1. There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one.
2. He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
3. Celebrating a successful exorcism by watching zombie movies and drinking booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
4. Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
[Or text him!]
2. He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
3. Celebrating a successful exorcism by watching zombie movies and drinking booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
4. Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
[Or text him!]
1. Immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten.
2. Babe, holding my hair while I blow you doesn't count as being romantic.
3. I spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants.
4. Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
5. Text her!
2. Babe, holding my hair while I blow you doesn't count as being romantic.
3. I spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants.
4. Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
5. Text her!
You're welcome. I do my best work when not dead.
1. Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
2. This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward
3.I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
4. How can you tell that you're blacked out?
5. Text him!
2. This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward
3.I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
4. How can you tell that you're blacked out?
5. Text him!
1. One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
2. I am 5' 9" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
3. You can't just tell me that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that.
4. I spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants.
5. [text him.]
2. I am 5' 9" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
3. You can't just tell me that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that.
4. I spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants.
5. [text him.]
1. I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
2. You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
3. fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
4. after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
2. You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
3. fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
4. after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Edited 2017-03-10 18:00 (UTC)
1. I yield to the immortal wisdom of the Lord of Cris, who famously wrote, "Can't turn a hoe into a housewife." Indeed.
2. They are engaged in lesbian sex while I play Super Mario World. I hope they like the music.
3. The coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding.
4. text Blue
2. They are engaged in lesbian sex while I play Super Mario World. I hope they like the music.
3. The coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding.
4. text Blue
i.....why would you want a
well if shes nice i guess butTwilight Sparkle (Human Version) | Equestria Girls | OTA
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
elementofnerdity
2017-03-10 06:01 pm (UTC)(link)
1. Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
2. Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
3. Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
2. Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
3. Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Same. Library Jenga is the best!
Sorry about your foot.
Sorry about your foot.
1.) I need water and some morals
2.) this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all
3.) wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
4.) Text him
2.) this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all
3.) wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
4.) Text him
a. i spent my friday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
b. you know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned and then realize he's not on the porch
c. ihop waitress gave me free pancakes. i think she's celebrating that i'm sober this time.
d. text him!
b. you know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned and then realize he's not on the porch
c. ihop waitress gave me free pancakes. i think she's celebrating that i'm sober this time.
d. text him!
[1/2] I mean at least you didn't mistake a bear cub for one of your dogs and bring it home. That would be decidedly worse. But also a much more interesring story for later.
[2/2] Kind of hurt I wasn't invited to the toking party, putting that on record.
[2/2] Kind of hurt I wasn't invited to the toking party, putting that on record.
so he is drunk, high, and sober all at once I GOT THIS (and they arrive back at pancakes...)
wontgraham
- 2017-03-11 01:28 (UTC) - Expandhe obviously lied through his teeth to that poor waitress!
nepharious
- 2017-03-11 01:32 (UTC) - Expand1.) Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
2.) Just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
3.) HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
4.) Text him
2.) Just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
3.) HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
4.) Text him
1. Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
2. i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the flat.
3. Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
4. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE THAT A TEENAGER IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
5. TEXT HIM.
2. i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the flat.
3. Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
4. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE THAT A TEENAGER IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
5. TEXT HIM.
1 because we lost the other one
2 because you have bad taste
3 because i was bored and i have a great voice
4 because it's fun :D
2 because you have bad taste
3 because i was bored and i have a great voice
4 because it's fun :D
- I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and pretending I'm trying to get laid via tinder
- I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
- I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
- ...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
- I just remembered him asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
- This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
- you kept telling us that in dog beers you'd only had one
1. Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
2. You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
3. I am concerned about him. I reminded him that mortals need to eat, and his reply was 'YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!' I'm not sure that's a valid response.
4. You went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
[or text him!]
2. You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
3. I am concerned about him. I reminded him that mortals need to eat, and his reply was 'YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!' I'm not sure that's a valid response.
4. You went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
[or text him!]
3, because apparently tagging you w/ Michael doing weird food stuff is a thing I'm doing now, idk
batoutofhell
- 2017-03-11 00:12 (UTC) - Expand1. Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
2. If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
3. he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
4. eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
5. [text him...]
2. If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
3. he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
4. eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
5. [text him...]
Edited 2017-03-11 02:37 (UTC)
i. That was an excessively violent trivia night
ii. The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
iii. He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
iv. Why am I handcuffed to your bed? And WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU.
v. TEXT HER
ii. The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
iii. He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
iv. Why am I handcuffed to your bed? And WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU.
v. TEXT HER
told you I take my Harry Potter trivial pursuit v. srsly.
Now you see i wasnt lying.
Now you see i wasnt lying.
1. you texted me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you just made toast.
2. I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
3. aw he's cute. not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as my pet
4. [text her!]
2. I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
3. aw he's cute. not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as my pet
4. [text her!]
i. I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
ii. This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
iii. You locked the doors, blasted Whitney Houston, and refused to pay the pizza delivery guy. How much did you drink?
iv. or text him!
ii. This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
iii. You locked the doors, blasted Whitney Houston, and refused to pay the pizza delivery guy. How much did you drink?
iv. or text him!
1. We didn't even throw knives this time! It was just the carrot peeler.
2. Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
3. As an organization can we vote to stab Vexen?
[or text her. Also available in![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
recolle AU flavor. Tags will be slow for a few hours while I'm at work.]
2. Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
3. As an organization can we vote to stab Vexen?
[or text her. Also available in
recolle AU flavor. Tags will be slow for a few hours while I'm at work.]Edited (HTML fail) 2017-03-10 18:22 (UTC)
1. I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon.
2. This is the second time I've stolen a pet while drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward.
3. Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
4. I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
5. Every time I think I can't flirt I'm reminded other people are worse. I'm on observation in a cantina and one guy's exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
2. This is the second time I've stolen a pet while drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward.
3. Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
4. I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
5. Every time I think I can't flirt I'm reminded other people are worse. I'm on observation in a cantina and one guy's exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Some people just try too hard.
Unless that guy's line actually worked, then I could be wrong.
Unless that guy's line actually worked, then I could be wrong.
1. I don't know you, but I just did a line with your business card.
2. When you're 30 and I'm 32 and lonely and single, let's make a pact to murder each other.
3. There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer.
4. So, about class tomorrow: I may still be a bit drunk and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
5. or text him!
2. When you're 30 and I'm 32 and lonely and single, let's make a pact to murder each other.
3. There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer.
4. So, about class tomorrow: I may still be a bit drunk and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
5. or text him!
Edited 2017-03-10 18:22 (UTC)
o yeah, byakuya sama??? where does this line lie??? im very curious 😜😜😜💦💦💦
i. Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
ii. Kinda just kicked over the fish-tank doing interpretive dance moves. You up? SOS.
iii. No no no I refuse to be your wingman again. Do you remember the cheetos incident last time?
iv. or text him!
ii. Kinda just kicked over the fish-tank doing interpretive dance moves. You up? SOS.
iii. No no no I refuse to be your wingman again. Do you remember the cheetos incident last time?
iv. or text him!
A fish tank? I didn't even know you had fish.
Cisco are you watching Barry's turtle?
Cisco are you watching Barry's turtle?
3 (somehow got the wrong Bartholomew Henry Allen?)
kid_flash_found
- 2017-03-11 03:33 (UTC) - Expand1. What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
2. His boxers smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
3. Im going to the gym covered in the Brazilians cum ♥
4. You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I want to.
5. TEXT HIM.
2. His boxers smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
3. Im going to the gym covered in the Brazilians cum ♥
4. You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I want to.
5. TEXT HIM.
1. immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
2. well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
3. I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
4. I am 5' 8" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
5. text him!
Edited 2017-03-10 18:28 (UTC)
Why is it. Whenever you get one of your weird crushes, you always feel the need to tell me about them?
1. I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying. I cried too.
2. How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
3. do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
2. How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
3. do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
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