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...threw myself into the herd. They got pissed, I fought them. Took one down and dragged it off with me.

[ It's not the best story, it makes either him or the deer sound stupid - or both. But it's how he managed it and it's pretty typical of how he hunts. ]

We probably shouldn't do that. But there's got to be other ways to take them by surprise.

[ The deer are deadly silent of any sound, except for their breathing, which rattles in their chests. ]

Edited 2024-09-06 05:49 (UTC)

[So they meet aggression with aggression.

[Nodding, Alivian slowly looks around for a stick and something to use as a spearhead. Throwing one shouldn't be much more different than using a similar technique to spear fish.

[The deer clearly have vision on their side, but their senses of hearing are probably up in the air unless Logan chooses to enlighten him.

[Alivian's hearing also isn't as keen as Logan's; aside from the faint rattling, he can't tell what's causing it - if it's breathing or not. It doesn't register to his ears as language, however.

[Without another word, he shifts to put the mask back on as a precaution. Taking a breath, he cups his hands around his mouth, and lets out a very, very quiet howl of sorrow and distress, mimicking the sound of a wounded wolf. It's a child's trick these days, but...

[If they're predators, at least one might want to investigate for a free meal....

[Hopefully! And... hopefully Logan doesn't take him to actually be in distress...]

Edited 2024-09-06 06:00 (UTC)

[ They're not exactly predators. Another type of creature entirely - but still not submissive, or prey. One of the deer perks its ears and swings every single eyestalk the way of the howl.

And starts trotting towards them fast. Logan crouches a bit, ready to fight if necessary. He's not looking at Alivian at all - he understood the howl was for show, so he wasn't in danger.]

[Alivian slightly shifts his position to be a little closer to Logan, one hand braced on his mask to take it off as soon as the creature is close enough.

[They need to eat, he reminds himself. It repeats in his head as it gets closer and closer, and he makes absolutely sure that Logan is NOT in any direct line of his sight--

[His heart starts to pound, anxiety working its way up every nerve and into his scent. But it's not for the reason anyone would think at a glance.

[No. The moment the deer is far enough away from the herd, and in their clutches, the mask comes off and pocketed.

[The Glare that he floods the area with feels as heavy as steel cinderblocks, choking and blinding as he levels it at their prey. Though devoid of anger, it is full of murderous intent.

[This creature will die so that they can live.

[...But hopefully, this deer isn't immune.]

[ The creature stops in its tracks and just simply drops to the ground, utterly dead. ]

What...

[ Logan knows that Alivian has warned him about the power his Glare can have, but he hadn't actually taken him seriously, since it doesn't impact him in that way. He's staring at him now, but in an impressed sort of way. ]

[With shaky hands, Alivian quickly shoves his mask back on to give himself time to calm down, dizziness and dread and remorse -- and nausea -- all colliding within.

[Alivian eases himself to the ground next, breath and words shaking.]

I... willed it to die, so it did.

[Fuck. It really did fucking die. He's really-- he's really as dangerous as everyone else says. As they fear. He killed a living being without touching it--

[He can't think. Ringing and static fill his ears. He killed something with his Glare--]

...you don't like that.

[ Logan puts his hand on Alivian's shoulder. He doesn't understand being upset by this, but he perceives the fact that he is. So he's trying to comfort him in the best way he can. ]

I'm - I'm here. Are you okay?

No, no, I don't like it...

[With his gaze elsewhere, he jumps and looks up in shock when he's touched. Shakily, he reaches up to touch the hand on his shoulder, and squeezes.]

I'm not okay, but that doesn't matter right now.

[He squeezes his hand again, and focuses on breathing, trying to stay grounded and pull himself out of it.]

How doesn't it matter?

[ Logan stares at him as if he can't quite believe he's saying this. Granted, he gets it, he's said similar things often. But he doesn't like that Alivian is saying it. ]

It's dead. It won't get up. You can take a moment to recover.

That both is and isn't the problem.

[Alivian shifts where he sits, rocking very slightly until he can at least... lean back a bit on his hands.]

I mean... I'm glad it didn't suffer. It would have been worse if it didn't die and was in pain and fear until you could....

But I'd never...

[He shakes his head and looks over at the fallen deer.]

...At the same time, I was hoping I wasn't actually capable of killing something just by... just by looking at it hard enough.

[Up close, he can smell the lingering output it had. Though stinky, it's not an aggressive smell.... He's not sure he wants to think harder on it, however.]

We should remove the body from this place before the rest of the herd as a collective thinks it's in danger.

And the sooner we eat, the sooner we can leave. We can rest properly while we cook it.

[Though he doesn't feel up to it, he pushes himself to his feet with a grunt, and approaches their catch. He pats one of its legs before moving to try to start to figure out how to haul it up.]

May your next life be kinder than this.

[ Logan heads over and just picks up the deer with one hand, hauling it over his shoulder. Part of his mutation is having a lot of strength and he's just displaying this without thinking. ]

You remind me of someone. His eyes were deadly in a different way, but he felt just as terrible about it.

[ But he doesn't want to talk about dead people too much. ]

Tell me where to haul this.

[Alivian's mouth presses into a line - clearly wanting to protest that he can carry the thing, too. He just nods.]

Towards the lake. We can reuse the campfire. And, uh, I'll throw the bad fish back into the lake or something.

At least this even smells like it's more edible than that... stinkfish.

[He doesn't particularly feel hungry, but there is the urge to bite it anyway....]

We can also make a short spear or two out of the bones. And then... anything we don't want to eat right now, we can de-fat, cut thin, and dry out by the fire. It'll leave us some preserved food left over in case we can't hunt again, for whatever reason...

[ He disagrees that it smells edible at all, but he's not going to try not to eat it. If killing it in such a way impacted Alivian so badly, then refusing to eat it was just an insult to his suffering. It's not like with the fish. ]

The lake it is.

[ He starts carrying it in that direction, shifting it a little under his arm. ]

I'm always able to hunt. Don't worry about that.

...I see.

[It's... not a bad reaction on his part. Alivian remains silent for the journey to the lake, and takes the lead in staring the fire anew. They won't have long, if the smell of the air is anything to go by. They'll have to work fast.

[Alivian shuts away his emotions for the time being, working swiftly and methodically. The fire roars to life before long, and Alivian just stares at it, mask still on his stoic face. He trusts Logan to work on breaking down their kill.

[Alivian's scent, however, is clearly unsettled, heart refusing to calm down since the moment he dealt that killing blow.]

[ Logan uses his claws to break it down, of course. He keeps glancing at Alivian every so often, unsure what to say. He's trying to think of the kind of pep talks he's heard Charles give people, but none of them are coming to mind at the moment. Damn. ]

...you're not a bad man.

Because this made you suffer. That shows your character. You're kind, possibly too kind.

[Alivian opens his mouth to retort that, no, of course he is. But he stops. He listens to the end, jaw tensing slightly. He lets out a rough breath.]

...How stupid is it? The method that causes the least amount of suffering hurts me the most.

I just wanted to make sure it wouldn't suffer, and... you wouldn't have to struggle to fight it down. It was the right thing to do for our circumstances, and yet...

[He lightly grasps the wrist of his injured arm, mindful not to cause himself further harm. His ears fold firmly against his head. In contrast, his voice is distant and calm.]

Almost every part of me wants to tell you that you're wrong about me. The rest is scared that you'll believe it if I do.

[ Logan shakes his head and sets the deer parts down. Wiping his claws, he retracts them and steps over to Alivian. ]

I'll never believe you about that. I know better from all the actions you've shown me.

[ He considers what to say next, his jaw working as he goes over words in his head. ]

I've killed in the worst ways possible. Far too many people. The only people it doesn't hurt are the terrible ones.

[Alivian tips his head up to look at Logan, mouth hardly twitching at the words he hears. He bites back every comment he has about how looks can be deceiving, and more. It's the self-hatred talking, after all.

[But deeper down than that? It's fear. It's palpable to him.

[His shoulders slump a little, and he looks to the carcass near them.]

...One wrong moment, one wrong move, and that could have been you.

Sure, you can heal amazingly swiftly. It... doesn't stop the fear.

[He looks away there, his tail curling tighter around his hip.]

...I'm sorry.

[He's sorry that he's this... twisted up, fearful individual, among other things.]

Edited 2024-09-07 08:17 (UTC)

What are you sorry for? Feeling emotions?

[ LOgan raises his eyebrows at him, then decides to kneel in front of him, trying to pull him into a hug. It's awkward because he doesn't generally do this, but he feels like it's necessary at the moment. ]

It wasn't me. It will never be me.

Edited 2024-09-07 09:13 (UTC)

[The touch isn't what he anticipates, but everything in him shivers with it. He finds himself clinging to Logan with a strength similar to when they were tangled together in one of the most intimate ways. His injured arm gives a light throb, but even if that's some sign that he's bleeding again (he's not,) it's a small price to pay to be able to hold onto him, to listen and try to further ground himself. His fingers dig slightly into Logan's back, but lacking the feral fervor to mark him over and over.

[His masked face buries against Logan's neck, even if his shoulder would be more appropriate.]

....Good.

[Curling this close with Logan feels ridiculously natural. He's not sure why that might be. But it is, and...]

...I'm... usually more aloof than this. I should be.

[He is a leader back home, after all....]

Edited 2024-09-07 09:37 (UTC)

No, you shouldn't.

[ Logan is firm about this and holds him even closer. It does feel natural, more so than he's ever felt holding someone before. That's something to reflect on, but not at the moment. He'll just tuck it away for later. ]

Feel your emotions. If you bury them, they'll just come back to haunt you worse later.

[ He speaks from so much experience. ]

...It's awful. I feel like I'm breaking....

[Never mind that that's exactly what his body is going through.
It fills him with a sense of uselessness that he's not sure how to navigate. Mask hiding the full extent of his expression - his face tucked into Logan's neck aside - hopefully the double covering hides the fact that he's... definitely losing it.

[The tears almost itch as they creep down in the space between his skin and the mask. With his luck, that's something Logan can smell, too.

[He's all about others feeling their emotions, but when it comes to his own? It feels so choking...]

[ It doesn't hide it. He can sense it through how his body feels to hold, he can sniff it through how the loss of control impacts his smell. He can definitely smell the tears, but he says nothing about them, not wanting to pressure him. ]

Sometimes you have to break to come back stronger. Which fucking sucks.

[ He touches his back gently, rubbing it. ]

It's the only way to build yourself up with this shit.

[Although Logan's words and touch are not necessarily permission to break down, he tries in vain to contain a sharp sob.]

I'm fucking tired of having to be strong day in, day out.... Breaking or not doesn't change it. It's never changed anything. But if I don't stay strong, I'll just lie down and--

[He stops sharply, taking a shaking breath, voice already straining with the weight of everything.]

I hate this...

[ But he is giving permission. He'll be here for him, no matter how he reactions, no matter what he does. ]

It'll be different now.

Do you know why?

[ He leans back a little, putting his hands on his shoulders, and looks where his eyes are underneath the mask. ]

You have me to change things.

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cw: mental health

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