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1. Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Pandora. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
2. He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "Tell me how you want to fuck me," and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings." FUCK.
3. Any interest in drunk sledding later? If not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
2. He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "Tell me how you want to fuck me," and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings." FUCK.
3. Any interest in drunk sledding later? If not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
1. My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
2. It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
3. Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
4. You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
[1/3] ok well whatever im not dribj NOW
[2/3] **drunk
[3/3] that in no wayy invaksidates whay i just said
[2/3] **drunk
[3/3] that in no wayy invaksidates whay i just said
1. When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
2. I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
3. How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
4. I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
5. [Text him!]
2. I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
3. How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
4. I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
5. [Text him!]
1. I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
2. You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar.
3. Monster slaying and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special.
4. I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for that photograph.
5. Just text her!
2. You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar.
3. Monster slaying and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special.
4. I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for that photograph.
5. Just text her!
1. Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
2. This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
3. I fell off the bed and in the middle of it he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. I think I'm in love.
4. Seriously iPhone. Stop correcting my fucks into ducks. You're making all my strongly worded texts look harmless and adorable.
5. Text her!
2. This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
3. I fell off the bed and in the middle of it he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. I think I'm in love.
4. Seriously iPhone. Stop correcting my fucks into ducks. You're making all my strongly worded texts look harmless and adorable.
5. Text her!
1) I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
2) No I've been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
3) Text him.
2) No I've been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
3) Text him.
I'm running out of excuses to skip out on training, dude
Edited 2017-01-06 17:50 (UTC)
( 1 ) Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some dudes, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
( 2 ) You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the broadsword to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
( 3 ) Showed him my guns. He doesn't want to fight me anymore. We've decided to get naked and build a fort instead
( 4 ) he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell. told me he doesn't need my help anymore "but thanks". i give it six hours
( 5 ) ❰ text gladio! ❱
( 2 ) You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the broadsword to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
( 3 ) Showed him my guns. He doesn't want to fight me anymore. We've decided to get naked and build a fort instead
( 4 ) he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell. told me he doesn't need my help anymore "but thanks". i give it six hours
( 5 ) ❰ text gladio! ❱
Edited 2017-01-06 17:51 (UTC)
1. I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
2. woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
3. The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
4. LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HIS LIFE TOGETHER?
5. Text him!
2. woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
3. The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
4. LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HIS LIFE TOGETHER?
5. Text him!
1. i put a snowball in my purse to save "for later"
2. we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
3. we are lost, we are cold, and we do not know what to do with the stray cat we just found
2. we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
3. we are lost, we are cold, and we do not know what to do with the stray cat we just found
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