bakerstreet | (no subject)

[ he lets the bag go when she nudges his hand out of the way, allowing her to hold the bag of peas there herself. every moment that is just the two of them without any preoccupations regarding missing mothers or ley lines or friends' behavior is fraught with all the things they don't say but want to. they don't need to say them, because gansey knows and blue knows, but gansey is a lover of words and their power.

so he wishes he could say more than thank you.

he smiles when he looks at blue, the warm kind of smile he keeps for his closest friends. his words, however, are exactly the kind of joke he makes to dispel a situation. it's something they fall back on, late at night on the phone, when they both want to hear each other's voices without letting any of the real stuff through. ]

Nurse Jane has a nice ring to it.

[ Blue rolls her eyes, but if there were a way to roll your eyes and it tell someone you love them, then that would be what she's doing now. ]

You're a terrible patient. [ And by that she means 'not terrible at all.' After a moment, she lifts the peas, making a sound that could be interpreted as pleased. Apparently what she sees is acceptable, because she replaces the bag and redirects her gaze toward Gansey's face. ]

I'm sorry about your rock. [ Because she is. She knows how he gets when he hits upon something interesting. It's hardly fair he should have to drag himself away from whatever it is that causes his eyes to light up in that particular way. The thing that makes him look so far away from who his name says he is.

She tries not to think about that. Not regularly, anyway. ]

[ he appreciates her saying that more than he can say. after so long not being taken seriously, every instance where someone considers what he's doing to be important rings loud. it was just a rock. it could have been something. blue knows that and sees the potential maybe not in the rock itself but in the potential gansey saw in it.

he shrugs, despite feeling less than casual about it. ]

Maybe I wasn't meant to find it.

[ it had disappeared so efficiently that gansey can't help but think that. things seem to find him as much as he finds them, but not everything wants to be found. ]

It's a good thing you were there. I could have been lying alone on the ground in anguish otherwise.

[ he's exaggerating by a large margin, but he'd like to see her smile. even if being the cause of it might make his stomach flutter. ]

[ Blue has had a long education in the importance of potential. That rock is her. Full of it with nowhere to go. She watches Gansey, watches the shrugging motion of his arms, and decides she takes it quite seriously. ]

And maybe we'll go back and find it another time. [ Maybe not. Maybe so. She's not above being optimistic. It's not a dirty word! ]

You! [ She resists the urge to punch him again, but in good fun. A smile does sneak onto her face and she shakes her head. This boy will probably do quite a number on her heart. Or has he already? ] I would've had to lecture you even more if you'd done that.

[ Of course, she would've been worried too, but she understands - by some miracle, since they often bypass each other's understanding in the strangest ways - what he's trying to do. ] You'd better take someone with you from now on.

[ he likes everything she's saying at him, minus maybe the lecture. he likes that she suggests they go back to find it, like she finds value in the possibility of the stone just like he did. or does because he does, which sends a flutter to his stomach. it seems so impossible that he's found people who believed in his quest enough to follow along. now they're tangled in it as much as he is.

and he can't imagine it any other way.

he thinks of telling her that he can handle himself just fine, but there's proof otherwise between their hands. ]

I will. For a long time, it was just me, you know.

[ it's not meant to bring the mood down, but it's true that gansey was alone in this for a very long time. until malory, and then again when he'd come here. now he has the luxury of friends. now he likes bringing them with him. he likes doing the exploring thing with blue, too, although he would tell himself it's not a preference, per se. no favourites. ]

[ Blue is not exactly in the habit of assigning special value to rocks. Not to say she couldn't, but if she's showing an interest, there's at least a reasonably high chance it's got a lot to do with Gansey. Aside from feeling fondly about him, which isn't really in question anymore, is it? - she also trusts his judgment.

Or his keen sense when it comes to locating things, if one prefers to be more clinical about it.

She doesn't. ]

It's good you're not alone. [ She pats a wrinkle out of her skirt. ] I mean, I don't know what you did before we were around to doctor you up. [ She's very clearly covering for herself there, but her voice is infused with such fondness there's almost no point in pretending to be cross with him.

When did she get to that point? Where the words come out, but the meaning behind them changes more and more every day... ]

[ blue can be frighteningly cute. gansey wonders if she knows how bad it gets, some days. where a simple thing like patting a wrinkle out of his skirt makes him have to bite back a smile. it's not fair that he has to bite anything back at all, but it's the right thing. isn't it?

he's not so sure, sometimes. when the fondness leaks through her words. when he thinks back to those drives that he should not be thinking about at all. already it's enough that he has to look away from her to fight how much he wishes he could reach for her face and kiss her cheek. or her mouth. if he could, right now, that's what he'd go for. a thank you kiss, a i feel a lot of things for you that i won't let myself express so have this instead kiss.

it's too bad in this instance expressing it with words is the only way to go about it. there's no using lips to communicate the depths of it.

not that gansey admits to there being depths. it's not like that. really. ]

I'll be honest... I'm not sure what I did. Even with Malory, he's not exactly a caretaker.

[ Blue's lips, unkissed though they may be, can still form a number of charming facial expressions. Now, she looks like she might be pouting slightly, lips drawn together just the littlest bit. ]

I like the thought of you with us. [ That's probably overstepping her bounds and she seems to know it, at least a little, because she becomes very quickly preoccupied with checking on his hand again and won't look up for a moment. It's really too bad, because the alternative now is giving her attention to the injury and she does so by very cautiously running her fingertips along his wrist.

Feather-light, gentle as she can manage. Checking to see if the swelling is improving or if it's spreading along his hand.

She lingers. ]

[ her fingers at his wrist are warm and so light that they tickle. he wonders if he'll ever stop being hyper conscious of her around him. it's not always the case, sometimes he has enough on his mind that nothing but the quest and glendower and his questions are clear, but it's getting more and more difficult to shake blue off. becoming more difficult to accept that they can't do this. ]

I do, too.

[ it's a quiet admission, with a smile that's almost shy. he likes the thought of him with her too, though he keeps that one to himself despite her fingers at his skin. he hopes the way he's looking at her says it for him. ]

[ Either not content with what she's found or not content to let go of his hand, Blue cradles Gansey's wrist in her palms, humming thoughtfully. It's nice, this- whatever this is. It's not allowed, it's not allowed, it's not allowed.

But that doesn't change the fact that she enjoys these moments. The way he smiles, just a little shy- she enjoys that too. She ought to chastise herself more for it. ]

And here I thought you were spoiled. [ She says this while staring at his hand again, so it's hard to get a handle on whether or not she's joking this time. A hint does come in the form of her looking up abruptly several seconds later though. ] That's- I didn't mean that the way it sounded.

I'm just letting you know.

[ Setting things straight, so things won't go in a direction she can't handle them going. It's really a shame she doesn't know what direction that is. Navigating what's all right and what isn't is sometimes a trial.

It's a trial not to be able to come right out and say that she didn't mean 'us' exactly, though that is true. She meant 'me' and maybe she's hoping he hears that. ]

[ there's only a second where the word twists a little in gansey's head. his own fault, really, for using it to chastise himself. but even in this context, she's right. she clarifies and gansey wishes his hand wasn't injured so that they were holding each other's instead, wishes he could squeeze her fingers in his as he says what he says next. ]

I am.

[ the small pause isn't very long. it's not long enough to consider the words he says. ]

I have you.

[ it's unclear if he means the plural you or the singular. gansey only knows what he means because his heart picks up somewhat, beating loud against his ribs, eyes on her and trying to reason with himself that this is forbidden, trying to convince himself to stop before they dig their own graves. he doesn't move. ]

[ Blue is kicking herself, much as she knows that her self of several months ago would have said this line without thinking. She doesn't like to think she's changed so much, that he's done so much to change her.

But she has. He has. ]

Gansey- [ Her lip disappears between her teeth and she looks around nervously for a second, or perhaps because her eyes can't seem to find the right thing to settle on. She runs out of things to look at and finds herself looking back at him. Is she going to mess this up?

She might mess this up. ]

We- [ Come on, Blue. ] I won't let you get too spoiled. [ Her fingertip is tracing the lines of his wrist rather thoughtfully. She might not be totally conscious of this happening. ] Maybe.

[ its really not fair. gansey does not regret the way they met, not for a second, and has never once wished they'd met differently, or in different circumstances. but maybe they wouldn't be here, if things had been different. blue is part of this, his search, that much he knows in his gut the way he gets hunches and looks beneath the rugs of the world no one pays attention to. that would never change. blue feels right, like everyone of the others did as they joined him.

but are there versions of this without a curse? versions of this where he doesn't make a fool of himself the first time he speaks to her, versions of this where he's the one asking her out?

his smile fades. these are not things he should think about it. chastising himself, his mouth runs on. ]

I think it's too late.

[ he almost wants to tell her to stop. it's tantalizing to feel her touch and want to return it and wanting more of it on top of that. he shouldn't want it.

it's terrible to like someone so much and want them with you but not letting yourself for reasons you find more important. it's terrible to think he loves her, maybe not in the grand ways of the movies yet, but on its way to being possible. to think that as enthralling as the thought is, it's also filled with a sadness that it can't be that way. not yet, at least.

maybe after everything, but more and more gansey is convinced that nothing will happen the way he's dreamed. ]

[ It's really not fair. Blue tries not to think about How It Could Have Been, but it's impossible not to give it a few seconds of her time. It demands her attention almost constantly, after all. It happens when she sees Adam or when she thinks of Noah's cold lips or when she watches Gansey with his best friends - it happens always and never.

She's happy for this, now. Isn't that enough? (No, of course not, because she hasn't found a way to save him yet, and that's the most important thing.) ]

Oh? [ She tries her best to sound surprised, she really does. ] I guess that's, you know.

The kind of thing you can't take back.

[ It feels like, perhaps, she's talking about something else. She isn't exactly sure. She wants to slap herself awake and move on, but it's not exactly the kind of thing you can shock yourself out of doing, is it? Falling...

She tests herself. Am I in love with him yet? ]

I wouldn't want to.

[ they're talking about something else, now. and gansey knows he should stop it. he knows better, but she's touching him and they're alone in monmouth and this keeps knocking at the door wanting to be let in, pushing against the hinges, making the doorknob creak.

the locks will break eventually. isn't it better to open them yourself? he thinks of the kind of disasters this could have on several different friendships in the group. he thinks of adam and blue, of him and adam, of ronan too by extension. there are things going on that gansey does not fully know about, just like this is to the others, but still the rational part of his mind doesn't want to let his heart be.

knowing he has to stop and stopping are very different things. ]

Jane... [ then he stops, as if correcting himself. ] Blue.

[ 'That's easy for you to say.'

That's what the old Blue would have said. The one from before. This Blue is different. This Blue has seen magic and lost magic. This one knows it's not easy for him to say. ]

You don't- [ She cuts herself off yet again. Her hand stills on top of his wrist. ]

You need to be careful.

[ She advises caution when she's stepping into a void that she can't even name. Careful of what? Careful of letting her fall in love? Careful of guarding his heart? She thinks of his uniform, rain-splattered. Her eyes fall shut and she hears it again, for the hundredth, thousandth, millionth time. 'That's all there is.'

But there's so much more. ]

[ it would be easy to pretend she means things like picking up rocks and hurting his hand. diverting this into something simpler again could make him forget about all this. but it wouldn't. none of his attempts to put this completely out of mind have worked. they can't, when she's right in front of him.

gansey breathes out, slowly. moments ago he'd been about to say one of the many things on his mind, but now he holds it back. he's trespassing and blue knows it and this is impossible, being so close but keeping each other so far away. he looks down at her hand on his wrist, because it's something to focus on that isn't her face. ]

I'm trying to be.

[ Blue purses her lips. ]

That's not what I mean.

[ It is, a little. But... ] Your hand. It's going to be sore for awhile. [ Blue isn't fond of cursing, but she's cursing herself right now. She heard something in his voice and she didn't mean to cut through it. Not that quickly. ]

I don't want you to get hurt.

[ And again, cutting through things to reach other things, things that shouldn't be touched. She puts the bag of frozen vegetables aside, one hand rising so her fingertips touch her lips. Fingertips to lips, then to Gansey's hand, barely so much as touching the base of his thumb. ]

I'll be more careful.

[ her gesture makes him forget most of what he'd intended to say. it makes him ache instead, makes him want to find a solution to this that ends with everyone happy and safe. if he digs hard enough maybe there's something, maybe, maybe, maybe. people who's feelings they're protecting that they could speak to, for starters. but that requires acknowledging this, giving it a name, talking about it. with a curse and true love hovering over them. ]

Are we talking about my hand, still?

[ there comes a point where dancing around things gets you nowhere. and there comes a point where gansey ceases being coy about things. like when they feel heavy and important like this is. ]

[ There's no way around it. Blue knows, already knows somehow, that it would be dangerous to kiss him. The fact that they both acknowledge it just hammers the point home. She can't kiss him, because the curse would come into effect. Ergo, he is...

Very special to her. ]

I don't think so. [ Her voice is smaller than it's ever been. Maybe it was a mistake to go this far. She thinks, maybe, it was a mistake to wait this long.

But she can't be sure. ] I'm sorry.

[ he hates hearing her voice like that, hates that they're in a position where she feels the need to apologize. they're both sorry, aren't they? sorry that this is complicated when it should be simple. sorry they can't seem to let it be, when they're alone. even when they're not, really — that time he cheated in the car and their fingers touched and gansey's heart hummed. ]

Let's not be sorry.

[ with his uninjured hand, he reaches for blue's. he rests it over hers, wanting to do more but already doing too much. he swallows thickly, gazing at her again. he has no idea where to go from this place where they both acknowledge this and the fact that they can't shake it off. ]

What do we do, Blue?

[ 'Sorry' is a word that weighs a lot, but can be thrown in the air with astonishing ease. Blue knows this is true, because she is completely apologetic. And she is not apologetic at all. She's sorry that her lips are standing between Gansey and herself. Sorry that she's made things complicated in other ways. Sorry that she's not sorry for meeting all of them and becoming a part of their glorious quest.

She's sorry. But she's not. ]

All right. I won't apologize anymore. [ Her fingertips curl just slightly around his hand, which is her way of acknowledging what he's doing and what he means. Means to do? ]

I'm not sure.

[ She shakes her head, unsatisfied with that answer. ] What do you think? [ Maybe he's in the dark just as much as she is. ]

[ it's a tough question to answer, for one reason — ]

There's what I think and what I want.

[ his logical mind and his traitorous heart. always on separate path, gansey's mind wanting to go one way and his heart telling him to go the other. thankfully his mind has a tendency to win over the rest, but there are exceptions, days where it doesn't, people who melt his mind away and make his heart speak louder.

it shouldn't be surprising that this is the effect blue has.

gansey knows what he thinks of this, but he knows that what he wants is different from that. maybe if he can find a compromise... all these stolen moments and touches are already a compromise, however, and they haven't improved the state of things. only worsened. ]

They're different.

[ Blue looks down, eyes darting around thoughtfully for a moment. She lets out a soft hiss of air from between her teeth. ]

Would you tell me both? [ Is it all right to ask? Is it fair? She doesn't know the answer to that, but her brain has started working it out on her behalf. Or rather, it's made a decision about her feelings on the matter.

In reality, she's afraid this only means her head is starting to catch up to her heart and they're in agreement about being in love. Gansey's frustrating ability to be both offensive and the most noble person she's ever met, that's to blame. His classical good looks combined with that heart-stopping smile of his. His curiosity, which seems nigh insatiable.

She has to stop thinking about these things. She might as well confiscate that bag of peas for herself, to cool down her thoughts. ]

[ starting by what he thinks is easiest. they've already spoken about this, and gansey runs it over in his mind often enough. it's the same things, over and over, reasons that don't suffice in calming warmth in his chest when blue gives him a smile, or the discomfort when he says something that angers her, that immediate desire to make it right somehow. ]

What I think we should do is... Nothing.

[ his heart is beating fast just for saying this, because it goes against what he really, really feels. because it's a cruel thing to ask of them, even if, by gansey's rational mind, it's the right thing.

gansey doesn't like being passive. he doesn't like staying still, or stalling, unless someone's life is at risk. when it came to waking the ley line, the dangers of it were high enough to keep him from going forward with it. with cabeswater, same thing: find as much information about the place as possible before returning, not willing to risk anyone, part of him afraid, too, of how big its existence is.

this is similar. there are so many things to take into account and so many dangers that could arise. someone could get hurt. he needs to know more, but to know more he has to engage, and to engage means to take steps he's not ready to take. ]

Things are happening fast. With the caves and Cabeswater. And there's Adam and your curse and what it means —

[ but he cuts himself off there. he doesn't have to say what it means. they both know.

gansey wonders what would happen if they kissed and nothing terrible ensued. it would be a clear answer to the true love thing. the curse itself seems cautionary, but gansey's idealistic view of the world makes true love seem like a safe, warm concept.

when it doesn't involve death, that is. ]

We're closer to Glendower than ever, I think.

[ and she knows what that means to him, too, how important it is, how everything else will be taking a backseat. ]