[even on the screen, despite writing those words, they "ring" hollow. he's left looking at them for a time, finding himself wondering why they're there and whether he believes them or not.
cause i grew up with you. i know how your eyes widen and then crimp on the sides when you're trying not to cry, the way the corners of your mouth quiver when you stammer.
[of course he knew. katsuki always knew. it didn't make it any easier to hear, however. or easy to respond to. he just wanted the floor to swallow him up.]
[he's quiet for the longest time. weighing his own options, things he's been dancing around for god knows how long. the gross little sick feeling that had settled deep in his belly.]
you used to call me weak when i was weak. you'd let me know when i was doing something wrong. when i was being pathetic. you've always been honest in your assessments of me. they've always been true. you called me ugly too.
i haven't changed. gotten grosser, maybe. the scars. my hands are a mess.
it wouldn't make sense for you to change your mind, kacchan.
[he was waiting for that. at some point, it was going to burst open. for all his kindness and gentleness, izuku was still human. and katsuki's aware of the damage he'd done to him. all might had brought that reality up to him as they watched izuku train. regret, guilt, atonement, correction...]
i know.
i said all of those things to you because i didn't want to admit that no matter what i did, i couldn't shake the feeling that you were always ahead of me. better than me. the only way i could make myself rise above you was to continually drag you back and put you down.
you've been weak, wrong, and pathetic before... but so have i. and i didn't want to look at my own imperfections. so i focused on yours.
i've seen you change and grow. you've gotten strong, the path you're walking isn't wrong, and the only really pathetic thing here is how i treated you.
[ ... keep going. ]
you're not ugly or gross. those scars show everything you've overcome to be the hero you always were. there's nothing disgusting about that.
i've changed my mind about a lot of things, deku. you're not the only one who's grown up. i can't afford to stay back here with my old, pathetic self. i'm moving forward too.
[he leans back on his bed. even if this changes nothing between them...]
and for the record, you're always cruising between "cute" and "hot" now.
[only human, with the tendency to bottle everything up so it lay forgotten in the pit of his stomach. until it forces its way to his throat, too big to swallow back down.
his eyes mist over as he reads katsuki's words. he appreciated every letter, mumbling the words as he read them out loud. things he longed to hear tumbling from his own mouth, with a hand squeezing against his chest. it hurt in the way stitches do, when removing them from a healing wound. when bits of thread catch on healed over flesh, reminding of the hurt which scarred him.
izuku doesn't know how to hold it all. how to respond. he wants to say something profound, to admit some truths. to help bridge the gap.]
kaachn
[he messes up immediately. which feels... very much like him. a whine of a sad little laugh sticks in the base of his throat as he presses his forehead against his desk.
a calming breath, thick from emotion, and he tries again:]
i believe you. i believe you, kacchan. i'm sorry... for not.
i want... to write so many things but i don't know how.
[izuku's not the only one who bottles up emotions and feelings, stuffing them down inside so other people can't see them and realize he actually wrestles with those same problems as the "imperfect" extras katsuki so often looks down on. and yet, izuku's the only one who's seen katsuki's turmoil inside, bared to him that evening in front of u.a. after his first loss and again ripped open raw and screaming that night in ground beta.
this isn't the same as those, but it's similar. voicing thoughts and feelings he's long struggled with inside. each one takes a monumental force from him, but katsuki is stronger than his own damn past. his pride is massive, all-consuming, so important, but fuck if he's going to let that control him! he... has to say these things. confront the person he was in the past. deal with them mountain he created one damn stone at a time.
thing is, katsuki doesn't expect izuku to respond in any way matching what he said. he knows the other boy too well to think he'll say something in rage or pain back. for as horrible as he'd been to him, katsuki's aware izuku's already forgiven him long ago. and perhaps it's not the forgiveness he's after with this... it's izuku's own healing that he wants to help.
izuku is someone who's far more willing to hate himself than hate someone else.]
i know.
[that's all he can say right now. accepting izuku's words and feelings. he could say many other things. but no. this is enough.]
[the two words burn into him, and makes him grow quiet.
his thumbs moving across the screen, trying so desperately to get something out. just a sliver. maybe it would relieve this growing pressure that was wrapping tight around his chest.
'i'm sorry i'm like this'
he holds his thumb on the backspace.
'can i see y'
backspace.
'i want'
more backspace, this time a strained exhale flaring his nostrils. it was the most frustrating thing in the world, to feel so much yet being incapable to voice how he felt.
so. finally. after what feels like ages, he resigns himself to a lighter:]
[katsuki doesn't want to pressure izuku into replying or to stay quiet. telling him "it's fine if you don't say anything" would just imply he should stay quiet. telling him more would make izuku feel like he had to say something. neither of which are useful. it should be izuku's decision.
he understands he just dropped a lot on him, and crashed into something the other boy's spent years believing. so fucking what?! he'll crash into it and see what happens! catch izuku if he calls or watch him keep standing. either's fine!
well, it's not like he expects izuku to pour out a report. the guy freezes up on interviews and can flub over shit during presentations. and listening to him ramble about this crap would be annoying...
...
...
... so much "..." typing! ... and finally comes out with... that.]
no. you reach it. when your angry, focused, or letting your mind wander.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
no subject
no.]
forget how to understand japanese, deku?
no subject
im not
you... cant be serious??
[this isn't making sense to his poor brain. rip deku.]
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
i'm ugly.
no one... looks at me like that.
no one has ever looked at me like that.
no subject
pathetic.
is that what you tell yourself when you look in the mirror?
[says the guy who spent ten years telling izuku he was ugly and worse.]
you're not ugly.
no subject
a lot of people say it.
i'm not deaf.
[he remembers.]
thanks, kacchan.
i'm going to head to bed now.
no subject
of course izuku remembers.]
they're wrong.
[ ... ]
so was i.
no subject
it's fine, really!
i'm fine.
it doesn't even matter?
i have other things to worry about.
so. let's drop it. i don't..
want this.
you've never lied to me before kacchan
please don't start over something that doesn't mean anything
no subject
is it worse cause you think i'm lying?
or cause you know i'm telling the truth?
no subject
how do you know what face i'm making??
[probably because it was obvious. but he furiously wipes his tears away on his sleeve anyway.]
it isn't true, though.
no subject
are you calling me a liar?
no subject
[of course he knew. katsuki always knew. it didn't make it any easier to hear, however. or easy to respond to. he just wanted the floor to swallow him up.]
i don't want to.
no subject
or he can leave him alone and not push this reality onto him and let him go back to thinking a lie is true... which is also a cruel thing to do.]
something else you can ask pikachu.
see if the support department can come up with a way to collect that electricity one for all generates. you could get a good stun burst off it.
no subject
you used to call me weak when i was weak.
you'd let me know when i was doing something wrong.
when i was being pathetic.
you've always been honest in your assessments of me.
they've always been true.
you called me ugly too.
i haven't changed.
gotten grosser, maybe.
the scars.
my hands are a mess.
it wouldn't make sense for you to change your mind, kacchan.
[he fumbles that out, feeling messy about it.]
...i'll write that down and keep it in mind.
no subject
i know.
i said all of those things to you because i didn't want to admit that no matter what i did, i couldn't shake the feeling that you were always ahead of me. better than me. the only way i could make myself rise above you was to continually drag you back and put you down.
you've been weak, wrong, and pathetic before... but so have i. and i didn't want to look at my own imperfections. so i focused on yours.
i've seen you change and grow. you've gotten strong, the path you're walking isn't wrong, and the only really pathetic thing here is how i treated you.
[ ... keep going. ]
you're not ugly or gross. those scars show everything you've overcome to be the hero you always were. there's nothing disgusting about that.
i've changed my mind about a lot of things, deku. you're not the only one who's grown up. i can't afford to stay back here with my old, pathetic self. i'm moving forward too.
[he leans back on his bed. even if this changes nothing between them...]
and for the record, you're always cruising between "cute" and "hot" now.
no subject
his eyes mist over as he reads katsuki's words. he appreciated every letter, mumbling the words as he read them out loud. things he longed to hear tumbling from his own mouth, with a hand squeezing against his chest. it hurt in the way stitches do, when removing them from a healing wound. when bits of thread catch on healed over flesh, reminding of the hurt which scarred him.
izuku doesn't know how to hold it all. how to respond. he wants to say something profound, to admit some truths. to help bridge the gap.]
kaachn
[he messes up immediately. which feels... very much like him. a whine of a sad little laugh sticks in the base of his throat as he presses his forehead against his desk.
a calming breath, thick from emotion, and he tries again:]
i believe you. i believe you, kacchan. i'm sorry... for not.
i want... to write so many things but i don't know how.
[he wished he knew.]
no subject
this isn't the same as those, but it's similar. voicing thoughts and feelings he's long struggled with inside. each one takes a monumental force from him, but katsuki is stronger than his own damn past. his pride is massive, all-consuming, so important, but fuck if he's going to let that control him! he... has to say these things. confront the person he was in the past. deal with them mountain he created one damn stone at a time.
thing is, katsuki doesn't expect izuku to respond in any way matching what he said. he knows the other boy too well to think he'll say something in rage or pain back. for as horrible as he'd been to him, katsuki's aware izuku's already forgiven him long ago. and perhaps it's not the forgiveness he's after with this... it's izuku's own healing that he wants to help.
izuku is someone who's far more willing to hate himself than hate someone else.]
i know.
[that's all he can say right now. accepting izuku's words and feelings. he could say many other things. but no. this is enough.]
no subject
his thumbs moving across the screen, trying so desperately to get something out. just a sliver. maybe it would relieve this growing pressure that was wrapping tight around his chest.
'i'm sorry i'm like this'
he holds his thumb on the backspace.
'can i see y'
backspace.
'i want'
more backspace, this time a strained exhale flaring his nostrils. it was the most frustrating thing in the world, to feel so much yet being incapable to voice how he felt.
so. finally. after what feels like ages, he resigns himself to a lighter:]
'hot' might be pushing it, though.
no subject
he understands he just dropped a lot on him, and crashed into something the other boy's spent years believing. so fucking what?! he'll crash into it and see what happens! catch izuku if he calls or watch him keep standing. either's fine!
well, it's not like he expects izuku to pour out a report. the guy freezes up on interviews and can flub over shit during presentations. and listening to him ramble about this crap would be annoying...
...
...
... so much "..." typing! ... and finally comes out with... that.]
no. you reach it. when your angry, focused, or letting your mind wander.