: "does whether I wanted to bed him matter?" and right now?

Not even in the same realm of consideration.

Oh? And what are you considering instead? Hm? Have another bed in mind?

You're going to make me say it when you know damn well what the answer is?

If you want to be taken apart bit by bit with pure pleasure. Then yes.. You're going to have to say the words, my pretty pale one.

You

I

Gods, I

Please

Please what?

[ Gods help him, he can barely articulate words right now. ]

You. In my tent. Now.

[ Then half a minute later: ]

Please.

[ He's far too amused by that desperation in the others' last final "please' text message that he doesn't even bother texting back. It only takes a few minutes to walk across camp, and even then only that long because Halsin had to turn down Karlach's desire to see how far he could throw a fallen log across the forest floor. Soon enough he was lifting the flap to Astarion's tent and stepping inside.

The large elf had already forgone his upper layer, that thick and broad muscled chest all on display as he moved into the tent.]

Well, how could I turn down such a whimpering please?

[ cont. here ♥ ]

1. Dont you look at me in that tone of voice

2. It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.

3. you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..

4. You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.

5. remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted

6. [Text her.]

Baby girl, you're asking for judgement with the new costume. Is there a superhero version of What Not To Wear?

Pants were a mistake. You have the goods for legs, show them off!

But it's so comfortable! 🥺 and Lena did such a good job!

I know what I was wearing was kinda like ice skater fare? So it's a leotard, but it still felt like I was flashing everyone. 🫠

Also, if that was real, Edna Mode would smack me for wearing a cape.

I mean yeah, you were kinda flashing people, but you gotta own that.

Suffer for fashion. I support all women's wrongs but I can't get behind this one.

Edited 2025-05-23 09:49 (UTC)

idk, maybe i could rotate them. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Probably a good thing I never went with the pink suit, huh?

Wait, no, go back. If done right, this could be good.

Very chic, very modern Barbie. You're gonna be the moment.

You're very supportive and I like that! I'm not sure they'll take me seriously in a pink suit. 😅

I mean, even in the old one, it took, what, 2-3 years for people to stop going, "Your cousin would have finished this by now!"🙄

Edited 2025-05-23 13:33 (UTC)

Okay so the next time this happens, you tell them your friend Dylan has a bone to pick about it.

My name isn't exactly intimidating. They won't care a bit, and that makes it better when I make them regret their choices.

I got you, boo ✨

Boo

Booo

So much boo I'm a ghost 👻

For a superhero, you're definitely boring.

Dude, tequila doesn't even get me tipsy.

If you want to get drunk and crazy, hit up White Canary.

Blondes mostly terrify me, I'll opt out of that one.

.............

What hair color do you think I have? 🤨

01. I'm not quite sure what level of reality I'm supposed to be operating on.
02. Can I ctrl+alt+delete today?
03. Stop letting me drink alone on a weeknight. My last Google search was "caterpillar eyebrows"??? I don't know.
04. I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions :)
05. I may or may not be speaking from experience, but don't try to substitute cherry Nyquil for grenadine.
06. [wildcard, text him!]

I don't know what that means, but tell me what happened anyway.

It's a keyboard command to force-quit a program on your computer. It makes it shut down, basically.
Anyway, not important.

Myself and a few other people on the team spent far too long explaining to Hammond that speeding up the hatching process isn't a thing.
Biology doesn't care about deadlines or projected opening dates, there's still an incubation period.
Of course Wu made vague promises to "look into it" to get him to shut up, which is so deeply unhelpful.

[He does always learn something with Casper...]

And then he'll come to me and I'll say the pens aren't ready anyway. And I won't say things just to make him calm down. I rather like riling him up. I'm good at it too.

Do you want a drink?

Oh god, would you? Please do, I need all the back up I can get, with Wu being... himself.

Please, yes.
And tell me how the hatchlings are settling in?

Of course I will. I won't have him speeding things up for the sake of it and making it more dangerous for everyone.

I'll bring the whiskey.

They're... getting there. They're still sorting out their hierarchy amongst themselves. It can get a little vicious sometimes.

I'm not sure you can answer that question normally.

All too true, unfortunately.
As far as I am aware, I am currently physically in the Oldest House.
Though please feel free to correct that assumption if need be.

Yeah, about that. Not really sure? You weren't in your office when I went there. I haven't finished mapping the Oldest House yet, though, so we can't say yes or no with certainty. So: how are you feeling?

I'm in the labs today, so I can at least say I'm not in my office. Which is... something? A datapoint.

I'm... feeling. I'm a little disoriented, still. I'm tracking time meticulously though I realize it's a coping mechanism.
I hate so much that I thought I was only gone for two years, but it was closer to six.
Dr. Pope and I have had some extensive talks. Both emotional and informational. I've promised to stop keeping her in the dark.
It's all progress.

I'm a little afraid to ask but: what actions?

If you want to make that a reality, I'm your gal.

1) Come on, that should be illegal. Why should a rodent get to decide the weather?

2) Uhh - I don't think I'm in the right time period anymore. I took out my cell phone and a midwife called me a witch?

3) I'm scared of cows. There's a darkness in their eyes and it haunts me...

4) I'm not a material girl, that won't buy me off.

5) Text him????

You're a city boy, aren't you? Don't worry, I'm not here to mock you. I prefer the city, personally, I'm just... incredibly stuck in my current job and unfortunately, I can't leave Pinehaven.

[Evelyn has to stay and help Daniel and Finn man the radio station. Keep the Amalgates contained. She doesn't want to think about what would happen if they just... abandoned the blink-and-you-miss-it town tucked away in the Appalachain mountains.

The Narration would like to point out that while the series doesn't actually specify where Pinehaven is, we like to assume North Carolina~]

Look, Dylan 3.0 is learning a lot about himself in the midst of all the bullshit

And something he's learned is he's made for the streets, not the farm.

[ He. He thinks he's saying he prefers the city. He doesn't understand the implications he just gave. ]

You're too brave for me, man.

3.0, huh? Impressive. What are some of the other lessons you've internalized from Dylan 1.0 and 2.0? Interesting choice of words.

[He didn't forget that words mean things, did he?
Maybe he's younger than she thinks??? She's not a good judge of these sorts of things.]

Oh, I promise, bravery has nothing to do with it, buddy. Thanks for that, though. I'll take the compliment anyway.

It's an interesting choice of words to say I like being in a well developed place? Did I fuck something up?

The biggest lesson I've learned is 3.0 doesn't know any better and 4.0 won't either. Damn.

No, that was probably just Mrs. Flaherty. She refuses to use any piece of technology newer than 1937. Says the aliens won't be able to use their mind control technology on her that way.

What the fuck??? I, for one, welcome our new alien overlords.

Can't be worse than the shit humanity's already got going on.

Depends on the alien, for me, really? I mean The Ak-Yaks are pretty okay most of the time?

[Jack, he has NO IDEA what the fuck you're talking about.]

Debatable. Time will tell, I suppose.

I don't know what the hell an Ak-Yak is, but I know you look cute saying it.

[ Dylan, you're texting? It's words only? Are you okay??? ]

...You can't actually see me right now, can you?

[If he could- Jack puts nothing past anyone anymore- he'd see Jack making a slow circle were he stands behind the counter at the gas station with the phone in his hand.]

Have you employed the gnomes to spy for you? You can be honest with me, man.

What the -

Did I just send you into some sort of impaired consciousness because I called you cute?

Is my game that strong??? Huh?????????????????????????

Ryan here I come

...what?

Edited 2025-05-23 16:40 (UTC)

Jerry, is that you? This isn't the time. Quit fuckin' around

If this isn't Jerry, who the hell am I even talking to right now??? And how did you get his phone?

Huh?

Babe are you listening to those podcasts again

I told you they're weird. I fucking told you they'd affect you.

Don't make me call your momma, now

If you could do that, I would probably pay you $100 right now. No, actually, don't. My mom sucked just as much as everyone else in my family. I don't want to talk to her right now. Anyway. No, no podcasts, actually. But I was totally serious when I asked who the hell this is, if this isn't Jerry.

Huh???? I missed a beat????????????????????? How dare you, that woman fed me the best pumpkin pie on Thanksgiving, I'm going to fight you if you cut her off

Anyway I told you I don't like those kind of pet names

It's weird enough I have to worry about sharing you with Kait

No she didn't. I promise you, MY mother did not do that. I think you got the wrong guy, is what I'm saying. Maybe we're number neighbors and your finger slipped??? Idk. My name's Jack. But I don't know who Kait is. And if this is like- your girlfriend, boyfriend, amorphous dark god- we don't judge at The Gas Station, honestly- that you're talking to, or you know, that you're TRYING to talk to... I'm just saying, I don't know your situation, but... Maybe don't- Don't settle for being someone's unicorn third in their relationship, you know?

[Too much? Probably. Especially for strangers. But Jack lost any little bit of filter he had a long time ago. He blames Jerry, mostly. And maybe Benjamin a little bit.]

Oh

Wow

I fucked up

Name's Dylan. And 'guy with no sense ' apparently, as you feel the need to tell a stranger they're not respecting themselves enough.

That's bad, man. Rotten. The terrible vibes are vicious.

Come on like that is even the third most ridiculous tradition Americans have.

Josh, my friend
You of all people should understand just because something is done a lot doesn't mean it should happen

I mean, you're not wrong, but this tradition doesn't involve guns or systemic racism so.... How bad can it be?

Ugh, I don't know anything about any of that, anyway

I'm trying to learn about racism and how to recognize it, I've got to if Ryan's keeping me around, but I'm a simple guy who doesn't think about shit like that

He doesn't decide the weather, he just informs people if winter is going to last longer or not.
Also, it's not always a rodent. One of the Canadian provinces has Lucy the Lobster.

I would call you out for taking my bullshit seriously but I'm a little more concerned with that last bit

I'm sorry?????? I'm just a little guy from upstate New York, what is this nonsense?

Canada. Nice. 🍁

Edited 2025-05-23 16:41 (UTC)

Why concerned? You afraid of lobsters or something?

And I'm just a guy from Jersey, doesn't mean you can't know things outside your country.
;)

I like math. I like building things. I don't like a lobster or whatever striding up to me and going did you know you need to wear a coat???

I know. I can step outside. Leave me alone, these things aren't for you.

[ Dylan, what are you talking about - ]

Edited 2025-05-23 17:08 (UTC)

Lobsters don't stride, they scuttle.

And it sounds like you're prejudiced against crustaceans.

I'm prejudiced against animals acting like people. You don't see me acting like an ani -

You know what, never mind.

Like a what?
An animal?

You got a secret sexy beast inside you?

Fuck, trust me, I wish it were sexy. Whoever's buying porn of this, I don't wanna meet.

Full kinkshame vibes, man.

Wait, hold up.
Are you being serious right now?

Uh-huh.

I know in all the tv shows, people hide this crap, but I don't see a point. It's just a part of me, because the guy I trusted completely to do what needed to be done couldn't pull the fucking trigger.

So to speak.

Shit.
Okay so...uh. Are we talking actual lycanthropy???

Mmhmm. But the transformation effect is more like all your skin exploding off at once. Then it just kind of grows back?

And you can't submerge in water. That's been fun. I'm not exactly the Wicked Witch but I would definitely melt.

Holy shit.
I mean...holy shit. That sounds....so gross and so painful.

Do you mean at any time? Or only when you're in werewolf form?

Any fucking time.

I've had to find other ways to clean up.

So you can never have a bath? What about showers?
Oh wait, what about silver?? Does that fuck you up as well?

Yeah, silver. No showers, man, none of it.

Can't even drink a drop. I assume I'm not dead because of werewolf bullshit.

It's not even if I can test it, I'm aquaphobic to an extreme if I try. It's impossible.

Hydrophobic? I don't know. It reminds me of what I've heard of rabies, but it's my life.

Edited 2025-05-23 22:50 (UTC)

Well you have to be able to ingest a certain percentage of water, otherwise you'd die in like three days.

The fact that water has such an impact is kind of interesting though, there's got to be a reason behind it. Either chemically or I guess magically??

I know that. You think I don't know that? I was gunning to work for NASA. I can't do that if I can't even swallow some fucking water. It's like I'm a pussy

I would study it, but it's me, so

It doesn't make you a pussy, it just means you have more complications than most.
I get that.

What if you had someone help you study it?

... Huh.

I guess? It would definitely help.

If it makes you feel better I have to meditate twice a day and avoid large crowds and getting too drunk otherwise I could go insane.

Maybe someone with access to medical equipment?

I don't get 'I suffer too don't you feel better '. Like thanks for trying but no bro, I don't want you suffering either, that's terrible as hell.

No way, I don't want to become a government experiment!

Yeah it sucks but it's what I was born with so....

That's not what I meant. I meant me, my help. I work at the hospital.

Wait so why?? How were you born?

Oh! That's different. Yeah, I could do that.

Thanks, man.

I was born a mutant.

You're welcome.

Huh

What's involved in that? Other than people hating you for the makeup of your blood.

Yeah. A telepath specifically.
Which means if I don't do certain things my powers can go out of control and I'll go insane or hurt people.

I can't identify at all, I swear.

What things? You don't have to answer, but you probably know that.

I know I don't have to but you were 100% honest with me so fair is fair, right?
And I listed some of the things already, meditating twice a day, staying away from really large groups of people, not drinking too much. Uh, I also have to keep my temper in check.

Dude. It is a -Kangol's-. I would rape and pillage for this Kangol's.
Slim Shady wears Kangol's.

Look, I definitely make different choices, as shown by the fact I have no clue what that even means???

What does that *mean*, Jacob?? I get the sentiment (ew) but what are you even on about?

It's gotta be clothing, right? I can read context clues like a big boy.

It *means* Dylan that your like, universal rating, has just gone down.
I don't even want to offer this hat to you anymore.

Huh???

There was a hat on the table and you're just going to play keep away with it?

I'm telling. Uh. Someone.

Okay YOU said you couldn't be bought.

Jakey boy.

It's not buying someone, a gift between friends. Pals. Buddies.

You want the Kangol's.

For what it's worth, you'd look totally jaunty in it.

Can I pull off jaunty now?

Kinda feels like that needs me to be completely intact.

Edited 2025-05-24 02:33 (UTC)

So a ticket to some movie with shirtless dudes an't doing nothing for me? Darn.

... Now that's something else entirely

Go on...

Dude, really? A little softcore gay porn is all it takes?

Look, I'm a simple man.

And I'm not convincing Ryan to give it up anytime soon.

Duuuuude. You must be suffering blue balls. Which, that's rough, buddy. You got it going onnnnn. Just shake that ass for him. He'll be melts. Truly messed up. But all right- I'll give ya few tickets to cover my shift.

Don't you think I tried that kinda thing?! He's not budging.

So yeah, fine, fair trade for the tickets.

So late night nudes for you? Brah. Cool. Totally, let me know if I can do anything else yah?

You think I even get that? Honestly, it's like he's never been with a dude

- might be true, I guess.

I mean, what would you do? I'm not going to ask you to take care of the problem. ☠️

Ha. You are really in blue ball hell bud. That's tragic. What problem is that? I have some premo fucking dick pics, I'll have you know. You'd be like, totally captivated getting one of those. Some A++ grade wank bank material there. I could also try and talk to Ryan. I guess. If you wanted.

I'm not taking your dick pics! That's pretty much cheating and then he really wouldn't do anything!

And after that offer, I'm kinda scared of what you would say to *him*

Lame. They're like, awesome. Honestly? I'd just tell him to chill out and relax and go with the flow with those horny feelings he properly has.

You sure you're not a little gay?

If you ask me, the sitch is he regrets not picking Kait.

I'm a "no labels" guy. People are hot. End of story. ...You think?

All Opportunity Jakeyboy. Sounds about right.

Yeah, pretty damn sure.

Damn right babeeeeees. I should get that on a business card. Why is that? Exactly?

Don't you dare, I've got my birthday present locked in now.

Because I see the way he looks at her when he thinks neither of us can see.

Doesn't look at me like that.

(1) I only nicked off an /ear/. The way he was screaming, one would have thought I sliced off his prick.

(2) Come claim me, before I burn this miserable place to the ground.

(3) The bard's started singing again. We need to leave. Quickly.

(4) text him! ♥

I can't leave you anywhere, can I?

Do you ever keep your arms uncrossed and your scowl light? If you weren't prone to intimidating everyone else, I could actually bring you with me on my diplomatic calls.

'Prone to intimidating', you say.

Fine. Next time I'll make certain to wear a low-cut tunic and distract everyone with my collarbones, the way you do.

[ ... ]

No. I don't like that either.

[ wait. ]

It's my collarbones that distract you?

[ if not murder or collarbones, thEN WHAT!

that said: ] When I'm trying to be polite, yes.

[ trust Iorveth to come up with extreme options for everything... ]

And here I thought we were past niceties.

What's so miserable about where I left you anyway? I thought a nice group of hotheaded knights would be the perfect group for you to befriend.

[ :) ]

( overflowwww! )

Some people just don't understand the blessings they're given in life.

And many don't stop to think of how many they'd keep if they managed to keep their mouths shut.

My goals are usually the other way around. It's amazing how little people value their body parts when compared to their secrets.

( overflow, if you'd like! ♥ )

1. Whatever you heard or saw about me on TV. It's worse. Way worse.

2. There a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'? Asking for a friend.

3. Hungover as shit and the first thing the woman at Starbucks asks me is if my hair's natural. Couldn't even wait until after I had a sip.

4. Don't ask why all the light poles are bent. Somethings are better left unanswered.

5. Made a car pileup outside the bar. Literally.

6. It's not cheating. It's using the gifts I was born with.

Preaching to the choir.

Guess we're at least ensuring we keep up with our reputations.

Plus they deserved what happened.

And what makes you think I'd be an authority on the subject?

Wild guess about you being something of an expert.

I wrong?

👀

I can confidently say it isn't my fault this time.

You so sure?

Yes, because I believe we're beyond entrapment and you wouldn't have texted me otherwise.

Unless you're the one that annoyed me enough to 'accidentally' bend them

Or something else.

I don't recall doing or saying anything particularly annoying. Could you elaborate?

How often are you aware of when you piss someone off?

Be that as it may

[Wait.]

Don't answer that. I thought we had a pleasant enough dinner.

1. You kept asking me to get you things from the highest shelves.
2. Time is up. Text me now or I'm coming to look for you.
3. I think I have your keys. And your coat.
4. Why do I feel like I got hit by a truck?
5. Text him! Misfires and assumed CR welcome.

I’m 5’2 you can hardly hold it against me!

No, but I can hold it over you.

I thought you were going to start asking me to replace bulbs or clean the tops of your cupboards at the rate you were going.

That was a low blow!

Oh, no I already got Martin over to help me change the lights when I discovered I couldn’t get to them on the kitchen stool while wearing my biggest platform boots. Stupid high ceilings.

Isn't that more your area?

You've got your tall friends on rotation?

Well I can’t exactly reach for a high one, can I?

I do try to do everything myself but sometimes you have to realise while your fingers are barely grazing the bulb despite being on a stool in Demonias that you might need a 6’5 person to do it for you. I bought him wine as a thanks.

True.

So there's finally someone else as tall as me and they're dipping into my source of wine. I'm not sure how to feel about this.

I even got the good stuff instead of Tesco box wine
Martin is a big pushover, I probably would have just needed to flash the puppy eyes but I decided to reward him for his assistance
I really don’t understand how anyone gets that tall

You spoil him.

Genetics.

Does this mean I can call you to reach into the back of my bottom cupboards then? I never knew this was an option before.

It’s a little bit deserved
He brings me cups of tea and has an uncanny knack of knowing when I need one without asking

Only if you let me take everything out and see if I fit in them.

My mistake. He spoils you. Never let that man leave.

If you clean the inside afterwards, then yes.

You might be on to something there
He’s the same with everyone but it’s nice

How manky do the insides of your cupboards get??

[Continued here]

[No response. It has been roughly an hour since Johnny went to deliver his monthly tribute to the Black Note. The building is eerily silent.]

[Skorm. He hates that this has to happen while he's working. But then, bailing out your boss has got to be somewhere in the job remit, right?

It isn't difficult to find a knife, something neither too big or too small, and tuck it out of sight. He mentions in passing that he's stepping out, but doesn't stop to answer follow up questions. At least he knows which floor to head to. He wishes Johnny would have just waited, or sent him instead...]

[He knows which floor to head to--the question is this: elevator or stairs? Which route does he take to try to do his rescue?

(Has he continued to avoid the elevators since getting stuck?)]

[There is no way Logan is taking the elevator. Even if he wasn't worried about it shutting down, he's not going to stay put in one place while it slowly makes its way to Johnny. No. He'd much rather move.

In fact, Logan all but bounds the steps, skipping them at dangerously high speeds and using the railing to turn the corners far too fast. Besides, this way when he gets to the right floor he can open the door carefully, and see if there's anything to be careful of without loudly announcing his arrival.]

[There's a voice that's muffled and metallic speaking somewhere down a hallway to the left. Like there's something affecting the sound quality of their voice, disguising its actual sound. Otherwise, the floor seems quiet, for the most part.]

[That's not a sound he recognises. It's not a voice he recognises.

Logan cracks the door, slowly opening it as little as possible to peer down the hall. If he can just see who it is, if he can see if Johnny's there, he can figure out what to do next.]

[Johnny is penned into a corner by a tall figure in a black cloak and a heavy domelike helmet mask. He looks scared, listening to this villainous figure monologue.]

[Continued here]

1. Just got hit on by a middle-aged Puerto Rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.

2. I enjoy the company of your penis.

3. I might have been the first person in 1960 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.

4. Sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful.

5. Text her!

ah yes

just another day in New York

You can’t tell me this isn’t the best place in the world.

always got a little bit of everything
yeah I've always felt the same

some things don't change, at least

Very true.

Do you still live in Brooklyn?

for better or worse

rent isn't great but I guess it still wouldn't compare to Manhattan

You aren’t kidding.

One of my favorite delis is actually in Brooklyn.

you don't say? so's mine

( ...cause he lives here. that's a joke. )

I’m SAYING that I get out that way sometimes and you should meet me for a Reuben one day.

oh

( he had a brain somewhere, okay. there's evidence of this! he does brain things regularly! )

well I'd love for that, if you've got the time

( she just offered, barnes. jesus. use the brain!! )

Edited 2025-05-23 19:14 (UTC)

[ bless his heart. ]

I have a lot of time, since most of my gigs are at night.

right

( he knew that, too. so stupid, barnes... )

how about lunch tomorrow, then?
which deli by the way?

Sounds great.

It’s Lindemann’s on Fulton Street.

[ He’s not stupid. He just doesn’t think he deserves to go out with Midge for some reason. ]

( a lot of baggage and even more self loathing, that's how. but he does try to tone it down around midge. she makes him want to be different. )

oh I don't actually think I've been there before?
you'll have to tell me what you recommend 🙂

[ She won’t discount his trauma, but she doesn’t think he’s the monster that he thinks he is. He’s never been anything but kind to her. ]

I’m partial to a reuben sandwich, but they have a lot of good things on their menu.

( he's still waiting for the other foot to drop, for better or worse. )

well I tend to have quite an appetite anyway, I might just have to sample a few extra plates while I'm at it

[ Midge really hopes that it won’t. ]

Is that because of the super soldier serum?

yeah gotta consume maybe five to six times more than the average for a grown man to keep it going

if I don't it starts eating away at me physically, which isn't super fun

It doesn’t sound fun.

I guess you have a lot of stamina though don’t you?

sometimes it can be a chore, but I like cooking so I try to turn it into something that's more enjoyable

yeah
a lot of stamina

and yes before you ask this also means what you think it does

( people always ask about the stamina in bed. it's not that amusing anymore. )

I run hot cause of the serum though
since it elevates my heartrate

( he isn't sure if she's noticed. )

How could you possibly think that I was thinking about you in an impure way?

[ and because Bucky is Bucky and sarcasm doesn’t always translate over text: ]

Because I was.

[ hopefully it’s not as irritating when she’s the one thinking about his stamina in bed. ]

I run hot too, obviously not for the same reason. Summers are unbearable sometimes.

( see? he knows his audience. but he did sort of expect the sarcasm. it's not as irritating because he does like her. a lot. and unlike with the others who usually ask, he does hope to spend time with her in bed, some time in the near future. if he can get over himself, anyway. )

lucky guess 🙂

honestly? yes
I can't complain about this with most people cause they don't get it but it can be so awful in the summer

I still try to mask my arm when I'm out in public so people don't feel blindsided about it too so that's a lot of long sleeved clothing and occasionally gloves
in the summer

[ she would very much like like to spend some time with him in bed as well, once he feels confident enough that she’s just as interested in him as he is in her. ]

Does the arm get hot too? That’s like having a heat magnet attached to your body.

thankfully not
it's fairly inert so doesn't react much to most things

it'll warm up but it'll never really be that hot unless I'm under the sun for a long time
for that matter, it's not really cold either. just slightly cooler than the moderate temperature.

It’s really incredible. It moves just like a real arm. I’ve never seen anything like it.

made by one of my close friends who happens to be a genius inventor
I'm lucky I have it, really

You’re lucky to get a second chance at life too. You shouldn’t waste any opportunity to be happy.

what if I'm not really capable of it, though? what if I try to get there and I just don't know how to be happy?

I think you have to allow yourself to try before you can worry about not being capable of happiness.

fair point

I'm just used to planning for contingencies, I guess
and if there isn't one, and I can't, then I'm dragging you down with me and wasting your time

you deserve someone who isn't half-baked

[ moved here ]

ON it? Like on the hood?

…Yeah.

I shouldn’t drink tequila.

Apparently not.

I'm surprised he let you get IN the cab after that.

Me too, but that’s where being cute, even while drunk, works to my advantage.

Why were you so drunk? Just didn't realize how much you had or....?

I decided to try something different for New Year’s and it didn’t work out. Too many margaritas.

Ah I see.
Are you a fan of those big New Year's parties?

Joel and I used to go to them but it’s not the same when you go by yourself. You get hit on all night.

i] I cannot promise I did not turn him into a toad. Because I'm honest with you.

ii] All he told me was "my nose is broken but I'm hnefatafl champion so it evens out really."

iii] If you start calling your dick “Gungnir,” we’re not friends anymore.

iv] I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you genuinely fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire xxx

v] [text him etc etc]

what kind of toad?

[what better answer than just texting her a picture of a little green guy, clearly settled onto loki's shoulder and also clearly v. v. grumpy at the circumstances]

aw, he’s rather cute. Just make sure he doesn’t get eaten or you’ll have to move to Olympus with me

Who would bother to eat him?

a bird of prey?

[anticaptcha if you want it!]

Did he deserve it?

The gods decreed it so.

[...well.]

At least one god decreed it so.

Fair is fair, then.

You should change him back, eventually.

No rush depending on what he did.

Do you think so? Won't it just necessitate punishing him again eventually?

Hmm...

I think the first offense calls for a warning. Tell him I'm the reason for it, and I'll use the leverage.

For something in particular? Or just to have, for now?

To remind him that he owes us a favor and not to repeat what he did to upset you.

...what did he do, anyway?

Fair enough x

Forgot the line between teasing and cruelty.

Ah. That...I'm sorry to hear that. People can be cruel.

Tell him that he owes his change back to me, and that I may change my mind if he forgets that line too much in future.

[still weird, having a friend taking his side. still nice, too.]

Thank you, Paul.

I'm getting the feeling that they're not actually playing tafl correctly...

Not much punching in the Midgardian version?

not really haha

The non-concussed strategy must be a pleasure to watch.

Do you actually play?

might actually be more boring, from the sound of it

yeah though not very well
still learning the strategy

did you want to play?

A matter of taste, I suppose x

Depends. Are we playing with weapons or just the board?

and what's to your taste, darling?
would you prefer the game for the strategy or for the violence? x

I can't say that I know how to play with actual weapons
though I don't have a board either so we'd have to borrow one probably

The lack of an underlying threat of violence does have a certain novel appeal.

Easily managed, if you're free.

I suppose as an Asgardian you would normally be surrounded by violence
so that makes sense

I'll be be all yours in maybe 10 minutes

At least there's Midgard.

[well, certain portions of the realm. certain apartments, mostly, where it really did feel like a person could uncoil.]

Up to something fun?

and at least there's you

( the one asgardian willing to suffer midgard for certain apartments. )

not particularly
just work stuff

[anticaptcha if you like!]

He was a bully anyway.

And this will give him some time to contemplate that, surely.

Why do you let them talk to you like that?

[anticaptcha if you like!]

I am not my father.

Does this make you harder to set to the flame?

Yes, actually.

[anticaptcha if you like!]

1. have you considered murder?
2. there's a baby in my apartment. what the fuck happened last night.
3. i want to get drunk and watch someone else's tragedy.
4. but you're still having sex with him. and a hobo convinced you to.
5. i've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
6. [ text him! cross-canon/misfires welcome ]

first of all, hasegawa is not a hobo, i think technically you have to have a job to be a hobo. he's just a bum

second of all. yeah i guess

why do i feel like you're judging me right now

i stand corrected. i suppose that makes you the hobo between the two of you then.

why, were you looking for my approval?

if anything, i'm more offended by your partner's deplorable taste in men.

Edited 2025-05-23 19:18 (UTC)

hey, i have a job, i have a place to live, i pay my taxes and sometimes even my rent. i'm a productive member of society, so piss off

hell, maybe you need to get laid yourself so you stop being such a fucking hater

impressive. so you’re a functioning adult. when’s the last time you paid any of your kids?

was that a suggestion or an offer? because i'm not interested. some of us have standards.

they're not MY kids, and also none of your business

suggestion. i'm not above a pity fuck, but i doubt you'd take me up on it. tell you what, though, i know a dude who apparently has deplorable taste in men, he might be down for it. don't even need to introduce you guys, assuming you didn't cut ties with him as well

foisting me off to someone else? well go on. i'll need a bit more than deplorable taste to go off of.

[ a beat, then a second text ]

work on your approach. maybe don't start with pity fuck, and i'll think about it.

shit taste in dudes. dark-haired, principled, but obviously not you. i'm sure you've seen him on a wanted poster before. did it click yet or do you need more hints

[ There's a long pause, like he's thinking hard. ]

yeah, pity fuck is not quite it. sympathy fuck, maybe, or nostalgia fuck. take your pick

for everyone I know

you know how to use a sword as well as i do. what's stopping you?

I don't consider, I execute.

a man of action i see. care to share how?

Oh, don't misunderstand, I don't get my own hands dirty. Never do yourself what you could pay someone else for. But put enough bait on the line and fish will be jostling to hook themselves for you, do you catch my meaning?

tfln

J’onn J’onzz 👽 DC - OTA

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laurent of vere ( captive prince. )

d.

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Izuku 'Deku' Midoriya l My Hero Academia

4a (Y U NO LINK!!!!

I forgot to link lol. Got this up before crashing last night.

LMAO !!dfgfg hope u had a good rest tho

esther moreau / original / ota

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7. because i have no chill