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1: The cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
2: She sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
3: Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
4: There is a school bus full of Santas parked in front of the liquor store
5: A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
6: If I died would you start the Facebook group?
7: This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance... I am sorry about your trashed lair. Dad and Raph will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mikey is in the closet passed out.
8: Text him? Misfires etc welcomed.
2: She sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
3: Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
4: There is a school bus full of Santas parked in front of the liquor store
5: A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
6: If I died would you start the Facebook group?
7: This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance... I am sorry about your trashed lair. Dad and Raph will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mikey is in the closet passed out.
8: Text him? Misfires etc welcomed.
1. The guy sitting right behind me on the bus has an Ant-Man shirt and and ant farm in his bag. He’s feeding them with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
2. Saw some pubes in the toilet, hope your new look works out tonight.
3. We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
4. you googled "nude photos of superheroes you wouldn't expect to have nude photos of", puked into a bag and then laughed
5. all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that The Falcon is Captain America"
6. this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
7. Text her!
2. Saw some pubes in the toilet, hope your new look works out tonight.
3. We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
4. you googled "nude photos of superheroes you wouldn't expect to have nude photos of", puked into a bag and then laughed
5. all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that The Falcon is Captain America"
6. this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
7. Text her!
1. I know you wanted the thing from the store so I think either I bought the store or bought it for a day I can't really remember but the point is you can go in there and take whatever you want home.
2. He just keeps saying "I'm not comfortable sharing the specifics of my experiment" and I'm at this point 100% sure he's got his dick stuck in something.
3. Did you wink at me last night? I think you did. Pretty sure I didn't hallucinate it. Can't stop thinking about it, to be honest.
4. Not sure who the fake tinder profile is. Legal could've handled it but I thought it would be funnier to catfish them instead. Very close to getting them to agree to a meetup.
5. An intern asked if I usually visit my parents' graves that day and then an hour later put their resignation on my desk. I assume the level of mortification is off the charts.
6. I'm sure the news already made its way to you. The guy in R&D threatened to blow up the whole floor. It's been that kind of day. So you know. Pretty normal. For me.
7. I need people to stop touching me. If one more person puts their hand on my shoulder or my arm or my back I'm really just gonna lose it. Also handing me things. That needs to stop. Why am I at this party and you aren't? Why are you not here protecting me?
8. [Text him! Misfires, cross-canon, assumed CR all great! Prefs are in journal.]
2. He just keeps saying "I'm not comfortable sharing the specifics of my experiment" and I'm at this point 100% sure he's got his dick stuck in something.
3. Did you wink at me last night? I think you did. Pretty sure I didn't hallucinate it. Can't stop thinking about it, to be honest.
4. Not sure who the fake tinder profile is. Legal could've handled it but I thought it would be funnier to catfish them instead. Very close to getting them to agree to a meetup.
5. An intern asked if I usually visit my parents' graves that day and then an hour later put their resignation on my desk. I assume the level of mortification is off the charts.
6. I'm sure the news already made its way to you. The guy in R&D threatened to blow up the whole floor. It's been that kind of day. So you know. Pretty normal. For me.
7. I need people to stop touching me. If one more person puts their hand on my shoulder or my arm or my back I'm really just gonna lose it. Also handing me things. That needs to stop. Why am I at this party and you aren't? Why are you not here protecting me?
8. [Text him! Misfires, cross-canon, assumed CR all great! Prefs are in journal.]
1. well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever i want, man.
2. ...ok, fine. but i don't want to be a better person tonight. i'll be a better person tomorrow.
3. also i can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going.
4. are they still out there making out on the couch? how the fuck can we get them to leave?
5. just punched him in the balls. i've got photos
6. just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. def have the spirit now.
7. Or text him whatever!
2. ...ok, fine. but i don't want to be a better person tonight. i'll be a better person tomorrow.
3. also i can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going.
4. are they still out there making out on the couch? how the fuck can we get them to leave?
5. just punched him in the balls. i've got photos
6. just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. def have the spirit now.
7. Or text him whatever!
Edited 2022-12-09 05:04 (UTC)
1. You don't make any sense.
2. If you wanted fried chicken, you should have bought your own bucket.
3. Why did you make a hit-list last night containing only McDonalds?
4. I don't think my arm is broken, I can still text.
5. If you're worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldn't be there.
6. or text him. misfires welcome.
1- I am not speculating about which Disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes.
2- You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
3- He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text.
4- Sure. But we have to be quiet.
5- Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
2- You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
3- He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text.
4- Sure. But we have to be quiet.
5- Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
1) They brought over a whole TUB of pasta and I can't eat it because it might be poison. :( Life is really hard huh?
2) They keep texting about fire everywhere idk it sounds like a great time to me...
3) Do you think a rug could write??
4) You can totally have more than one best friend! You can also smooch your best friends! It's fine!
5) ((text him))
2) They keep texting about fire everywhere idk it sounds like a great time to me...
3) Do you think a rug could write??
4) You can totally have more than one best friend! You can also smooch your best friends! It's fine!
5) ((text him))
1| why do you assume i know anything about it?
2| hey did you know your phone number is written in like 3 different places here?
3| but if we don't solve the mystery of your drunken hook-up how will i laugh at you?
ooc| cross-canon is cool and i'd kill man for spider-man.
2| hey did you know your phone number is written in like 3 different places here?
3| but if we don't solve the mystery of your drunken hook-up how will i laugh at you?
ooc| cross-canon is cool and i'd kill man for spider-man.
1. I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
2. I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
3. he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
4. YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
5. I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
6. text him
1. dude people our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hot pockets
2. it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
3. he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
4. So I just sneezed blood everywhere. Sorry about your pillow.
5. I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
6. text them
1. He said he got laid but you and i both know he was too high to leave the house.
2. i think regret was the theme last night. I could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
3. he has a knack for choosing the wrong time to masturbate.
4. everyone agrees, they like your mother better drunk.
5. text her.
2. i think regret was the theme last night. I could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
3. he has a knack for choosing the wrong time to masturbate.
4. everyone agrees, they like your mother better drunk.
5. text her.
1. too late im going over there. im a bad example for all humans. do as I say not who i do
2. did i seriously kick a door down last night... and if so when where and how hard cause that shit i do not recall
3. he seems like a super lonely dude. i bet if i gave him a picture of my ass he wouldnt make me turn in this paper
4. i guess our biggest consolation is that we havent woken up in a hot tub with a dead dude yet
5. the heart of my unhappiness in my job is that its not a place where coworkers and i can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
6. [ text him/misfire ]
2. did i seriously kick a door down last night... and if so when where and how hard cause that shit i do not recall
3. he seems like a super lonely dude. i bet if i gave him a picture of my ass he wouldnt make me turn in this paper
4. i guess our biggest consolation is that we havent woken up in a hot tub with a dead dude yet
5. the heart of my unhappiness in my job is that its not a place where coworkers and i can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
6. [ text him/misfire ]
1) he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
2) just heard the best thing ever
calling peoples kids "fuck trophies"
3) sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
4) dont take glowsticks in the bath
they explode
actually...
do it its beautiful
((ooc: lmk if you want me to drop the red text))
2) just heard the best thing ever
calling peoples kids "fuck trophies"
3) sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
4) dont take glowsticks in the bath
they explode
actually...
do it its beautiful
((ooc: lmk if you want me to drop the red text))
1. are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting
2. yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at mcdonalds theyre tired of cleaning up after us
3. i think they can follow the trail of blood to my apartment if they have a problem with me hopping their fence last night before stepping on a 'broken bottle' that put three trident prongs in my torso
4. if they dont want me to bring a pomeranian to the oscars afterparty they need to tell me before i buy her a cute little dress
5. i tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldnt listen probably because i was holding a literal skeleton
2. yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at mcdonalds theyre tired of cleaning up after us
3. i think they can follow the trail of blood to my apartment if they have a problem with me hopping their fence last night before stepping on a 'broken bottle' that put three trident prongs in my torso
4. if they dont want me to bring a pomeranian to the oscars afterparty they need to tell me before i buy her a cute little dress
5. i tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldnt listen probably because i was holding a literal skeleton
1. care to explain why there's sushi in the cleaning block plate in the *bathroom*?
2. in one night, this guy threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three separate parties, and passed out in a tree in our lawnring. do you even know who he is?
3. he broke the door off the thermal hull trying to have an indoor rodeo, how the fuck do you *think* my night is going?
4. i will make a flying leap for your dick when i see you through the window.
5. you are not about to raise that baby antlerbeast, you can barely take care of yourself. return it to its nest or whatever right now.
2. in one night, this guy threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three separate parties, and passed out in a tree in our lawnring. do you even know who he is?
3. he broke the door off the thermal hull trying to have an indoor rodeo, how the fuck do you *think* my night is going?
4. i will make a flying leap for your dick when i see you through the window.
5. you are not about to raise that baby antlerbeast, you can barely take care of yourself. return it to its nest or whatever right now.
1. I'm sorry that the first time we hung out, you had to witness me throw up in the ocean and then army crawl to shore.
2. You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN on a dollar bill and said "for bail money." I already knew your PIN, by the way.
3. He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
4. At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
5. Look at the bright side: you now know the number for poison control.
2. You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN on a dollar bill and said "for bail money." I already knew your PIN, by the way.
3. He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
4. At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
5. Look at the bright side: you now know the number for poison control.
Edited 2022-12-09 05:38 (UTC)
1. For the last time, it's Gumbo!
2. Dude, fuck these noisy kids. Fuck all this light. And fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
3. You sat there for 20 minutes trying to seduce a picture of my dad.
4. I just saw someone pass a baby through the drive thru window at Dairy Queen.
5. How does that bad decision feel?
2. Dude, fuck these noisy kids. Fuck all this light. And fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
3. You sat there for 20 minutes trying to seduce a picture of my dad.
4. I just saw someone pass a baby through the drive thru window at Dairy Queen.
5. How does that bad decision feel?
1. iim about two 2ay 2crew iit and get drunk iin the hotel by my2elf.
2. ju2t hiit hiim wiith your car. ii can guarantee he wont do iit agaiin.
3. he told me he felt liike he 2hould 2ay thank you and a2 a priize ii could keep anythiing from hii2 room that ii wanted.
4. you called me iin the miiddle of the niight wandering the 2treet2 iin 2earch of what you called the ultiimate burriito.
5. everythiing2 fiine. iim ju2t layiing here and my piillow2 are two 2oft.
2. ju2t hiit hiim wiith your car. ii can guarantee he wont do iit agaiin.
3. he told me he felt liike he 2hould 2ay thank you and a2 a priize ii could keep anythiing from hii2 room that ii wanted.
4. you called me iin the miiddle of the niight wandering the 2treet2 iin 2earch of what you called the ultiimate burriito.
5. everythiing2 fiine. iim ju2t layiing here and my piillow2 are two 2oft.
1. omg i just made best friends with a deer. i'm like the drunk santa claus
2. everyone at the party is under the impression we're married, just so you know
3. i'll always be here to give you immoral support!
4. i'm just going to glue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
5. [wildcard!]
2. everyone at the party is under the impression we're married, just so you know
3. i'll always be here to give you immoral support!
4. i'm just going to glue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
5. [wildcard!]
1) Some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
2) So, I slept on a park bench last night.
3) I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry.
4) I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest.
5) I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
2) So, I slept on a park bench last night.
3) I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry.
4) I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest.
5) I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
1. it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body.
2. Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
3. If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so.
4. Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
5. We still on for Manwhore Monday?
6. [ text him ]
[001] i just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes.
[002] woke up with a bed full of sand... care to explain?
[003] i don't remember getting hit with the door. i just came out of the bathroom with blood running down my face.
[004] sexual frustration city.
population: me
[etc.] wild. text him instead! misfires welcome.
[002] woke up with a bed full of sand... care to explain?
[003] i don't remember getting hit with the door. i just came out of the bathroom with blood running down my face.
[004] sexual frustration city.
population: me
[etc.] wild. text him instead! misfires welcome.
1. Wait, you like me?? For my personality??
2. Kinda got kicked out of the bar and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed.
3. I head butted the bar and busted my lip open, but you should see the bar.
4. It's like if you want to bond let's smoke together or have sex. You don't have to be weird about it.
5. I used my one call to request Iron Maiden on the radio station playing in the jail. Worth it.
2. Kinda got kicked out of the bar and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed.
3. I head butted the bar and busted my lip open, but you should see the bar.
4. It's like if you want to bond let's smoke together or have sex. You don't have to be weird about it.
5. I used my one call to request Iron Maiden on the radio station playing in the jail. Worth it.
1. Please don't ironically join a cult.
2. Let the record show that I hate you.
3. You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything. Nothing good was going to come from that.
4. At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
5. Wildcard
2. Let the record show that I hate you.
3. You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything. Nothing good was going to come from that.
4. At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
5. Wildcard
one. Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself.
two. I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
three. I'm not a morning person. Trust me. No matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
four. I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
five. I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk.
wild. text him. misfires welcome.
two. I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
three. I'm not a morning person. Trust me. No matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
four. I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
five. I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk.
wild. text him. misfires welcome.
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