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1: I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life decisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
2: I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
3: Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
4: Text Her
2: I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
3: Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
4: Text Her
Is there ever less weird crap? You may be gone for a very long time.
1. And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
2.FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
3.My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
4. ( text him! )
2.FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
3.My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
4. ( text him! )
001. I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life decisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
002. I can feel your judgement through the comm.
003. Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate-filled rant, or just a normal hate-filled rant, either way be ready.
004. This weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity.
002. I can feel your judgement through the comm.
003. Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate-filled rant, or just a normal hate-filled rant, either way be ready.
004. This weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity.
01. Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
02. We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
03. I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
04. Text her!
02. We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
03. I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
04. Text her!
1. Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
2. That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
3. For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
4. Monster slaying and bbq. S/he sure knows how to make a girl feel special.
5. Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
2. That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
3. For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
4. Monster slaying and bbq. S/he sure knows how to make a girl feel special.
5. Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Who says I want it back? Maybe I'll just go commando from now on.
AkaRed - Boukenger Vs Super Sentai/Kaizoku Sentai Gokaiger - OTA
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inheritstheredsouls
2017-01-06 06:24 pm (UTC)(link)
1) He showed up to the location wearing nothing but an antique suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
2) There's a picture of you on Facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you face-planted off that guy's shoulders.
3) He got 20 stitches. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
4) ((text him!))
2) There's a picture of you on Facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you face-planted off that guy's shoulders.
3) He got 20 stitches. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
4) ((text him!))
1. Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
2. we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
3. Woke up with two cats staring at me.
4. text him
2. we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
3. Woke up with two cats staring at me.
4. text him
Edited 2017-01-06 18:25 (UTC)
Did I follow it up with a panic attack about the future of all our careers in a world without ice? I think I actually sort of almost remember something about that.
1) Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
2) I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
3) I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
4) ((text her!))
2) I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
3) I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
4) ((text her!))
ONE. Update: broke a window. Glass everywhere.
TWO. How odd. My phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible.
THREE. What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on one's birthday?
FOUR. Is bondage not considered vanilla?
FIVE. text him!
1. What is all this bottle flipping nonsense? What is lit?
2. SHE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. MANSION!!!
3. With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
4. I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
5. (text her)
2. SHE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. MANSION!!!
3. With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
4. I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
5. (text her)
that's all? just slap a bandage on it and call it a day
1. i was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
2. i have no idea. i woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
3. i literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. i don't even want a relationship at this point. just a chew toy and some food.
4. you told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
5. text him
2. i have no idea. i woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
3. i literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. i don't even want a relationship at this point. just a chew toy and some food.
4. you told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
5. text him
Ah.
Well, I can definitely bring you cheeseburgers...
Well, I can definitely bring you cheeseburgers...
fyi this response nearly caused me to spit my water during family lunch.
iceflares
- 2017-01-06 20:42 (UTC) - Expand1) ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
2) I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
3) It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
4) ((text her!))
2) I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
3) It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
4) ((text her!))
- The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
- Look, we all have our terrible phases. Mine is just forever.
- Whatever. I'm stealing a chocobo. You're not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
- I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
- Text him!
Or don't, he's awful.
1 - SPOILERS okay??? (I'm a terrible person, don't mind me)
battleshot
- 2017-01-06 21:51 (UTC) - Expand1. I’m spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
2. His face was nice enough, but his choice of armor screamed backstabbing merc
3. I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - yeah, it was a good weekend.
4. Why is your signature on my underwear?
5. I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
2. His face was nice enough, but his choice of armor screamed backstabbing merc
3. I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - yeah, it was a good weekend.
4. Why is your signature on my underwear?
5. I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
1. I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
2. I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
3. He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
4. Text him!
2. I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
3. He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
4. Text him!
1) if someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
2) why are you like this.
3) i refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving chinese food
4) i would fuck him for his dog.
5) [ or text him! ]
2) why are you like this.
3) i refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving chinese food
4) i would fuck him for his dog.
5) [ or text him! ]
1. I threw up in bathtub last night like a decent human being
2. It is not walk of shame if you run
3. I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
4. THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOME RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
5. I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
6. [text her!]
2. It is not walk of shame if you run
3. I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
4. THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOME RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
5. I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
6. [text her!]
/sneaks up on (also 2 but so many of these were tempting)
pretendtoneedme
2017-01-06 11:32 pm (UTC)(link)
I'm really gonna hope that wasn't supposed to go to me
hiii!! :D (honestly, she'd died if she sent him the 3rd one)
scarlethour
- 2017-01-07 01:53 (UTC) - Expandoh god timing bed now (don't die Wanda just be horribly embarrassed)
pretendtoneedme
- 2017-01-07 01:57 (UTC) - Expandeast and fucking early work, I'll poke you again tomorrow~ (mwahaha)
pretendtoneedme
- 2017-01-07 02:07 (UTC) - Expandbooo work on a saturday? illegal 100 years dungeon. good night! erm, morning? :]
scarlethour
- 2017-01-07 02:26 (UTC) - Expand01. She just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
02. I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
03. 8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
04. Text her!
02. I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
03. 8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
04. Text her!
1. I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
2. I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
3. You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
4. Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
5. Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
2. I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
3. You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
4. Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
5. Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
1. It's not a walk of shame if you run
2. We're going to get naked and build a fort instead
3. Kriff you and kriff your stupid hat
4. I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
5. [text her!]
2. We're going to get naked and build a fort instead
3. Kriff you and kriff your stupid hat
4. I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
5. [text her!]
1. You really didn't need to show me your penis for reference purposes. I have one of my own.
2. Two down one to go. Drinking vodka is giving me uncontrollable urges.
3. I'm sorry for telling you I wanted it from behind. The reason was I couldn't shout loud enough.
2. Two down one to go. Drinking vodka is giving me uncontrollable urges.
3. I'm sorry for telling you I wanted it from behind. The reason was I couldn't shout loud enough.
Edited 2017-01-06 18:30 (UTC)
I could have done without you trying to pull me into the bathroom.
1) He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
2) We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
3) We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
4) ((text him!))
2) We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
3) We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
4) ((text him!))
1. I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
2. 8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
3. And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
4. I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
5. (choose your own!)
2. 8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
3. And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
4. I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
5. (choose your own!)
1. So what if I asked you to make me a bath of instant noodles? It would feel good.
2. Yeah, that was me pissing in your shoe last night. The bathroom wasn't close enough.
3. I jerked off while listening to you talking. That so bad?
4. Working out in the nude increases my need to flex more.
2. Yeah, that was me pissing in your shoe last night. The bathroom wasn't close enough.
3. I jerked off while listening to you talking. That so bad?
4. Working out in the nude increases my need to flex more.
And it increases my need to do something else. Can you not at least put on pants?
1; Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfil" unprofessional?
2; It's the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
3; How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
4; there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
5; [text them!]
2; It's the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
3; How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
4; there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
5; [text them!]
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