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1) i just melted into this bed. i am one with the bed. i am 1000 thread count.
2) i have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
3) how many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
4) i always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whiskey
5) you yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
6) [ Text him! ]
2) i have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
3) how many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
4) i always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whiskey
5) you yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
6) [ Text him! ]
Edited 2017-03-10 19:46 (UTC)
look when you say it like that you make it sound like a bad thing
1. Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
2. We didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler.
3. You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a possible broken wrist. I have no regrets.
4. Text her.
2. We didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler.
3. You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a possible broken wrist. I have no regrets.
4. Text her.
To be fair, they are very good nudes. Nice lighting and good composition.
1) You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
2) Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
3) Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
4) If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
5) [ Text him! ]
2) Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
3) Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
4) If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
5) [ Text him! ]
1 - It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
2 - Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo. I learned this the hard way.
3 - Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
4 - You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
5 - [Text him!]
2 - Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo. I learned this the hard way.
3 - Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
4 - You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
5 - [Text him!]
considering how long it's been since the last time I got to eat an apple was?
yeah I was hella glad it was there
yeah I was hella glad it was there
1 - You do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
2 - I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
3 - I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
4 - The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
5 - [Text him.]
2 - I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
3 - I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
4 - The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
5 - [Text him.]
1. I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
2. Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
3. We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour.
4. Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
5. Text Her!
2. Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
3. We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour.
4. Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
5. Text Her!
1. I spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
2. Apparetly I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this"
3. I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
4. I'm at the airport and there is a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
5. Text him
2. Apparetly I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this"
3. I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
4. I'm at the airport and there is a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
5. Text him
Your parties are quite spectacular, I admit. What happened tonight that brought the police?
1
No he can't come. I swear he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
2
[P1] This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
[P2] I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
3
Did you wind up at some random place? And do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
No he can't come. I swear he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
2
[P1] This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
[P2] I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
3
Did you wind up at some random place? And do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Sofia McClain | Voltron: Legendary Defender - Lance's big sis
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micdropmcclain
2017-03-10 08:06 pm (UTC)(link)
1. i just got CPR certified!!! don't make me use these skills so soon!!!
2. found a thong and a $20 in my pocket. gonna be a good day. but seriously tho, whose is this?
3. i think i left my taco on your dresser. can you check for me?
4. just calling to thank you for not dying. i love you
2. found a thong and a $20 in my pocket. gonna be a good day. but seriously tho, whose is this?
3. i think i left my taco on your dresser. can you check for me?
4. just calling to thank you for not dying. i love you
i only have one icon right now i'm so sorry asfjdiaos
micdropmcclain
- 2017-03-10 21:57 (UTC) - Expand(voicetesting! be gentle. or don't)
a. You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
b. I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
c. This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
wildcard—text him!
a. You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
b. I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
c. This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
wildcard—text him!
Edited 2017-03-10 20:09 (UTC)
No one imagines tentacles in their future, my dude.
i've seen like 5 other taakos but you're the first krav
spellslots
- 2017-03-11 03:22 (UTC) - ExpandI'm hoping we'll see some more after the finale tbh
couldabeenaconductor
- 2017-03-11 03:51 (UTC) - Expandy u p tho i hope someone else dms so griffin gets a chance to play
spellslots
- 2017-03-12 01:39 (UTC) - Expand1. Just wanted to thank you for not dying. I love you.
2. Nardole says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle.
3. I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your day?
4. text him!
Edited 2017-03-10 20:11 (UTC)
1. I need water and some morals.
2. I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes.
3. I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it". or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored".
4. Of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them.
5. (or text him)
2. I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes.
3. I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it". or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored".
4. Of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them.
5. (or text him)
And a new coat. Had to borrow yours from the cloakroom. Very nice cut. Left your billfold with the fancy waiter. Kept the money and your contact info.
1. Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
2. He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
3. Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
4. Odd start to my day- the FBI showed up at my apartment.
5. I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
6. Text her!
2. He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
3. Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
4. Odd start to my day- the FBI showed up at my apartment.
5. I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
6. Text her!
I'd say you're welcome, but I can't decide if that's a dick thing to say or not.
a. Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far.
b. I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
c. She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
b. I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
c. She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
1. He obviously doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
2. The EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
So I guess I owe you a thank you for not pointing at me.
3. He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
4. You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
5. Text Her!
2. The EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
So I guess I owe you a thank you for not pointing at me.
3. He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
4. You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
5. Text Her!
1. This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem.
2. I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
3. Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
4. Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
5. Text him (preferably at 3am)
2. I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
3. Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
4. Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
5. Text him (preferably at 3am)
I would've thought that would make you more marketable.
1. Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
2. You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
3. Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am while still wearing my heels
4. That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
5. Text Her!
2. You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
3. Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am while still wearing my heels
4. That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
5. Text Her!
Did you forget when I told you that I don't like sex? Also who else are you texting????
1. The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
2. I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
3. shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
4. Text her!
2. I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
3. shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
4. Text her!
1. His boxers smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
2. What the fuck is wrong with you; just start alphabetically.
3. You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
4. Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
5. I will take a ruler to your dick so help me Fates.
2. What the fuck is wrong with you; just start alphabetically.
3. You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
4. Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
5. I will take a ruler to your dick so help me Fates.
I'm glad to hear that he had good hygiene at least. But did he keep his boxers on the entire time?
it was either 4 or 5 and i'm going with the lesser evil of 4
shadowblends
- 2017-03-11 02:26 (UTC) - Expandfdhskjlfdhs LMAO would be a total misfire and his only response would be "excuse me???"
shadowblends
- 2017-03-11 02:35 (UTC) - Expand1) Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
2) It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
3) If you want lift please tell me well in time because there are Days of Our Lives re-runs on the TV.
2) It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
3) If you want lift please tell me well in time because there are Days of Our Lives re-runs on the TV.
Edited 2017-03-10 20:50 (UTC)
1) Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
2) You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
3) I may not survive the next apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
2) You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
3) I may not survive the next apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
1. I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
2. Yes, I'm a douche but I'm a high-quality douche.
3. My brain says no but my pants say off.
4. So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding? So unmotivated this decade.
2. Yes, I'm a douche but I'm a high-quality douche.
3. My brain says no but my pants say off.
4. So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding? So unmotivated this decade.
... You're going to listen to your brain, aren't you?
ahaha most excellent. sorry she's a pushy little thing
made_of_stars
- 2017-03-11 06:47 (UTC) - Expand1) Hiding in the clothes rack like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
2) You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
3) help he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with naked, filling his shoes with water, or throwing his sword in the garbage disposal.....
4) text him
2) You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
3) help he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with naked, filling his shoes with water, or throwing his sword in the garbage disposal.....
4) text him
1) I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
2) i think i scared a bird with my dick
3) I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now crushed up Froot Loops all around my bedroom.
2) i think i scared a bird with my dick
3) I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now crushed up Froot Loops all around my bedroom.
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