A sledgehammer in the computer

[a_pirate_meant_to_be]

THE HELP DESK MEME


Have you tried shoving it up your arse?

No man is an island. Sometimes, you really, really need help on something that none of your friends can help with. In times like this, it's time to turn to a help line! Sadly, just because you call a HELP line doesn't necessarily mean you're going to get a helpful PERSON. Likewise, whether you realize it or not, you may be subjecting the person on the other end of the line to some amazingly stupid lines of inquiry.

Of course, it could all just go normally. But when has THAT ever made for interesting RP?

Standard meme rules here:

1. Post your upper level. Note what type of help line it is in your title, NOT your canon/character name.
2. People who tag in are calling into your help line.
3. Hilarity. Maybe.

Comments

[fashionable_yapping]

Is this for solving murders or planning them? Super important question.

[desecrated]

Solving. Obviously.

Sorry she's an absolute creep

[fashionable_yapping]

Okay, how about you solve this one? The victim's body parts are separated out and cataloged in glass boxes in separate locked and windowless rooms. There's only one single key that unlocks all the rooms, and it's locked in with the box with the head. Which by the way has an expression that makes it absolutely obvious the victim died in excruciating pain.

Now, how did I do it? How did I lock up the victim like that?

[desecrated]

That's boring. You're in the same room the head is because you enjoy looking at it. You're looking at it right now, and you dismembered them while they were alive. You're trying to be Jack the Ripper's successor but you're really doing a poor job of it and ... you should probably just carry the head into Scotland Yard and ask them the same thing and watch them not find the key because I think you'll be more entertained by that.

Next!

[fashionable_yapping]

What do you think I'm stupid? Though obviously I'm better at making people suffer than at creating interesting mysteries. Hey, this is harder than it looks! Usually I just invade a town and pillage everything and put people on spikes and torture them and so on. I don't know who this Jack is, but I just looked him up and he's this putz who preyed on the weak. How dare you say I'm inferior to a weakling like that who hid from the police? I'll find out where you live and it'll be full of screaming people being torn apart from arm to leg by my army! And you'll be one of those screaming people, too!

[She isn't very good at creative intimidation either. But it's very obvious she's completely serious. Good thing she has no way to actually find him.]

[desecrated]

Arm from leg? You do know that isn't how anatomy works, correct? Besides, I'd like to see you try, because others have attempted such things and have failed. Besides, aren't you the coward for pillaging a town without any warning?

Besides, putting parts in locked boxes is just a way for you to feel like you're clever when you aren't.

[fashionable_yapping]

I know my anatomy perfectly well, I was just being figurative you overly literal moron! Also, they knew I was coming plenty of times, had time to prepare, and still died screaming in agony! Just like you'll! I've used ruses, diversions, feints, fake feints, burrows, and more! I know how to keep someone alive for an indefinite length in constant agony! I'm plenty smart! You moron I'LL KILL YOU KILL KILL KILL YOU KILL YOU YOU KILL KILL...

[There's the sound of the phone crashing against the ground and bouncing. Then she picks it up a short while later. She sounds calmer, even pleased.]

I just thought of a new twist to the murder.