tfln

[ex_subjudice464]

 

you know the drill.

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[sinistar]

[He huffs a frustrated sigh and sort of aggressively sprawls, forcefully taking up more space.]

We've had this conversation before, haven't we?

I wish I could remember.

[whatsfondue]

[Steve takes the blanket that's now scrounged up nearby and throws it over them both.]

We have, lots of times. The fact that we fell into it again like this means it's still probably in your brain somewhere.

[sinistar]

It has to be. I know that things are still there, I just can't get to them. I only get pieces, if that.

[He curls up unhappily, putting his head on his knees. When he speaks again his voice is very soft.]

Sometimes I'm not sure if I'll ever get it all. Or any more of it.

[whatsfondue]

[Steve puts a hand on Bucky's shoulder, squeezing sympathetically as his friend speaks.]

If you don't get it all, are you okay with that?

[sinistar]

I'm not quite sure I know what I am anymore.

I just wish I could remember so I could figure it out.

[whatsfondue]

[Steve doesn't speak for a long moment.]

You'll figure it out. I know you Bucky. You're too much of a stubborn jerk not too. Just...whatever you figure out, it should be what you're happy being and not what you think will make me happy. Alright?

[sinistar]

[He turns his head without moving the rest of him and looks up.]

I might as well be something, right?

[He tries to offer a half-smile and doesn't really succeed. He's used to being what he's made to be, not what he makes himself to be. He doesn't know how to build himself from scratch anymore.]

[whatsfondue]

You're already something, Bucky. You're just...adding on to it or discovering old pieces to it.

[sinistar]

I dunno. I was what someone else made me, so what am I supposed to be now?

[Especially if Steve didn't want him to be something for Steve.]

[whatsfondue]

That first part...that first part is wrong. No one should have done that to you, you know that right? I know...I know you can't go back to being the Bucky you were before the war. [Just like he couldn't go back to the Steve Rogers of before.] You should be whatever you want. And if you don't know, that's fine too. You've got plenty of time to figure it out.

[sinistar]

[He's silent for a few long minutes, staring out over the golden haze of city light. Everything was brighter than it used to be, it seemed like sometimes. Or maybe he was just misremembering. It's not like they hadn't had streetlights back in 1940. When he spoke, it was very sudden, and his voice sounded more disused than it usually did, these days. It was never so bad as it had been to start, when his voice had cracked and rumbled for lack of exercise when he tried to speak, but sometimes edges of those early days still crept in.]

They told me it was important, what I did. A gift, is what the last one said. I... I don't remember if I knew his name. The Man in Charge.

I'm not really sure why they bothered, maybe I caused trouble about it at some point. I can't remember anything specific.

I guess they just never told me who the gift was for.

[He doesn't sound upset, just pensive. It's one thing he could remember, soft words and eyes outlining the importance of what he did before or after they put him in the machine, where everything was hard angles and as sharp as broken glass, and his mind bled from it until it had bled its memories away again. It's important. That means this is all right. That means you need to work well, because it's so important. You're broken so we need to fix you. This is important.]

[whatsfondue]

[Steve started at that voice; he hasn't heard it in a while but occasionally it still came up, especially something they were doing touched on topics close to what they've been discussing tonight. It was a reminder that they had still a long way to go.

As he listened to Bucky's words though, his face began to gradually show a mix of disgust and horror. He didn't know who 'the Man in Charge' was but Steve was fighting a distinct desire to go hunt down that man right now.]

That's just...that man who told you all this, he was wrong. They were USING you like some sort of object and then telling you it was a gift? Yeah, it probably was a gift to them because they didn't have to pay any of the cost, didn't have to dirty their own hands for their version of the 'greater good'. It was all on you, someone who didn't even agree to it in the first and that was unfair and wrong.

[And Steve was also fairly sure that everything that 'man in charge' did say anything about who their 'gift' was for because Bucky was never meant to survive making Hydra's version of a new world.]

[sinistar]

Yeah. My gift to the world. That I'd shaped the century.

Guess, one way or another, that much was true. If you look at it right.

[After all, he'd been the one to pull the trigger, but he hadn't been the one to choose the targets.

Then he glances up at Steve and pauses. He looks way more upset than seems right.]

What's wrong?

[And he really sounds genuinely confused by the emotion he's seeing. Because yeah, they'd used him, and yeah he hadn't chosen what he was doing, but it was something that was happened, that was all.]

[whatsfondue]

[In that moment, Steve never hated anything as much as he hated Hydra. Hated how much they twisted so many things. He takes a deep breath, and forceably relaxed his clenched fists. He wants to go find a punching bag to take apart with his fists.]

Nothing. Nothing's wrong, Bucky. I hate that they've done this to you. Hate I couldn't stop it.

[sinistar]

Something is. I know that much.

[He watches as he relaxes by inches.]

But it's not your fault.

[This point, at least, seems obvious, and it's strange that Steve doesn't seem to get it.]

I can remember when I fell. You tried to catch me.

[I'd been glad, then, that it wasn't you - and wasn't it a good thing that it hadn't been, in the end? Wasn't it good it was me instead of you? The world needed Steve Rogers more than Bucky Barnes.]

[whatsfondue]

[People have been telling him over and over again since that first time that it wasn't his fault. Logically he knew it was the Hydra's fault but the heart was not logical.]

But I failed. Sometimes I wish it was me instead. Or that I'd fallen with you. [And that thought, the selfishness in that thought was enough to make him feel guilty in another way.]

[sinistar]

[That made him sit right up and stare, eyes fierce and bright.]

No.

[His voice is harder - much harder, and colder - then it's been for a very long time. He sounds more like the killer that they made him now, and his eyes are like chips of ice.]

No, you don't.

[Because I would gladly have died for you, gladly would, and would gladly kill to make sure that never happens.

Here.

Anywhere.

Never.]

[whatsfondue]

[Steve just looked fearlessly into those eyes. It was for him that Bucky looks and sounds like that and so the least he could do is not flinch back from it. He continued his previous sentence as if he hasn't stopped, his voice quiet and soft.]

Because then at least you wouldn't have been alone. [He'd woken up alone in this new world, but didn't stay that way. Eventually he had Sam, had the other Avengers. But Bucky had been alone.]

[sinistar]

No. You. Don't.

[His voice has become a hiss.]

That doesn't. Matter.

I would rather die, rather live a thousand years as their weapon, than ever have them touch you.

[He's gone as tense as an attack dog, because nobody, not even Steve himself, was going to hurt Steve like that. Nobody.]

[whatsfondue]

[Steve wished people Bucky would stop this. He wasn't worth people sacrificing themselves for.]

Stop. Don't, Bucky. Don't EVER do that again. Work with me don't just let yourself fall in my place.

[Steve takes a deep breath and closes his eyes.]

I don't think I can handle watching you fall a second time.

[sinistar]

[He smiles then, tight and joyless, and looks away again.]

I wasn't planning on falling the first time. But I was glad it was me and not you.

[whatsfondue]

[Steve just shook his head, feeling even more drained and tired before. The guilt was still there and probably never go away. He wished he could change Bucky's mind. There were so many things he wished he could change, could do over, do differently.]

[sinistar]

[He sighs and deflates a little.]

Look at it this way. Without you there wouldn't have been anyone to pull me out again. They would have won.

[whatsfondue]

[Steve knows that it could have gotten a lot worse. Knows that in all likelihood that if Project Insight had succeeded they would have disposed of 'the Asset'.]

You would have broken free eventually. Or someone else would have knocked some sense back into you.

[sinistar]

[He looks at him quite steadily and speaks the same.]

No I wouldn't have.

[He's not even arguing, just acting as though he's stating fact. And it's true. He hadn't in seventy years, and every time he tried he was wiped and refrozen.]