bakerstreet | The slowest burn is the most painful

[ For a moment she just stares at him bitterly like this motherfucker. This motherfucker is really gonna sit here and pretend he didn't hear to put a damn shirt on. Seething just a little. But if he is going to compartmentalize, so can she. ]

He pretended it was his idea to delay the celebration, a reaction to my many qualms.

[ More qualms by the second!!! This is how people kill their husbands. This exactly.

Rey doesn't get back on the bed. Like, it might as well be "the bed is lava" right now because she's just standing there with her datapad in hand off the edge of her own damn bed. ]

That's a good sign. He's trying to ingratiate himself to me. [ She scoffs. As if that would ever happen. She'd wanted to rip his throat open the whole time. ] Smart move. [ Admittedly. ] Especially when he might fail to get rid of me after I kill you.

[ She seems to consider if she's actually really seriously going to kill him after marrying him and then shrugs. ]

After he hopes I kill you, that is.

Edited 2018-05-04 17:07 (UTC)

[ SMDH her qualms are her husband is attractive and she wants to fuck him. You know Rey I wish I had your qualms right about now.

And he-- he will just hum thoughtfully after she gives her report and just pop another grape into his mouth as he continues reading through little feed on his datapad. Wtf is he reading? FirstOrderBook? FacistBook??? "armitage hux is now supreme leader at the first order" / "it's complicated with kylo ren". lord have mercy now i want it to be real. ]

Good. [ OH my god they are back to being on the same page and the bond is open again and his reaction is TO DO THAT JACK ASS THING WHERE HE DOESNT REACT TO HER BITCHING AT ALL AGAIN. ] You can lay back down, Rey. I'm not really there.

[ Oh no he is being the Worst. this is how it's gonna go.

At the very least he is considerate enough to not bring up her little stunt in his shower. If only because he think he has finally managed to tug himself dry and he is actively trying to Not Think about it. ]

[ The bed is lava, Ben. The bed is lava.

Rey doesn't wholly appreciate being called out on her refusal to get in it with him, either. It means drawing attention to the fact that she's being weird about this — but really isn't he the one being weird by being so damn comfortable? He's acting like they've been married for years, laying around without his shirt and eating in bed. Honestly.

A tinge of red works its way into her cheeks as she looks down at the space beside him. He's just casually reading. It shouldn't look like a pit of vipers to her, but it does. The more she entangles herself in him, the worse it's going to hurt if he lets her down. Again. ]

You tried to kill me.

[ She shouldn't have to remind him of that. ]

I'll stand.

[ My bracket text is just gonna keep repeating itself she can think this is weird as much as she damn well wants. She opened this pandora's box by servicing herself IN HIS SHOWER WHILE HE WAS IN THE OTHER ROOM.

Like he was just worried he'd have to think about her in there or maybe she'd accidentally use his towel, or just come out buckass naked like it was Normal because that seems like something Rey would do.

But it was so much worse. So. Much. Worse.

Which means he's not moving his shirtless ass an inch ]

And we've agreed you'll probably attempt to murder me this time around. [ STOP FLIRTING AND JUST FUCK. ] I can put a pillow down if you'd like.

[ Stop being stubborn about this Kylo. Stop being Kylo Ren. Just. Use the lift. get to her level. Sneak into her room wtf are you doing. ]

[ THE SERVICING HERSELF AND THE FEELING AWKWARD ARE CONNECTED, OK. Especially being aware that he is aware that she was—

Oh, kriff, what a mess they've made. (She's made.) (He helped.) ]

I wasn't—

[ Oh man she's just gonna plunge headfirst in this. Okay. No. She can do this. She presses her lips together, flustered and frustrated and ready to maybe hack his head off with a lightsaber right now to save them both some trouble. ]

Look, about earlier.

[ The red in her face darkens. Luckily the lights are fairly dim about now so it's not that easy to see the color in her face in the first place. She doesn't even know what she's trying to say, but she knows they should say something about it. ]

It didn't mean anything. [ WOw. Filed under worst possible things you could have said. ] I wasn't trying to … [ This is literally the worst thing that's happened to her ever. And she like … almost died of starvation on numerous occasions. ] I didn't think you could hear.

[ Her ears are now also red. ]

Regardless of what you did hear, I still don't want … this. [ She gestures to the space of bed between them. ] Do you understand?

[ Wow Rey. He was just gonna ignore it and never bring it up, like it never happened. And now you just brought it up and put it right here on the bed and it's just there and everyone has to now acknowledge the existence of Rey of Jakku fucking her fingers and pretending it was Kylo Ren in there with her.

You know I said ten tags and you've just gone and made it harder (huehue) for yourself.

Kylo, in the mean time, is-- confused that she brought it up, but you know. Gonna listen patiently. Even stops scrolling through his feed to stop double tapping TBT pix of Darth Vader with his squad. He really wishes he could have just lived in ignorance of what she did in his shower. Both because he wanted to avoid this and now he can't think about taking a shower with out getting like half chub. You've created an issue for him Rey. ]

What I said before is still true. I don't expect anything, I'm not forcing you into anything.

[ Again. No marital rape. Please. He's not about that life and--

He's still baffled they are both just casually talking about how they're going to get married. Should he like.

Look up how the whole. Marriage thing goes down? Does he need to write vows???? Like honestly his vows will be just to quietly and broodily stare into the distance. And she can murder him.

Perfect. ]

That didn't change anything. [ Yes it did. I think I can safely say that both of you now have a running loop of what it would feel like to just fuck the other silly going on in your heads.

You know what. Lets divert to a topic which is surely less loaded and embarrassing then diddling oneself in the other's shower. ] You're lonely, though. Without Dameron here.

[ kylo stop. just take off your pants that will help this situation more. ]

[ For a while there, she's just nodding her head like yes. Yes, all this sounds agreeable. Acceptable. Good.

Good.

Yes, they can just be platonically married allies on opposite sides who also happen to masturbate to the thought of one another. That's a relationship status supported by FascistBook. Totally on the same page. This is all going to work out, and—

Then he says Poe's name ?? ? And Rey just looks horrified and confused. ]

Poe and I are not— [ Her expression contorts. ] R'iia's shorts, Kylo! I wasn't having sex with him!

[ HOW IS THAT RELATED TO ANY OF WHAT SHE'D JUST SAID. ]

[ ??????--- NO.

SHIT NO WE HAD THAT THREAD NO. He's actually going to visually react to that accusation like. Not A TON but eyes OPENING WIDER and looking at her with surprise just. ]

No-- That's not what I -- [ LADY NO. He's sure you would have had SEVERAL DIFFERENT REACTIONS IF YOU WERE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH POE ] -- When we touched hands earlier.

[ YOU WERE ACTUALLY JUST LONELY WITH OUT POE AROUND BECAUSE YOU ARE IN THE HEART OF THE FIRST ORDER AND HE IMAGINES THAT MUST FEEL.

KILL HIM

OR JUST FUCK HIM ] I didn't think you or Poe were.... [ UGGGGGGGGGGGGGH WHY IS HE HAVING THIS CONVERSATION ] together.

[ Oh.

Well, IT WAS A BIG SEGUE. AWAY FROM … It made sense for her to think that. She's digging her heels in on that. It seemed like an obvious segue from connecting her need to furious masturbate in his shower to the idea that maybe she'd just lost her friend with benefits. The implication was definitely that she could have otherwise just ridden Poe's dick to get her yayas out.

But apparently not an intentional implication. Now she just feels like an idiot. That wasn't weird cagey jealousy? Well, it wouldn't have been his business anyway, even if she had been. Which is why she … clarified …

Whatever. ]

Oh.

[ Then he just … cared about her feelings. Great. That's a segue she should have utilized and instead made sexual, which just goes to show where her head's at. ]

It's fine. [ She looks like she doesn't know what to do with herself now. ] I didn't come here thinking I'd make friends. This isn't about me.

[ When you accidentally martyr the Last Jedi. gg, Resistance. But also she'd been alright down in the mess and bonded with some troopers and that was fine. She didn't know their names because they didn't have names, but you know. Whatever. She'll find them again … somehow … ]

I know how to be alone.

[ Way to sound like a reality TV show contestant, Rey. Jesus. And excuse him, he's honestly thinking of handing Rey a pillow so she can smother him. Like

He'd feel bad for saying "I don't think you've been in a relationship yet given how you're handling all of this" but I mean-- That's precisely what he's feeling right now. Just not. Gonna say it. Cool. Let's hop off the topic of Kylo being able to spot Rey's virgin ass ten miles away. He's good with that.

Deep introspective thinky thoughts. ]

Knowing how to be alone doesn't mean you like being alone. [ Says the dude in the universe who understands her the most.

And he's just gonna... stop that sentence for a moment. Because he is on the verge of saying something that will Definitely make her feel like he's working her right now. Or is totally not okay with her not wanting to touch him or be in a room with him. Which... is the honest to god truth but why cop to that tbh??? ]

I promise I won't try to touch you. Please lay down, Rey.

[ You standing up and being all jumpy is making him nervous

Not unlike his chest and really good arms are makin you nervous Rey. Don't think about them next to you in bed. ]

[ Why does everyone (including Kylo Ren) think that she's the victim of Kylo Ren's seductive techniques ??? Why isn't anyone considering that SHE might try to touch HIM? But she's not pointing that out because acknowledging her thirst maxed out at 'me masturbating to you in your shower wasn't about you.' A real argument she made. Wow.

Anyway, she's softened a bit by his understanding. But softened is dangerous in this context. She doesn't want to be off her guard. Still she slowly … slides onto the edge of the bed, perching more than sitting. ]

Will it stay like this?

[ She sounds a little shaky. ]

After Hux is dealt with and it's just you and me. [ Wow. That's a lot. She's been trying to avoid thinking about it because the big sucking black hole in the pit of her stomach opens up every time she does. It's a huge thing. ] Will we stay on this ship? [ What she's really asking, she supposes, is — ] Do you live like this?

[ Look-- he hasn't considered HOW thirsty she is. He's still like "Maybe she just did that to get to my head????", Kylo Ren has no understanding of how much she destroys her panties for him. As evidenced by the fact that he is just casually lounging shirtless and presses up against her whenever and talks to her about sexual bullshit but doESNT GET THAT MAYBE HE'S RILING HER UP.

Again. Kylo. Just use her refresher and start moaning her name.

He watches her move and then-- diverts his attention back to his data pad. More for her sake so he stops assaulting her with Pretty Eyes (and cute angles). ] I haven't given it much thought.

[ Like-- anything after the wedding much thought. If he operated on his own he would be able to just do whatever he wanted with out being accountable to much-- anyone. But Rey suddenly being his intended threw a wrench into everything in........... multiple ways. Not just the "I gotta make sure we don't get killed" way, but in order to get out of this with their necks in tact he had to work with people he normally wouldn't have worked with. People who would have their own agendas and wants and he'd have to bend to them otherwise they could justifiably use the favors he asked for against him. And working with people outside of the First Order and changing the First Order means-- well. The very beast itself is going to change. How much would his own role change? Especially outside of war?

But-- Rey didn't ask for this. She didn't seem hungry for power or control or anything but making sure there was peace. And what good would it be to keep her chained to his side if she was miserable the entire time? ]

I try to not be on this ship as often as possible. [ Running around and doing scouting missions and generally terrorizing people and pulling information out from people's minds had been his gig. And it was hard to break that routine when it had been all he'd known.

And yea. Again. Peace. Now that that was looking to be a thing... where the heck does Kylo Ren fit into all of that? ] I thought-- that it would be best if you could go where you wanted.

[ Super First Lady status. Just go around and be the diplomatic peaceful face for the human dumpster known as Kylo Ren. And also not sit around and look absofuckinglutely miserable with him. ]

[ There's something she wants to say, something on the tip of her tongue that she's wrestling with. It's clear in her expression, and clearer still in the bond. Some kind of yearning tension in her chest. She's nervous — maybe she doesn't quite trust him with it, or maybe she's just afraid that she's already lost it and she's being delusional to want whatever it is in the first place.

But it seems to bring her some small degree of pain and fear and loneliness. She scoots further up onto the bed, settling back into her spot, pulling the covers over her while she works on how to phrase it. ]

I want a home.

[ There's no point to not telling him that. Sooner or later, it'd have to come out, or he'd feel it through the Bond, or see it in her dreams, or— ]

Seeing the galaxy, of course, is something we'll have to do. We can't make change from a throne. But I want a home, someplace that's mine. [ She looks up at him. ] Ours. [ Stars, that's weird. ] That's not cold like this place. Where I can see the people I love.

[ He feels her shift, the sway in her emotions and chances a glance her direction. He's just... letting her speak her thoughts and it's a bit wild right now. Being subject to her emotions again. He'd forgotten how clear and raw they were. No hiding here, just full on Rey.

Which is really what he loved about her and what makes what she says hard for him to swallow.

As soon as she states what she wants he's-- just. A little on edge. Of course she wants a home. A home with friends and family and people who knew how to make more than like. Two or three expression tops. He'd thought she'd know he was trying to let her find her own way and then--

"Ours".

That just-- brings his entire mind to a halt. Full on dead halt. He barely catches what she says after that. Which means when he finally turns to look at her fully his face is just. Open and honest and a lot like a little boys and not the monster he's grown to be. ]

You want a home with me?

[ One part is disbelief because-- who ever wants to return somewhere to Kylo Ren. And the other part is-- well. She's sort of told him several times she doesn't want to fake this relationship. She doesn't want intimacy with him. Hell she doesn't want to share a room with him. But she wants to include him in this nebulous concept of "home". ]

[ Somehow that sounds more committal than the mere fact that THEY ARE GETTING MARRIED. Like that's the real deal, when he puts it out there. Rey balks. Shifts uncomfortably under his gaze. After a few uneasy seconds, she admits, ]

That's the deal, isn't it?

[ They'll be in each other's company, sharing things. A unit. She doesn't understand political marriage, so it doesn't quite occur to her that there's a version of this where they're almost never on the same planet. ]

If it's my home, it's yours too.

[ He's kinda feeling that way too because he just assumed like. There'd be a ceremony thing where they just stood there awkwardly and then they'd like take a few weeks at most to oust Hux and then she would just

Like peace out.

Even ask if they could just annul the entire thing or divorce or just... murder him??? so-- He's having a hard time processing this too, Rey. Like. This is now mixed signals territory.

(and by mixed signals we mean he just needs to get naked with her and then it will all be One Signal) ]

You don't-- want to be with me though. [ He sort of just. Looks around because, she isn't even in the same room as him and he's...

Just a little panicked at the idea of like. Having to share a home with her but like. Never be in the same room with her??? He could handle her flying off and pretending this never happened BUT CONFRONTING IT EVERYDAY IS NOW FREAKING HIM OUT. ]

[ When he spells it out that way, it makes her realize how complicated just two days have made this. How is she going to make it eight more? How is she going to survive a marriage to him??? She wrestles with it for a moment.

Being baldly honest is hard. ]

I don't want to be close to you because I don't want to be wrong again.

[ She turns to look at him. It's clear from the conflict in her face that there's no easy answer to that. Does she want to be with him? Yes. So much still, despite everything. But the trust is broken, and it won't come as easily a second time. ]

But we'll be living alongside each other no matter what.

[ That's a foregone conclusion. They've both agreed to this union. They'll be … platonic co-regents. ]

And ruling. Whatever that means.

[ He's getting swung back and forth pretty hard here. Masturbating meant nothing. This was nothing. And yet she's afraid because she could be wrong again and he's just-- already feeling tired. ]

If you don't want to be with me or want me around --[ This sentence is sounding far too romantic and as if he's a lost puppy for Kylo's tastes. But he's gonna keep trudging through it. ] --Then I'd rather stay away.

[ Being alone was better than being tolerated. He already spent a good portion of his youth feeling like that. ]

That just sounds like it's own version of being shackled.

[ That puts Rey's hackles up in ways she can't quite place. The idea that he'd be reluctantly trapped with her reminds her that it's really all this is. They're not coming together on their terms, or finding some middle point of compromise. Not really. For the galaxy, perhaps, but there's more to bridge between them than there is to keep the galaxy in balance.

She rolls over onto her side, away from him. ]

I didn't say you had to come stay there.

[ She says this not quite moodily, but with a deliberately affected nonchalance. ]

But I can't stand being on this ship. It's choking me, and I won't live with a collar around my neck.

[ This is fine. You know. He told her she could go wherever she pleased and he'd just- do his own thing. And then she says she wants a home with him, but not with him and when he says he probably couldn't emotionally handle that she gets angry with him and

Everything is a mistake. His life is a mistake. Just murder him instead Rey. Make it easy for him.

He's-- done trying to navigate her emotions while being honest about his. He's not sure where his words are missing the mark but clearly he doesn't have the vocabulary for this situation. He'll worry about it after the papers are signed and he's still married to a woman he's desperately in love with but wants nothing to do with him.

Cool

Healthy

Subject change. ]

Chandrila was where I was born and raised. [ There you go. Talking about the home he doesn't want to talk about is easier than his emotions. ] I think that's why General Organa wanted it held there.

[ "It" being their wedding.

Which is just. The worst rn. ]

[ She stills. Holding her breath, it seems. She doesn't know how to react to that information. Some part of her wants to turn back to look at him, but she resists because — well, because moodily she thinks she doesn't want to look in his face while he insists that he doesn't want to be shackled to her.

This wedding layers everything between them, changes how it all comes across. She doesn't know if he's saying it because it's something he needs to say, or if she's supposed to find meaning in it.

Rey has never been to Chandrila. She's never seen it, but she knows that it was the home to the New Republic as well as Ben Solo. Maybe there's a symbol, there. ]

I thought it was because of the New Republic.

[ The rest of the galaxy will think so too, she reasons, but this doesn't come as a correction. Some part of her wants to suggest that maybe it could be her home, then, that she could lay roots down there and return to visit her family with the Resistance and—

None of that feels right in the wake of the uncomfortable exchange just now. It feels like trying to take more from him, instead of trying to make it more comfortable for him. ]

Is it nice there?

[ Rey's comments strike two chords unintentionally. The first part is just- underlining what his mother had always done, since he was born. Prioritize politics before him. Of course now he was Kylo Ren. So it made sense, some long foregone conclusion. The Republic was more important than her asshole son.

It was hard feeling like that as a kid, though.

He doesn't address it, doesn't want to talk about it. Of course it was all still more important than him.

And the second part.

A measured breath is taken as he recalls what it felt like living there. It really wasn't that long ago in the whole scope of things, but it felt like ages. Trying to sum up what made up his life there. ]

It was lonely.

[ Just like everywhere was, to be honest. The only difference being that it shouldn't have been lonely living at home with his mother.

Fuck Hux. Fuck this wedding. He is definitely gonna try to find some way to drug his tea. ]

[ Some part of her wants to tell him that it won't be, this time. That they won't ever be alone again. But that's the childish, naive part of her that she's trying to grapple with — she'd thought that once, and she was wrong. There's every chance that they'll wind up alone again now. She wants to believe it won't happen, but she's still afraid.

So instead, she just … shifts back a little towards him until she can feel his side pressed to her back. She settles for that, pulling her pillow more decidedly under her head to get more comfortable. ]

I'm here.

[ For now, in this moment, she can give him that. ]

[ --Mixed signals. This is what he calls mixed signals and sHE'S TOUCHING HIM AND He'S EMOTIONALLY JUST CONFUSED (isn't he always unless it involves killing someone who threatens rey?). But he'll take it... rather not fight it at the moment.

All of this would be over soon and he could go back to his solitary life.

Deep breath in. Deep breath out.

He glides his fingers over her back delicately. ]

Go to bed, Rey.

[ How oddly domestic. It's almost like they care about each other or something. ]

[ She doesn't reply.

The steady brush of his hand on her back and the sound of his voice are enough to lull her into a comfortable state of peace. Her eyes closed, she finds sleep not so long after, even with the bond still open.

And her dreams are awash in soft sighs and the touch of warm skin and a persistent sense of peace between them. They teeter on the head of a pin, so delicately balanced, so fragile, but so ambitious. ]

this is 7/10 i went and counted

idk if i am proud of them or if i am ready to throw them into a worm hole.

can't it be both.

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