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1: Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
2: I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
3: Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
4: And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
5: [Or text her!]
2: I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
3: Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
4: And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
5: [Or text her!]
( 1. ) He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me hard thinking about it.
( 2. ) I'm like, not good at living.
( 3. ) How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
( 4. ) Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again.
( 5. ) What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention.
( 6. ) Text him.
( 2. ) I'm like, not good at living.
( 3. ) How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
( 4. ) Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again.
( 5. ) What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention.
( 6. ) Text him.
1. I'm like, not good at living.
2. Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
3. Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank?
4. So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
5. [text him!]
2. Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
3. Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank?
4. So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
5. [text him!]
1. She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Captain America blanket.
2. Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again.
3. just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
4. Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess.
2. Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again.
3. just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
4. Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess.
1. People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
2. Does this mean I have to put a bra on now?
3. Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
4. It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
5. [text her!]
2. Does this mean I have to put a bra on now?
3. Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
4. It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
5. [text her!]
1) U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
2) having a vagina does not stop me from believing my balls are bigger than yours.
3) I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
4) God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
2) having a vagina does not stop me from believing my balls are bigger than yours.
3) I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
4) God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
- She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
- I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
- I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset.
- Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
- I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
- I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset.
- Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
i. Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
ii. Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
iii. This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
iv. Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
v. text her
(f/f for shipping, au's, misfires, everything else utterly welcome)
ii. Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
iii. This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
iv. Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
v. text her
(f/f for shipping, au's, misfires, everything else utterly welcome)
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my boobs?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
When you're really drunk, toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
When you're really drunk, toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
A. She bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
B. Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left.
C. I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
D. Just watch out - there's quite a bit of broken glass in your bed. Sleep tight.
B. Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left.
C. I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
D. Just watch out - there's quite a bit of broken glass in your bed. Sleep tight.
1. i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
2. He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
3. You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
4. Text her!
2. He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
3. You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
4. Text her!
1. I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
2. He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
3. of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
4. Text him!
2. He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
3. of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
4. Text him!
I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Apparently having her hold an open police report in front of me while eating her out doesn't count as research...
I think I sorta joined a cult last night
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Apparently having her hold an open police report in front of me while eating her out doesn't count as research...
I think I sorta joined a cult last night
i. He's worked out some sort of arrangement where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
ii. To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
iii. so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
iv. Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
v. text her
ii. To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
iii. so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
iv. Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
v. text her
♥ I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
♥ I want to be a jewellery store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it?"
♥ First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
♥ You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
♥ I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
♥ I want to be a jewellery store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it?"
♥ First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
♥ You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
♥ I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
1. I'm like, not good at living.
2. I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
3. Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
4. Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
5. [text him]
2. I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
3. Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
4. Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
5. [text him]
1. Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
2. Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
3. What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
4. drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
5. [text her]
2. Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
3. What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
4. drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
5. [text her]
01. apparently i was drunk enough to call the police station and ask if there was something wrong with me
02. we have a bucket list tonight. not done yet, need to climb a building
03. i'm laying here struggling with the idea that i need to put pants on
04. if you don't want me in your apartment you should lock your door better
02. we have a bucket list tonight. not done yet, need to climb a building
03. i'm laying here struggling with the idea that i need to put pants on
04. if you don't want me in your apartment you should lock your door better
[ F/M for shipping, OTA misfires. Civil War compliant, prefs here. ]
a. Three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'dinosaur jokes'.
b. Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
c. Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with vodka. I'm gonna have a badass scar.
d. or send your own
a. Three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'dinosaur jokes'.
b. Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
c. Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with vodka. I'm gonna have a badass scar.
d. or send your own
1. How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
2. Seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza.
3. You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar.
4. Or text him
2. Seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza.
3. You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar.
4. Or text him
1. I never thought I'd say this, but there's too many dicks around here.
2. You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat, I had to strip.
3. There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window. I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future.
4. Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for two slices.
Or text him! :>
2. You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat, I had to strip.
3. There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window. I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future.
4. Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for two slices.
Or text him! :>
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