shocksock (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
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bakerstreet2017-07-14 12:01 pm
shocksock) wrote in bakerstreet2017-07-14 12:01 pm
Entry tags:
1. I just projectile vomited in a church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
2. If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
3. He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
4. How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
5. Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
6. I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
7. TEXT HER!
2. If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
3. He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
4. How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
5. Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
6. I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
7. TEXT HER!
Correct me if I'm wrong, but ain't he the whole "accept you, sins and all" type? Isn't that carte blanche to be as big a fuck up as you want to be?
1. you were so drunk you slurred your pauses.
2. remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
3. went to my bottom drawer for my stash, gone just a note says thanks sucker love JP.
4. is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
5. Or text him!
2. remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
3. went to my bottom drawer for my stash, gone just a note says thanks sucker love JP.
4. is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
5. Or text him!
I'm not sure why you need a reminder or why you'd mix alcohols like that in the first place, man.
1. I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out. Apparently they don't take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
2. I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin.
3. Text her.
2. I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin.
3. Text her.
01. Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
02. I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a car.
03. I wanted to write an apology letter to my ass after that.
04. I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
02. I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a car.
03. I wanted to write an apology letter to my ass after that.
04. I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Edited (lol oops) 2017-07-14 20:13 (UTC)
a If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
b How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
c did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
b How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
c did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
1. I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good the sex may be, it will not turn me into one.
2. How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept.
3. If you don't want me in your apartment, then lock your door better.
4. apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling.
5. or text her
2. How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept.
3. If you don't want me in your apartment, then lock your door better.
4. apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling.
5. or text her
a Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker- dad
b I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
c I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
b I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
c I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
1. Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man.
2. it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
3. I am too drunk to make real decisions. Someone ate pop rocks on my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
4. In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
5. WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
6. I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
7. TEXT HER!
2. it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
3. I am too drunk to make real decisions. Someone ate pop rocks on my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
4. In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
5. WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
6. I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
7. TEXT HER!
The flower sounds beautiful and elfin, and please tell me that my relatives from Innsmouth had nothing to do with the presence of the lobster?
1.) You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
2.) Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk.
3.) If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
4.) We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself.
2.) Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk.
3.) If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
4.) We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself.
a. I apologize for not being able to bail you out. They would not take a credit card over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail last night?
b. I am not in the mood for this joke. Please unlock the front door before I am forced to create my own way in.
c. Are you still maintaining that you did not mean to punch me last night? I am curious if being sober has made you more or less honest.
d. Text him!
b. I am not in the mood for this joke. Please unlock the front door before I am forced to create my own way in.
c. Are you still maintaining that you did not mean to punch me last night? I am curious if being sober has made you more or less honest.
d. Text him!
you know what, since you're being such a drama queen about it, I retract my previous statement. I'm glad I punched you.
Edited 2017-07-14 21:23 (UTC)
'kay so - court-mandated therapist, rust doesn't Know yet?
itrhymes
- 2017-07-15 00:12 (UTC) - ExpandYou were right. I appreciate how flippant they both are about her not-infrequent jailings
nepharious
- 2017-07-15 00:46 (UTC) - Expand1.) I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me...
2.) Everything was going well until Ebumi threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
3 .) You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
4.) I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm...
2.) Everything was going well until Ebumi threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
3 .) You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
4.) I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm...
1.) I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
2.) Food network will be on but we won't be watching ;)
3.) It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked you in the face. Sorry.
4.) All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked. Is that to much to ask for?
2.) Food network will be on but we won't be watching ;)
3.) It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked you in the face. Sorry.
4.) All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked. Is that to much to ask for?
Edited 2017-07-14 19:09 (UTC)
1. Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
2. You need to stop showing people the things I drunk-text to you... I have a reputation to uphold here.
3. Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
4. I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
2. You need to stop showing people the things I drunk-text to you... I have a reputation to uphold here.
3. Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
4. I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Just 90% of the time? Blasty, I gotta say I'm shocked! I thought it'd be at least a 1 in front of that number!
001. I'm running an operation here, can you try to be a trainwreck in your own free time?
002. I shouldn't have to explain why the expiry of my third platinum card is a national tragedy.
003. On average, I support about 83.67% of your terrible life choices.
002. I shouldn't have to explain why the expiry of my third platinum card is a national tragedy.
003. On average, I support about 83.67% of your terrible life choices.
Edited 2017-07-14 19:15 (UTC)
Funny, I think you're about 98 percent of my bad choices.
1. Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
2. I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
3. Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
4. I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
5. Text him!
2. I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
3. Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
4. I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
5. Text him!
Huh. That's a pretty SHOCKING revelation. Eh? Eeeeeeeeeeeeeh?
i. I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
ii. You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot grounder men
iii. Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
iv. I smell like heartbreak. Tequila and sloppy rebound sex.
v. text her!!
ii. You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot grounder men
iii. Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
iv. I smell like heartbreak. Tequila and sloppy rebound sex.
v. text her!!
1: Skinny dipping and sex on the beach were two separate goals, but this was more efficient.
2: Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
3: Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
4: I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
5: [Text her!]
2: Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
3: Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
4: I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
5: [Text her!]
Have you tried returning her books, miss black-white?
1. I just bought a her a lipstick taser. So keep that in mind next time you wanna get smart with her.
2. Hey! You! I am ADORABLE! Feckin ADORABLE!
3. Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden you're the loud girl.
4. Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
5. It's an experiment. I give them candy when they see me, and now they smile at me because they expect candy.
6. Text her!
2. Hey! You! I am ADORABLE! Feckin ADORABLE!
3. Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden you're the loud girl.
4. Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
5. It's an experiment. I give them candy when they see me, and now they smile at me because they expect candy.
6. Text her!
1. what is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
2. so... you threw a sword at me last night
3. we had sex in the woods. it was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
4. walk of shame. i'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. my tail keeps dragging in the rain.
5. dude, why the fuck was i face down on the floor with you mounting me like a chocobo anyway? i'm so confused
6. the fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
2. so... you threw a sword at me last night
3. we had sex in the woods. it was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
4. walk of shame. i'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. my tail keeps dragging in the rain.
5. dude, why the fuck was i face down on the floor with you mounting me like a chocobo anyway? i'm so confused
6. the fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
1: Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
2: You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
3: Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
4: so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
5: [Text her!]
2: You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
3: Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
4: so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
5: [Text her!]
1: Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
2: I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
3: Can't talk. Ducks on the bridge.
4: You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
5: [Text her]
2: I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
3: Can't talk. Ducks on the bridge.
4: You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
5: [Text her]
1. I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
2. I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
3. I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
4. I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
5. Your choice!
2. I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
3. I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
4. I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
5. Your choice!
1. ABORT.
2. Bike broken. Reschedule party.
3. :(
4. (text him!)
2. Bike broken. Reschedule party.
3. :(
4. (text him!)
Is that a 'we've run out of beer' abort, a 'she has a girlfriend' abort, or a 'we're gonna die' abort?
1: Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
2: I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
3: just so you know ... i wasn't hitting on you. that was my evil, uglier twin. he comes around sometimes.
4: I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
5: [Text him!]
2: I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
3: just so you know ... i wasn't hitting on you. that was my evil, uglier twin. he comes around sometimes.
4: I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
5: [Text him!]
(reply from suspended user)
(reply from suspended user)
(reply from suspended user)
(reply from suspended user)
(reply from suspended user)
1: I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
2: was i holding a cat when you saw me? because that was the height of that party for me
3: Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
4: Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
5: [Text her!]
2: was i holding a cat when you saw me? because that was the height of that party for me
3: Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
4: Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
5: [Text her!]
That does sound like a nice dream. Mine are a little more basic.
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