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1. hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
2. my uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as i bought a drink so i put it in my pocket
3. so i woke and tried to get up. then i realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
4. they toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation
5. just calling to thank you for not dying, i love you
6. dude new orleans is wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
2. my uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as i bought a drink so i put it in my pocket
3. so i woke and tried to get up. then i realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
4. they toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation
5. just calling to thank you for not dying, i love you
6. dude new orleans is wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
1: Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
2: It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
3: If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
4: I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
5: sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
6: [bring your own text]
2: It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
3: If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
4: I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
5: sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
6: [bring your own text]
Thank you for share your Jedi training progress with me via your nudes.
Charles Vane * Black Sails * M/F for anything shippy/smutty, otherwise OTA
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getonwithitmfer
2017-03-10 04:48 pm (UTC)(link)
1. You drunkenly promised nudes on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
2. Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
3. Text him!
2. Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
3. Text him!
1. You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
2. I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
3. Did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
4. I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
2. I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
3. Did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
4. I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I mean... as far as first hangouts go, I think it went pretty well?
i. Immediately after sex he started to me about nerdy stuff that he meant to text me earlier. I'm completely smitten.
ii. This is the second time that you have stolen a pet while drunk, given it back and cashed in a reward ... You have a problem.
iii. You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Diana.
iv. txt him
1. I feel like I should send an apology letter to anesthesiologist.
2. So I woke up and tried to get up. Then I realized my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
3. You texted me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congratulations, you made toast.
4. I am eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
5. Text him.
2. So I woke up and tried to get up. Then I realized my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
3. You texted me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congratulations, you made toast.
4. I am eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
5. Text him.
1. It was the cape. I can’t control myself when I wear a cape.
2. I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
3. I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
4. DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!?
THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
2. I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
3. I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
4. DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!?
THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
If I were to wear the cape? And only the cape? Think you could control yourself then?
Archie Andrews * Riverdale * M/F for anything shippy/smutty, otherwise OTA
theboynextdoor
2017-03-10 04:51 pm (UTC)(link)
1. And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair.
2. So like, boobs.
3. Text him!
2. So like, boobs.
3. Text him!
Bucky Barnes * MCU * M/F for anything shippy, otherwise OTA
zimnij_soldat
2017-03-10 04:52 pm (UTC)(link)
1. So much Italian food last night. I'm gonna cum garlic butter.
2. I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her.
3. Text him!
2. I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her.
3. Text him!
1) But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
2) I crashed through a building. If that counts then yes, I went out with a bang.
3) And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
4) Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
5) ( text him )
2) I crashed through a building. If that counts then yes, I went out with a bang.
3) And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
4) Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
5) ( text him )
1. You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
2. Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You’re kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
3. I slept awesome next to you. You’re like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
4. you wouldn’t let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled “BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT” and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
2. Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You’re kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
3. I slept awesome next to you. You’re like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
4. you wouldn’t let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled “BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT” and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
Edited 2017-03-10 16:56 (UTC)
Shiro Shirogane * Voltron: Legendary Defender * M/F for anything shippy/smutty, otherwise OTA
black_paladin
2017-03-10 04:55 pm (UTC)(link)
1. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since we've been fucking sideways and upside down a lot lately.
2. You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex.
3. Text him!
2. You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex.
3. Text him!
1: We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
2: You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
3: I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
4: WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
5: [Text him!]
2: You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
3: I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
4: WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
5: [Text him!]
Edited 2017-03-10 16:58 (UTC)
Seth Gecko * From Dusk Till Dawn (series) * M/F for anything shippy/smutty, otherwise OTA
you_be_cool
2017-03-10 04:57 pm (UTC)(link)
1. I need water and some morals.
2. It's no longer hooking up, you and I have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
3. Text him!
2. It's no longer hooking up, you and I have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
3. Text him!
i can only provide bottles of the one and occasional conscience work for the other
1. I FOUND THE PASTA SMILEY!
2. I just got CPR certified!
3. Are you mad at me?
(20 seconds later, 1/2) I'm sorry
(2/2) But I didn't do it
(30 seconds later) And it's not my fault!!!
2. I just got CPR certified!
3. Are you mad at me?
(20 seconds later, 1/2) I'm sorry
(2/2) But I didn't do it
(30 seconds later) And it's not my fault!!!
1. you just kept mumbling, "shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." repeatedly.
2. it's so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
3. piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
4. you left your underwear on the fireplace
2. it's so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
3. piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
4. you left your underwear on the fireplace
Princess Kushana | Nausicaä of the Valley of Wind
in_a_nest_of_vipers
2017-03-10 05:02 pm (UTC)(link)
[Manga version, despite anime icons]
1: Just calling to thank you for not dying.
2: The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
3: Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
4: When/where did the additional sofas appear?
5: [Text her!]
1: Just calling to thank you for not dying.
2: The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
3: Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
4: When/where did the additional sofas appear?
5: [Text her!]
1. blood and glitter go together right?
2. like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
3. you were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. you said "it's warm" then passed out
4. he somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. it's like fucking witchcraft
2. like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
3. you were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. you said "it's warm" then passed out
4. he somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. it's like fucking witchcraft
WHY DIDN'T YOU TAKE IT AWAY FROM ME? I ALMOST CRACKED MY SKULL TRYING TO GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM! I SLID ACROSS THE FUCKING TILES ON MY STOMACH LIKE AN EEL OR SOME SHIT
1. I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
2. And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one.
3. Sometimes I wish I was able to text my cat and tell her I miss her and that I'm thinking about her.
4. I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
5. (text him)
2. And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one.
3. Sometimes I wish I was able to text my cat and tell her I miss her and that I'm thinking about her.
4. I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
5. (text him)
1. I don't remember. Are we still dating?
2. Do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
3. I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
4. He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
5. My goal is to not remember how I make a living by 9pm Saturday night.
6. Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
7. Text him
2. Do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
3. I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
4. He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
5. My goal is to not remember how I make a living by 9pm Saturday night.
6. Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
7. Text him
Oh come now. Even for you, that's a bit dramatic, don't you think?
1 - we stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke; you saw it as a challenge.
2 - You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
3 - I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
4 - [text him! open to cross-canon/medium ╰( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° )]
2 - You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
3 - I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
4 - [text him! open to cross-canon/medium ╰( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° )]
I warned you that it was potent... Though you see where Jay went off to? I think he took my bike, because pretty sure the one sitting in my garage belongs to him or Dick.... And when the hell did my garage become the current hide from pops location?
01. This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants.
02. I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
03. You texted me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
02. I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
03. You texted me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Do you know the owner of the pants or whose bathroom you're in?
p.s. why are you in a bathroom anyway that's the worst place to fall asleep
[The most helpful of best friends. Obviously.]
p.s. why are you in a bathroom anyway that's the worst place to fall asleep
[The most helpful of best friends. Obviously.]
1. Just texting to thank you for not dying. I love you.
2.Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
3. what the fuck is wrong with you
4. I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
5. text her!
2.Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
3. what the fuck is wrong with you
4. I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
5. text her!
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