[Steve is shaking his head even before Bucky is finishing.]
No...you're more than that. Yeah, you got the skills they forced on you but it's not all you are. You were a great sniper even before they got their hands on you. Saved my life more than once with it during the war. You can still do it now, right? That's all you and Hydra couldn't take that away.
And just a few minutes ago, you were ragging on me for jumping off of buildings. That's also you. Would Hydra's Soldier do that? Just because you don't remember the details doesn't mean it's not there.
[Seeing Bucky break down had Steve pushing his own issues to the back and he was pulling his best friend into a hug, wrapping himself as best as he could around Bucky as if to shield him from the world.]
It's alright, Bucky. It's alright. [Even as he says this Steve doesn't know if he could make it true.]
I'm glad you're here. I will never be NOT glad you're here.
[He shook his head a little, jerkily, and was trembling lightly, but didn't move other than that, didn't try to pull away. He wasn't supposed to pull away when he was being restrained, ḧ̴̿̓e̵̛͆̈͂'̷̿s ̷̋̒͝n̴͋oṫ̴̤̼̼͂͛̈́ͅ ̸̾̿s̴͊u̸̡̹͈̘̒̽́͐p̸p̷̘͓̰͚̄͗̊͑o̶̡̝̳͑̒͑͜͠ś̵̼̝̞̥̾͒̚ȇ̸̀͑͠ḑ̵͎̰̖̾̾̏͝ ̸̡̮̣͈̅̾́̊t̴͔̔̌̒̌o̵͚̖͇̗̎͒͑͝ ̴͔̭̠̳̾̔̋̕f̶̟͖̰͎̊͛̾̕i̶̩̥̣̬͆̃͂̈́g̸̺̙̱̘̽͋̏̕h̸̫̳͎̪͑͗͂̓t̵̼͙͓̤̏̎̂̕-
Bucky is very fast, the training saw to it, and he is very strong, and he knows how to fight- h̨̦͚̖̘̮̀̂̑̋̂̈́ȩ̨̻̻̟̰́̾̐̈̚̕ ͈̼͉̙̠̟͆̈͑̈̍͠k̢̡̲̟̟̩͗̈͌́͑̚n̥̝̞̠̬͖̈̃̾̐̐͐o̱̤̤̜̝̟͆̃̓̀̅̏w͖̬͔̻͙̹̑̀̊̉̈͝s̨͕̘̻̹͓̑̔̅̅͝͝ ͍̪̠̻͎͓̓́̎̐͂͑ḩ̩̥̹̭̼͒̽͆̀͛̈o̡̪͖̺͇̰̎͗̂̍́͂w̢̮̭̞̺͒̓̍͑͑͆͜ ̡̠̦̬̜̫̍̃̓͑̿͛t̡̼̫̯̼̗͋̊͗̍͘͠ǫ̦̮͍̲̝͛̀̄̾̀̅ ̛͈̤̳̻͔̱͊͂̂̃̚ķ̴̥͙̲͉͕̬̞͔̟̯̻͇̐̑̈́͛͗̒͗̾̽͒̑̚͘i̵̡̹̖̼̱̥̠̬̥̰͉̱̘̘̇̆͛̏͛͌̿̆͗̚̚̚͘͠l̷̢̞̝̥̠̹͔͚͎͎̰͙̳̏͛̋̃̊́̀̈́̆̆̕̚͝l̵̢͈̗̩͕̰̟̮̲͇̱̲͈̆̈́͑̎̓̑̈́̄͛̌̂̽̿̕ͅ((no he did not have to anymore but they would make him if they could they will not) and so when he lashes out and twists away it is with power behind it.
Until.
Oh, until he realizes who it is he is, and then he freezes with a head full of static and his heart and his throat and wonders just how low you have to sink before you're actually grateful that this time you didn't try to kill your best friend, that that was the best that could be said of you, because he'd reached that point and he wasn't sure there was further he could fall. He starts to shake for an entirely different reason. He should be in a cage. They should lock him up and not let him out, he should go over to what remains of SHIELD and hand himself over to be caged and studied, it's best, it's safest for all. He's whispering curses in English and Russian and he's not entirely sure which language is his, anymore. And he can't even apologize, because it's all his fault, this is his fault, he'd attacked.]
One moment, Steve was almost panicking himself as Bucky seemed to shut down all of a sudden during their conversation. Another moment, and he was flying through the air, the air knocked out of him and a pain in his upper torso where Bucky have shoved him off.
Vaguely, Steve thought to himself that he'd forgotten (or was it ignored) just how strong Bucky was now as he went right over the edge of the roof. Reality crashed back in and Steve was scrambling to find a ledge to hold on to. There was no shield for him to bounce off of today and despite what some thought he was not actively looking to die not when Bucky still needs him.
Luckily, the building was old and had plenty of rough ledges and foot holds for him to hang on to and then he was hoisting himself back onto the rooftop, eyes bright from the sudden adrenaline rush.
[Over the edge he'd sent him over the edgeonce a killer always one and it only took a moment for Bucky to fling himself towards the edge, where he'd-
What?
There was nothingnotanythingnothingnothing
he'd caught it
bucky wanted to throw up.
He almost fell over, flying backwards so fast as Steve climbed up, only stopping when he was s far as he could get without actually leaving the roof. He wasn't trembling any more, but shaking.
He doesn't deserve to talk to him, but as his frantic eyes flicker over him he can't help it anyway.]
[Steve was pretty sure there was a nasty bruise where he was shoved but that was nothing compared to past injuries. And he knew that Bucky will blame himself, is ALREADY blaming himself, if he says any word about it. So instead, he crouches down closer to the ground so as not to be looming over his best friend that looks like he was going to go into another panic attack.]
I'm sorry. This is my fault, not yours. Okay? MY FAULT. You were having a panic attack and Sam WARNED me about this but I just couldn't help myself. I shouldn't have touched you without permission. So I'm sorry and I won't do it again.
[He shook his head jerkily, as though he'd forgotten how. He'd been breaking down, caught in a flashback, but he couldn't do that, he couldn't risk Steve. Or anyone else, but....]
I should be locked up again.
[His voice sounded wooden.]
[(But wouldn't locking him up again give someone else access to him, give them another weapon, and all they had to do was point him in the right direction again, that's all he was, that's all there was left to him)]
Who do you trust?
[... with me? Who do you trust me to take me and put me in a box and not take me out again when it gets convenient to do that?
No. [Steve's voice was cutting in almost before Bucky's finished speaking. He closed his eyes and took a deep breathe to keep himself calm. Because one of them has to be in this situation.]
No, I'm not locking you up or doing anything of that sort. That is not an option. That is never an option.
[Steve wishes he knew what to say, what to do, just anything so that Bucky will believe him. Will trust himself more.]
Why I should be you shouldn't I tried to kill you I just threw you off a roof-!
[He forcibly shuts himself up and bows his head, wrapping his arms around it, sliding fingers back through his hair, loose bangs and tight uneven strands when it started being long enough to pull back and grabbing handfuls like he could pull himself back to reality. He could feel hairs getting caught in the finger and hand joints for his metal arm and pulling but ignored it. If anyone should be jumping off roofs it should be him, he hurt people, he ruined things, that was all there was left.
Because you're my friend. I told you I'm with you till the end of the line, Bucky. No matter what.
[Steve's fists tighten, digging his fingers into his own palms to stop himself from moving forward and hugging Bucky again. He wants to, so badly but he knows a second attempt will not go over well right now.]
I've jumped off buildings before, Bucky. Remembering what I said about bouncing?
[He's shaking again, or still, or whatever it is as he sinks to the ground and curls up as tight as he can. Finally he does speak, as clearly and slowly as he can as though maybe that will make Steve understand, maybe just talking to him carefully will make him get it.]
I'm not safe either, Bucky. [Steve knows, how strong he is now, he easy he could kill someone if he's careless. How he could do damage without knowing it.]
Won't you trust me? Trust me not to let you hurt me.
A lot of nights I still wake up shaking...like I'm never going to be warm again. And some nights I can't remember where I am, that I might have been captured by Hydra or still in the ice. On those nights if someone snuck up on me or woke up me, I probably would have lashed out and hurt someone pretty seriously. It was okay, back when I was living on a SHIELD base. They understood what not to do. So I was lucky that way.
[Steve gives a shrug and looks away.]
And yes, exactly. YOU WERE NOT IN CONTROL. So why should I blame you? I really should have known better and I'll do better next time.
So...will you let me hug you now? I really want to.
Then why won't you let me be the one to remind you of what you are?
[Even if Bucky himself doesn't know, that's okay.]
I'm not leaving, Bucky. I'm not making that mistake again. Once was enough. [Just look at that obstinate expression on his face.] You can punch me in the face again, I'll still come back.
They used to restrain me, before and after missions, when the scientists were there. Before they put me back in the machine, especially. Sometimes other times.
I... I didn't....
[I'd thought I was there, and that I had to fight, maybe, that I wasn't supposed to fight - but it happened sometimes, of course.
He swallows. He still won't look at Steve, but he puts forth his best effort to sound normal.]
You're still gonna find a way to be the death of me.
[He knew that what Hydra did to Bucky was wrong, was evil, that it did damage in ways he couldn't imagine. But to hear that they took even this kind of comfort away from him..].
You thought me hugging you was like being restrained. Okay. I know now. I'll be careful.
[And he also knows now that Bucky DID try to fight, in some way. That it wasn't all passive. That was why they had to use restraints in the first place.]
[Steve doesn't know what to say. He has no point of reference for this, doesn't know even remotely how that would feel like.]
You were fighting back. Even confused, even if you didn't know who you were then, you were fighting back against people who did hurt you, did terrible harm to you. It's normal.
And Bucky. If I am ever the one to do something like that to you. I'd WANT you to fight back. To stop me.
[Steve shrugs. For him, the choice was an easy one back then. He had nothing left to lose after all.]
I was thinking the Red Skull needed to be stopped. It was crashing the plane into the arctic, or crashing it into a place like New York.
I know that. What I mean is, if I was doing something that was hurting you, you need to stop me, not let me continue just because you don't want to hurt me.
[He wished there was more he could do.]
No parachute, so the end result would have been the same. And I definitely need to be sure it went down for good so...
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no subject
No...you're more than that. Yeah, you got the skills they forced on you but it's not all you are. You were a great sniper even before they got their hands on you. Saved my life more than once with it during the war. You can still do it now, right? That's all you and Hydra couldn't take that away.
And just a few minutes ago, you were ragging on me for jumping off of buildings. That's also you. Would Hydra's Soldier do that? Just because you don't remember the details doesn't mean it's not there.
no subject
I'm not...
This isn't....
[He sinks down again, curling up with his hands over his head. He's shaking, he realizes. He's shaking.]
I shouldn't have come.
[Just how were you supposed to be someone who didn't exist anymore?]
no subject
It's alright, Bucky. It's alright. [Even as he says this Steve doesn't know if he could make it true.]
I'm glad you're here. I will never be NOT glad you're here.
no subject
n̶̢̧̰͍͕͕͕͚̩̗̰̍̋̈́̉̀̃̄̅͊̅̇o̸̢̙̬̟̩̞̬̞̰̖̲͋̔̓̀̉̽̅̉̀̌͝
í̶̻ẗ̵̩s̷̡̃ ̵̛̮n̵̫̱̰͖̾͒͗͝ö̵̖͉͓̦́̔́̇t̶̨̘̗̥͆̌́̕ ̸̡̝̯̰͐̆͆͝h̖̰̪́̆̅̚͜ì̧̤͖̼̾͊͌m̧̙̺̩̀̿̽̑ ̧͍̯̞̈̈́͠ ̶̡̢̛̞̠̥̯̰̺̱͓̠̀̐̂̾̀̽̆̽́̿ḩ̶͇̗̫͙̳̩̹̠̪̋̅̈́̃̔̈́̑͜͠͝͠͝e̷̢̛̛͉̥͉̖̞͇̦͔̘̾̽̐͋͂̿̕͠͝ͅ'̵̢̨͎̘̬̤̫͚̱̱̽̾̄̓̽͊͌͂̇͝͝s̸̡̡̙̫͓̘͙͔͎̗͚͋̅͂͑̾̀̀̿̕͝͝ ̶̧̛͎̜͖̭̲̻͙̝̥̱̒͛̿̋̐̍͑̍̐f̷̧̢̱̪͉̪̣̪̘̹̿̽͛̄͆̔̐͐̅͘͜͠r̴̡̢̨̥͎̭̳̞̘̝̙͌̋̄͑̀͐̈̋̕͠͝ě̶̺͕̮̝͓̲͇̹̘̏̈́͐̉͗̃͂̈̀͝ͅẽ̴̡̞̙͚͉̣̖̰̺̩̈́̒̑̂͗̇̀͐̇ ̸̢͖̲͙̖̹̗̰͍̩̩̾͂̄̈̾͂̅̀̇̿̚n̶̡͖̩̮̼̫͙̮̘̹͔̈́͌̉̀͗̉̊̎̕͝͝ơ̴̡͓̜͉̻̖̫̞͇͓͎̇̅̾̃̎́̍̍̈́͝w̸̡̡̬͔͕͈̙̯͕̞̣̓̅̅̂̊́̃̓̏̿̚ ̷̧̟̦̱͔̝̰̟̬̞̱̏̆̎̎̑̑̓͗̓̚͠ṯ̶̢̛̬͍͚͈̗̤̮̜̬̙̼͈͍̫̩̥̌̒̓̇̒̎̇̏̇̇̔͂͋̇͆͛̎̈̈́̅́̃̚͜͠h̸̢̡̺͕̤̬̙͓̞̣̜̜̜̞̞͚̳̬̩̀̀̈͗͋̔̏̑́͆̿̄́̌̑̎̀͆͊́͠͠͝i̷̧̧͖̼͔̼̺̦͈͎̰̝̞̰̜͓̱͌̂̽͆̅͛̓̌͂͌́̈́̀͐̊̃̒̓͂̈͊͛̇̔̕ͅͅs̷̡̛̺̼̦̦̩̦̫̱̭̥͉̳̗͓͍͔̼͍̟̮̻̉̃̏̅͆̏̆͌̓̉͛̿͌̈͊͗̎͂̑̕̕̕͘ͅͅ ̶̡͇̘̻̟̙̗̜̻̭̳̘̩̬̮̘͖̳̎̽̈́̓̓̈́̌̃̀̾̍̓͗͊̿̎͋̕̚͘͘͠͝͠ͅͅȉ̷̡̢̧̫͉̦̞̭͉̼̩͔̟̻̟͕̣̘̝̱̭̯̯̅̈́́̀̂͗͛͒̐̎̏́̀̽͋͑̑̑͌̆̓̚͠͝ş̴̨̡̛̼͉̳͈̮̞̠͉̯̰̗̹̻̟̮͑͌̃̇͆͐̔̆̇͌͛̋̔̓̅͆͂̊͒̄̃͆͘͜ͅn̷̨̖̬̪̘̪̖͉̻̮̪̟͉͔̭̻͙̹̫̫̭̗͆̈́̽͌̍͑͛̄͛̋̇͒̅̌̒̉̅͆̔̓̇̿͠͠͝ͅ'̷̧̛̮̦͈͙̹̰̮̮̩̼̮̞̣̤̘̫͈̬̻̦̘͂̇̾͌̎́́̂͗̉̏̐̑͂̊̋̔̆̔̅̚͜͝t̸̢̡̡̨̢̜̬͉̗͙̯̠͉̱̪͍̹̮͎̼͚͛̄̾͗͑̅̍̇̇̃͆͑́̀͒̓̌̚͘͝ ̸̧̛̛̬̬̻̼̜͈̼̝̳̖̦̩̞̥̝̻̹́͋̒̄̏͊̏̽̈̉̀́͗̋̃̕͘͘͜͝͠͠ͅh̶̨̡̺̝̰̬͍̘͙̦͈̤͎̝̜͙̤̻͈̙͕͈̊̒̈́̍̊̈̈́̀͛͒̃̍̀̌̇̂̇̈͘͝i̴̡̡̢̢̦̭̱͖̺̝̻̘̟̟̥͓̥̰̯̰̠͖̤͑̐͑̈̓͐̔̋̃̓̐̽͗̎̅̽̓̈̓̐͆͠͝m̴̢̨̝͈̬̗̯̰̲͔̫͖͔̩͚͖̝͙̮̦̃̀́͌̓̓̎́̂̓́̄̓͛̒̌́̄̂̑̊͝ͅͅ ̵̨̧̨̨͈̹̜̤̜̝̳̗̮̦̜̖̺̤̣͍̩̰͖͐̏̆̆̍̈͐̓̏͒̊͋́̔͊̆̂͆͘̚͠͠ͅ ṅ̶̢̢̢̡̡̧̛̛̛̻̼̖̞̗̘͉̥͙̤͕̜̭̞̤͙̼̼̯͇̭̥̰̤̙̝̘̙͈̞̝̤̰̥̭̭̩͇̝̠́̂̔͆͐̉̃̊͋͊̓̿͋̈̀̀̎̐́̀̿̅̀͋̈̄̀̓̆̄̇̈́͗̉̑̑̈̈͊̄̕̕͜͝͠͝ͅǫ̵̡̛͇̩̥̲̳͍͕͉̟͔̼̻̪͖͇͓͇̭̬̞̪̬̥̰͎̝̞̬̤̳̘̮͉̗̲̝͍̲̗̻͖̲̩̘͚̖̞̩̽́̍̓̒̅͑͊̅̏̎̒̄̌̆̅̏͐̀̓̋̾̈́̄̓́̿̋̆̽̾̎̾̈́̿̈̇̏͐͆̈́͊̌̐̆͋̒̀̚͘͘͠ͅͅt̸̢̛̤̯̝̩̳̯̘̖̱͔̩̞̦͚͉̼͙̻̗͙͍͚̯̮̞̪͈͎̜͙̻̮̘̤͔̬͇͙̙̪͚̭̺̘͖̥̯̞̾̃̌̍͆͋̽͌͒͗͗̈́̇̆̍̏̓̀͗͌̒͒̒̈́͒̾̏̍͌̆̋͂̈̈́́͌̂͐͛͆̍̔̏́̈́̒͑̕͝͝͝͠͠-̸̧̡̛̖͕̺̺̳̖̤̦̟̰͎̙̪̞̲̻͉͓̟͖̮͓̭͑͆̽͐͆́̽̍̀̐̆͂͑̇̄̀̐́̅̾́̉̕͜͝͝͝ͅ!̶̡̡̧̛̣̥͈̙̟̰̤͉̫͖̬͖͚͖̠̺̹̼̫͙̖̠̫̝̺̞̞͕̣͕͗̄͒̐̔͒̉̆̎͋̈́͌͊̾͐̽̿̔͗̓̐̉͋̊͑̾̅͋̒̇̀̓̌͑̎̓͐̈́̊̎́̎̃͘͘͘̕̚͝͠͝͝͝ͅͅ!̵̢̛͇̫̹̳̼̹͎͍̫͖͙͕̺͖͉͈̠͙͙̩͕͉̲̖̼̰̮̻͚̝̪̺̤͎̬̮̦̺̹͈̞͇̺̖̗̮͙̝͚͔̯͈̉̿̂̆͊̈́̋̏̆͗͆́̆̓̽̄̉̐̒̈̏̇̽͋̒͌̄͊͗̂̎͋̍̍͊͆̅̅̾̕͜͜͝͝͠
Which is when he acts.
Bucky is very fast, the training saw to it, and he is very strong, and he knows how to fight- h̨̦͚̖̘̮̀̂̑̋̂̈́ȩ̨̻̻̟̰́̾̐̈̚̕ ͈̼͉̙̠̟͆̈͑̈̍͠k̢̡̲̟̟̩͗̈͌́͑̚n̥̝̞̠̬͖̈̃̾̐̐͐o̱̤̤̜̝̟͆̃̓̀̅̏w͖̬͔̻͙̹̑̀̊̉̈͝s̨͕̘̻̹͓̑̔̅̅͝͝ ͍̪̠̻͎͓̓́̎̐͂͑ḩ̩̥̹̭̼͒̽͆̀͛̈o̡̪͖̺͇̰̎͗̂̍́͂w̢̮̭̞̺͒̓̍͑͑͆͜ ̡̠̦̬̜̫̍̃̓͑̿͛t̡̼̫̯̼̗͋̊͗̍͘͠ǫ̦̮͍̲̝͛̀̄̾̀̅ ̛͈̤̳̻͔̱͊͂̂̃̚ķ̴̥͙̲͉͕̬̞͔̟̯̻͇̐̑̈́͛͗̒͗̾̽͒̑̚͘i̵̡̹̖̼̱̥̠̬̥̰͉̱̘̘̇̆͛̏͛͌̿̆͗̚̚̚͘͠l̷̢̞̝̥̠̹͔͚͎͎̰͙̳̏͛̋̃̊́̀̈́̆̆̕̚͝l̵̢͈̗̩͕̰̟̮̲͇̱̲͈̆̈́͑̎̓̑̈́̄͛̌̂̽̿̕ͅ((no he did not have to anymore but they would make him if they could they will not) and so when he lashes out and twists away it is with power behind it.
Until.
Oh, until he realizes who it is he is, and then he freezes with a head full of static and his heart and his throat and wonders just how low you have to sink before you're actually grateful that this time you didn't try to kill your best friend, that that was the best that could be said of you, because he'd reached that point and he wasn't sure there was further he could fall. He starts to shake for an entirely different reason. He should be in a cage. They should lock him up and not let him out, he should go over to what remains of SHIELD and hand himself over to be caged and studied, it's best, it's safest for all. He's whispering curses in English and Russian and he's not entirely sure which language is his, anymore. And he can't even apologize, because it's all his fault, this is his fault, he'd attacked.]
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Vaguely, Steve thought to himself that he'd forgotten (or was it ignored) just how strong Bucky was now as he went right over the edge of the roof. Reality crashed back in and Steve was scrambling to find a ledge to hold on to. There was no shield for him to bounce off of today and despite what some thought he was not actively looking to die
not when Bucky still needs him.Luckily, the building was old and had plenty of rough ledges and foot holds for him to hang on to and then he was hoisting himself back onto the rooftop, eyes bright from the sudden adrenaline rush.
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once a killer always oneand it only took a moment for Bucky to fling himself towards the edge, where he'd-What?
There was nothingnotanythingnothingnothing
he'd caught it
bucky wanted to throw up.
He almost fell over, flying backwards so fast as Steve climbed up, only stopping when he was s far as he could get without actually leaving the roof. He wasn't trembling any more, but shaking.
He doesn't deserve to talk to him, but as his frantic eyes flicker over him he can't help it anyway.]
Did I hurt you?
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[Steve was pretty sure there was a nasty bruise where he was shoved but that was nothing compared to past injuries. And he knew that Bucky will blame himself, is ALREADY blaming himself, if he says any word about it. So instead, he crouches down closer to the ground so as not to be looming over his best friend that looks like he was going to go into another panic attack.]
I'm sorry. This is my fault, not yours. Okay? MY FAULT. You were having a panic attack and Sam WARNED me about this but I just couldn't help myself. I shouldn't have touched you without permission. So I'm sorry and I won't do it again.
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I should be locked up again.
[His voice sounded wooden.]
[(But wouldn't locking him up again give someone else access to him, give them another weapon, and all they had to do was point him in the right direction again, that's all he was, that's all there was left to him)]
Who do you trust?
[... with me? Who do you trust me to take me and put me in a box and not take me out again when it gets convenient to do that?
His voice rang hollow as he spoke.]
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No, I'm not locking you up or doing anything of that sort. That is not an option. That is never an option.
[Steve wishes he knew what to say, what to do, just anything so that Bucky will believe him. Will trust himself more.]
You ask who I trust? You. That's who I trust.
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[His voice cracks out like a gunshot.]
Why I should be you shouldn't I tried to kill you I just threw you off a roof-!
[He forcibly shuts himself up and bows his head, wrapping his arms around it, sliding fingers back through his hair, loose bangs and tight uneven strands when it started being long enough to pull back and grabbing handfuls like he could pull himself back to reality. He could feel hairs getting caught in the finger and hand joints for his metal arm and pulling but ignored it. If anyone should be jumping off roofs it should be him, he hurt people, he ruined things, that was all there was left.
But he couldn't.]
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[Steve's fists tighten, digging his fingers into his own palms to stop himself from moving forward and hugging Bucky again. He wants to, so badly but he knows a second attempt will not go over well right now.]
I've jumped off buildings before, Bucky. Remembering what I said about bouncing?
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I'm not safe.
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Won't you trust me? Trust me not to let you hurt me.
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You-
Yes you are.
Maybe not for yourself to be around but I can't think of anyone safer than you. What are you saying?
[He starts shaking at that and shakes his head, still looking like a puppet as he does so.]
I've already hurt you. I almost killed you. I- I was trying to, and I can't control myself still and I just proved that.
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[Steve gives a shrug and looks away.]
And yes, exactly. YOU WERE NOT IN CONTROL. So why should I blame you? I really should have known better and I'll do better next time.
So...will you let me hug you now? I really want to.
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[If you're somebody at all.
If yoũ̯'͎͆r̮͝e̥͠ ̷͈̦͂̋n̸̯̬̄̕ơ̷̝͕͆ṱ̶̗̌̊-
nonononono he can't break down, not here.]
Would you stop trying to blame yourself for this?? I'm the one who....
I'm not safe.
[His voice has become almost pleading. Steve, why won't you just look after yourself?]
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[Even if Bucky himself doesn't know, that's okay.]
I'm not leaving, Bucky. I'm not making that mistake again. Once was enough. [Just look at that obstinate expression on his face.] You can punch me in the face again, I'll still come back.
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Back-
I didn't remember who I was, or where I was. I thought I was back....
[He can't say it, not to Steve.]
If I lose myself again I'll try to hurt you again. It might even be deliberate.
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Back...back where? With Hydra?
...falling?
I don't care. I know the risks. I'm still staying.
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They used to restrain me, before and after missions, when the scientists were there. Before they put me back in the machine, especially. Sometimes other times.
I... I didn't....
[I'd thought I was there, and that I had to fight, maybe, that I wasn't supposed to fight - but it happened sometimes, of course.
He swallows. He still won't look at Steve, but he puts forth his best effort to sound normal.]
You're still gonna find a way to be the death of me.
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You thought me hugging you was like being restrained. Okay. I know now. I'll be careful.
[And he also knows now that Bucky DID try to fight, in some way. That it wasn't all passive. That was why they had to use restraints in the first place.]
Yeah. And the same back at you.
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Didn't want to be. I remembered....
I think I still hurt people sometimes. I think I killed some of them. And I thought you....
[I was there, that you were one of them, that you'd come to hold me down and take me to-
He draws a shuddering breath.]
I already heard about that. What was I, gone two weeks? Who told you that you could crash that plane into the arctic?
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You were fighting back. Even confused, even if you didn't know who you were then, you were fighting back against people who did hurt you, did terrible harm to you. It's normal.
And Bucky. If I am ever the one to do something like that to you. I'd WANT you to fight back. To stop me.
[Steve shrugs. For him, the choice was an easy one back then. He had nothing left to lose after all.]
I was thinking the Red Skull needed to be stopped. It was crashing the plane into the arctic, or crashing it into a place like New York.
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I don't want to hurt you, you idiot.
Sometimes I'd remember things. I... I think. I can't remember it exactly.
[The inside of his head was a tangle of memory fragments.]
So why didn't you point the nose down and jump out the tail? Don't act like you couldn't have.
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I know that. What I mean is, if I was doing something that was hurting you, you need to stop me, not let me continue just because you don't want to hurt me.
[He wished there was more he could do.]
No parachute, so the end result would have been the same. And I definitely need to be sure it went down for good so...
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