bakerstreet

1/ Does this mean I have to put a bra on?

2/ There's a fly in here repeatedly throwing itself at the window. Seems like our life.

3/ Thought "oh, i've had tattoos and broken bones, waxing my bits would be easy". I was wrong.

4/ We were supposed to fuck once and ended up fucking for thirteen years.

5/ ( text her )

1. What if they only bring me out with them because I'm the ugly friend?

2. We're not allowed back there because I puked on the waitress' foot while trying to order another round. For myself.

3. Athena scolded me because "banana liquor is a new low" for me.

4. [text him]

01. if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt.
02. we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
03. just got into a fight with a trashcan. today is obviously not going to be my day.
04. text him!

1) Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!

2) we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an iPod.

3) Sensing a theme here

4) ((send him a different text!))

1. Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.

2. I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"

3. All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling

4.He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched

Edited 2016-06-24 19:22 (UTC)

1. Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces

2. So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?

3. then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"

1. We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
2. I don't remember where I was, but I remember that I hated everyone there.
3. Can you explain the plethora of shell casings in the dryer?
4. TEXT HIM

1. i’m like, not good at living.
2. i mean, i’m shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but i’m an amazing friend sometimes.
3. if i die young, bury me in satin. and make sure there’s a taco bar at my funeral.
4. the point is everything sucks and i hate you all.
5. text him?

01. this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn to ruins.
02. i want a calm night. not one where i wake up to you topless and bloody.
03. he told me i'm a small core of pure rage wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. he gets me.
04. i just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. so how is that going?
05. text him!

1. I hate being the sober one. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
2. If he kills me, I want to be put out to sea on a viking funeral pyre.
3. I’d be less upset about training my replacement if my replacement weren’t a literal teenager.
4. I can’t sleep. At all. Fuck.
5. Text him?

1. Please report: Are you dead?
2. When you said to form up on you, I assumed it was because you had a plan.
3. The suit is my dress uniform now. I earned this.
4. Text him?

Edited 2016-06-24 19:19 (UTC)

1. i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing

2. If you don't stop mass texting while plastered I'm going to layer you with Daein puns until they put you on suicide watch

3. We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night

Or Text her

1. What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention

2. Come find me please? Im in a ditch. I'm right under the moon! He's watching me!

3. Why am I in a dog kennel?

4. I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'd be an amazing friend... sometimes.

5. text him

1) I believe the words you used was "fuck the police". I hope you didn't mean literally.
2) Nothing is okay, everything is on fire.
3) The baby is fine. Whatever you heard the baby is fine.
4) Before you jump to conclusions, yes, yes I did.
5) Was it worth it? Because the smell of booze says otherwise.

1. You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain". I wasn't going to deny your happiness.

2. I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store.

3. I spent two hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How's your night going?

4. Text him!

a) oh and then you called a timeout with your penis
b) people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
c) bullshit. no way. if i brushed past your penis, it was completely coincidental.
d) on your way out, lock the front door. and by lock the front door, i mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.

1. At least life still wants to fuck me.

2. I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers.

3. Sorry that this is the worst night of your life and you're being a baby about it.

4. Hey, how are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?

5. Text him!

1. Yjjyefyhfddffvdwxrgykols ffvrrwdtnr 2. This frequency is for emergencies only. 3. Please refrain from asking further questions about this topic.

1. Anyway, do you want to make more embarassing memories that I'm bound to remind you about later and laugh about?

2. Stop it. You know what R&B does to my body.

3. You can regrow a liver, right?

4. Text him!

1. Am I supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?

2. So, rumour has it you set chemistry lab on fire.

3. Are you in or are you out? Just so you know, this is the last chance for us to prank him.

4. You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. Tell me why am I with you again?

or text him

1. I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
2. He's worked out some sort of arrangement where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into a flat with two king beds pushed together.
3. I'm lying here struggling with the idea that I need to put trousers on.
4. I got so high last night I started crying because I couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is.
5. I'm talking to a corgi on Cuddlr... wtf has my life come to.

1. I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.

2. Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.

3. You got banned for life at a $30/a night motel? What are you doing with your life?

4. Text him!

1. That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.

2. She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.

3. Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live

4. Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza

5. Text her!

(Still voicetesting!)

A) I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.

B) Just called AAA to get my keys out of my car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket.

C) Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex.

D) Text Connie.

a. I'm like, not good at living.
b. Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered $100 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
c.i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids

kate g. oc. ota.

Winston | Overwatch

keith | voltron