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1. I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk.
2. I don't pay shit forward. I broke some of his ribs, told a stranger to call an ambulance and left.
3. And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
4. I might have been shot with rock salt
5. TEXT HIM
2. I don't pay shit forward. I broke some of his ribs, told a stranger to call an ambulance and left.
3. And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
4. I might have been shot with rock salt
5. TEXT HIM
Edited (icon) 2017-03-10 15:00 (UTC)
I'm naked like 95% of the time. If I don't pick a fight in the nude, I'll never get to call you on your bullshit.
1. You raised your weapon over your head and screamed at him, what else did you think it would happen?
2. If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, it's not what you think.
3. All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
4. And remember: people can't hear you kick butt in space.
5. You want a summary? Rhino-like aliens that started drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in ale. Green beer. Old clawed men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in the four nearby moons. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
2. If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, it's not what you think.
3. All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
4. And remember: people can't hear you kick butt in space.
5. You want a summary? Rhino-like aliens that started drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in ale. Green beer. Old clawed men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in the four nearby moons. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
It was still funny though right?
Edited (wow... totally screwed that up) 2017-03-10 15:06 (UTC)
1 — BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP. BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
2 — i woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
3 — he started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on
4 — she def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how i missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe
5 — it's what i'm here for. critiquing penis photos
2 — i woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
3 — he started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on
4 — she def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how i missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe
5 — it's what i'm here for. critiquing penis photos
1. I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
2. So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
3. I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
4. [text her]
2. So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
3. I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
4. [text her]
1. I purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying "you've gotten fat."
2. Guess who has pictures of you sleeping in the dog bed?
3. Yes, you torched it.
No, of course I didn't bother putting the fire out. Do you know who you're talking to?
4. Girls Night was less wild than I was hoping. :(
2. Guess who has pictures of you sleeping in the dog bed?
3. Yes, you torched it.
No, of course I didn't bother putting the fire out. Do you know who you're talking to?
4. Girls Night was less wild than I was hoping. :(
1. porn. physics. porn. ice cream. porn. that's my life now.
2. this is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow. and i want a full day of birthday sex. send me your availabilities. time slots begin at noon.
3. he wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
4. having a vagina does not stop me from believing that my balls are bigger than yours
or send her your own text!
2. this is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow. and i want a full day of birthday sex. send me your availabilities. time slots begin at noon.
3. he wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
4. having a vagina does not stop me from believing that my balls are bigger than yours
or send her your own text!
1. I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said you absolutely atrocious human being.
2. She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
3. He dropped his pants to show me where he was stabbed and now I can't get the image out of my head. Help.
4. THAT'S A LIE STOP TELLING EVERYONE I SHED EVERY THREE WEEKS
2. She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
3. He dropped his pants to show me where he was stabbed and now I can't get the image out of my head. Help.
4. THAT'S A LIE STOP TELLING EVERYONE I SHED EVERY THREE WEEKS
1. Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
2. As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
3. How did you leave without pants?
4. Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
5. ugh. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
6. Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
2. As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
3. How did you leave without pants?
4. Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
5. ugh. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
6. Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
1. If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
2. just made some cornbread, bone app the teeth
3. Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🍞🍷
4. Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
5. text her?
2. just made some cornbread, bone app the teeth
3. Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🍞🍷
4. Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
5. text her?
I don't know why you did! I would have given you the bag if you asked for it. You know I'll always turn that offer down and just give you what you want.
1. Sent a booty call to my boss instead of the actual intended recipient. I don't know what would be worse: a greenlight or a rejection.
2. I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
3. Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
4. You're making cookies in exchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
2. I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
3. Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
4. You're making cookies in exchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Pray tell what sort of study requires such information?
1. i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
2. One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
3. Her exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
4. TEXT HIM
2. One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
3. Her exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
4. TEXT HIM
Edited 2017-03-10 14:58 (UTC)
1. if you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
2. just took a career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. fascinating.
3. i don't want to spend the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
4. wait. wine + crossbow. good idea or bad idea?
Or send her your own text!
2. just took a career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. fascinating.
3. i don't want to spend the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
4. wait. wine + crossbow. good idea or bad idea?
Or send her your own text!
1. It's a shame I can't put "bomb ass head game" on my resume.
2. I feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
3. You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
4. Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
5. Text her!
2. I feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
3. You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
4. Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
5. Text her!
you cant BURN THE HOUSE DOWN oni!! we already sold it!
and the new owners dont know anybody ever died there SO. shhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
and the new owners dont know anybody ever died there SO. shhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
1) I just walked into a party and someone yelled "DIBS"
2) nope. If she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
3) There is a naked person in my bed. Explain.
4) what do you mean "meet me on the roof in five"?
5) [ or text her! ]
2) nope. If she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
3) There is a naked person in my bed. Explain.
4) what do you mean "meet me on the roof in five"?
5) [ or text her! ]
...Do you want the long version or the short version?
Makes huge leaps in cr assumptions for both of their emotional constipation needs
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snedronningen
- 2017-03-10 16:32 (UTC) - Expand1. All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
2. You're making cookies in exchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
3. this is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow. and i want a full day of birthday sex. send me your availabilities. time slots begin at noon.
4. I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon.
5. Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
6. If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for a steak, I'll kill you
2. You're making cookies in exchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
3. this is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow. and i want a full day of birthday sex. send me your availabilities. time slots begin at noon.
4. I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon.
5. Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
6. If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for a steak, I'll kill you
001. "I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon"
002. "Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick."
003. "This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem"
002. "Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick."
003. "This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem"
1. You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
2. Leo changed all the contacts in my phone last night. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are and it doesn’t upset me at all.
3. I find it simply astounding you spell “drunken” wrong but “pterodactyl” right.
4. I wonder if you can grow marijuana on Farmville and sell it to Mafia Wars.
5. Text him!
2. Leo changed all the contacts in my phone last night. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are and it doesn’t upset me at all.
3. I find it simply astounding you spell “drunken” wrong but “pterodactyl” right.
4. I wonder if you can grow marijuana on Farmville and sell it to Mafia Wars.
5. Text him!
Edited 2017-03-10 15:10 (UTC)
Okay but now I'm curious as to which one I am. And slightly impressed at Leo's dedication to a prank war.
1. I don't pay shit forward. I broke some of his ribs, told a stranger to call an ambulance and left.
2. You raised your weapon over your head and screamed at him, what else did you think it would happen?
3. Guess who has pictures of you sleeping with the cow?
4. She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
5. He dropped his pants to show me where he was stabbed and now I can't get the image out of my head. Help.
6. Text him!
2. You raised your weapon over your head and screamed at him, what else did you think it would happen?
3. Guess who has pictures of you sleeping with the cow?
4. She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
5. He dropped his pants to show me where he was stabbed and now I can't get the image out of my head. Help.
6. Text him!
1) This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
2) what the fuck is wrong with you
3)I am 6 feet of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
2) what the fuck is wrong with you
3)I am 6 feet of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
1. There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward the house.
2. I should offer shots at parent teacher conferences. I bet more people would come
3. When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. that's a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But you'll never know.
4. TEXT HIM
2. I should offer shots at parent teacher conferences. I bet more people would come
3. When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. that's a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But you'll never know.
4. TEXT HIM
i.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
ii.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
iii.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
iv.
TEXT HIM
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
ii.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
iii.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
iv.
TEXT HIM
If I'm being honest, it's about how I handle 95% of our interactions. Especially when you're manic.
1. You raised your weapon over your head and screamed at him, what else did you think it would happen?
2. He dropped his pants to show me where he was shot and now I can't get the image out of my head. Help.
3. You raised your weapon over your head and screamed at him, what else did you think it would happen?
4. I wonder if you can grow marijuana on Farmville and sell it to Mafia Wars.
5. DUUUUUDE!!! Just found out the Preventers have a kids page. guess who's got a new junior officer printout badge?
6. Text him!
2. He dropped his pants to show me where he was shot and now I can't get the image out of my head. Help.
3. You raised your weapon over your head and screamed at him, what else did you think it would happen?
4. I wonder if you can grow marijuana on Farmville and sell it to Mafia Wars.
5. DUUUUUDE!!! Just found out the Preventers have a kids page. guess who's got a new junior officer printout badge?
6. Text him!
Edited 2017-03-10 15:24 (UTC)
I don't think that's how the game works. But have you tried?
1) youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful.
2) not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs.
3) im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
4) [text her a thing idk I'm not your boss]
2) not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs.
3) im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
4) [text her a thing idk I'm not your boss]
1. just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still running
2. So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
3. There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
4. the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
5. text her
2. So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
3. There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
4. the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
5. text her
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