bakerstreet

[He smiles then, tight and joyless, and looks away again.]

I wasn't planning on falling the first time. But I was glad it was me and not you.

[Steve just shook his head, feeling even more drained and tired before. The guilt was still there and probably never go away. He wished he could change Bucky's mind. There were so many things he wished he could change, could do over, do differently.]

[He sighs and deflates a little.]

Look at it this way. Without you there wouldn't have been anyone to pull me out again. They would have won.

[Steve knows that it could have gotten a lot worse. Knows that in all likelihood that if Project Insight had succeeded they would have disposed of 'the Asset'.]

You would have broken free eventually. Or someone else would have knocked some sense back into you.

[He looks at him quite steadily and speaks the same.]

No I wouldn't have.

[He's not even arguing, just acting as though he's stating fact. And it's true. He hadn't in seventy years, and every time he tried he was wiped and refrozen.]

[Steve visibly deflates at it but he nods morosely this time, and tried for a smile this time, even though it doesn't quite reach his eyes.]

So all's well that ends well, huh.

[He looks away, because he can't stand to see that expression on Steve's face, and to know he put it there.

I deserve this, and you do not. Don't be sad for me.]

It's not over yet.

No, I know it's not.

[Not until the last bits of Hydra have been destroyed. ~~There was always more like them.~~ Not until Bucky's healed.

Steve's not going to give up.]

... I shouldn't have come.

I'm sorry.

[Steve's head snaps up, eyes wide and voice determined. If Bucky even looks like he was thinking of going away, he will pounce and not let ago.]

No. You have nothing to be sorry for. Nothing.

All I've done is make everything worse. You don't need that.

[Steve is going to be VERY stubborn on this.]

You have NOT. You are not responsible for what I do or feel, Bucky. And I'll decide what I need.

[He'd forgotten how frustrating Steve can be.]

You've done so much. You keep doing so much. All I've done, all I ever do, is make it worse.

[He was here to kill people, a living weapon, that was all he had left.

He felt like he wanted to crawl out of his skin.]

[Bucky is similarly frustrating to Steve, especially now.]

What you did under Hydra? That was not your fault. YOU did not make anything 'worse'. They did.

You are more than what you did under Hydra, Bucky.

[And if Steve keeps going, it's because he doesn't know how to do anything else.]

[His voice is very small.]

Hydra's not making me do anything anymore, and that's still all I know how to do.

It's not Hydra. It's me. It's what I am, this is me.

[Calling him Bucky makes Steve happy, so he answers to that, but he's not, really. He doesn't know what he is anymore. He doesn't even know if he's human. If he can be. What do you call a machine?]

[Steve is shaking his head even before Bucky is finishing.]

No...you're more than that. Yeah, you got the skills they forced on you but it's not all you are. You were a great sniper even before they got their hands on you. Saved my life more than once with it during the war. You can still do it now, right? That's all you and Hydra couldn't take that away.

And just a few minutes ago, you were ragging on me for jumping off of buildings. That's also you. Would Hydra's Soldier do that? Just because you don't remember the details doesn't mean it's not there.

How can you be something different than what you're supposed to be?

I'm not...

This isn't....

[He sinks down again, curling up with his hands over his head. He's shaking, he realizes. He's shaking.]

I shouldn't have come.

[Just how were you supposed to be someone who didn't exist anymore?]

[Seeing Bucky break down had Steve pushing his own issues to the back and he was pulling his best friend into a hug, wrapping himself as best as he could around Bucky as if to shield him from the world.]

It's alright, Bucky. It's alright. [Even as he says this Steve doesn't know if he could make it true.]

I'm glad you're here. I will never be NOT glad you're here.

[He shook his head a little, jerkily, and was trembling lightly, but didn't move other than that, didn't try to pull away. He wasn't supposed to pull away when he was being restrained, ḧ̴̿̓e̵̛͆̈͂'̷̿s ̷̋̒͝n̴͋oṫ̴̤̼̼͂͛̈́ͅ ̸̾̿s̴͊u̸̡̹͈̘̒̽́͐p̸p̷̘͓̰͚̄͗̊͑o̶̡̝̳͑̒͑͜͠ś̵̼̝̞̥̾͒̚ȇ̸̀͑͠ḑ̵͎̰̖̾̾̏͝ ̸̡̮̣͈̅̾́̊t̴͔̔̌̒̌o̵͚̖͇̗̎͒͑͝ ̴͔̭̠̳̾̔̋̕f̶̟͖̰͎̊͛̾̕i̶̩̥̣̬͆̃͂̈́g̸̺̙̱̘̽͋̏̕h̸̫̳͎̪͑͗͂̓t̵̼͙͓̤̏̎̂̕-

n̶̢̧̰͍͕͕͕͚̩̗̰̍̋̈́̉̀̃̄̅͊̅̇o̸̢̙̬̟̩̞̬̞̰̖̲͋̔̓̀̉̽̅̉̀̌͝

í̶̻ẗ̵̩s̷̡̃ ̵̛̮n̵̫̱̰͖̾͒͗͝ö̵̖͉͓̦́̔́̇t̶̨̘̗̥͆̌́̕ ̸̡̝̯̰͐̆͆͝h̖̰̪́̆̅̚͜ì̧̤͖̼̾͊͌m̧̙̺̩̀̿̽̑ ̧͍̯̞̈̈́͠ ̶̡̢̛̞̠̥̯̰̺̱͓̠̀̐̂̾̀̽̆̽́̿ḩ̶͇̗̫͙̳̩̹̠̪̋̅̈́̃̔̈́̑͜͠͝͠͝e̷̢̛̛͉̥͉̖̞͇̦͔̘̾̽̐͋͂̿̕͠͝ͅ'̵̢̨͎̘̬̤̫͚̱̱̽̾̄̓̽͊͌͂̇͝͝s̸̡̡̙̫͓̘͙͔͎̗͚͋̅͂͑̾̀̀̿̕͝͝ ̶̧̛͎̜͖̭̲̻͙̝̥̱̒͛̿̋̐̍͑̍̐f̷̧̢̱̪͉̪̣̪̘̹̿̽͛̄͆̔̐͐̅͘͜͠r̴̡̢̨̥͎̭̳̞̘̝̙͌̋̄͑̀͐̈̋̕͠͝ě̶̺͕̮̝͓̲͇̹̘̏̈́͐̉͗̃͂̈̀͝ͅẽ̴̡̞̙͚͉̣̖̰̺̩̈́̒̑̂͗̇̀͐̇ ̸̢͖̲͙̖̹̗̰͍̩̩̾͂̄̈̾͂̅̀̇̿̚n̶̡͖̩̮̼̫͙̮̘̹͔̈́͌̉̀͗̉̊̎̕͝͝ơ̴̡͓̜͉̻̖̫̞͇͓͎̇̅̾̃̎́̍̍̈́͝w̸̡̡̬͔͕͈̙̯͕̞̣̓̅̅̂̊́̃̓̏̿̚ ̷̧̟̦̱͔̝̰̟̬̞̱̏̆̎̎̑̑̓͗̓̚͠ṯ̶̢̛̬͍͚͈̗̤̮̜̬̙̼͈͍̫̩̥̌̒̓̇̒̎̇̏̇̇̔͂͋̇͆͛̎̈̈́̅́̃̚͜͠h̸̢̡̺͕̤̬̙͓̞̣̜̜̜̞̞͚̳̬̩̀̀̈͗͋̔̏̑́͆̿̄́̌̑̎̀͆͊́͠͠͝i̷̧̧͖̼͔̼̺̦͈͎̰̝̞̰̜͓̱͌̂̽͆̅͛̓̌͂͌́̈́̀͐̊̃̒̓͂̈͊͛̇̔̕ͅͅs̷̡̛̺̼̦̦̩̦̫̱̭̥͉̳̗͓͍͔̼͍̟̮̻̉̃̏̅͆̏̆͌̓̉͛̿͌̈͊͗̎͂̑̕̕̕͘ͅͅ ̶̡͇̘̻̟̙̗̜̻̭̳̘̩̬̮̘͖̳̎̽̈́̓̓̈́̌̃̀̾̍̓͗͊̿̎͋̕̚͘͘͠͝͠ͅͅȉ̷̡̢̧̫͉̦̞̭͉̼̩͔̟̻̟͕̣̘̝̱̭̯̯̅̈́́̀̂͗͛͒̐̎̏́̀̽͋͑̑̑͌̆̓̚͠͝ş̴̨̡̛̼͉̳͈̮̞̠͉̯̰̗̹̻̟̮͑͌̃̇͆͐̔̆̇͌͛̋̔̓̅͆͂̊͒̄̃͆͘͜ͅn̷̨̖̬̪̘̪̖͉̻̮̪̟͉͔̭̻͙̹̫̫̭̗͆̈́̽͌̍͑͛̄͛̋̇͒̅̌̒̉̅͆̔̓̇̿͠͠͝ͅ'̷̧̛̮̦͈͙̹̰̮̮̩̼̮̞̣̤̘̫͈̬̻̦̘͂̇̾͌̎́́̂͗̉̏̐̑͂̊̋̔̆̔̅̚͜͝t̸̢̡̡̨̢̜̬͉̗͙̯̠͉̱̪͍̹̮͎̼͚͛̄̾͗͑̅̍̇̇̃͆͑́̀͒̓̌̚͘͝ ̸̧̛̛̬̬̻̼̜͈̼̝̳̖̦̩̞̥̝̻̹́͋̒̄̏͊̏̽̈̉̀́͗̋̃̕͘͘͜͝͠͠ͅh̶̨̡̺̝̰̬͍̘͙̦͈̤͎̝̜͙̤̻͈̙͕͈̊̒̈́̍̊̈̈́̀͛͒̃̍̀̌̇̂̇̈͘͝i̴̡̡̢̢̦̭̱͖̺̝̻̘̟̟̥͓̥̰̯̰̠͖̤͑̐͑̈̓͐̔̋̃̓̐̽͗̎̅̽̓̈̓̐͆͠͝m̴̢̨̝͈̬̗̯̰̲͔̫͖͔̩͚͖̝͙̮̦̃̀́͌̓̓̎́̂̓́̄̓͛̒̌́̄̂̑̊͝ͅͅ ̵̨̧̨̨͈̹̜̤̜̝̳̗̮̦̜̖̺̤̣͍̩̰͖͐̏̆̆̍̈͐̓̏͒̊͋́̔͊̆̂͆͘̚͠͠ͅ ṅ̶̢̢̢̡̡̧̛̛̛̻̼̖̞̗̘͉̥͙̤͕̜̭̞̤͙̼̼̯͇̭̥̰̤̙̝̘̙͈̞̝̤̰̥̭̭̩͇̝̠́̂̔͆͐̉̃̊͋͊̓̿͋̈̀̀̎̐́̀̿̅̀͋̈̄̀̓̆̄̇̈́͗̉̑̑̈̈͊̄̕̕͜͝͠͝ͅǫ̵̡̛͇̩̥̲̳͍͕͉̟͔̼̻̪͖͇͓͇̭̬̞̪̬̥̰͎̝̞̬̤̳̘̮͉̗̲̝͍̲̗̻͖̲̩̘͚̖̞̩̽́̍̓̒̅͑͊̅̏̎̒̄̌̆̅̏͐̀̓̋̾̈́̄̓́̿̋̆̽̾̎̾̈́̿̈̇̏͐͆̈́͊̌̐̆͋̒̀̚͘͘͠ͅͅt̸̢̛̤̯̝̩̳̯̘̖̱͔̩̞̦͚͉̼͙̻̗͙͍͚̯̮̞̪͈͎̜͙̻̮̘̤͔̬͇͙̙̪͚̭̺̘͖̥̯̞̾̃̌̍͆͋̽͌͒͗͗̈́̇̆̍̏̓̀͗͌̒͒̒̈́͒̾̏̍͌̆̋͂̈̈́́͌̂͐͛͆̍̔̏́̈́̒͑̕͝͝͝͠͠-̸̧̡̛̖͕̺̺̳̖̤̦̟̰͎̙̪̞̲̻͉͓̟͖̮͓̭͑͆̽͐͆́̽̍̀̐̆͂͑̇̄̀̐́̅̾́̉̕͜͝͝͝ͅ!̶̡̡̧̛̣̥͈̙̟̰̤͉̫͖̬͖͚͖̠̺̹̼̫͙̖̠̫̝̺̞̞͕̣͕͗̄͒̐̔͒̉̆̎͋̈́͌͊̾͐̽̿̔͗̓̐̉͋̊͑̾̅͋̒̇̀̓̌͑̎̓͐̈́̊̎́̎̃͘͘͘̕̚͝͠͝͝͝ͅͅ!̵̢̛͇̫̹̳̼̹͎͍̫͖͙͕̺͖͉͈̠͙͙̩͕͉̲̖̼̰̮̻͚̝̪̺̤͎̬̮̦̺̹͈̞͇̺̖̗̮͙̝͚͔̯͈̉̿̂̆͊̈́̋̏̆͗͆́̆̓̽̄̉̐̒̈̏̇̽͋̒͌̄͊͗̂̎͋̍̍͊͆̅̅̾̕͜͜͝͝͠

Which is when he acts.

Bucky is very fast, the training saw to it, and he is very strong, and he knows how to fight- h̨̦͚̖̘̮̀̂̑̋̂̈́ȩ̨̻̻̟̰́̾̐̈̚̕ ͈̼͉̙̠̟͆̈͑̈̍͠k̢̡̲̟̟̩͗̈͌́͑̚n̥̝̞̠̬͖̈̃̾̐̐͐o̱̤̤̜̝̟͆̃̓̀̅̏w͖̬͔̻͙̹̑̀̊̉̈͝s̨͕̘̻̹͓̑̔̅̅͝͝ ͍̪̠̻͎͓̓́̎̐͂͑ḩ̩̥̹̭̼͒̽͆̀͛̈o̡̪͖̺͇̰̎͗̂̍́͂w̢̮̭̞̺͒̓̍͑͑͆͜ ̡̠̦̬̜̫̍̃̓͑̿͛t̡̼̫̯̼̗͋̊͗̍͘͠ǫ̦̮͍̲̝͛̀̄̾̀̅ ̛͈̤̳̻͔̱͊͂̂̃̚ķ̴̥͙̲͉͕̬̞͔̟̯̻͇̐̑̈́͛͗̒͗̾̽͒̑̚͘i̵̡̹̖̼̱̥̠̬̥̰͉̱̘̘̇̆͛̏͛͌̿̆͗̚̚̚͘͠l̷̢̞̝̥̠̹͔͚͎͎̰͙̳̏͛̋̃̊́̀̈́̆̆̕̚͝l̵̢͈̗̩͕̰̟̮̲͇̱̲͈̆̈́͑̎̓̑̈́̄͛̌̂̽̿̕ͅ((no he did not have to anymore but they would make him if they could they will not) and so when he lashes out and twists away it is with power behind it.

Until.

Oh, until he realizes who it is he is, and then he freezes with a head full of static and his heart and his throat and wonders just how low you have to sink before you're actually grateful that this time you didn't try to kill your best friend, that that was the best that could be said of you, because he'd reached that point and he wasn't sure there was further he could fall. He starts to shake for an entirely different reason. He should be in a cage. They should lock him up and not let him out, he should go over to what remains of SHIELD and hand himself over to be caged and studied, it's best, it's safest for all. He's whispering curses in English and Russian and he's not entirely sure which language is his, anymore. And he can't even apologize, because it's all his fault, this is his fault, he'd attacked.]

One moment, Steve was almost panicking himself as Bucky seemed to shut down all of a sudden during their conversation. Another moment, and he was flying through the air, the air knocked out of him and a pain in his upper torso where Bucky have shoved him off.

Vaguely, Steve thought to himself that he'd forgotten (or was it ignored) just how strong Bucky was now as he went right over the edge of the roof. Reality crashed back in and Steve was scrambling to find a ledge to hold on to. There was no shield for him to bounce off of today and despite what some thought he was not actively looking to die ~~not when Bucky still needs him~~.

Luckily, the building was old and had plenty of rough ledges and foot holds for him to hang on to and then he was hoisting himself back onto the rooftop, eyes bright from the sudden adrenaline rush.

[Over the edge he'd sent him over the edge ~~once a killer always one~~ and it only took a moment for Bucky to fling himself towards the edge, where he'd-

What?

There was nothingnotanythingnothingnothing

he'd caught it

bucky wanted to throw up.

He almost fell over, flying backwards so fast as Steve climbed up, only stopping when he was s far as he could get without actually leaving the roof. He wasn't trembling any more, but shaking.

He doesn't deserve to talk to him, but as his frantic eyes flicker over him he can't help it anyway.]

Did I hurt you?

Bucky, I'm fine. You didn't hurt me.

[Steve was pretty sure there was a nasty bruise where he was shoved but that was nothing compared to past injuries. And he knew that Bucky will blame himself, is ALREADY blaming himself, if he says any word about it. So instead, he crouches down closer to the ground so as not to be looming over his best friend that looks like he was going to go into another panic attack.]

I'm sorry. This is my fault, not yours. Okay? MY FAULT. You were having a panic attack and Sam WARNED me about this but I just couldn't help myself. I shouldn't have touched you without permission. So I'm sorry and I won't do it again.

[He shook his head jerkily, as though he'd forgotten how. He'd been breaking down, caught in a flashback, but he couldn't do that, he couldn't risk Steve. Or anyone else, but....]

I should be locked up again.

[His voice sounded wooden.]

[(But wouldn't locking him up again give someone else access to him, give them another weapon, and all they had to do was point him in the right direction again, that's all he was, that's all there was left to him)]

Who do you trust?

[... with me? Who do you trust me to take me and put me in a box and not take me out again when it gets convenient to do that?

His voice rang hollow as he spoke.]

No. [Steve's voice was cutting in almost before Bucky's finished speaking. He closed his eyes and took a deep breathe to keep himself calm. Because one of them has to be in this situation.]

No, I'm not locking you up or doing anything of that sort. That is not an option. That is never an option.

[Steve wishes he knew what to say, what to do, just anything so that Bucky will believe him. Will trust himself more.]

You ask who I trust? You. That's who I trust.

Why?

[His voice cracks out like a gunshot.]

Why I should be you shouldn't I tried to kill you I just threw you off a roof-!

[He forcibly shuts himself up and bows his head, wrapping his arms around it, sliding fingers back through his hair, loose bangs and tight uneven strands when it started being long enough to pull back and grabbing handfuls like he could pull himself back to reality. He could feel hairs getting caught in the finger and hand joints for his metal arm and pulling but ignored it. If anyone should be jumping off roofs it should be him, he hurt people, he ruined things, that was all there was left.

But he couldn't.]

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