A sledgehammer in the computer

[a_pirate_meant_to_be]

THE HELP DESK MEME


Have you tried shoving it up your arse?

No man is an island. Sometimes, you really, really need help on something that none of your friends can help with. In times like this, it's time to turn to a help line! Sadly, just because you call a HELP line doesn't necessarily mean you're going to get a helpful PERSON. Likewise, whether you realize it or not, you may be subjecting the person on the other end of the line to some amazingly stupid lines of inquiry.

Of course, it could all just go normally. But when has THAT ever made for interesting RP?

Standard meme rules here:

1. Post your upper level. Note what type of help line it is in your title, NOT your canon/character name.
2. People who tag in are calling into your help line.
3. Hilarity. Maybe.

Comments

Proper Disposal of Porcelain and/or Forbidden Voodoo Objects

[a_pirate_meant_to_be]

Re: Proper Disposal of Porcelain and/or Forbidden Voodoo Objects

[eldritchwheelies]

Yeah hi I think I got a hella cursed wooden idol off a bokor and my local houngan is stumped? Got it buried in a jar of salt right now but it won't hold forever.

Emergency Escape Room Puzzle Assistance

[all_onis_are_true]

[If this is not an emergency, please hang up and dial the regular Escape Room Assistance Line. Otherwise, please stay on the line and an assistant will be with you shortly.]

Surviving Someone Trying to Assassinate You

[silentsummoning]

[departed_child_of_gods]

Soooooo say theoretically you DIDN'T survive the assassination attempt. What's the proper number of decades in which a ghost is allowed to hold a grudge?

Occultechnology / Eldritch Horror Helpline

[eldritchwheelies]

[If you need assistance preventing an Ancient One's summoning, press one. If you need assistance with malfunctioning occultech, press two. If you are a cultist, please stay on the line, and a Foundation operative will be there to 'assist' you shortly.]

Re: Occultechnology / Eldritch Horror Helpline

[heather_cheryl_alessa]

[Heather siiiiiiiiiiighs and presses one.]

Proper Customer Service

[part_time_overlord]

[phobophage]

The Queen of Dreams forced me into taking this customer service job. Which I'll find out a way to escape, but for the time being, I could use tips for ways of dealing with the really obnoxious ones other than giving them horrific nightmares. Even if their screams're satisfying.

Reforming Villain Hotline

[phobophage]

Spoilers

[awitchdidit]

Pardon me while I double post so I don't fill the front page of the meme with things that happen like 40 hours into a 60 hour Visual Novel.

Cooking/Sex Hotline

[mutation_is_great]

Illegal Painkillers and How to Use and Abuse Them Safely

[quick_clean_pure]

[kissmyfist]

There's a hotline for this? Nice! If I, say, wanted to get high as a bloatbird and didn't have human limits to worry about, what should I go for?

That's not so hypothetical by the way. I've eaten things that would literally make a human explode into a bloody mess.

Hitting crazies and/or bears (not mutually exclusive)

[get_on_with_it]

Forgive me for this.

[shslliar]

Hello! Your hotline has been officially certified as this year's Most Useless Hotline Ever!

That's right, our exclusive panel of judges has deemed the information you are offering to have no practical use whatsoever. Please stay on the line so that we may send you your prize!

[Oma hangs up the phone and starts giggling to himself. Prank calling people is fun.]

Interesting Murders Only Please (don't be boring)

[desecrated]

[fashionable_yapping]

Is this for solving murders or planning them? Super important question.

Plague Doctor Helpline

[plagueofdeception]

[For bubonic plague, press one. For septicemic plague, press two. For any other plague, including weird ones that turn people into monsters, press three.]

((Feel free to check out the opt out post if you need it.))

Robot I.T.

[literalidiotball]

[Unfortunately, the robot is moron.]

Defeating people and monsters faster, stronger, and tougher than you

[slewmyfear]

[beastenderblood]

I wanna stab a giant, flying monster. A lot. What's my best go-to here?

Fashion and beauty advice

[bewhoyouwannabe]

Writer's Block Helpline

[starryeyedpoet]

[sunnymerc]

Hey, what is a more romantic, artistic way to say 'butt'? I need to know for...reasons.

Fortune-telling services (I don't do weddings, just funerals)

[foureyesnosoul]

[Your fortune is 100% guaranteed to be self-serving. Especially if you're part of a rival assassin group.]

Pest Removal, specializing in Abominations, Blood Mages, Undead, Dragons, and Generally Weird Shit

[questionablewit]

 

[finalizes]

Hello

...We have this infestation of the whole planet that's been around for a while, and we'd like to get rid of it completely. We've tried what we could, but it's just getting worse.

God of Mischief, Aesir (prayer helpline pls hold)

[ikols]

nationwide conflict deescalation!

[jellin]

[ the entire original workforce of this call center is in NO WAY dead and this is DEFINITELY not a backdoor to tips on genocide what are you even TALKING about ]

Have an OC because Sins should totally meet across universes

[convivialconman]

[ Ring ring, it's fuckin' Mammon! ]

So, when you say "nationwide conflict deescalation," do you mean preventing conflicts or ensuring that all sides have enough arms and resources to make it sufficiently bloody and entertaining? ...It's quite an important distinction, after all.

maximizing the efficiency of your mass murder and unethical experimentation

[fingerbang]

[ HAVE YOU TRIED TURNING THE NATION'S ALCHEMY OFF AND ON AGAIN

also this is not a phone sex hotline, she just sounds like that, please stop calling unless at least a hundred humans lives are at risk of not being taken ]

Tricking Your Mark into a Soul-Binding Contract or Collecting on Outstanding Debts

[convivialconman]

[ Time is money and they are making a buck off of every minute. ]

[awitchdidit]

Do we honestly need to be anything other than attractive women to get men to do either of these? It's kind of pathetic, actually.

Glad to help anyway she can!

[whitescalesbigmouth]

[No really...that's how you get people to trust dragons right?]

Metafiction Hotline

[pleaseremainmotionless]

[Need help figuring out what your role is in the story? Meditating on the nature of choice and free will? Caught in a feedback loop of roleplaying about roleplaying? The Narrator is here to help!]

[awitchdidit]

Am I a butterfly dreaming I'm a woman, or a woman dreaming I'm a butterfly?

Parenting and killing giant kidney stones and other monsters advice

[greenmamabear]

[How to be a good mom and also stab a sentient computer a lot]

[eldritchwheelies]

I am pretty sure we're going to have to go into a grody elder god's intestinal tract. Any advice on avoiding antibody patrols?

Morality 101

[whistlenotchirp]

[With only 90% percent smugness!]

[shslliar]

Hey, I heard that innocent boys shouldn't be involved with pool. Does this mean swimming is a sin?

[Someone is not taking this call center seriously.]