bakerstreet

1. I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
2. We found her. She's howling on the sink in the bathroom.
3. Where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
4. No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
5. The fact that I fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night.
6. text her

uhhh probably working, why?

i'm in need of some dire help.
and don't you worry your little head off.
the chances of you dying might not be very high at all.

[ This isn't very reassuring at all, Ivy... ]

MIGHT she says
are you alright???

captchaaaaa

1. apparently you told the mayor you wanted to be a trophy wife
2. sorry for kicking you last night but you dont mess with a girs margarita bucket
3. please dont ironically join a cult
4. i miss dr phil when will he come back
5. had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move. again
6. [ text her; utd on all things mcu. love me some castmates. good w/ assumed CR, cross-canon/medium! tag for thunderbolts* spoilers. ]

No I told him that I wanted /his/ trophy wife, it got lost in translation.

did she bewitch you body and soul or something

No, I just want an art deal to go through for me.

[ no captcha here ]

I don't know. He left us in a cold, dark world when we needed him most

cant you just hit him up and ask him
since you were captain america

[ for two seconds. but, still. ]

And say what?

"I know I was Captain American for 2 seconds but can you please start your show again for me and my friend?"

[ omg. ]

so you do consider me a friend
?

[ continued here ]

What did Walker say this time?

[This is a regularly scheduled text they have on a semi-regular basis at this point. Walker likes to shove his entire foot in his mouth with her sometimes, and Bob is always available for Bestie Vent Sessions.]

[ it's always something with those two and somehow bob is always at the scene of the crime... sorry bestie ]

i am pretty sure he ate my leftover shawarma
i can smell it on his lying breath
but noooooo he is so sure he ate avas

As if eating your leftovers isn't enough of a crime, he's gonna lie about it, too?? Lame. Are we just venting, or do you plan on taking revenge, here?

[ captcha free zone ]

Could be a lot of fun causing chaos.

im listening

We can mess with Walker's things.

i was literally just going for the queso. chip in hand.

well

ok but consider this
it looked like you were going to dip the chip in my margarita bucket bob

ok, well, that would've been rude. and gross kinda. that's true.

i would have let you if that was your intention and if you had asked
but in the moment i will be honest and say i forgot the queso was next to my bucket

did he go somewhere?

away from tv networks it seems
i hope he is somewhere nice
mr jerry springer too

you think they're just
together on some tropical island somewhere?

[ ciao captcha ]

for the right woman, i could be anything

what if i want to be the trophy wife

[ she doesn't, but you know. ]

i'm afraid you'll have to fight me for it

jokes on you i am a pretty good brawler

again?

i almost killed him in front of a hot dog stand
and it got caught on camera
bad optics

1. i told you it's not a hangover
2. well he's starting to trust me more but that's not saying a whole lot. [ shin going undercover to ingratiate himself to a yakuza assassin type inspired by this look which btw is from a sakadays PUZZLE game lmao. long-con. shin is the boss's type but he's still gotta work his way up. you know the drill. ]
3. most people apologize when they shoot someone by accident!
...it was an accident
right?
HEY!
4. press 1 if you're sick! press 2 if you're injured! give me your location either way :|
5. it would take a lot more than that to kill me. no worries there!
6. [ text him your own? for shipping m/m 20+. cool with assumed cr and gen and misfires. ]

The sweet drinks are often the strongest. There's no shame in it.

he said it was honey lemonade!

[ and it didn't occur to shin to try to read his mind. ]

I only say this because I've been in the same situation many times. The cocktails can really sneak up on you.

That being said, did someone lie to you about the contents of a drink? I'll have them arrested within the hour.

yeah i never had one that tasted that good before honestly

no no!!! i mean he might've been joking. i wasn't paying that much attention!

[ and shin can't go back in time to read his mind and check...he doesn't want to get someone arrested if it's his own fault! if... ]

Alright. Apologies if I was too hasty but for something like that I had to be sure.

But on the subject of the hangover, why not just sleep it off?

aw you don't have to apologize. it's nice of you to care! actually maybe i should go back and be sure it wasn't intentional. hmmm.

oh but yeah i can't cause i work today!

[ and if he fails as an employee at sakamoto's store he'll ACTUALLY DIE of self disappointment so! ]

You are far more dedicated to your job than I. I could stand to learn from you.

[Sir, you are a general, that is concerning.]

Do you have time to wake yourself up with caffeine before your work begins?

i'm sure that's not true! you were ready to arrest someone and i bet you're not even on duty right now!

[ he doesn't k now he's a general or anything but the guy said 'arrest' so like!? ]

already had some! but i guess that "lemonade" was super packed. i feel like a bomb hit me again!

[ he edits that text to say "car" instead of bomb. whether or not jing yuan catches that is up to you! ]

I certainly hope nothing is hitting you, especially not something as serious as a bomb. Or car.

[This person certainly has a way of expressing himself! Must not have known which metaphor to go with.]

Do you at least happen to work somewhere with an alternative drink readily available?

that makes two of us!

[ 0/10 do not recommend either one! ]

yep! it's a convenience store, so we have plenty of drinks.

oh i was wondering what DO you do for work, if you don't mind me asking!

I don't mind at all. My name is Jing Yuan, I'm one of the seven Arbiter-Generals of the Xianzhou Alliance. If you haven't heard of the Alliance, that's alright. It's a fleet of ships that travels through space, never docking on land. Our entire civilization lives and works and carries out their day to day lives on the ships, though everyone is free to travel as they wish.

[Kinda far from a convenience store, but he's a chill guy really!]

[ continue here! ]

1. How many times was he stabbed and do you have it on video?
2. Your puns are only subpar.
3. Carrot cake is not considered a vegetable nor are cookies in the shape of broccoli.
4. How many rubber ducks did you put in the tub? Be honest.
5. [text her!]

Edited 2025-05-23 04:15 (UTC)

Not with that attitude!

The amount of processed sugar in those is just… You need real vegetables.

1. Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
2. There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
3. I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet.
4. Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
5. 3pm strippers are depressing.
6. text her

I'm so, so, so, so, so very sorry!
I didn't know where else I could put it!!
What was I supposed to do??

[ From a fellow PI also with the initials J Jones. Bet they get each other’s mail. Totally not an alien in disguise. ]

Not as much as their patrons, I'd imagine.

Do I wanna know why you’ve reached this conclusion?

You would definitely know it's Jersey. It smells like piss and broken dreams.

1. How I take my tea is my own business, thanks very much. Besides, is a drink that's half tea and half honey truly that outlandish? They say honey is very good for you these days, no?

2. It's just a pity I couldn't retrieve my knife. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to find quality knives these days?

3. Expect a delivery by bird in about an hour or two. It will be very adorably round and fluffy, unfortunately, but it actually is quite competent. Gray and white speckled feathers.

4. Myriad technological advancements at our fingertips in this day and age, and you're telling me the recording limit for a voicemail is still only a minute? Well...no matter. Guess I'll just have to send you a dozen text messages in a row next time around.

( or wildcard your own! open to castmates or crosscanon, misfires also ok )

Okay but you never needed an excuse to do that before.

Getting a distinct impression that I'm being called a long-winded denizen of the texting realm, here!

[which. he is. but like it's the principle of the thing ok--]

Anyway, surely it's not that odd to want to try mixing things up a bit? A different medium for a different mood! Etcetera.

Also, I was trying to avoid waking you if you were asleep. Though now it looks like that was a moot endeavor regardless...

You aren't just long-winded. You're like

Theatrically long-winded. It's impressive.

And that's okay, you know I keep odd hours.

"Impressive" is far more flattering than "obnoxious", so I'll take these little victories. Ever kind with your words as always, dear Manager.

I suppose it's true your work often demands unconventional hours...not exactly like I can talk, either. Still, I do know most people keep their phones on silent these days, so a single call-to-voicemail felt more prudent at the time. Well, anyway, all that's not so important...

Much more importantly: where did the audio actually cut off, anyway? And was it mid-sentence? Mid-word? [might have been working towards a point but spent too long on something ridiculous like regaling her on the quality of the moon this night first......]

Edited 2025-05-23 11:10 (UTC)

Hey now, I really do think it's impressive. The way you talk is very charming.

And of course you can call me whenever. I keep my phone on vibrate so I know when I get alerts and things, but it won't bug me when I'm sleeping.

It was mid-sentence, last word was "waxing."

( "it would be cute if you talked like a chuuni too" belle no don't listen to him it's a trap ok......also whoo overflow )

Why is that unfortunate?

Everyone likes things that are adorable and round and fluffy.

Now, no need to get the wrong idea! As I still possess a heart, and not a stone where one ought to be, I'm naturally just as susceptible to the adorable and round and fluffy as anyone else. [naturally!!] But, it's just...you know...when one thinks about "Mockingbird" the syndicate--the occasional headline on the news--what first comes to mind? The impression invoked?

No, I know what you mean.

But if his heart and soul is behind the Mockingbird cause, then his fluffiness should be beside the point, no?

Maybe you could try looking at it as an asset. His cuteness is a lure used to strike fear into the hearts of the wicked...

[ note: it is actually possible, on rare occasions, for wise to be quite silly... ]

[this sure is...very silly....surprisingly silly, actually?? who'd have thought he'd have it in him. ha, phaethon's latter half truly never fails to surprise at the most unexpected times--] Hmmmm, it's not an unfounded sort of argument...cuteness as a lure for the wicked unwitting, how subversive! Certainly not the sort of thing most would see coming. [....] Well, actually, Vivian could probably manage to pull off that sort of thing herself very well sometimes. Maybe that's actually why she wanted me to train up this sort of bird so badly?

Although, at the moment, this particular little bird's heart and soul might be rather less behind the Mockingbird cause and more behind the timely and tasty seeds he gets for flying to certain places with certain things...do you suppose his worldview might someday broaden, with the passage of time?

I find that most animals will repay consistent bribery with love... so, yes. That’s how we got Inky to come home with us.

Can I feed your canary when he gets here, actually?

Oh, I guess there's no reason you couldn't feed him too...he'll certainly grow more inclined to your windowsill in particular that way...

Though that could also turn into something of a problem all its own! Not plotting to bribe my new canary into loving you more than Mockingbird already, are you?

Oh, you got me.

[ that was the plan?! ]

I always wanted a cute little birdie to play with. Have you ever watched those Inter-Knot reels where they just jiggle in their owner's hand? So cute...

[DEVIOUS.......]

Some of them do have a tendency to jiggle about, don't they? And have you seen as well? If you gently clasp a sufficiently tame bird in both hands, you can lift and rotate it such that its head remains utterly level while the neck swivels about. Perfectly stable! You could attach a little camera to its head on a boat and it'd be superior to any gyro tripod. Creatures of many talents, aren't they?

[uh. hold on. getting distracted--]

That is to say. The charm of a bird is an understandable siren call. However, don't be so sure that Mockingbird's staff can be poached so very easily! I daresay this canary will be much more partial to our superior birdseed, for one thing. So your efforts will be in vain!

[ so he, too, is not immune to the charms of a good cute round birb video... good to know... ]

Well, I'll be happy if I can just roll him around in my palm for a bit. Rub his little head feathers...

But it kind of sounds like you're expecting me to issue you a challenge over whether or not I can seduce your bird.

...And this kind of makes me want to see if I can seduce your bird.

[local man who named his whole crime outfit after a bird indeed in fact very partial...to a good cute round birb video......but also who wouldn't be?? bias has nothing to do with it???]

Pardon me, have you not been laying down a challenge to seduce my bird this entire time? Could have fooled me! [the way this could extremely easily be a euphemism for something...but no.....this isn't even flirting he is just. he's genuinely ready to square up for this bird now? it's a brand thing? at this point,] But surely you don't mean to imply that you could be a better bird-charmer than I, a bird aficionado? Birds and cats are not at all the same, you know! Toss a gauntlet such as this, and you may well be biting off more than even the legendary Phaethon can chew~

We'll see.

I'm just generally good with animals. I guess it's because I stay pretty calm? When we were young, Belle used to brag to the other kids about how her brother was a "fairytale princess"... Haha, she was cute then.

Anyway, I wouldn't really steal him from you. I wouldn't break Vivian's heart like that.

...But if we could co-parent... no, if I could have weekend visitation...

Edited 2025-05-24 00:52 (UTC)

[ah.] Well. It is assuring to hear, yes, that you'd take Vivian's feelings into consideration on this matter...

[no he had not been so caught up in Bird Flexing that he very briefly slipped into a world where vivian hadn't prodded him into begrudgingly training this too-cute bird to begin with....]

Besides which, stealing things in general ought to be Mockingbird's fare anyhow! As for co-parent visitation...how about, let us see what the bird decides. If he ends up favoring your residence well enough, then perhaps that frequency will speak for itself. Though of course, I doubt it'd be periods longer than a weekend! So that thought of yours may be just as well.

[.....]

Indeed, a calm and steady bearing goes a long way with many animals. I'll grant that I could easily envision a person like you having such a knack. Fairytale princess, ha.

But Belle never had that knack herself? Too energetic? It's a little funny, if so. I've tried to impart the fine art of birdkeeping upon Vivian, naturally, but she also hasn't yet taken to it so easily. She treats all creatures very well, of course, but in terms of committing the time actially needed...well, she's always taking on many different projects at once, after all...

Edited 2025-05-24 02:44 (UTC)

[ ah, yes... little sister problems... though wise has to admit that it's a little funny how seriously hugo takes his Bird Flexing. hmm, what to bait him on next time...?

...why is he planning around poking fun at hugo a next time... ]

I think Belle can wrangle a cat or a dog just fine... but, yes, she might carry a little too much nervous energy for most other animals. Rabbits don't usually like excitable handlers, for example...

As for Vivian... well, I think I'm starting to get the picture...

I'm guessing her lack of commitment is why you've wound up being Mr. Canary's primary caregiver?

( every time i read Bird Flexing im just thinking about ripped guys balancing tiny birds on each arm now cries......anyway, )

1) I'm telling you, the hot tub won't lead to anything more than awkward splashing

2) I took off my shirt at the party and some guy took it home???

3) and i mean this in the nicest way possible: no. never again. NEVER. AGAIN.

4) in my defense I AM more used to "shots shots shots" being used on the battlefield so...

5) text him;

by guy do you mean human or?

I think he was human. Looked like it from behind... while he was running away.

that’s quite strange, why would he want to take your shirt…

maybe you should start putting your name on them.

I have no idea. It's definitely not a mistake - no way it'd fit a human well. I'd have to learn to write it in human script first.

( wait….

james might be an idiot but— )

so how…

how exactly are we having this conversation?

[It's okay James....]

Oh, that. Auto translate. All my messaging devices have it.

oh

I guess I should have believed you when you said you were an alien. maybe they took it to sell it? you can always check the pawn shops.

Do I want to ask what you thought I was, if not an alien? ... People do that? Sell shirts they steal, I mean.

a dream.

( more like a nightmare given his history. )

people will do anything for money, yes.

I uh I'm flattered but uh. I didn't think I was your type.

[GARRUS NOT THAT KIND OF DREAM, YOU ABSOLUTE DINGUS.]

Well damn. If there's a market for my shirts, maybe I should make some extra credits.

uh....

( he doesn't really know how to debunk [?] that. )

might not be a good idea unless you're desperate for the money.

Wait Was that not Oh You uh. You meant actual dreams. Right?

[We're sorry about him, James.]

Let's hope that doesn't happen.

It's like 4 inches of water, Garrus. You won't even need to pretend to know how to swim in it.

No, I've seen them. They come up to human chests.

Which would be like 4 inches for you. I did the math.

I'm only 218.

[... Centimeters. He's seven foot two inches.]

I didn't ask for your weight.

[She knows what he meant, but if she didn't give him a hard time, would she really be his friend?]

Edited 2025-05-23 06:00 (UTC)

What? No I mean

[HOLD ON DOING SOME CONVERSION MATH HERE...]

seven feet? Feet. Right, that's a measurement on Earth.

Mostly only in America, but I work in a lab. Converting's in my blood now.

That said, it's still only a little bit of water. You'll be fine in it. Or did you want me to get you some floaties?

Ah, right, right. I'll still sink. It's like moving through gel. And besides, they're never hot enough.

[You big baby.]

You are aware a hot tub isn't some bottomless pool, right? You can only go down so far. Stop being dramatic.

Also we can always turn up the heat to make it hotter than Hell.

Doesn't mean I like being in the water... And that'll scald any humans who get in too. Why can't it just be a shower?

I think you don't like fun either.

Because showers are only fun when you're taking them with someone else.

I beg to differ. Just not when it involves water. It's hot water, but without the potential drowning. Why would a shower be different than a tub?

You're not even giving a chance! You can't just say no to everything that involves water.

Again, no one drowns in a hot tub. And you have to stand in a shower, at least you get to sit and relax in a hot tub.

Hey, you would say no if someone was trying to convince you sitting in quicksand was a good idea. I have investigated no less than 5 hot tub-related drownings.

But would you say no if it was Shepard trying to convince you?

That sounds like bullshit. You just made that up.

That's cheating. Invoking Shepard is cheating. I did not. Five separate incidents of drowning in hot tubs on the Citadel.

It's absolutely not. And you didn't answer my question.

I'm sure there were more than five incidents of shootings on the Citadel, but does that stop you from using a gun?

Shepard wouldn't ask me to.

[Yes she would.]

That's different. I know how to use a gun - a lot of guns, actually. I can't swim.

But if she did, would you?

It doesn't matter. You don't need to know how to swim in a hot tub. Again, not that much water.

I well that's - she's my girlfriend You have to make your partner happy

[So yes, he would. This loser.]

Why is it so important I use a hot tub?

Okay, so all I gotta do is go and tell her how romantic you and her in a hot tub would be. Be right back.

[She's absolutely going to do this, watch and see.]

Because Garrus, sometimes it's good to try something new in life.

... You wouldn't. I've tried plenty of new things. Hell, I even learned to dance!

I already sent her a text.

A hot tub is way easier than dancing on those two left feet of yours. You just sit there.

Why would you do this to me... Hey now. Cortez said I did great. And - Shepard did amazing. That's practically a miracle.

Edited 2025-05-24 06:57 (UTC)

Because how often will you get to see Shepard in a bikini?

And you'd do great in the tub IF YOU WOULD JUST STOP BEING A CHICKEN.

I don't think she owns one. So... never? I'm not! I'm being practical!

Oh, then I'll tell her you want to go skinny dipping. Even better.

P is for practical and punkass.

Why are you so invested in us? ... No? Just practical.

Because you two are my friends and I get joy out of seeing my friends hooking up.

Practicality is boring. Be less boring, Garrus.

I uh. I'm grateful to be counted as a friend

[But he's too uptight, right, Garrus?]

I'm allowed to be boring after living through the war.

I appreciate that your instinct was to "get me into cover" but...

I uh I may have had a couple of said shots. Beforehand.

Honestly I'm glad I did too because I bet some of these bruises hurt to get but I don't remember anything other than getting the wind knocked out of me from landing on the table leg funny

And, frankly, this whole thing is an improvement over the last time I got drunk at a party. No rifles involved, this time.

I'm glad it's an improvement for one of us. Your doctor fixed me up at least.

She does that - fixes up people with only a little judgment. Just a bit.

Maybe he thought you looked better without it and that he was doing the rest of us a favor?

I don't know. I don't see it.

Seriously? Not often you meet a guy that humble.

I mean, the scars do earn a lot of attention... but usually just from krogans.

[He is serious. Sort of.]

Sorry to be the one to break it to you, but there are a lot of people out there who probably find you handsome. The scars just add character.

I'm flattered. I don't see it, but flattered all the same.

We really have to work on your self-esteem. Not what I expected from a vigilante! It is refreshing, I'll give you that.

Oh uh. Well. That was a while ago. Really only bring it up to take stubborn Alliance recruits down a few levels.

[coughVEGAcough]

Still something interesting to have on your resumé. What was the name again? 'Archangel?' That's a good one— you would fit right in with my crowd.

That's the name. Honestly, I didn't even know what it meant until I asked someone. They said it was for all the ah "good deeds".

Sounds like you made a good impression on them, even if you're not keeping up with it anymore. Vigilantes aren't always recognized, even when they're doing what they think is right— for the greater good.

If they were doing it for recognition, they were doing it for the wrong reasons. I never wanted to get famous or... anything like that. Just thought I was doing some good.

I guess what I meant is that sometimes people recognize them for the wrong things— write them off as criminals, which is usually the exact opposite of what they are. Even if you were just doing what you thought was right, it's nice that someone noticed.

It's the deeds themselves that matter most, of course.

Ah... yeah. Yeah, I get what you mean. It uh - wasn't all good though. A lot of people did think I was the one in the wrong. Granted, they were all gangs of thugs and criminals, but still. You talk like you've got a lot of experience here.

Of course the ones on the receiving end would think they're in the right. They always do.

I do know a little something about trying to undermine injustice. There are people out there who think they can get away with treating other people like animals or science experiments, just because they look different.

Mm, so they do. That's... a strong stance to take. Not saying I disagree. Not at all. [Not just because Jack would physically appear and murder him--] Does this mean you're speaking from your own stint into saving the galaxy? So to speak.

Maybe not the galaxy, but a small part of it. Friends. Mutant brothers and sisters.

I'm... familiar with that word, but. Probably not in a way that's charitable. Mind clarifying?

Humans who have evolved beyond what's come to be considered the standard. No two are alike, each with their own abilities. People fear what they don't understand, but for the most part, most normal humans don't even try to understand us.

[Okay, the 'evolved humans' has a little bit of a negative tinge to it. But that was Cerberus' fault. Not hers.]

And you're one of them, I take it? Making sure I'm following.

1. so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
2. Let the record show that I hate your ass.
3. I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
4. If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
5. Text him!

1. i will fight you. thats not a threat thats a prediction. 2. it is so much easier to make a list of things i have done than to figure out what EVERYONE has done by my age that ive missed. 3. how do you do those little faces in your texts?????? 4. stop sending me ikea shop pages for things you think i need in my home. if i cannot pronounce djungelskog, i don't need one.5. Text him! Crosscanon, assumed CR, misfires all welcome.

1. How much for that CCTV footage?

2. Not now, love
Daddy’s tailing the President

3. If you don’t hear from me again, just know that your tits were the best I ever had the pleasure of seeing

4. Stop sharing your location
It’s like you’re asking for some ornery cunt to turn up at your front door

5. Now that's confidential
Bring me Noir's head in a box and I'll consider telling you

01. You left your shoes but remembered to take the vodka. I see where your priorities are.
02. My pizza lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
03. I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
04. Did you die? If you did, just text "dead" to me so that I know.
05. If Manny starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed the kitchen.

dead. happy?

[ psh, it's not like he was frantically worried or anything. ]

Not as much as Nora who won first pick from your belongings.

( thread moved here if you want. )

1) This "Grand Mariner" does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.

2) He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.

3) In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.

4) For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.

5) Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercussions.

6) [ Text him! ]

_{[[ Finished one ending of the game (V) + all the side-content, just mark for spoilers! ]]}

I do admit to the latter part of that statement.

Which is precisely why we should do it. What's the worst that could happen?

Mm. Pain, nothing new.

Which never killed anyone bef

Well, it's never killed US before. It's fine.

More or less.

You sound like you have reservations this time. If you've got a better idea, let's hear it.

Since when do you need an excuse to do anything, mon vieux?

Never, but I've been told that it's easier to get away with things if I say that.

_{[ except probably against Golgra but shhh. ]}

captcha escape

So you punched a giant snake in the face?

It's either that or I get a free shot at one of those big ones up in the mountains, and everyone else won't let me.

That seems...ill-advised. On both accounts.

( 1 ) Would you like to be my long distance no commitment private and secret situationship?

( 2 ) Some of you act like murder is such a big deal.

( 3 ) "You're so manipulative"? Gods forbid I use my persuasive language skills.

( 4 ) How are you going to believe concrete evidence over me?

[ super OTA. cross-canon ✅ assumed cr ✅ misfires ✅ come at me! ]

It's not so much your language skills, as a stand alone, that is the problem. It's the whole package. Your tone, your demeanour, knowing exactly what to say and do to get what you want. Or, to just get under someone else's skin.

I've never felt more confused, mocked and seen by someone saying 'I love you' before.

It was just a bit of fun! You really do take everything so dreadfully seriously.

Please, enlighten me-how is that supposed to be fun? They are words that are to be taken seriously, not said to mock or to manufacture a torrid encounter.

Really? It's always worked a treat to manufacture torrid encounters before.

Besides, I thought that it was the sort of thing you'd like to hear.

Yes, so I gathered from what you said to me. You've quite the repertoire to accomplish that particular goal, I understood your message loud and clear.

You were correct. It is. That's why I'm upset!

Well, that doesn't make any sense. You should be beside yourself with joy. Or at least terribly aroused.

I want to hear it said genuinely. If you're not genuine, I'd rather not hear it at all.

Besides, there are other ways to... stir me, if that is the goal.

Mmm, that's a far more interesting topic than scolding me, don't you think? Tell me, what makes the Wizard of Waterdeep's wand spark?

I don't entirely feel done scolding you, but I can move on. Up until that point, things had been rather enjoyable.

Praise, appreciation, admiration. But as I would also rather they were genuine, too, lets not.

... there is something else. You'll think it foolish.

[ A gifted kid with a praise kink? Groundbreaking. ]

More foolish than being alone with a deadly vampire in the woods at night? I doubt it.

Point taken. Very well.

I seem to have become quite enamoured with your hands. There's something pleasantly hypnotic about watching them defuse a trap before I manage to bumble into it, or deftly picking a lock with the kind of intimacy usually reserved for caressing delicate and sensitive skin.

That's quite a lot of words to say that you want me to pick YOUR lock.

[ Is it a euphemism if it's grosser than just saying it? ]

You truly have no room for romance, do you?

Yes, yes, that's what I want. I want to feel your hands learning the secrets of my flesh.

Mm, no.

But we can pretend we're an old married couple while we do it, if that's what gets you going.

No. No pretend. I'll take whatever you can give most authentically.

It doesn't change the fact that watching your hands work turns me on in ways you clearly cannot comprehend.

Oh, I comprehend it. And I can think of all sorts of fun ways to put them to work on you.

For now, that would be agreeable. If nothing else, I know that you can be quite creative. In turn, it may please you to know I can be quite talented with my own hands, as well. Not to mention my practiced tongue...

( overflow! )

Is it possible to be long distance while also living in the same camp?
Or secret, for that matter.

If we put our minds together, I'm sure there's nothing we can't do.

An admirable vote of confidence.
Though I'm curious -- how are you defining "situationship"?

The point, darling, is not to define it.

Perhaps... I'll need you to explain that word first though.

You'll have to be more specific. There could be any number of words that you don't know. You don't even know your own name.

And you don't remember the original color of your eyes, but you still know colors... Obviously I mean "situationship", Astarion.

Oh. Well, you should have just said so, darling.

I suppose it could mean anything, really. It's all very vague and unestablished. That's the modern way of things, you know.

How...underwhelming.

What, were you hoping for more? You should really set your sights on Gale, if that's your aim. The poor thing reeks of desperation.

Gale is...overwhelming.

[Not to use an antonym of a previous word here, but it's the nicest way to put it.]

But I prefer just calling that "fucking"... More straight to the point. Better word. Less cute.

Ugh. How reductive! It's not just fucking.

I imagined you would also do my camp chores for me.

[Oh, how he laughs.]

Didn't know you had a wild imagination, Astarion!

...I haven't yet heard a DEFINITIVE 'no'.

I like sleeping with you, and I even like you... But not enough to do your chores.

Mm, what if I upgraded you from a private and secret situationship to one that you could tell three people of your choice about?

Very tempting! If only I had three people to tell.

Scratch. The owlbear. Withers!

Scratch has found us fucking already. Withers knows too trust me. Owlbear is too young!

( overflow! )

Why do I feel like the secret part is more important than the long-distance part?

Secrets are so terribly sexy.

And I wouldn't want the rest of the camp to get jealous, of course. I'm very thoughtful that way.

So you'd prefer sneaking away from the camp to do sinful things in the wood instead? Of course. Hell's forbid that Gale look up from a book to get jealous at you stealing away with me.

Admittedly, the woods aren't my preferred location for sinful activities, but it seems seedy tavern rooms are out of the question for the time being.

Well I can't take you among my bedrolls if you wish to keep things secret. Though the moment we're in the city. I'll be sure to rent the finest room to ravage you in.

( overflow! )

1. Here's a cute date idea: I wrap you in your favorite blanket, put you in an oil drum full of cement, and bury you out in the desert.

2. Thank you for always listening to me even though the only language I'm fluent in is Complete Nonsense.

3. Unfortunately, you weren't as excited to see me as I hoped you would be. You know what happens next, don't you? 🪓

4. It's us!
[ link ]

5. [ text him! ota, assumed cr, and crosscanon are loved🩷 ]

Edited 2025-05-23 04:19 (UTC)

It -is- us! 💙

We switch roles depending on the day, of course. I'm happy to rely on you, and vice versa I'm sure.

You're as reliable as the sun in the brilliant blue sky. If that makes you my star, I hope you'll accept the role.

You have quite a way with words. Though unconventional at times, they never leave one wondering where they stand with you, Tomoe. In light of being each others "babieeeeees", I propose midnight mimosas and french toast. Right now.

Unconventional is unforgettable! I will graciously accept your invitation only if you agree to my hand-feeding you like a newly-hatched bird in a cozy blanket nest.

I would be remiss to decline such a kind offer. Well then, off with you now. Everything is already prepared, I simply need to microwave the toast. I would use the air fryer, but I'm no longer allowed. I hope this will not be a problem.

Microwave the toast...?

Well, as I said, I can't air fry it, so microwaving it will have to do.

Neither of those are used in the making of French toast!

[ follow me...... ]

Oh dear, and here I'd worried you would be embarrassed if I was too enthusiastic.

Not to worry! I'll accept my punishment with grace, and correct my mistake immediately.

[Message received, Riddle will be greeted with a spinning hug when he comes to collar him. No magic needed for those shenanigans.]

Now I'm certain *this* greeting will be over the top and purposely embarrassing! Just greet me with slightly-above-average enthusiasm when I arrive!

[ unfortunately, riddle is terrible prey with no survival instincts. sure, he can sense danger, but he's not going to let that stop him from showing up! ]

My average enthusiasm is a bit different than yours, Roi des Roses. But as you wish!

[Riddle is such cute prey though, like a little white rabbit scurrying through the tall grass as fast as he can hop, and thumping his feet whenever he's irritated. Doesn't he know the more he fusses, the more interesting he is to watch?]

[ when your sympathetic nervous system has been completely shot and can only comprehend "fight", it's hard to realize just how alluring those stomping little feet are. ironic, given that his temper is meant to deter predators, but they just can't seem to get enough of him. ]

That's fine. Those in attendance should know you well enough to understand that much. As I said, as long as you don't deliberately embarrass me in any way, I will have no complaints.

My makeup is finished. I just need to change outfits. How formal is this party? Should I dress more conservatively, or will embracing the spirit of the Queen of Hearts be received well?

[ like, can he show up looking like a bad bitch or will people Whisper? how much non-conforming can we get away with before we gender non-conform too close to the sun. ]

I think you'll find the mood and company both quite avante garde! It will be formal, but conventional rules rarely apply to experimental theatre.

Especially given this particular show. The more beautifully you embody the spirit of the Queen of Hearts, the more breathtaking our fellow revelers will find you, I guarantee it.

[Trust him to be an avid enough theatre buff to hear about the Weird new productions--and to be invited to their exclusive launch parties. And what story could better suit that genre than a musical dramatizing the Queen of Hearts' reign? He couldn't just let Riddle miss this opportunity!]

I see? That's a relief. While I have no problem navigating formal atmospheres, when it comes to being able to relax and enjoy myself, I find that unconventional minds with new ideas are easiest to converse with.

In that case, I have just the outfit. This will be my first time wearing it out, so I'm quite excited. Once again, be sure you remember to receive me warmly when I arrive, alright? You will be the only person in attendance I'm familiar with.

Yes, your majesty!

I couldn't agree more! I'm looking forward to seeing your outfit, as well. You'll indulge me with a picture to commemorate our outing, won't you?

[ overflow!!! ]

I'll be out in seconds. You'll have to try harder to keep me from following you.

Then perhaps for the dinner portion of our date, I feed you cement as well?

I don't know. Sounds a little too heavy for my personal liking.

I would like to know, however, what has made you so cross with me in the first place?

[ damn you lyney... that one almost got riddle to crack a smile. ]

You were four minutes late to our last date! That alone is unforgivable, but then you had to go and leave in the morning without giving me a goodbye kiss! Where are your manners?!

Oh, you know I have impeccable manners and especially around you. The last thing I want to do is upset my dear Riddle!

It's like always. When Father calls, I answer. I do try to make it up to you. After all, disappointing you is the last thing I wish.

I understand... You are very busy, and you have many responsibilities, especially as of late I imagine.

However, I do worry, you know. It's just as you say. You're normally very good about these things. I couldn't help but wonder if you're overexerting yourself, or if your mission isn't going well and you may be in trouble.

Worrying and upsetting are petals that come from the same flower. Even if I told you not to be concerned, you would be anyway.

Unfortunately these issues have been plaguing my family for quite a while. They start small and grow into weeds that need to be dealt with. Once they are, I'll be able to stay with you as long as you like.

Though, it's more difficult still that our schedules don't always quite align... but they will soon fit more easily together.

Your family needs you. Do not concern yourself with me to the point where it affects your performance. Focus on doing what you must first. You can only apologize and make it up to me if you come back safely.

I suppose I have no right to lecture you for overworking yourself when I do the same thing. There's just so much to see and learn about in lovely Fontaine, that I tend to forget myself and while away all my time researching.

Regardless, I wish to do my part as well. I'll make more time for you as well.

Ah, but don't misinterpret my words! You're family to me too. The number of times that you've stitched up my wounds under the cover of night. I can only masquerade as a student of your prestigious school so many times until someone figures out I'm not from a special fifth suit.

Fontaine is a beautiful place! And because you've been once it's your home as well. By taking care of me, you've taken care of it too.

And you should be working on your magic. Mine pales in comparison. You have talents many wish they could have.

[ come escape captcha with me...... ]

i thought the growth spurt was hitting at the end of the summer, though

It can technically hit anytime *until* the end of summer. Until then, I'm allowing you to enjoy being the taller one between us while you can.

may i ask, how do you think that one enjoys being tall?

Where do I begin? You can use the back of the second shelf in cabinets, you can store things on top of the refrigerator, you can walk faster, clothes look more flattering and well-proportioned, and when you use the washing machine, you don't need to climb or jump-- You can just bend right over and grab things out of it without issue! Even with a stepping stool, I'm at risk of falling in or losing my center of balance.

[ kaiser doesn't even do half of the things on this list. like, he could, but he doesn't. ]

counterpoint. in an emergency situation dont you think a smaller person is more likely to survive?

[ typical tall freak doesn't realize how good he has it-- ]

What sort of emergency? If there's a killer on the loose, or we're stranded, or what have you, unfortunately I will most likely be taken out first on account of being deliberately targeted. I can hide, but ultimately if you're motivated to eat me or kill me, there's little I can do.

Now, I will admit, having access to unique hiding places and being exceptionally nimble are great advantages. In a natural disaster, being easy to pick up and carry is also advantageous.

you have a point there, it does depend on the scale of the emergency
then, in a direct one-on-one situation, the smaller person probably does have a disadvantage. but in a mass scale emergency situation, i think the smaller person will generally have an advantage...

lots of pro athletes arent that tall, though

[ he's scared to ask "do you know about messi?" ]

That's a good way to put it. A good portion of my complaints come from one-on-one interactions. Thankfully, my status as the main character will most likely grant me protection from being caught in the end.

[ rip to the other shorties of the world. ]

Is that so? How curious. Then again, height isn't everything. A strong, robust body is also important. I'm hoping to get a *little bit* bigger with my growth spurt as well, just so I don't look like a beanpole. As I am now, I'm fairly certain if you put your hands around my waist, your thumbs could touch.

[ riddle does, in fact, have the smallest human waist in canon. also, do not ask him about messi, he'll complain that he's still tall and it doesn't count-- after asking who that is, of course, because he genuinely only knows maybe a handful of bastard munchen's lineup and, like. david beckham. ]

?
getting taller will just make you look even more like a beanpole, though

[ he doesn't want to directly break it to riddle, but if that's his issue, then he has to bulk up above all else... plenty of soccer pros out there with twinkish physiques... ]

As long as I exercise to tone up, and dress myself well, I should still be able to maintain an elegant appearance, right? I still want to be able to wear dresses and skirts.

[ he's...starting to figure it out. and it's scaring him, because what do you mean he has to choose between sexually confusing men or not falling into the washing machine? what the fuck?? what the FUCK! ]

i dont think height disbars anybody from being able to wear what they want, first of all...

[ but maybe kaiser is biased, being a boy who wears eyeliner and has the exact same androgynous face his mother does... ]

but if youre going to pick what you wear to look as elegant as possible, isnt it more about picking whats most flattering? like, tall women wear different dresses than short women do.

It's mostly an issue I run into when wearing men's clothes. Even in their smallest sizes, sleeves are often too long, and shirts look boxy and make me look even smaller. Long blazers or cardigans, and big patterns in general tend to be unflattering on shorter people. Of course, technically anyone can dress however they please, but it can be humbling and inconvenient, trying to find ways to make pieces you're in love with work for you.

Well, yes, exactly. I like the look of a lot of dresses tall women can wear. Granted, I really can wear most of the things I like without too much issue, but being taller certainly wouldn't hurt my market value.

[ riddle doesn't know how to say 'being tall would make me hot whereas right now i'm pretty at best' without making things weird, so he keeps that to himself. to the surprise of no one, going all-in on his appearance is a whole new Thing for him so thinking about it can be overwhelming. it's easier and less potentially humbling to just buy expensive shit or simple outfits and call it a day. ]

The most important thing about being tall is the practicality of it, though. That is my main motivation.

[ "arent you rich or something?? get tailoring"... he presses backspace on all of that. it's a different in perspective, perhaps; riddle wants to wear what he likes, whereas kaiser tends to wear what looks good on him. kaiser can understand that, even if he doesn't get it.

also, sometimes women just want to vent without a man telling them solutions, he gets it! ]

have you considered about airplane seats? transportation seating in general?

[ this shit filled up too fast ]

LOL u kno I'm always talking nonsense Queenie ur in perfect company 😛😘

Rufus [ a heartslabyul mob ] said I "just be talking, and making sense is optional sometimes". Do you think he has a point?

You can be honest, I won't get angry. Also, thank you. While I do not understand a lot of internet lingo and slang, learning from you is making following conversations with others much easier.

he's right tbh we do just be yappin sometimes and there's nothing wrong with that!!

&& I am soooo happy to teach u everything I kno 😉

You know what? You're right. If someone has a difficult time understanding our yapping, it's nothing more yapping can't fix. Besides, everything we say is valuable.

You're an exemplary upperclassman, Cater. Or rather, you are the GOAT.

OMG kyaaaaa 😳🥰

[Riddle calling him the GOAT. He's learning so well. And, also, he's flattered.]

I'm gonna print this out and frame it.

[ escape from captcha hell with me ]

1. i just learned that i could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe soooo
are you free this weekend???

2. you wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?

3. hey
if you go to jail tonight?
call me
i wanna get out of work

4. Text him, misfires and assumed CR welcome

Edited 2025-05-23 04:19 (UTC)

I'm hurt you didn't join me for one.

at the overflow!

1. ╰( ⁰ ਊ ⁰ )━☆ﾟ.*･｡ﾟ <= me casting a spell for kisses!

2. fun sized candy bars are NOT fun when you've eaten 37 of them

3. in dog beers I’ve only had one!

4. all I want is wine, cuddling, and some light groping

5. [Text him! Misfires, etc welcome!]

All this and more can be yours for 5 yen!

HMMMM that sounds suspiciously familiar, hehe

Nothing is more flattering than imitation, ne? It's your turn to have your wishes granted!

that's true! I'm quite honored, heh. thankfully I have plenty of five yen coins!

And I have plenty of wine! If you would prefer to make a selection, now's the time to say so.

oooh~ I'll defer to your judgement, in this case! I'm not too picky when it comes to offerings

A light, fruity profile is fit for the season. That covers one request. Cuddles, was the next?

sounds good! and hehe yes plz! it's been a while since I got to hug anybody... Yukine's been grumpy about my lack of work

Yato-sama! Didn't I already chastise you for not helping Yukine-kun enough?

you did! and I have been helping! there just hasn't been any calls for wishes lately, so he's restless

Oh, I see. Take him karaoke! Or a running track near a high school? Maybe he would enjoy climbing 7,777 temple steps?

that's not a bad idea... schools make him sad sometimes, but we've never been to that temple. maybe he'd like that. if nothing else it'd wear us out for the day heh

I bet you would hear plenty of wishes near the temple too, although most of them would probably be 'I wish I had stayed home'.

ah, that's a really good point...! we might pick up some work, or at least find a couple ayakashi to slay!

Are there so many ayakashi in the world? I wonder if I could see one some day.

yeah, there are. the world is filled with them since there's so many people, and occasionally vents from Yomi open up, letting out more

it might be possible if you hone your spiritual senses! like by doing training under a waterfall or trying to sense me when I'm near

Vents from Yomi?? That's scary...

I'll try a waterfall meditation session if you believe in its power! You wouldn't stalk me in secret knowing I can't sense you, right?

yeah, you definitely don't want to fall in there!

just don't push yourself too far, okay? and nah, I might check in on you, but never follow you around needlessly

[He learned better with Hiyori.]

Yeah, if you're an amateur.

somehow I don't think I want to practice to get my stomach large enough to eat almost 40 mini candy bars...

It's not that hard. You just gotta ignore how full you feel.

[easy for the shounen protagonist to say with his bottomless pit for a stomach.]

thankfully gods never get full, so it's your stomach I'm worried about

[Little does Yato know how much Ranma can eat...]

That a challenge, o' great and gluttonous god?~

[ranma could already eat out buffets before eating a noodle that gave him the digestive strength of 100 men. yato buddy please throw in the towel]

hehe... maybe it is! we could have a competition!

[The only problem is finding somewhere that can afford to feed two bottomless pits. He doesn't want to put anybody out of business!]

1. [A crude drawing of a dove on what looks like the back of a napkin.]

2. Depends. If ur wearing a thong, I can be there in 5.

3. I didn’t finish. She kept bringing up Batman and how the fuck am I supposed to cum thinking about the guy who take prescription fart pills?

Anyway
What r u wearing?

4. Eagly’s been asking about u. Like wondering when ur gonna stop by. That sorta thing.

5. seeing visions
search visions people dead
google I see dead people

DUDE
THAT IS SO GOOD

you should draw doves for a museum man, i'm serious

Don't fuck with me man
This isn't even a good one

i'd never fuck around with how cool you are 🧜‍♂️
if you don't think this one is good though you should should do A WHOLE FLOCK OF DOVES and call it an art collection

U know When Doves Cry?
I think it's a Prince song

It's playing in this restaurant

YOU HAVE BEEN BLESSED BY THE PURPLE GOD HIMSELF

(JEHOVAH'S WITNESS THING ASIDE IDK HOW THAT WORKS)

so you gotta at least draw until the song is over

U know him??
I wasn't allowed to listen to this kinda music growing up because

Everything

( you've met his dad, you get it.

but he indeed sends another dove doodle, empowered by the artist formerly known as prince. )

This song about a breakup?

oh yeah i know him HE'S THE TITS

you know, i've never really thought about what that song means. that's another reason why you're so smart, dude, i'm serious. you think of things i don't all the time!!! but anyway, after giving it a thorough listen as if for the first time, i believe that when doves cry by prince is about new beginnings. like a symbol of good things ahead after stuff's been real shitty, y'know?

so i guess it could be about a breakup if you're breaking up with a real dick and so happy their ass is gone

ARE YOU GOING THROUGH A BREAKUP DO I NEED TO KILL SOMEONE

U know what brand of deodorant I use
U really think I could be dating someone without u knowing??

No dude
I’m not breaking up with anyone

I’m just drawing sad doves for fun I guess
But maybe they should be happy instead if this is a song about new beginnings and shit

Are U dating someone??

i mean i feel like i'd know if you were dating someone but idk there's some things that even i don't know

i feel like the doves can all be thinking different things if you want. maybe some are sad and some are happy. maybe some are scared and some are farting and the rest of the birds either laughed or got gassed

nah i'm not dating anyone. i probably talk about stuff like farts too much

Do NOT use that napkin to kill someone.

Yeah?
U gonna stop me??

( fuck off, justice league!!!! )

Go eat a cat, Martian Masturbator

Edited 2025-05-23 17:54 (UTC)

If you are foolish enough to try, yes.

I can also suggest a good therapist, which you are sorely in need of.

Therapy??
Yeah, okay buddy

U know therapy was invented by the left to steal our deepest secrets to clone us, right?

Oh has he? I didn’t know you spoke eagle.

Not all eagle
It’s a dialect thing

East coast eagles have those accents, sound crazy af
Lol

Right. Like ‘Pahk the cah in Hahvahd yahd.’ That sort of thing?

Yeah, but imagine that being screeched at u by a bird
🦅 🔊

U from Boston?

New York, where we all have very normal accents.

Oh
Ew

My dad said New York is just liberals and homos

Oh, 50% accurate for me.

You ever been there?

Also aren’t you a grown man?

Wait, which half?
I mean they both suck but for different reasons

And yeah I’m grown, but my dad is smart as shit

Do they?

I think you should guess which.

He sounds like a genius.

Hoping lesbian
Guessing communist

My manager is a lesbian.

Communism isn’t the same thing as liberalism, though I suppose I could be misunderstanding your definition of liberalism. I voted for Kennedy.

I have a lesbian friend
Maybe u know her

Oh that’s not bad
I would’ve voted for him too if I could

I don’t know every lesbian in New York.

Glad I’ve passed your political screening test.

Oh she’s not in New York
She’s over here where things are normal

But yeah, me too
It’d be pretty shitty if u failed bcuz my eagle thinks ur cool

How did a lesbian manage to get over to your wonderfully normal city?

Did he tell you that?

Hell if I know dude
And she’s like a real lesbian too
She’s got a wife and dogs and everything

Yeah he told me that
He also says ur really pretty

All the things lesbians have.

Thank you, that’s kind. Of him.

He’s a pretty chill bird, yeah

U gonna come by soon and feed him snacks and stuff?

[ moved us here ]

dude it's not like i'm not NOT wearing one right now

but why do you wanna see me in it?
that just violates the BFF code fr

No one wants to see your thong, Vig

hey man, i'm not the one who sent a text message wanting to see me in it

because that'd be weird and insane

1. that wasn’t meant for u
2. I’ve seen ur ballsack
3. R u wearing a thong???

oh, this is an exciting game! I'M IN

1. then why did you send it to me?
2. coolest ballsack EVER
3. no??? yes??? i mean do i find it comfortable? yeah. do i like how it hugs my dick? sure. i'm not gonna be judged for it, that's discrimination

It’s not a game dude, it’s just a list

1. Because I have super big, sexy, muscular fingers and sometimes I hit the wrong name when I’m typing shit
2. Idk I didn’t look at it too long
3. So, totally yes

a list of what??

1. you DO have those big, sexy (in a totally platonic way), muscular fingers! super envious but hey, my fingers get to be cool in adjacent
2. why not? (in a totally platonic way)
3. dude sometimes it's the best option with my uniform ok

Did u want me to look at ur balls dude?

idk i was just asking. is it wrong to ask?

Yeah
Kinda

Did u look at MY balls??

oh shit, sorry man!!! did i fuck up?

well, your balls were kinda there and i have eyes, so

( don’t be endearing when chris is trying to be annoyed!! )

Ur good dude
It’s not that kind of weird

There were tits there tho

[ he can't help it :') ]

okay, good
BFF slot still secured!!

and oh yeah dude, saw those tits too

When I see tits, pretty sure the rest of the world goes blank
So I think I was balls blind

U should take ur mask off next time

wait you think i saw tits instead??

i mean fair, i guess
there was one time i killed the wrong person because of my mask
turned out dude was an old lady
bummer

( and then he’s back to being annoyed. )

1. U think my balls are tit sized??
2. Don’t wear a mask in the bedroom bcuz it’s weird
3. Feel more bad about killing some old fucking lady Vig jesus

oh, we’re back on this list game again

1. WELL IDK you were the one who implied it is!!
1a. and if it’s not, well, sorry dude
2. hey you didn’t complain when we had that threesome with that lady remember??
3. look man, that was one time
okay maybe four times
BUT THE POINT IS i did say bummer so i felt bad but i moved on

I did complain
A lot
U were being all weird about ur secret identity

you did??
huh
must’ve missed it while i was moaning
and you were moaning
and there was someone’s finger up my ass

anyway that was a lot of fun!

Whose finger?
My finger??

Ud know if it was my finger
So it was prolly hers

Wanna do it again?

you know, i don’t remember actually
but probably hers
i mean i know your finger well

and hell yeah dude, of course!!
thought you’d never ask
who do you wanna do it with?

Lol which finger? This finger? 🖕

And idk I guess I can see if Amber’s still around but I think they moved off to Detroit after all that shit with the cops

U got any hot coworkers?

LOL good one dude!!! but if i have to answer, all your fingers

man, that sucks

but yeah, i know one! just recently hired. smoking ass, big tits, the works bro. i’ll try and hook us up!

U want all my fingers? Like at the same time?

And fuck yeah dude
Call her up 📞 🙌

yeah bc they're really muscular and good-looking, duh

i'll look her number up in our super confidential employees sheet!
won't take a while
trust me dude, you're gonna like her
she's like harcourt but very HARDCORE
HAHA GET IT???

1. Missing something? ;P [An image is posted immediately after of Ranma taking a selfie with the missing 'something' in question, in his hand all while he's giving the camera a stupid grin.]
2. You kept coddling up to me and trying to kiss me every twenty seconds. You were THAT wasted.
3. Relax, it was only a few broken bones. No biggie.
4. I can explain. Maybe. Depends on how pissed you are and what you're pissed about.
5. Having big boobs is great, that's why they're one letter off from boon. :P
6. How're the bruises? They healing all right?
0. [WILD CARD! Crosscanon, assumed CR, misfires, all welcomed and adored here!]

What would you want with my hair rings??

I don't want an explanation.
I WANT MY DEEP DISH PIZZA!!!

( 1 ) No, I actually noticed that social cue. I just don't know what to do with it.

( 2 ) I can fix me. I have to do everything my fucking self around here.

( 3 ) Please text with purpose. We cannot be 'hey hey'ing every day.

( 4 ) Grounding techniques do not work for me. Especially in public. "Five things I can see"? I see a bunch of people pissing me off.

[ OTA!! cross-canon my beloved ]

What about the one where you find things that are different colours?
I've tried the five senses one, but that doesn't help much.
"Name something you hear." Me, losing my lunch.

There was not much opportunity to practice finding colors in the Undercity. "I see brown."

You could name all the SHADES of brown?
Uuuh tan, beige. ... burnt umber?

Oh, Jayce. You would not last a second in the Undercity if they heard you saying 'burnt umber'.

You're probably right, there.
BUT! Did me saying "burnt umber" distract from the anxiety?
If so, then worth the hypothetical pummeling.

[ ... ]

You are ridiculous.

Oh definitely! ☺️
But if your brain is focusing on me being ridiculous, it's harder to panic.

Then it is a wonder I ever panic at all, because you are ALWAYS ridiculous.

Oh shoot, you caught on to my secret plan 😔

Can I ask why we're panicking? You don't have to tell me, but if I can help, I will.

I was not aware that WE were panicking. My apprehension does not need to be a group activity.

All right, all right. What are you specifically apprehensive about.
(I tried to say "apprehending" but that's entirely the wrong word.)

House Shoola has requested a public demonstration from the both of us at their next party in exchange for further funding.

I am not apprehensive. [ He just said he was. ] I was going to say that I fell sick.

... okay now it IS a group activity. But no, this is fine? This is fine!

And you know I'll cover for you, if you don't feel up to going. You can be sick, if you need to be.

I don't see why you should feel apprehensive about it. You are as at home on a stage as you are in a forge.

Yes and no? I'm okay once I get up there, the lights are usually bright enough that I can't actually see anyone.
But I almost always throw up beforehand.

As I said: ridiculous. You worry yourself for no reason. You could walk on stage and do nothing but smile and the crowd would cheer you on.

I'm keeping a tally in my notebook of how many times you've called me "ridiculous" today.

Honestly, I like that even less. That means they don't care about what we have to say.

Ridiculous. [ :-) ]

And of course they don't care. They do not even understand half of what you have to say. An audience of the general public is hardly full of your intellectual equals.

[... that's adorable, and it does get a smile from him]

Four.

OUR intellectual equals. Stop discounting yourself. It's our work, Viktor. Yours and mine. I'm just delivering it.

I know. We are both geniuses, of course. It is not intellect where I am lacking.

I'm not trying to be harsh. I'm just saying that you should give yourself more credit. You deserve it.
This project wouldn't still be going, if it weren't for you.

And it would not have started, if not for you. Are we to compliment each other's brilliance eternally? I think that will cut into our demonstration planning time.

Our? So you're coming to the demonstration?

[ ... ]

Someone will have to hold the bucket for you to throw up in.

Well, I'll be happy to have you there, in whatever capacity you want to be there.
You can make sure I don't say something stupid, like "burnt umber".

I never said stupid. I said ridiculous.

[ "Ridiculous (affectionate)". Very different!! ]

I will stand in the back. We should put our best face first.

Five.

You have a nice face too, you know. When your bitch face is less vigilant.

It is not my face I worry about.

I know.

[As much as he tries to reassure Viktor that it doesn't matter, there aren't many others in The Academy who seem to feel the same.]

I do feel better when you're there, though. Even if you're not up on the stage with me.

Mm, yes. I will say ridiculous things so that you don't panic.

I don't know, can you?
Maybe you're too uptight to be ridiculous.

(Six, indirectly.)

[He's teasing, but Viktor's fun to poke at.]

You would not call me uptight if you knew how many complaints I have fielded from the safety committee.

Like a conversational escape room. The nuance seems to be there just to show off.

You were designed to understand social nuance, were you not?

Sort of. I'm supposed to learn by observation, build a sort of intuition. Means I fail most of the time, the first time.

I think neither of us were designed to like it.

I find it hard to believe that any part of me was intentionally designed.

Regardless, at least you can count on this intuition improving over time. The same cannot always be said for humans.

Does that make you unhappy?

Humans are my limiter. I could only be no more than the sum, socially. That's what I was told.

I feel no way about it. It would be pointless to ruminate on things that cannot change.

Do you feel unhappy about your way of being?

I ruminate on things I cannot change.

And nuance.

I would want to know what it is like to be you.

[ idk sounds like maybe you need a software update ]

If you want to know what it is to be human, philosophers have written myriad books on the subject.

I know. I mean you, specifically.

[ this is why they got rid of furbies. out here saying uncanny shit. ]

[ 😬 ]

It is...

inconvenient.

1. You smell like cigarettes and cheap booze. My favorite.

2. So hiii! It seems like I’ve been kidnapped and am now being held for ransom. Again <3

3. Why did I just wake up in a wedding dress?

4. Feel like playing a fun little game of strip poker?

5. Text her!

because you broke into a wedding shop, yelled you deserved cake and then when I told you wedding cake was for brides, you got drunk and put a wedding dress on.

I have pictures to prove it.

At least I know how to make my dreams come true. That's something to be respected.

Also, why the hell do you have pics..? And where's the cake if this is all true?

I wouldn’t call getting wasted and wanting a wedding cake a ‘dream’.

( then again what did he know about dreams? given he gave up on them long ago. )

because it’s funny and for blackmail. and ein ate the rest, sorry.

i have a list of dreams. that's just one of the many that i plan to make come true, but since you're such an expert.... tell me what your dream is

what? first of all, i put on a wedding dress for that and you let the DOG eat the rest? give me your phone

my dream is for you to no longer be a pain in my butt.

and secondly, no. I'm going to make copies of these photos and show them around to the rest of the crew.

you can make that happen by giving me two trillion woolong <3

do it and see if i ride your face again.

does it really look like I have that kind of woolong on me?

I'm starting to think, after all that, I might be good for once.

( he's never going to let her live this down. )

hey, i just told you what you need to make the dream come true. i'm not your fairy godmother.

what

[ She's going to kill him, but first she's going to come up with a plan to get her hands on his phone. Right now it involves him being naked and tied up. ]

you heard me, watching you get drunk and devour nearly 3/4ths of a wedding cake isn't exactly the biggest turn on.

i didn't even eat the whole thing, but sure. have fun with your hand. hope it cuddles

( moved here )

[AS JINX] a. listen, who are u going to believe? the genius and the greatest engineer who EVER walked on earth, or some fatso schmuck with a peg leg who says i ALLEDGELY smashed his sorry excuse of a camera and used the leftovers for my BETTER creation so now i'm responsible?

[AS AU POWDER] b. ... Word of advice? Never eat potato chips and then drink milk as your beverage of choice. 🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢

[AS JINX] c. dont panic, but there might be an angry mob heading ur way. but dont sweat bullets about it! i've got u covered. 🧨🔥

[AS AU POWDER] d. Someone just asked me out on a date and I don't know how to break it to them gently. Got any tips?

e. (text her // either version is good!)

Is the mob angry at something I did, or something you did?

if i told u, wouldnt it spoil the surprise?

You know I'm not a huge fan of surprises.

mr.silly, u really need to learn how to take a load off and have some fun!

but fiiiiine, its for me.

And what did you do to inspire this angry mob?

drew a monkey butt over their brand new sign.

The one with the Talis boy's face on it?

u know my inspirational muses so well.

It isn't your fault his face is so easily turned into a butt.

Is it an 'angry mob' or a group of enforcers?

woah! ure on fire, pops. careful or we gotta hose u down.

Can't you just tell them to "piss off" and leave it at that?

No! That'll be rude. I said gently, not pummel them to the ground.

Okay, okay! I can do gentle!

~~I think.~~

Well, why not...tell them you're not "feeling" it? Maybe be like, "Oh, the vibes are off."

That's a way, yeah! I'll just tell them the vibe isn't there. I've never been in a situation where I had to turn someone down before. It's weird, haha 😅!

Mind humoring my curiosity for a sec? What was it that made you dislike this unfortunate sod?

Bad breath? Terrible hair? Or maybe they were just dull.

No, it's just... I have a crush on someone else.

01. The postman told me he's off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn't even smile :(

02. Hey sorry I can't make it tonight. I am beset on all sides by foes

03. Not to brag but I'm on hold and my call is important to them

04. I appreciate seagulls. They're not noble but I'll stick up for them. The shore should be a lively place full of thieves

05. Man I just do not know how to act around warm bread

06. [ text him! ]

Quit bragging and bring them with you.

I didn't think it was that kind of party!

I thought you knew.
Any party can be that kind of party with the right attitude.

Is it gonna be a problem if most of them are in pieces?

Edited 2025-05-24 02:40 (UTC)

[ Continued HERE ]

What exactly is the appropriate way to act around warm bread, because I might also have this disorder.

You know, I don't think there's a universally agreed-upon code of conduct, so maybe it's just open season?
I think as long as no one gets hurt and nobody's starving it's every man for himself!

Oh, good. Yeah, okay, we're solid then. Warm bread is worth the enthusiasm. And if people don't understand that, more bread for us.

Right? There are much worse things to be overly enthusiastic about!
Nobody's ever crashed their car because they ate too much bread
Probably

1) We better not still have a duck by the time I get home.

2) well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon

3) There was wine in the oven. I lit it before I noticed.

4) You called my chest compassionate. What does that even mean?

5) text him;

I have several questions. Namely, what kind of wine and why was it there? And who put it there?

And if Lucanis knew.

Also are you hurt?

Edited 2025-05-23 04:30 (UTC)

By the time I noticed, the label was ... well it's not really legible anymore. I'm fine. Grabbed one of the gloves I use for trimming Assan's claws.

I was more afraid it had burst from the heat.

...You don't think it was a wisp, do you?

Wasn't in there long enough after I got the fire started. ... Either that, someone is going to have the worst hangover, or Manfred has some explaining to do.

Good. One less thing to worry about.

None of these are particularly good options. I'll ask Emmrich if he can help teach the wisps not to do that... and 'Fred, too.

[ she'll leave davrin to the hangover person, if they exist. ]

Maybe the oven's enchanted not to burn. Yeah... good plan. If it was Manfred, at least, it probably wasn't anything harmful. Probably just got confused.

I'll check it, but if Solas made the enchantment, Bel might be better able to tell.

True enough. The wisps will be a harder one.

Next question: does Lucanis know? Was he around when it happened?

Solas enchanting an oven. That's really hard to picture, now that I think about it a little more. Ah. Not sure about that one. Didn't see him, but who knows if he's got some kind of... kitchen sixth sense.

Yet he also left wheels of cheese in the music room. Think I've stopped trying to predict his domestic habits.

Knowing him? Yes. He found me out when I made coffee once. He'll probably wander in, Spite will smell something, and they'll track down the offending bottle. I'll help defend your honor.

That was him? I thought that was Taash.

[You know, for Harding.]

Thanks. He should know I wouldn't knowingly set a bottle of wine on fire. ... Key word there being "should".

They might have added to the stash, but Rook opened that room before any of you were here. There was a lot of cheese in there to begin with.

[ she constantly has questions about how solas existed here, but more and more she thinks she doesn't want to know the answers. ]

Well... as long as the two of you aren't at each other's throats anymore, it should be fine, right? I'll try to find out who or what is actually responsible before Lucanis finds the bottle. Spare you some scrutiny.

Maybe... it's a Fereldan thing?

[Solas what the #$%@.]

I'd agree, normally. But... I realized what bottle this is. Recognized the shape of it. It's that fancy red wine. The one that was handed down through the Crows or something like that.

[ at this point, he just gets a shrug emoji. that's it. that's the "text." the wisps will get it to him. ]

Ah. I'll join you as soon as I talk to Emmrich. But at least the bottle and the wine survived. Nothing broke.

[ honestly, life in the lighthouse makes her every day life seem tame. ]

Does wine really survive getting almost boiled?

You're asking me a question about cooking? Or related to.

I thought it was more of an alcohol question.

It's an adjective meaning feeling or showing sympathy and concern for others. Which I maintain is correct.

It's just muscle and skin. A person's chest doesn't have feelings. They do.

In your case a staggering amount of muscle. I am quite convinced that if I put my face against your sternum it would feel like an embrace.

Glad you're already convinced, because it's not happening in reality.

... do you think Lucanis would describe it to me?

Excuse me?

don't be coy warden

It's not "coy" it's "confused".

Are you not sleeping with my cousin?

His name is Henry and he's currently chasing Assan around the courtyard.
Why would you deny your griffin a friend?

You named it?? Because it was in the middle of a blood magic ritual, that's why.

Well it's not in the middle of a ritual anymore, it's perfectly safe and unharmed.
I checked myself.

I'm less worried about it being hurt than I am it being possessed.

Davrin, I'm wounded!
Do you really think I wouldn't notice a possessed duck?

I don't know! Maybe it's different for animals!

Neither myself nor Manfred noticed anything off about the duck. And The Caretaker seems to be fine with him being here.
I think we should be alright.

All right all right...

[The Caretaker is ALSO fine with Spite being around but that feels like picking fights at this point.]

But Assan's probably going to chase it.

You'll have to take that up with Bellara. She was complaining that she didn't have a companion of some kind. You have Assan, Lucanis has Spite, apparently I would be the biggest offender with four mice if it weren't for Neve's dozens of wisps.

(And I suspect the Dairsmuid Iced Tea was involved. I did try to warn her.)

Edited 2025-05-23 12:28 (UTC)

Spite is a demon, not a companion.

[Look, he may be mostly okay with Lucanis by now, but the demon can just @#%$ off.]

Look we found that thing in the middle of a blood magic ritual. It can't be safe.

Emmrich, Bellara, and I all checked it out, love. It is a completely ordinary waterfowl.

(... Although Coran isn't wrong that they can be ornery little things. At least it isn't a goose.)

... Fine. All right. As long as it's not anything weird. And not a goose.

[There's a bit of a pause before this next text.]

Bellara has hugged me and thanked us both profusely with a fount of tears. She is now safely passed out on her cot.

... Maybe call Emmerich to check on her, if she's that out of it?

Already on it, love. (And we'll make a note to keep her away from the Dairsmuid Iced Teas. Those are deceptively strong.)

Strong as in... Lucanis' coffee strong or liquor strong?

[She'll just... send him the recipe. Rivain doesn't mess around with drinks.]

Ah. Got it. That kind of drink.

You know! It's— big! And warm!

[UGH, she is so over having to clean up Drunk Lace's mistakes...]

It's... big.

[How do you convey that much skepticism across two words. Maybe he has magic after all.]

[She's definitely dragging a hand down her face before responding.]

You know, you think compassion, you figure compassionate people have a big heart. So... big chest to hold it?

[Are you buying this at all, Davrin.]

I'm still not seeing 'big chest' as a good thing here, Harding...

[Is he doing this on purpose now? He might be.]

[He is actively trying to kill her, isn't he.]

Oh, come on! There are way worse things! It just means all that training has paid off!

[END HER]

[Maybe.]

You've been paying attention to my training?

[By the Maker...]

Of course! What I mean is, we're all trying to stay in top shape, aren't we? A weapon is only as effective as the person wielding it.

Well, yeah. But it's one thing to know we're all training. And another to pay attention.

Well, it's hard not to notice. Assan always has plenty to say while you're doing it. Besides, you're not the only one here with military experience! I just know how to appreciate good form.

[Yup.]

You appreciate good forms often, Harding?

[He can't see it, but she huffs, blowing her bangs away from her forehead.]

You're really enjoying this, aren't you?

I don't see you get flustered very often. Can you blame me?

This isn't flustered!

[She absolutely is.]

You're just asking all kinds of questions I don't have the answers to.

You sure? What kind of questions should I be asking?

I don't know, aren't these kind of personal?

[They're really not.]

You know what you look like.

I didn't think so. Are they?

[THIS MAN.]

I might've forgotten. With all the eluvians around, I don't know how to feel about mirrors anymore.

[THIS MAN...]

You definitely do! UGH.

[Yes, she typed ugh.]

Am I ever going to live this down?

You will. Don't worry. With this crew? It's only a matter of time before someone one-ups you.

Heh. If nothing else, guess I can count on that. Someone will outdo me sooner or later.

It's probably sooner. No, not probably. It's going to be "sooner".

sometimes sharp when cold

What? How does that work?

1. I think I accidentally broke into someone's home, please prepare some bail money or at least plan a speedy rescue if the cops catch up to me.

2. I'm playing a game called Red Flags and I swear it was made about my love life. I should get some kind of acknowledgment on the box.

3. Your new job is to text me every day at about 1pm and make sure that I've eaten.

4. I'm sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers.

5. If you have to specify that I need to put pants on, then I think it should be obvious that I'm not going.

6. [Text her! Misfires welcome!]

How does one 'accidentally' do that??

Crappy directions, dark streets, and the fact that everyone in the suburbs hides their extra key in the same place?

So wait...you just unlocked a house and walked in???

Yes. Literally an accident!

Where were you supposed to go??

My friend's house. She probably lives the next block over or something but all these houses look the same and people really need more unique hiding places for their keys!! 🤬

You didn't set off an alarm or something did you??

[ooc: Continued here!]

Oof, been there, done that. Hate when that happens.

[does it count as accidental if you meant to break into someone else's house?]

I can do speedy rescue, no prob. Where are you?

[That's pretty much the exact opposite of accidental, Ranma.

For now, though, she sends him her pinned location as she ducks behind a trashcan.]

I made it out to the yard, but I just noticed a doghouse across the way. If Fido's home, I'm kind of screwed.

Can do. About how much money do you need me to bring, and do you need me to help construct a cover story?

I literally have no idea how much bail would be for this kind of thing. But if you can say I was with you tonight, that'd be awesome.

That shouldn't be a problem. I can say I was with you tonight. On my way.

[ooc: Continued here!]

I can definitely do that. I mean If you're serious. You're serious, right?

Super serious.
I'm trusting you on this, okay?
Don't let me starve to death.
If I end up losing weight because you didn't do your job, you owe me one of everything off the Taco Bell menu.

I won't let you down, promise. These seem like totally fair terms. I accept them.

Excellent.
Though now I kind of want Taco Bell anyway.
I'll consider this my unofficial reminder to go eat.
Do you want me to bring you a chalupa or something?

Make it a Nachos Bellgrande and I'll pay you back.

[ooc: Continued here!]

I will. And I'm proud of you for recognizing that you need that.

But also deeply worried you need that.

[ooc: Continued here!]

1. I might believe in peace, but my brother won’t when he hears about what you did.

2. Why is there a blood stained shirt in my living room..?

3. I’ve had about six coffees at this point. I promise I’m fine. You can start worrying when I request the caffeine IV.

4. Please tell me I’m imagining things and those were not gunshots I heard outside my office.

5. ( Feel free to text her anything! )

he likes me more than he lets on.

Just...please refrain from testing him. I can only do so much.

it's far too easy to test him inadvertently.

...and how do you plan on doing that?

by being myself.

you're imagining things

[ : ) ]

Now tell me the truth and if you'll be escorting me out before I can get all these documents signed.

[ omggg LMAO :D! ]

you're vibrating....

Just a little... You wouldn't believe how much work I've finished. In fact, I might if I keep this up then I might be done by Tuesday!

please, think of your heart at least! it's probably vibrating too

tfln

pamela isley | dc comics

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yelena belova | mcu

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shin | sakamoto days

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Lilith Morningstar || Hazbin Hotel

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jessica jones | mcu

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5

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hugo vlad | zenless zone zero

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Garrus Vakarian | Mass Effect | OTA