A sledgehammer in the computer

[a_pirate_meant_to_be]

THE HELP DESK MEME


Have you tried shoving it up your arse?

No man is an island. Sometimes, you really, really need help on something that none of your friends can help with. In times like this, it's time to turn to a help line! Sadly, just because you call a HELP line doesn't necessarily mean you're going to get a helpful PERSON. Likewise, whether you realize it or not, you may be subjecting the person on the other end of the line to some amazingly stupid lines of inquiry.

Of course, it could all just go normally. But when has THAT ever made for interesting RP?

Standard meme rules here:

1. Post your upper level. Note what type of help line it is in your title, NOT your canon/character name.
2. People who tag in are calling into your help line.
3. Hilarity. Maybe.

Comments

Hitting crazies and/or bears (not mutually exclusive)

[get_on_with_it]

Forgive me for this.

[shslliar]

Hello! Your hotline has been officially certified as this year's Most Useless Hotline Ever!

That's right, our exclusive panel of judges has deemed the information you are offering to have no practical use whatsoever. Please stay on the line so that we may send you your prize!

[Oma hangs up the phone and starts giggling to himself. Prank calling people is fun.]

Haha, no worries

[get_on_with_it]

What? I'll have you know, whoever you are, that my skills are highly sought after and -

[Cassandra stares at the silent phone, a scowl on her face. Here she is, offering a legitimate service and apparently nobody appreciates her efforts. Grumble!!]

those frikking bears!!!

[questionablewit]

Hey, is this the hitting crazies and bears hotline? Because I have this really crazy bear here and no matter how many times I stab him he's just. Not. Dying!!

[You can hear roars in the background, and the caller is breathing hard and clearly moving around a lot.]

[get_on_with_it]

Have you checked to ensure it's a bear and not, say, a particularly ugly nug?

[the Seeker almost sounds bored. Clearly she has had a few hysterical calls before.]

[questionablewit]

Are there nugs that are [sound of grunting here] seven feet tall [swooshing, ducking noise] with fangs and giant claws?

[This caller doesn't sound hysterical. She does sound pissed off. Come on, hotline, help her out here! She's trying to get the Grizzly End Trophy!]

[get_on_with_it]

[harumph. But that at least sounds like it could be a bear. At the very least, it doesn't sound like a nug or a nuggalope, considering the lack of creeped out exclamations over their weird hands (what were you thinking, Inquisitor?)]

Are you armed? [looks like she's giving you the benefit of the doubt - about the creature, at least.

Sorry, Hawke. In this job, you can't ever underestimate anybody.]

[questionablewit]

No, I'm trying to stab him with a toothpick and a spoon.

[At least she didn't go for the "Yes, I have two of them" smartass response.]

[get_on_with_it]

[chances are, she wouldn't have gotten the pun anyway...]

Maker's breath. [you can almost hear her pinching the bridge of her nose]

Perhaps if you played dead, he might leave you alone.

[did we mention this is also the "Super Serious No Jokes Allowed" hotline?]

[questionablewit]

Or he might bite off my head.

[Given the roaring in the background, the latter does seem the more likely option. Serah Bear does not like his present company, clearly.]

Is that the only advice you have? Make sure it's not a nug, then play dead?

[get_on_with_it]

Ugh. [she's rolling her eyes so hard. A toothpick and spoon, really?? Maybe if she's lucky, you were being sarcastic.

But okay, that roaring is definitely pretty angry, so time to get on with it.]

Very well. Focus on one of the back legs. If you have a blade of any sort, hamstring it. If not, kick the same joint until it gives.

[questionablewit]

I tried that, but he's not cooperating! Do bears have chainmail under their fur and no one ever bothered to tell me?

[And then there's a howl of pain. It was...probably the bear?]