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1: What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
2: I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
3: I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
4: I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
5: [Or text her!]
2: I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
3: I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
4: I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
5: [Or text her!]
1. can a guy just have shower sex with his boyfriend in peace without having to deal with aliens attacking?!?!
2. you told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
3. we're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
4. sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. you've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
5. just lying in bed drinking booze with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
6. Text him!
2. you told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
3. we're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
4. sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. you've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
5. just lying in bed drinking booze with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
6. Text him!
1. I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
2. New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after celebrations and eat all the leftovers.
3. Doing a walk of shame at store at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk.
4. I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
5. Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
2. New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after celebrations and eat all the leftovers.
3. Doing a walk of shame at store at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk.
4. I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
5. Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Fuck you and buy the burgers? This is why you're alone. You're asking for too much.
[He should at least buy the burgers.]
[He should at least buy the burgers.]
1. I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
2. He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
3. Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
4. He told me it was a naked video of him so I opened it. I just got rickrolled while sexting.
5. I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes.
6. Text him!
2. He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
3. Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
4. He told me it was a naked video of him so I opened it. I just got rickrolled while sexting.
5. I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes.
6. Text him!
A » going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
B » hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
C » A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
D » Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
E » Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
F » text him!
B » hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
C » A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
D » Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
E » Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
F » text him!
1: I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
2: And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
3: Damn victory sex feels great
4: Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
5: [Or text her!]
2: And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
3: Damn victory sex feels great
4: Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
5: [Or text her!]
1. Why can't I find any clean towels?
2. He's wearing an apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. And calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off.
3. I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since all the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all.
4. We convinced you the Moon was a planet... again.
5. The last time I saw you, you were yelling "I'll handle this" while wearing a lion suit.
2. He's wearing an apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. And calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off.
3. I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since all the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all.
4. We convinced you the Moon was a planet... again.
5. The last time I saw you, you were yelling "I'll handle this" while wearing a lion suit.
detective rustin cohle | true detective | ota and misfires ✔️
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littlepriest
2017-01-06 05:39 pm (UTC)(link)
a. Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
b. bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
c. okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
d. [ you text him ]
b. bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
c. okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
d. [ you text him ]
[1/3] ok well whatever im not dribj NOW
[2/3] **drunk
[3/3] that in no wayy invaksidates whay i just said
[2/3] **drunk
[3/3] that in no wayy invaksidates whay i just said
cr[a]sh making a comeback, mm? [soulmates or not, 2002-just-suspended life spiraling downwards-era?]
itrhymes
- 2017-01-06 17:59 (UTC) - Expand/sweats, breathes, pupils dilate Yesssss I need Crash-ish Rust with Hannibal
littlepriest
- 2017-01-06 21:44 (UTC) - Expand1. at McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
2. i could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so i started beat boxing to the tempo.
3. id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
4. seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
5. do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
2. i could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so i started beat boxing to the tempo.
3. id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
4. seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
5. do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
1. The Olympian is in my bed.
2. Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with.
3. I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a .gif.
4. You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice.
5. Text him!
2. Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with.
3. I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a .gif.
4. You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice.
5. Text him!
"oh my god" is a valid response to many of jed bartlet's actions
iamthelordthygod
- 2017-01-07 04:58 (UTC) - ExpandLike Gandalf, I am where I am needed and needed where I am
iamthelordthygod
- 2017-01-07 10:42 (UTC) - Expand1. all i'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
2. you just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
3. well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
4. had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban man about mind control.
5. every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". my phone is judging me.
2. you just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
3. well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
4. had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban man about mind control.
5. every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". my phone is judging me.
1 — i just remember telling jokes while vomiting
2 — in the future, we need to avoid these "i'm gonna get stabbed if i stay here any longer" parties
3 — if i EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches i could take
1. you never know when you’ll meet the man of your dreams and bang him on an ice rink
2. His threats seemed pretty legit for a 15 year old
3. And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
4. i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
5. He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and terrible judgement.
6. [Text him!]
2. His threats seemed pretty legit for a 15 year old
3. And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
4. i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
5. He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and terrible judgement.
6. [Text him!]
Edited 2017-01-06 17:51 (UTC)
1 — disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. remember that one
2 — you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night
3 — i wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. pastor had no sense of comedic timing
4 — where’s my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card
1. My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
2. Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
3. Can anyone on this base do anything sober?
4. is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
5. Well, when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person.
6. [Text him!]
2. Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
3. Can anyone on this base do anything sober?
4. is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
5. Well, when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person.
6. [Text him!]
1. Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
2. That reminds me... we need to get swords.
3. I only kidnapped one of them. Calm down.
4. [Text him!]
2. That reminds me... we need to get swords.
3. I only kidnapped one of them. Calm down.
4. [Text him!]
1. We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
2. I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
3. My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
4. I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
5. Text her!
2. I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
3. My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
4. I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
5. Text her!
1. ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
2. Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
3. Text him!
2. Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
3. Text him!
1. No I didn't. Wódka did.
2. You NEED a cockblock sometimes.
3. At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
4. Thanks to you and Sobieski I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
5. [Text him!]
2. You NEED a cockblock sometimes.
3. At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
4. Thanks to you and Sobieski I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
5. [Text him!]
Edited 2017-01-06 17:44 (UTC)
Against my own home country?
1. What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
2. My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
3. No, I've been in the mountains getting drunk and baking cookies.
4. Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone? Asking for a friend, of course.
2. My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
3. No, I've been in the mountains getting drunk and baking cookies.
4. Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone? Asking for a friend, of course.
What's this? have we discovered a statistical fact that ignis doesn't know
1. Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Pandora. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
2. He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "Tell me how you want to fuck me," and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings." FUCK.
3. Any interest in drunk sledding later? If not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
2. He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "Tell me how you want to fuck me," and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings." FUCK.
3. Any interest in drunk sledding later? If not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I'd check and make sure he hasn't spontaneously grown a vagina.
1. My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
2. It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
3. Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
4. You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
1. When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
2. I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
3. How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
4. I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
5. [Text him!]
2. I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
3. How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
4. I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
5. [Text him!]
1. I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
2. You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar.
3. Monster slaying and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special.
4. I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for that photograph.
5. Just text her!
2. You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar.
3. Monster slaying and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special.
4. I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for that photograph.
5. Just text her!
bbq?
[ SCOFF. Might as well have made french fries for how unimpressive that is. ]
[ SCOFF. Might as well have made french fries for how unimpressive that is. ]
1. Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
2. This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
3. I fell off the bed and in the middle of it he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. I think I'm in love.
4. Seriously iPhone. Stop correcting my fucks into ducks. You're making all my strongly worded texts look harmless and adorable.
5. Text her!
2. This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
3. I fell off the bed and in the middle of it he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. I think I'm in love.
4. Seriously iPhone. Stop correcting my fucks into ducks. You're making all my strongly worded texts look harmless and adorable.
5. Text her!
Now, that does sounds like an experience. Where did you find so many bubble wrap? Or were you standing?
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