bakerstreet | Only one bed

[ The creature stops in its tracks and just simply drops to the ground, utterly dead. ]

What...

[ Logan knows that Alivian has warned him about the power his Glare can have, but he hadn't actually taken him seriously, since it doesn't impact him in that way. He's staring at him now, but in an impressed sort of way. ]

[With shaky hands, Alivian quickly shoves his mask back on to give himself time to calm down, dizziness and dread and remorse -- and nausea -- all colliding within.

[Alivian eases himself to the ground next, breath and words shaking.]

I... willed it to die, so it did.

[Fuck. It really did fucking die. He's really-- he's really as dangerous as everyone else says. As they fear. He killed a living being without touching it--

[He can't think. Ringing and static fill his ears. He killed something with his Glare--]

...you don't like that.

[ Logan puts his hand on Alivian's shoulder. He doesn't understand being upset by this, but he perceives the fact that he is. So he's trying to comfort him in the best way he can. ]

I'm - I'm here. Are you okay?

No, no, I don't like it...

[With his gaze elsewhere, he jumps and looks up in shock when he's touched. Shakily, he reaches up to touch the hand on his shoulder, and squeezes.]

I'm not okay, but that doesn't matter right now.

[He squeezes his hand again, and focuses on breathing, trying to stay grounded and pull himself out of it.]

How doesn't it matter?

[ Logan stares at him as if he can't quite believe he's saying this. Granted, he gets it, he's said similar things often. But he doesn't like that Alivian is saying it. ]

It's dead. It won't get up. You can take a moment to recover.

That both is and isn't the problem.

[Alivian shifts where he sits, rocking very slightly until he can at least... lean back a bit on his hands.]

I mean... I'm glad it didn't suffer. It would have been worse if it didn't die and was in pain and fear until you could....

But I'd never...

[He shakes his head and looks over at the fallen deer.]

...At the same time, I was hoping I wasn't actually capable of killing something just by... just by looking at it hard enough.

[Up close, he can smell the lingering output it had. Though stinky, it's not an aggressive smell.... He's not sure he wants to think harder on it, however.]

We should remove the body from this place before the rest of the herd as a collective thinks it's in danger.

And the sooner we eat, the sooner we can leave. We can rest properly while we cook it.

[Though he doesn't feel up to it, he pushes himself to his feet with a grunt, and approaches their catch. He pats one of its legs before moving to try to start to figure out how to haul it up.]

May your next life be kinder than this.

[ Logan heads over and just picks up the deer with one hand, hauling it over his shoulder. Part of his mutation is having a lot of strength and he's just displaying this without thinking. ]

You remind me of someone. His eyes were deadly in a different way, but he felt just as terrible about it.

[ But he doesn't want to talk about dead people too much. ]

Tell me where to haul this.

[Alivian's mouth presses into a line - clearly wanting to protest that he can carry the thing, too. He just nods.]

Towards the lake. We can reuse the campfire. And, uh, I'll throw the bad fish back into the lake or something.

At least this even smells like it's more edible than that... stinkfish.

[He doesn't particularly feel hungry, but there is the urge to bite it anyway....]

We can also make a short spear or two out of the bones. And then... anything we don't want to eat right now, we can de-fat, cut thin, and dry out by the fire. It'll leave us some preserved food left over in case we can't hunt again, for whatever reason...

[ He disagrees that it smells edible at all, but he's not going to try not to eat it. If killing it in such a way impacted Alivian so badly, then refusing to eat it was just an insult to his suffering. It's not like with the fish. ]

The lake it is.

[ He starts carrying it in that direction, shifting it a little under his arm. ]

I'm always able to hunt. Don't worry about that.

...I see.

[It's... not a bad reaction on his part. Alivian remains silent for the journey to the lake, and takes the lead in staring the fire anew. They won't have long, if the smell of the air is anything to go by. They'll have to work fast.

[Alivian shuts away his emotions for the time being, working swiftly and methodically. The fire roars to life before long, and Alivian just stares at it, mask still on his stoic face. He trusts Logan to work on breaking down their kill.

[Alivian's scent, however, is clearly unsettled, heart refusing to calm down since the moment he dealt that killing blow.]

[ Logan uses his claws to break it down, of course. He keeps glancing at Alivian every so often, unsure what to say. He's trying to think of the kind of pep talks he's heard Charles give people, but none of them are coming to mind at the moment. Damn. ]

...you're not a bad man.

Because this made you suffer. That shows your character. You're kind, possibly too kind.

[Alivian opens his mouth to retort that, no, of course he is. But he stops. He listens to the end, jaw tensing slightly. He lets out a rough breath.]

...How stupid is it? The method that causes the least amount of suffering hurts me the most.

I just wanted to make sure it wouldn't suffer, and... you wouldn't have to struggle to fight it down. It was the right thing to do for our circumstances, and yet...

[He lightly grasps the wrist of his injured arm, mindful not to cause himself further harm. His ears fold firmly against his head. In contrast, his voice is distant and calm.]

Almost every part of me wants to tell you that you're wrong about me. The rest is scared that you'll believe it if I do.

[ Logan shakes his head and sets the deer parts down. Wiping his claws, he retracts them and steps over to Alivian. ]

I'll never believe you about that. I know better from all the actions you've shown me.

[ He considers what to say next, his jaw working as he goes over words in his head. ]

I've killed in the worst ways possible. Far too many people. The only people it doesn't hurt are the terrible ones.

[Alivian tips his head up to look at Logan, mouth hardly twitching at the words he hears. He bites back every comment he has about how looks can be deceiving, and more. It's the self-hatred talking, after all.

[But deeper down than that? It's fear. It's palpable to him.

[His shoulders slump a little, and he looks to the carcass near them.]

...One wrong moment, one wrong move, and that could have been you.

Sure, you can heal amazingly swiftly. It... doesn't stop the fear.

[He looks away there, his tail curling tighter around his hip.]

...I'm sorry.

[He's sorry that he's this... twisted up, fearful individual, among other things.]

Edited 2024-09-07 08:17 (UTC)

What are you sorry for? Feeling emotions?

[ LOgan raises his eyebrows at him, then decides to kneel in front of him, trying to pull him into a hug. It's awkward because he doesn't generally do this, but he feels like it's necessary at the moment. ]

It wasn't me. It will never be me.

Edited 2024-09-07 09:13 (UTC)

[The touch isn't what he anticipates, but everything in him shivers with it. He finds himself clinging to Logan with a strength similar to when they were tangled together in one of the most intimate ways. His injured arm gives a light throb, but even if that's some sign that he's bleeding again (he's not,) it's a small price to pay to be able to hold onto him, to listen and try to further ground himself. His fingers dig slightly into Logan's back, but lacking the feral fervor to mark him over and over.

[His masked face buries against Logan's neck, even if his shoulder would be more appropriate.]

....Good.

[Curling this close with Logan feels ridiculously natural. He's not sure why that might be. But it is, and...]

...I'm... usually more aloof than this. I should be.

[He is a leader back home, after all....]

Edited 2024-09-07 09:37 (UTC)

No, you shouldn't.

[ Logan is firm about this and holds him even closer. It does feel natural, more so than he's ever felt holding someone before. That's something to reflect on, but not at the moment. He'll just tuck it away for later. ]

Feel your emotions. If you bury them, they'll just come back to haunt you worse later.

[ He speaks from so much experience. ]

...It's awful. I feel like I'm breaking....

[Never mind that that's exactly what his body is going through.
It fills him with a sense of uselessness that he's not sure how to navigate. Mask hiding the full extent of his expression - his face tucked into Logan's neck aside - hopefully the double covering hides the fact that he's... definitely losing it.

[The tears almost itch as they creep down in the space between his skin and the mask. With his luck, that's something Logan can smell, too.

[He's all about others feeling their emotions, but when it comes to his own? It feels so choking...]

[ It doesn't hide it. He can sense it through how his body feels to hold, he can sniff it through how the loss of control impacts his smell. He can definitely smell the tears, but he says nothing about them, not wanting to pressure him. ]

Sometimes you have to break to come back stronger. Which fucking sucks.

[ He touches his back gently, rubbing it. ]

It's the only way to build yourself up with this shit.

[Although Logan's words and touch are not necessarily permission to break down, he tries in vain to contain a sharp sob.]

I'm fucking tired of having to be strong day in, day out.... Breaking or not doesn't change it. It's never changed anything. But if I don't stay strong, I'll just lie down and--

[He stops sharply, taking a shaking breath, voice already straining with the weight of everything.]

I hate this...

[ But he is giving permission. He'll be here for him, no matter how he reactions, no matter what he does. ]

It'll be different now.

Do you know why?

[ He leans back a little, putting his hands on his shoulders, and looks where his eyes are underneath the mask. ]

You have me to change things.

...You haven't lied to me. Not y...

[He stops there, starts again with a deep, shaky breath, wanting to look away. It feels like Logan is looking right at him despite how opaque the lenses are. Maybe he really can see his eyes behind the sapphires.]

...You haven't lied to me, so I'm more inclined to believe you.

[And here he is, having spouted off softer lies just to try to be tougher than he is. What the fuck...]

It can't be all on you. It would be cruel to you to think and act otherwise.

[He ducks his head slightly to break eye contact. Fuck. People generally don't even try to look him in the eyes even with the mask. This much is, well. Good. It feels more like a person every time and it's hard to get a grip.

[Because each minute spent, every gentle word spoken and act given, makes him wonder what reason it was that he's suffered so much. Makes him question if it really, really was justly earned. But outside of his high standing at work, to be met with contempt was all too common.

[This person who has nothing to gain or to lose by treating him poorly, is treating him kindly.

[Mouth pressing into a wobbling line, he pulls his mask off to minimize his discomfort, and pulls the hood of his coat far over his eyes to hide how the tears just keep falling. There's no hiding the way they drip down, nor the way his breath shudders as he tries to keep as much of his composure as possible.

[But he doesn't try to stop himself beyond that, beyond keeping a fragment of control tightly in his grasp, lest he lose all sense of their surroundings just to weep.]

[ He can see his eyes, just a little. He was always able to see Scott's eyes too, but he never said anything to him and he probably won't say anything here. It's a way of calling someone out that just isn't necesary. ]

I'm going to pull that hood away, and I'm going to kiss away those tears.

[ He doesn't make the move. He's asking for permission. He feels this is the only suitable thing at the moment. ]

Alright?

[At first, the wolf doesn't seem to react - other than to tighten his hold on the hood on his head, the other hand still clinging to Logan. His voice refuses to work at first, and he swallows hard to try to correct it.

[But, after a moment, he lets go of the hood on his head, lacking the courage to pull it away, himself. He nods, and instead holds onto Logan with both hands again.]

...Please.

[When he hood comes away, his face is a mess of tears (and his nose is stuffy, because of course it is - it's part of the reason why he didn't want to start crying in the first place!) and his ears are still flat against his head, as if trying to hide among his hair.

[Although he's holding himself as steadily as he can, the furrow to his brow is more pronounced, and he's quick to avoid eye contact for the moment. He just... it's all too much right now.]

[ Logan does exactly what he said he would. He kisses that furrow first, once, twice. Then he goes for the tears, kissing each one away gently. ]

It's okay to feel like this. I know it doesn't feel okay, but it shows that you're not what you think you are.

You think the people who treated you badly feel terrible about it? No. But you do, with any slightly negative treatment in return.

[ He kisses his nose, then his lips, once in a simple gesture. ]

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cw: mental health

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