bakerstreet

a. You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
b. After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
c. This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
d. You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil

or choose your own.

you make it sound like 1) that's a bad thing,
and 2) it's not normal

you tried to give me a lapdance and slipped.
i was more worried about you breaking your head than feeling the 'rampant sexual energy'.

i knew you only liked me for my face

you're no good to me as a vegetable, lynch.

what am i good to you as

( THIS IS THE LAST ONE. )

You did not do it, correct?

of course not. i had to get to class.

[ Because that is the only reason he wouldn't stab a person. ]

[ I have you here if you'd like to continue without captcha. ]

1. I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then I proceeded to put his hands on my face.

2. We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".

3. I forgot wine drunk hurts.

4. Text the idiot

I don't think that's how moisturizer works.

[Oh JJ. JJ, honey, you are entirely missing the point.]

You are ADORABLE!

[he is a young, wholesome canadian. he didn't know there was a point!]

Thank you!
But if you need moisturizer I can let you have some of mine.

Careful or I may actually take you up on that~

[If only to make Yurio's head explode...]

[why should he be careful? how funny!]

Then I'll make sure to carry extra with me, just in case. Smooth, healthy skin is important.

Yes. Very, very important!

[Oh God this kid really doesn't speak innuendo does he. He's being honest.

But pirates are stupid! Holy shit, how fucking drunk was I?! Did anyone take video? I'll kill em!

Are they???

But you knew all the words to the pirate song! It was very motivating!

And because he's Yuuri I imagine the next part went like this:

"G-Gah! Vikutoru, we're not even married yet!"

Edited 2017-07-15 02:48 (UTC)

Ah, you know us too well, Phichit!

Public caressing, it's such a scandal!

[*COUGH COUGH* Uh huh *COUGH*]

So scandalous. Way worse than the time he was grinding on you and begging you to coach him with his tie around his head.

Oh definitely worse. The paparazzi will be all over it! How will we live with the shame???

Cleaely the only solution is to change our names and flee skating!

As if you could ever flee skating! That would be too sad! ｡ﾟ(ﾟ´(00)`ﾟ)ﾟ｡

You're right!

We can't let the whole world down! b （　･`ω･´)

Plus all of your passion and hard work and the damage done to your feet and ankles! The world needs you both to skate as long as possible. Especially Yuuri because he has so much left to do!

1. So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.

2. ...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.

3. I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. Surprised, and somewhat proud.

4. He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex

5. Text her!

Huh. I had no idea any of our female classmates were musically inclined.

Edited 2017-07-14 20:07 (UTC)

it's super adorable oh my gosh i can't handle this

So who is it that's so adorable,
hm?

I don't know if I can betray their confidence like that!

... A-ah. I suppose that makes sense.

[But but but... Ochako...! Gossip!]

proud of the reason I got pepper sprayed or proud of the reason I got a face full of it?

Edited 2017-07-14 21:51 (UTC)

Proud it's only the first time!

oh good. Because being mistaken for a robber is rather embarrassing.

Also the fact that it was a ninety-year-old. She had really fast reflexes.

Maybe that's her quirk! :P

That was my thought too.

In any case, I'll be taking a different route when I visit home.

So he did it legit huh?

My knees are weak.

It WAS pretty good then huh?

(reply from suspended user)

a. You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
b. i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
c. Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
d. I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.

or choose your own / book canon also available

people forget how to use google when drunk?

when it's a bunch of shadowhunters who think every argument should end in a fist fight, then yeah.

i can't believe i thought it was a good idea introducing them to board games.

You need better friends, Clary

well next time you can come to scrabble night.

Will that put my life in danger?

i'm pretty sure there's a 'no punching the mundane' rule written down somewhere.
just avoid talking to jace and you'll be fine.
you can sit by me.

[ Because that would clearly curb Jace's irritation, right? ]

is sitting by you going to make Jace want to punch me more?
You know I'd rather just go somewhere with you. I mean, just the two of us.

[ For emphasis - to himself - he starts playing the song. The Bill Withers' version, of course. ]

( eff captcha

A) Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?

B) Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in.

C) You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule

D) Text him!

No, why?

[Does his phone even take pictures? He just doesn't know.]

Nevermind. You're being taken off the list of people that need to remember why I should not be crossed.

Helps that I never forgot it, doesn't it?
So what happened?

Yes

Delete it.

[ over here to evade captcha!! ]

That doesn't sound particularly sanitary somehow.

Why not? Toothbrushes clean things, they're clean.
Vodka is a disinfectant.

[ continued over here ]

1. pretty sure that i just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong

totally unrelated we just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks

2. i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in

winning at life

3. you're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot colombian men

4. you need to stop showing people the things i drunk text to you

i have a reputation to uphold here

5. why is there a whip in the kitchen

6. (idk text him)

Edited 2017-07-14 17:09 (UTC)

showing these your texts around are the only way you are keeping said reputation

Edited (words??) 2017-07-14 18:08 (UTC)

ouch dude thats unnecessarily harsh

also makes me think i may need to step up my game

I'm just trying to help, your reputation seems to matter to you
If stepping up your game leads you to getting arrested at any point, you only have yourself to blame

well yeah for a guy in my position

i mean i wont say reputation is everything but it sure makes some things easier

anyway i dont plan on getting arrested

nobody ever plans on getting arrested
that doesn't mean it doesn't happen

well yeah obviously

but ive done a pretty good job of avoiding being arrested so far

do you think it's thanks to your fancy costume?

more like my ability to run and shoot at the same time tbh

Harley stopped by. I hope that's enough of an explanation.

[Unlikely friends, Dr. Harleen Quinzel and Barbara Gordon. Pity about the doctor's favorite patient.]

not really

details please

She said she borrowed it from a friend. Fell out of her purse and then she chose to leave it here. Something about a kinky librarian, seh said

im suddenly feeling this strange urge to go find her and punch her face in

oh please don't, she didn't mean any harm by it

you know she was talking about you right

Because I needed two hands for my sandwich, obviously. Also you're out of

well basically anything that looked like food so

well yeah when do i ever have time to cook

i keep a busy schedule you know

1. Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care

2. Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?

3. Can't talk. Ducks in the lion.

4. Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good day!

5. Text her!

WHAT???

there are ducks IN MY VEHICLE

Edited 2017-07-14 17:15 (UTC)

WHAAAAAAAAAT????!!!!!!!?

CUTE!!!!!

(^♡^)*:･ﾟ✧

it's less cute when they're making it so shiro ALMOST DRIVES OFF THE ROAD

Edited 2017-07-14 17:19 (UTC)

[Please can it have this mural]

Okay

But

HOW did ducks even GET IN THERE???

[Oh my god]

I don't knowwwwwwww

sorry texting with 1 hand while i hold a duck

PICTURES!

[Minami clearly has his priorities in order okay?!

Also he is jealous, he wants to hold a duck!!!]

NOT RIGHT NOW MINAMI omg

[FINE.

He waits patiently. So, so patiently, like AN ENTIRE HALF HOUR!!!]

What about now??????

hunk made that cake

it was worth it

Totally worth it but don't let me fall asleep on the kitchen table again

you looked comfortable

i didnt want to move you

tbf i hadn't slept in like 30 hours so it was probably a good idea

you really need to stop doing that

i need to work on my projects keith >:|

you need to make sure you get enough rest so you can actually function like a human being pidge X(

until the singularity comes and i can upload my brain into a perfect robot body i'm gonna keep doing what needs doing.

[ ... ]

a robot body

<font face="Courier>let me dream, keith you have being a purple cat alien, i have wanting to be a robot

right

because i totally wanted to be a purple cat alien

IM NOT A PURPLE CAT

let your inner purple cat alien be free, keith. embrace your heritage!

omg pidge

stop

im not purple and im not a damn cat

I'm glad that you're comfortable enough to be Katie with us but I'm not sure I needed to know this.

i couldn't find it and i was about to ask if i left it in the mess hall but then i found it so i thought i'd update u

idk how it ended up ion the fridge tho i must have gotten distracted while i was codingor something

Edited 2017-07-14 17:22 (UTC)

thanks, I guess?

What is codingor?

*coding or something sorry that ran together

look it was an important update on the whereabouts of my underwear

Ah I see

You lost your underwear too? What did you do while I was gone?

Do I even want to know?

no see i had my laptop in one hand bc i was coding and i was doing laundry but i needed something to drink and i had to put something down to pick up the drink and it wasn't gonna be the laptop

That is an acceptable excuse.

I was worried I would need to separate you from the boys.

why would you need to separate us?

No reason.

i'm not STUPID shiro

why would you need to separate us? the people deserve to know

Because I misunderstood and thought you were underwear-less? Around teenage boys?

[Oh she is going to eat him alive...]

[ Cracks knuckles. Oh, Shiro. ]

okay like 1st of all i'm like the gayest teenage lesbian you could ever hope to meet

2nd of all i doubt they'd even notice if i was wearing a bra or not bc my clothes are baggy and my chest is just small as heck

I sort of forgot.

I'm sorry Pidge. I guess after listening to Matt talk about you so much I feel like you're my kid sister too.

i mean it's kinda nice to know that you're looking out for me, i guess.

i just don't think that's a big deal with these guys. you're all more like my family than anything else.

I know. It was mostly a joke, but I guess it backfired, huh?

why the heck was your bra in the fridge? I mean

idk sometimes when it was super hot back home I'd toss my jeans in the freezer for a little while but the temperature here is pretty normal

so it clearly wasn't because of temperature relief

i think i was doing laundry and coding and getting a drink at the same time and my hands were full so i had to like, put the bra in the fridge in order to get the drink

my inventory was full okay?

Edited 2017-07-14 17:29 (UTC)

wtg noob, can't even inventory management correctly

are you even physically capable of putting down your laptop for like more than two seconds at a time

lance

lance if i put down the laptop i will start to lose my connection to this mortal plane and transcend your petty concepts such as space and time and you need me here

Edited 2017-07-14 17:33 (UTC)

sometimes you make me wonder if you're an actual real human being

or just a robot pretending to be a munchkin

as long as i keep u guessing i'm happy

u foolish mortal

do we have to give you the turing test or whatever

joke's on you i would pass easily beep boop

I don't know whether I should be scared or not

fear me human!!

can a robot even pilot a lion?

i dunno you tell me i can't reveal my true nature or i'll have to erase ur memory

you can't do that! I'm not a robot, you can't just reformat me!

how do u know ur NOT a robot tho???

because!! I'm just not! I've got baby pictures of me and everything! I was an adorable baby!

it could be a conspiracy to make you think ur not a robot tho

Yup. That sure was a thing that happened.

it was good cake to be fair

It was amazing cake, and one day I hope I can make cake that good.

But for now, we'll have to just talk about cake.

I don't even want to talk about it anymore it just makes me remember I can't have anymore because it's all gone

Good point.

We'll have to have Hunk make us another one.

if we can find more ingredients that aren't space goo. UGH...

I am getting so tired of space goo.

I think I need to gather edible plants for Hunk next time we're on a planet with plants.

or find another space mall to get some ingredients or something

Yeah.

I wish there was a Travelers' Guide to the Universe or something.

whaaat? not fair! the weiss never has ducks

no one likes a braggart!!!

Excellen they are all over the control board and i am trying not to crash

this is not something to be jealous over

that's so cute!!! \(-3-)/

keep your cool and don't quack under pressure~

just for that pun ur sleeping on the floor tonight

WHAT!!! i didn't mean to ruffle my pidgey's feathers!

too late i already made up my mind

i'm sorry, but you need to stop hanging out with those duckies

they're making your mood fowl

a. I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
b. STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
c. My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
d. Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.

or choose your own.

1. I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it

2. You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.

3. Had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.

4. TEXT HIM

tmi, asshole

A) Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?

B) Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon

C) My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going

D) Text him!

1. I would seriously like to slash his tires, but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
2. Almost ran you over at the Mayhem Party. You look good.
3. Text her.

it was a nice car, I am not mad about it

01. I swear to the Norns if this turns out to be an intervention, I will set you on fire.

02. Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.

03. If you don't want me in your apartment, then lock your door better.

04. No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker before. What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?

The better question is, how do you know where I live?

Magic.

[Literally magic.]

[...of course.]

Whatever game you want to play, I don't want a part in it.

Just stay out of my home.

Now who said anything about games? Perhaps I'm just making a social call.

A social call? Really? Do you think I'm going to believe that?

Call it a vested interest in the company my brother keeps, these days.

Edited 2017-07-14 20:25 (UTC)

I'm not around your brother that often.

Try again.

Must it always be fire?

I've found it very effective in making my point.

Ah yes, because with that silver tongue of yours, fire is clearly the best answer.

Drastic times call for drastic measures, brother.

And here I thought you enjoyed stabbing me more than lighting me on fire.

If you're so interested, I'm sure I could arrange both.

When did you decide to be so generous, brother? I'll have to pass on both accounts.

But I wouldn't mind seeing you. It's been a long time. Too long.

(reply from suspended user)

[...]

I am of Asgard. We tend to be difficult to kill.

(reply from suspended user)

A) I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night

B) He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.

C) You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"

D) Text him!

1. If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.

2. my mouth tastes like poor choices

3. this lesbian crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire class staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"

4. My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.

5. I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN BITCH. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN BITCH.

6. Text her!

Edited 2017-07-14 17:14 (UTC)

Well

uh

Just keep trying Amanda?

ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I have it so bad for this girl and she just wants to be friends. What the hell is with that, Akko?

I can't really say. I've never had a crush on someone.

... Except for Diana.

And maybe Chariot.

I can kind of understand Diana. She's definitely hot, but that personality. Egh. But I mean you like what you like, I guess. Are you gonna ask her out?

You should.

HEY I THOUGHT THIS WAS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE

Don't get angry at ME, you're the one who brought up Diana!

I was speaking towards personal experience!

Diana is married to her schoolwork anyway!

Yeah and maybe if someone pulled her attention away from her schoolwork, she'd be less insufferable! You have to do it for the rest of us, Akko!

... Let me get this straight. You want me to date Diana so she gives the rest of you a hard time?

All I'm saying is that if she's dating you, maybe she'll loosen up a little and stop being such an ice cold bitch.

She hasn't really acted like that since she came back from her family's home, though...

Huh, really? Maybe I just hadn't noticed.

You should still go for it if you're into her, though. You two would be cute.

Maybe it's just me then.

But wasn't this about you at first?

I GUESS.

I just don't know what to do this is like... She's so cool. What do I do? I don't wanna be in the friend zone. That's the worst zone.

Well, you've just got to respect their feelings. You can't make someone like you, Amanda.

Unless you have a cupid bee or something.

Of course that all depends if you've asked them I guess.

Edited 2017-07-14 22:38 (UTC)

She said I was "such a great friend" and that I'm "like a sister" so I think my chances are shot.

I guess you're out of luck then.

Who is it anyway?

I don't think god could come up with anything if he tried.

Nothing will ever be better.

So what you're saying is you just go some?

I mean I could be coy about it, but yeah. Girl got some.

Being coy is too much effort.

a. There is a strobe light in my taxi. In what way is this safe?
b. You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
c. I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
d. I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.

or choose your own. canon era available

It sounds fun! As long as it's not affecting the driver's vision.

i think it's meant more as a guarantee whoever is in his cab gets a splitting headache.
he is also playing music that must be beyond the normal human hearing range.

Some people probably enjoy that.

Did you ask him to turn it off?

i did.
he didn't hear me.

Well, that's not safe. You should report him.

In the mean time.... enjoy the strobes?

i'm already sending a strongly worded email to his company.
though, in the off chance i do not make it, i would ask that you do not to allow courfeyrac access to my bedroom.

I promise.

Though you're probably not going to die from loud music and strobe lights.

no it's the being so distracted we crash that i'm worried about.

Ah.

I probably shouldn't be suggesting this, but is there any way you could get out at a red light?

i probably shouldn't be entertaining the thought.
i'm sure he's harmless, but this is not how you treat an automobile.

I've heard of a party bus, at least, but never a party cab.

Not about the fact that I woke up with only one sock on, yet both shoes still on my feet.

ah.
the sock had greatly offended you.
you demanded we toss it from the balcony.

I remember now. It kept hitting my little toe weird

i mimed throwing it.
it's in the laundry hamper just in case you did not wish to part the pair.

I love you, my darlingest. These socks are cute

Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.

i have no idea how to respond to that.
who are the 'big dogs'?

those who party hard. my way explaining how I lost my shirt

where are you?
do you need me to bring you a new one?

Party somewhere Parnasse took me.

Still got a bra. I'm just telling you

[Or she's drunk and Montparnasse is ignoring her, and texting Enjolras is more fun than watching him make out with another girl]

i thought you had sworn off strip poker from the last time.

I'm so good at poker, though. Needed the cash.

I can. Offer also includes a "what happened?"

i think if i knew that, then i would know where i was.
did you see me last night?

My sister was home alone. Had to leave early. Did not think I would be needed. How are you feeling?

not unwell.
and i still have all of my clothes - sans boots - so i'm not too troubled.

Good. I can judge you guilt-free, for getting me to bring you shoes like a dog. If you're sure you're fine.

How did you know it was rum?

i made an educated guess.
you kept calling me 'captain' and talking to courfeyrac about 'booty'.

1 - found my wallet. it was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". drunk me is an ass.

2 - i need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore

3 - we tried the hang-n-bang, remember? you ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me.

4 - [text him! cross-canon/medium and misfires are go! ヾ(｡･ω･)ｼ]

sad?

abt the hair and also the failure

fix
how

not sure this one is a straight up matter of fix, cass

- i said i love cheetos, robin! pay attention.
- i admit there was some ugly crying, but that's cuz cheetos are perfect and awesome. i was having a religious experience, okay?
(long pause between texts)

- so is that a no on the whole hang-n-bang?

idk about a hard no, but I can definitively say that "cheetos" just entered the official turn-offs list

- awwww but it's cheetos! how can you resist?
- so the 'not a hard no' is 'a definite maybe'. got it

Leg hair is not conducive to aerodynamics

no but idk if this level of smoothness is worth the wax
might just stay out of the air for a while

...Out...of the air? I don't understand

you know like the place that I'd need to be aerodynamic? like maybe I should get grounded
Keep it on the downlow
if I can't even get a joke off the ground maybe it's better if I take a break

I just meant I don't understand why you would want to stay on the ground. Maybe you SHOULD take a break little bird

starting to feel pretty sure about that

i guess that makes me open for activity suggestions. how do you stay sane taking a break?

So is sober you, you don't see the rest of us bellyaching about it.

[ Citation needed. ]

that's literally bellyaching
you're doing it right now
arguably it's your MO

[yeah still an ass sober]

[ He's not wrong. ]

It's a niche. We can't all be the stoic suffer-in-silence type.

no some of us end up the unending bitching type
shouldn't you be as hungover as I am, why haven't you been whining about that

Something more pressing came up.

[ (Calling Tim an ass, mostly.) ]

I had to reprioritize. Don't say I never did anything for you.

damn you're right, what I meant to say was how do I ever repay you for your kindness and restraint, I have my wallet again and everything

I also take payment in owed favors and decommissioned batmobiles. You can pick, I'm feeling generous.

you know there's no such thing as a decom batmobile, they never fail

this seems like a stacked deck

Maybe not lately.

[He definitely came within a button's press of blowing one sky-high with Batman in it. Nothing and no one is infallible. But, y'know, maybe he's angling a little for the favor, because giving Tim shit is easier than asking for actual help like a reasonable person. Theoretically—]

I might need a new computer setup soon, and that seems like a lot of long, boring busywork for one person. Can't blame me for hedging my bets.

[dont jump on it, don't be a dork] Setting up a computer is definitely a favor plus, but what's your timeline like?

Lets say I'm close enough to tap into the GCPD's database as a stopgap, but I'd like to be independent ASAP.

["Close enough," being...directly underneath the precinct. Mooching case files and radio chatter only goes so far, though. And he's sure not going to ask Bruce for Batcomputer access.]

If you're not going to be in Gotham any time soon, I'll deal with it.

[Dork or not, Tim would do a better job, they both know that. But Jason's managed worse situations with less resources.]

deal with it sounds dire, j, are you in the process of being Hacked as we speak

Capital H hacked very presently, wouldn't you know it

must have been all those shifty torrents

hope you weren't attached to that secret ID of yours, I made sure that one gets leaked first.

You said you wanted to test your skills, if I recall.

hiding skills or finding skills? not sure where this falls on the grading rubric for either

thanks for letting me dunk myself on that one btw

Not sure. You were very adamant that it was "skillz" with a z though.

You can blame Alfred for that. He thought it would be wise to let you "do your own thing".

versus your plan to....?

Put your wallet someplace secure.

[ but what does secure mean, bruce ]

vs your plan to steal and ALSO hide my wallet
Sure I mean

I don't know what I expected

You were right, it would be good practice.

somehow I imagine the note might have been less chipper

are you going to tell me where you would have stashed it? or are you keeping it DL to use that on the runt when the time comes?

I'm not telling you where I would have put it, no.

[ which means the second answer obviously but he's not typing "DL" or he'll die ]

i just wonder if it's the same place i told him to stash the booze once he can swing a fake id

No. You are welcome to guess. Perhaps I'll leave something else there for you to find.

[it's been ages since he had anything he wanted to hide from Bruce actually IN the house, so this seems an awful lot like a trap...or a bluff. He's not interested in getting caught in either.

[Of course, the idea that Bruce snooped him out burns him up too.]

you're bullshitting me

Am I?

[ :) ]

you are and i'm already omw out of town anyway

[lies, his bags are packed, but right now he's on his way to the third floor to just make sure everything is as it should be]

See you when you come back then, Tim.

[ It is definitely not as it should be!! :'D There is definitely a note from Bruce. It just says "Try again". ]

A) On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"

B) I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.

C) I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer

D) Text him!

Huh. That's a good idea, I should do the same.

Thanks, Keller!

are we talking actual dicks or figurative dicks?

Both. Definitely both.

I feel like I should be jealous.

You're too aloof to be jealous.

maybe.

or maybe that's just what I want you to think.

Oh yeah? Colour me surprised and interested.

interested is a good color on you.

I would tell you that jealousy looks really good on you but it'd make me sound conceited.

there's lots of words I can think of to describe you, but conceited's not one of them.

How about you tell me a couple of them?

preppy [ walked right into that one ] alright alright how about...

kissable. but you already knew that.

gorgeous

I would say keep them coming but I'm already feeling very happy with myself right now.

good.

could add intriguing to that list.

Wait why intriguing? I'll tell you anything you wanna know :P

i know. but to be honest you kinda blow my mind.

i wanna know everything i can about you.

01: I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"

02: I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, hellhounds, and McDonald's.

03: i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way. never drink and shadow travel

04: After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.

05: [ text him? ]

Edited 2017-07-14 17:11 (UTC)

a. Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
b. Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
c. I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
d. Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you.

or choose your own.

A) I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.

B) there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?

C) Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.

D) Text him!

first of all
wtf tmi
second
wrong number
third
why do u even have my number

How do you know it was the wrong number?

[Theo if you're trying to save face this is not the way to go about it.]

bc i wouldn't go near u with a ten foot pole nvm a precious part of my anatomy

Really? Cause you'd be lucky if I actually thought of you that way. [Give up, dumbass, there's no clawing your way back to being cool after this.]

dude
ur just digging urself into a deeper hole
just say u sent it to the wrong number and i'll forget it this time even if i guess i'm kind of weirdly flattered and creeped out at the same time

Fine I sent it to the wrong number.
Don't be flattered.

font face="courier">yeah ok
ur not my type anyway

And there I thought anyone who looked at you for more than a minute was your type.

a. Is this something I am going to want to hug you or slap you for?
b. Sorry I could not bail you out apparently they do not take credit card over the phone did you at least make new friend in jail?
c. All the doctor said was why
d. Did I see you at the bar last night?
e. [text her!]

no

[Yes.]

Are you sure
You have good twin in city then

[ she's sceptical. real sceptical. ]

maybe tony was testing out some new hologram tech

[ there's no way he's getting out of this. can she read minds via text? ]

[ luckily for him, no but he's a shit liar. even in text. ]

That is lie you are going with
Hologram banner in brooklyn bar?

[ it's not like they teach you how to lie when you're getting your PhD okay ]

Why would I lie?

[ plenty of reasons, none of which he wants to divulge. ]

For many reasons
Embarrassment shame hiding secret or you are lying about something else

[ doesn't mean she won't try. ]

...those are all good reasons

[ unfortunately, bruce isn't the best at keeping secrets. he's already starting to crack. ]

And you are not silent enough for shame
So I think maybe instead you are embarrassed maybe hiding secret
But what I can not know yet

[ sorry, bruce. she's persistent. especially when it comes to uncovering lies. ]

If I was hiding a secret, are you sure you want to know what it is?

[ It's not dangerous or anything, but it might traumatize her. ]

Edited 2017-07-15 11:36 (UTC)

[ for once in his life, barry does not reply. wanda gets a read, 8.51am. ]

I tried to get you out!!
It is my fault they do not take credit card over phone?
This is future

[ this is... unsettling. she doesn't like it. ]

[ read, 9.00am. ]

[ jsyk this is super hard for barry but the barry pre-jail would ramble with upset, but post-jail barry is hardened. he's jaded and cynical!! spending a couple of hours in jail has changed him. ]

[ why is she not surprised he's being dramatic about this? lord help her. ]

Barry
You can not ignore me for ever

I am sorry you were in jail
And I did try get you out they would not accept my credit card!!

[ there's the longest ten second pause. ]

Why didn't you just come down and do your mind trick thingo with the red ~~~ where people do what you say!

Why did you not run from the cops?
Why did you not stop doing stupid thing to not get arrested by cops?

Because Barry Allen is your average boring human and is so not the Flash in any way shape or form!
And in my defense — the meta got me arrested. I did not get myself arrested, I was an upstanding citizen before 10 hours ago!

And Wanda Maximoff can not go into police station and alter minds because her boyfriend got arrested

You have never been arrested?

[ cute. wanda's been arrested before and after the powers. she wouldn't do the raft again. no thanks. ]

No.
Never.
Because I'm an UPSTANDING CITIZEN
Plus I am afraid of everything, and by everything I mean Joe West.

I would phase and break time for you if you go arrested.
Even though I shouldn't break time.
#yolo

That is cute
I forget you are police officers kid

[ she's been an international fugitive. would joe approve? ]

You would not
Because I would not ask you to do that

lbr you wouldn't be stupid enough to get CAUGHT and ARRESTED
Unlike me, FASTEST man alive
Caught and arrested

No I would not
But I have been caught and arrested before
It is no big trouble

And you did good for being arrested
You did not show you are flash that is much important

Does Joe know you are not standing citizen anymore

PLEASE DO NOT TELL JOE
OMG HE'LL BE SO DISAPPOINTED IN ME

He does not know?
No that is too much power for me you will have to tell him

If i see him next I will tell and I will not be able to stop myself

If you tell him then I guess I'll have to leave
Not just the country, but this Earth

You have no idea what it feels like to be at the receiving end of Joe West's disappointment
It literally burns. I still have scorch marks.

You would not leave this earth
I would not let you
Sorry
That is not possible for you

[ excuse? she knows the guilt trip. has he ever disappointed steve 'boy scout of america' rogers? she has. and it's painful. ]

Hm I do I think
I have disappointed Rogers
It is like kicking puppy that is also your mother

( please avenge me from captcha )

(reply from suspended user)

Peter what did you do

(reply from suspended user)

That does not make this sound better
Will I see on news

(reply from suspended user)

1. All I know is that if Italians start time travelling, we're in a lot of trouble, paisan.

2. What happened to our ballroom dancing plans?

3. Just got yelled at by a priest. ...again.

4. Thanks for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother/sister.

5. Text him!

It turns out that I am a terrible dancer. Several professional competitive dancer told my partner that I "suck" - which is a colloquialism meaning that I am terrible at something, in this case dancing.

So what if you suck? We had plans and you ditched me like I was your illegitimate crack baby!

No I did not! I merely neglected to inform you I would be "ditching" because I was quite upset by the professional dancers' assessment, so I stayed home with my partner. He successfully got me to stop thinking about it by having a friend take our daughter out for a drive while we had intercourse. Texting you was summarily forgotten.

Gotta admit, that is a hell of an excuse for not texting. Still, I was left standing around like a dumbass wearing the dumbest looking shoes in the entire world waiting for you. So: glad you're feeling better about you not dancing as well as professional dancers who dance for a living, but I am still mad at you for leaving me hanging.

It is not an excuse, it's what happened.

You were not under any obligation not to take another person for your dance partner. Surely you were not the only partnerless person there.

You're the only person I know who 1. would look amazing in a ballroom gown and 2. was willing to dance with me. And no. Everyone else's partner showed up. It was pretty sad. You would not believe the amount of ice cream and strippers it took for me to feel better.

If you feel better, why are you interrogating me so aggressively? It seems my "ditching" ended with both of us having sex with someone. It sounds like you enjoyed it with each partner you had, and I certainly enjoyed it with mine. What is the problem?

Because feeling bad isn't the problem, Doc. You ditching me is the problem. I have serious abandonment issues yknow! You can't just not show up and then think everything is cool afterwards!

That sounds like something you should consult with a psychologist.

Or you could take 10 seconds next time you decide to leave me alone and friendless to text me. My way is cheaper!

1. My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now.

2. Ask me how many people I've slept with. It's changed since the last time we talked.

3. You left me alone with nothing but doughnuts and my thoughts.

4. [text him!]

We talked half an hour ago.

Yeah I know

Ask me

Alright. How many?

87

I wasn't aware they could do that.

They're generally not supposed to

Upside, I have reason to break my lease and move out of what I now have dubbed a shithole

A) Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity

B) After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.

C) he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.

D) Text him!

(f/f only if you wanna get shippy)

1. Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry.

2. You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket ...

3. Why is there a whip in the kitchen?

4. (text her!)

hide

You want me to hide the whip?

please
danger

What danger?

old
magic

[What does it say about Kate's life that this is actually not one of the weirder things she's encountered this week.]

OK, where do you suggest I hide this whip from something old and magic and dangerous? What does it look like, so I know when to really start running?

[that she has a varied social calendar?]

no
whip is
old
dangerous
yes hide

Where did you find it?

where house

[no, that's not right...]

docks
abandoned

[Not the first time something dangerous was found at the docks, honestly.]

How did you know what it is?

It's not a whip, it's a lasso.

Sorry, they look the same to me. Why is there a lasso in the kitchen?

I was trying to make sure everyone was telling the truth during Never Have I Ever. Sadly, many were not.

That makes a lot more sense. Was that your first time playing?

It is not a game we have on Themyscira. There is no point to it, honestly. But here in the world of men? I can see the appeal.

So can a lot of men, I imagine. I may be in the minority, but I tend to favor a more direct approach to conversation.

Direct tends to get results. I don't like to play with subtlety and half-truths. It wastes time.

Couldn't agree more. I for one don't have that kind of time to waste.

There are too many important things to do in the world to waste time on lying to one another. So, what is it that you have never done, Kate?

Well, I'm fairly certain I've never kissed an Amazon.

I think that could be arranged, if you'd like.

Stop asking me these things.

[ YOU KNOW WHY ]

And get out of my kitchen.

[WOW BRUCE R U D E. Luckily Kate has met you before, so.]

Alfred let me in. [So ... nah.] And if that's what I think it is, I have a lot of questions.

You'll get no answers.

[ yet still there's a follow up text of -- ]

Did he make pancakes

tell him to make pancakes

[ someone is off in the manor dealing with whip wounds, probably ]

[As if that's going to stop Kate from asking.]

He's off looking for you, actually. But yes, pancakes were mentioned. Why are you keeping it in the kitchen? That's the first question that comes to mind. Don't you think Alfred will have something to say about it? It's probably not all that sanitary, for starters.

[ ugh ]

I'll let him know I'm fine then.

It's only in the kitchen because that's where it was left. There shouldn't be any more blood on it though. And Alfred has seen stranger things, this doesn't even rank.

Oh, I'm sure he has. Were you using it in here?

Not at first. You also don't want to have this conversation with me, Kate.

No, I think I do, actually. Who knows, maybe I'll pick up some tips from you.

TFLN

adam parrish ( the raven cycle | ota )

d

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Viktor | YOI | OTA, Misfires welcome!

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:3

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Ochako Uraraka | My Hero Academia

2

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clary fray ( shadowhunters | ota )

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andrew minyard | all for the game

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jason todd | dc comics

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yay hello c:

hi!! just realised I still managed to write that sentence wrong even though I edited.... sorry!

no worries! i got what you meant c:

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Pidge Gunderson aka Katie Holt | Voltron: Legendary Defender

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