Han Swolo (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
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bakerstreet2018-06-22 07:34 am
hanswolo) wrote in bakerstreet2018-06-22 07:34 am
Entry tags:
1. Oh, cool. Tonight didn't end with murder.
2. LISTEN UP MOTHERFUCKER. I WILL FUCK YOU UP. I WILL FUCK YOU AND YOUR LITTLE DOG TOO UP. I WILL FUCK YOU AND YOUR MOM AND YOUR MOM'S MOM UP. Try me.
3. So THAT'S where my Pringles went.
4. You didn't really like your car, did you?
5. Choose your own adventure.
2. LISTEN UP MOTHERFUCKER. I WILL FUCK YOU UP. I WILL FUCK YOU AND YOUR LITTLE DOG TOO UP. I WILL FUCK YOU AND YOUR MOM AND YOUR MOM'S MOM UP. Try me.
3. So THAT'S where my Pringles went.
4. You didn't really like your car, did you?
5. Choose your own adventure.
I don't know who you're trying to threaten but I haven't done shit to deserve this.
Re: 4 - I apologize, it was there and I couldn't stop myself
boom_queen
- 2018-06-23 02:22 (UTC) - Expand1. And then my roommate must have thought I was asleep but I SO wasn't asleep.
2. So if you lick freezing cold metal your tongue might get stuck to it. What if you lick your nipple and stick your nipple to freezing cold metal?
3. And then he said "I wear my sunglasses at night".
4. Are the 80s suddenly not cool?
5. Choose your own adventure.
2. So if you lick freezing cold metal your tongue might get stuck to it. What if you lick your nipple and stick your nipple to freezing cold metal?
3. And then he said "I wear my sunglasses at night".
4. Are the 80s suddenly not cool?
5. Choose your own adventure.
Edited 2018-06-22 14:38 (UTC)
Two things:
1- Jubes, what the hell.
2- I don't think people can lick their own nipples.
1- Jubes, what the hell.
2- I don't think people can lick their own nipples.
1) And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
2) Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
3) It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
4) Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
5) Text him!
2) Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
3) It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
4) Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
5) Text him!
1. I just found peanut butter between my tits. Of course it's your fault.
2. The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite, and I refuse to apologize for either.
3. He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
4. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam. Come get me immediately.
5. You licked the makeup off my face. All of it. So no, I don't particularly want to talk to you right now.
6. [Text him!]
2. The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite, and I refuse to apologize for either.
3. He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
4. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam. Come get me immediately.
5. You licked the makeup off my face. All of it. So no, I don't particularly want to talk to you right now.
6. [Text him!]
1. Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
2. My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
3. The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
4. How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
5. So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
6. Text him!
2. My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
3. The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
4. How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
5. So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
6. Text him!
Your Communications Officer is currently in possession of my underwear.
She won them two rounds later with a straight flush in diamonds.
She won them two rounds later with a straight flush in diamonds.
1 ⥤ he was spoonfeeding me wine all night
2 ⥤ i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
3 ⥤ my mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club
4 ⥤ i have no morals
kinda like you have no standards
5 ⥤ or text him!
2 ⥤ i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
3 ⥤ my mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club
4 ⥤ i have no morals
kinda like you have no standards
5 ⥤ or text him!
1. The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
2. DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
3. My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
4. We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
5. I wear drunk well.
6. Text him!
2. DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
3. My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
4. We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
5. I wear drunk well.
6. Text him!
1 - In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
2 - Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
3 - You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
4 - After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
5 - I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
6 - Text him!
2 - Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
3 - You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
4 - After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
5 - I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
6 - Text him!
1. Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
2. You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
3. As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
2. You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
3. As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
1. LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
2. I left the party 20 min ago...just thought I would tell you so you wouldn't think I fell in the lake again
3. That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
4. And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
5. Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
6. Wildcard, TEXT HIM!
2. I left the party 20 min ago...just thought I would tell you so you wouldn't think I fell in the lake again
3. That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
4. And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
5. Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
6. Wildcard, TEXT HIM!
1. If he has a beard, chances are that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
2. Hurry I’m alone dressed as a prostitute eating French fries
3. LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN?!
4. Had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
5. Text her!
2. Hurry I’m alone dressed as a prostitute eating French fries
3. LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN?!
4. Had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
5. Text her!
And so I may not put it on the resume, but you and I will always know I built the world's greatest sex toy on a bet.
Yet somehow, I feel you are the victor despite me technically winning the wager.
Yet somehow, I feel you are the victor despite me technically winning the wager.
1 THERE’S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
2. Sorry, I’m on a strict diet of vodka and regret
3. I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
4. I Woke up with blood and cuts on my face and I don’t remember anything after winning four rounds of beer pong in a row last night. And I’m still drunk
5.Text her!
2. Sorry, I’m on a strict diet of vodka and regret
3. I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
4. I Woke up with blood and cuts on my face and I don’t remember anything after winning four rounds of beer pong in a row last night. And I’m still drunk
5.Text her!
1. You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
2. but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
3. What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
4. don't seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
5. [text him!]
2. but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
3. What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
4. don't seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
5. [text him!]
Because I think it might be. A long, complicated, telenovela-esque dramatic type with mystery and random bouts of angstfucking.
Or just. Ridiculous fucking.
There's a lot of fucking.
Or just. Ridiculous fucking.
There's a lot of fucking.
a| We just got back. I shouldn't have to come pick you up from the police station already.
b| You know what? I'm not even going to ask about the lion masks.
c| It's 3AM. I'm tired. Please just let me sleep.
d| I don't know if you remember, but you kissed me last night. Then, you slapped me and said 'Don't take so long next time.'
e| ( text him! )
b| You know what? I'm not even going to ask about the lion masks.
c| It's 3AM. I'm tired. Please just let me sleep.
d| I don't know if you remember, but you kissed me last night. Then, you slapped me and said 'Don't take so long next time.'
e| ( text him! )
there's no way i did something like that
...........................is there?
...........................is there?
1. I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my butthole. Ive been sober and out of town for a week--are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
2. I woke up on the couch at 5:42 am hungover craving some ribs but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. Man, what a breakfast.
3. I'm drunk and looking for my charger- title of my autobiography
4. If he has a beard chances are thats an open invitation to sit on his face
2. I woke up on the couch at 5:42 am hungover craving some ribs but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. Man, what a breakfast.
3. I'm drunk and looking for my charger- title of my autobiography
4. If he has a beard chances are thats an open invitation to sit on his face
Dude, lukewarm beer is the nectar of the gods. It's what keeps people alive in trying times.
Pretty sure that's in the bible.
Pretty sure that's in the bible.
1. THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
2. Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
3. I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
4. I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
5. Text Him.
( Aged up to at least 18+ thanks! )
i. What the fuck happened anyway? How did it go from smoothies after class to blacking out?
ii. I have a weird question. Did you bite my back last night?
iii. I left the party 20 minutes ago ... just thought I would tell you so you wouldn't think I fell in the river again.
iv. Since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night??
v. Or text him!
1. THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
2. I woke up with blood and cuts on my face and I don't remember anything after winning four games of Asgardian ale pong in a row last night. And I'm still drunk
3. Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
4. According to the calendar event that I put in my phone last night,I'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today. I really hope I didn't miss something important
5. Text him at your own risk
2. I woke up with blood and cuts on my face and I don't remember anything after winning four games of Asgardian ale pong in a row last night. And I'm still drunk
3. Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
4. According to the calendar event that I put in my phone last night,I'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today. I really hope I didn't miss something important
5. Text him at your own risk
i. Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
ii. I woke up with blood and cuts on my face and I don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. And I'm still drunk.
iii. You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight.
iv. I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
v. Or text her!
1. Did you replace all my t-shirts with crop tops?
2. He slapped my ass and the clap-on light turned on.
3. Yes I could be the better man but I could also punch the bigot in the dick instead and I like the second option better.
4. What happened anyway? How did we go from smoothies after training to blacking out?
5. {Or text him}
2. He slapped my ass and the clap-on light turned on.
3. Yes I could be the better man but I could also punch the bigot in the dick instead and I like the second option better.
4. What happened anyway? How did we go from smoothies after training to blacking out?
5. {Or text him}
i. Sorry for the late response. Was on Vanaheim for 6 months.
ii. I need something from you. Video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. It will make me smile.
iii. Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
iv. Maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkward at all.
v. Or text him!
I have no doubts it would get a laugh out of people but I don't think this text was meant for me.
i. How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts?
ii. I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
iii. Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
iv. The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite.
v. Or text him!
If shaking one's head constitutes as a response, then I did. I've seen better.
1. Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
2. I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
3. 'member that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
4. would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
5. you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
2. I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
3. 'member that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
4. would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
5. you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
1. You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
2. I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
3. Let the clothes fall where they may.
4. You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
5. [Text her.]
2. I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
3. Let the clothes fall where they may.
4. You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
5. [Text her.]
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