bakerstreet | is it hot in here or is the floor LAVA

is it hot in here or is the floor LAVA

Just share the damn bed with me.

For whatever reason, the floor is an unacceptable place to sleep. It's messy, the dog is there, THE FLOOR IS LAVA, there's flooding, feels weird, or it's too dirty to walk on. Who cares why it's not acceptable, it just isn't! Normally, that's not an issue, but tonight you have a friend over. Maybe it's the safest place, maybe it's hurricane season and your house is the only one out of the path of the storm. Are they mooching off you? Stop trying to figure out the details! Just get over it and share the bed with that person! Sexy times are not required. Intimacy is not required. Just share the damn bed already.

Do you need options? DO YOU? Here! Have some options!

1. It's late. You're tired. Too tired to drive and THE FLOOR IS LAVA.
2. It's late. You're drunk. Too drunk. Honestly, how did you drink that much and not die? Should we take you to the hospital? Here, just stay in this bed with me. No, you can't sleep on the floor. THE FLOOR IS LAVA.
3. It's early. You thought you'd just come by and visit but you can barely function. The bed seems inviting. Guess what, you're invited into the bed! Yes. The bed. Not the floor. THE FLOOR IS LAVA.
4. DO YOU LIKE TO CUDDLE? CUDDLING IS OKAY. And yes, the floor is lava.
5. WILDCARD. Just figure out a reason why you need to share the bed. But don't forget: the floor is lava!
6. The Crack Fun Insane Option - Actually play the Floor is Lava Game!! Move about the room without touching the floor... because the floor is seriously lava.

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[Maybe originally he'd just planned on letting Valmont hang out for dinner. Catch up on what his old boss had been up to since that half mask incident. But on seeing the condition he was in, and the way he ate like it was his first warm meal in ages, that went out the window.]

Hey, uh...V? Maybe you should stay here for a while. No offense, but you kinda seem like you could use a few more hot meals.

[ After consuming what he's pretty sure was the single best meal he's had in years, Valmont is, to put it mildly, rather unwilling to head back out again. Finn's house may have seen better days, but it has four walls and a roof and isn't a dumpster, which puts it well ahead of anywhere else he's spent a significant length of time recently. But it's getting late enough that he can't really justify staying any longer, and so he's just made an excuse that sounds weak even to him and stood up to leave when Finn makes his offer. ]

...What?

[ He clamps down hard on his first instinct, which is god, yes, please. Even after everything he's been through, he does have at least one shred of dignity left, and he'll be damned if he's going to lose it by throwing himself on the mercy of one of his former employees. He's better than that, surely. He doesn't need anyone's pity.

...He'd be lying if he said the prospect of more hot meals didn't cause him to waver a bit, though. ]

Stay here? Stay where?

[ He makes a gesture intended to encompass all of Finn's house, which doesn't take long. It's not a very big house. Granted, compared to the sorts of places he's been living, it's a mansion, but the fact remains that there doesn't appear to be a guest bed in sight. ]

I'm certainly not planning to sleep on the floor, if that's what you had in mind.

[ The very idea. ]

[The weakness of the excuse really only solidified his decision to offer to let Valmont stay. It's a sad sight, seeing your former boss, someone you've always respected, seem so...at a loss. It makes him wonder if Valmont even has anywhere else to go, after the mess that fight over the mask made of his apartment.]

Nuh-uh, nobody's cuddling with the dust bunnies. My bed's bigger than I strictly need, so...it's not perfect but hey, better than sleeping in an armchair, right?

[He rubs the back of his neck awkwardly, already imagining Valmont's inevitable horror at the idea of sharing sleeping arrangements with someone who used to be on his payroll. Instead of waiting for that reaction, he quickly goes on to add something else.]

Tomorrow I can go out and pick up an inflatable mattress or...something. A guest bed's a bit outside my budget, but I'll figure something out.

[ ...There is a very, very long, incredulous pause, during which Valmont just stares at Finn. He can't be serious, right? But while that's usually a pretty reasonable assumption with Finn, nothing about his tone right now indicates that he's joking. Which means - ]

Have you gone mad? I - I'm not sharing a bed with you! Even for one night!

[ Was this a date all along, he didn't plan for this, help ]

So you do wanna sleep in the armchair? I'm not sleeping on the floor either, you know.

[And letting Valmont go back to whatever bridge he might be staying under isn't an option.]

Look, it's big enough that we wouldn't even have to touch. I'll lay on one side, you'll lay on the other, and it'll be as if we're on two separate beds. Well, as long as you don't hog the blanket, anyway.

I don't see why you can't sleep in the armchair. I'm the guest, after all.

[ Sorry, Finn. He's not going to make this easy. And he conspicuously makes no promises about not hogging all the blankets. ]

Why have you got a bed that big in the first place?

The armchair is not a good place to sleep, it doesn't even recline anymore.

[Don't you dare hog all the blankets, Valmont. Besides, they're pink. Do you really want them?]

And I used to be able to afford a little luxury, okay? Who sleeps in a bed that's barely big enough if they don't have to?

And this is my problem how? A decent host ought to put up with a little discomfort for his guest's sake.

[ Yeah, you're not getting any blankets if Valmont has any say in the matter. Pink or not, if they mean he'll be warm at night for a change, he'll take as many as he can get his hands on - and it's at about this point that the lure of having an actual place to sleep tonight overcomes any potential indignity or bed-sharing awkwardness. ]

...But I suppose if you insist, it would be, ah, rude of me to refuse your hospitality. Just for a few nights, you understand.

[ He's trying to sound like this is a serious hardship, and completely failing. ]

Nobody ever said I was a five star host. But it's better than anything Ratso or Chow could offer.

[A decent guest shouldn't hog his host's blankets. Not that Finn's thinking to press the point, he's actually too busy yawning.]

But we can talk about how long you're gonna be staying in the morning. It's late and I'm beat.

I shudder to think.

[ Did Valmont ever claim to be a decent guest? ]

All right, well, I hope you've got a spare toothbrush. If I'd known I was going to be staying the night, I might have - hang on a second.

[ This is the face of a man who has experienced far too many awkward realizations in the past few minutes. ]

What am I supposed to wear?

Uhh...I think I've got one. Was saving it so I could just switch out when my old one wore out, but it's not a big deal if you take it.

[Valmont why must you make a big deal of everything? Would sleeping in that suit even be able to make it more rumpled than it already is? Sigh.]

If you need a change of clothes, I guess you could try borrowing my spare PJs. Pants oughta fit pretty well, at least...not sure about the shirt, but it should at least sorta fit?

[Too bad we're not all broad shouldered, huh V?]

[ Only through supreme force of will does Valmont restrain himself from checking to make sure the toothbrush is green. You're welcome, Finn.

Also, uh, you're asking Valmont why he has to make a big deal out of everything? Have you met the guy? ]

"If"? Of course I need a change of clothes, don't be stupid. I'm certainly not planning to sleep in a suit.

[ Like he's been doing for the past... basically every night since his apartment was destroyed, but he's not going to admit to that.

At the offer of pajamas, he eyes Finn critically. He's still not used to wearing anything that isn't specifically tailored for him, and he has his doubts that any shirt meant for Finn's skinny shoulders will fit even with the "sorta" qualifier, but... ]

I suppose if it's the only option... very well. Be a good man and direct me to your nearest lavatory, will you?

Unless you know of a clothing store that's open this late. Bathroom's upstairs, across the hall from the bedroom.

[He points toward the staircase with one hand and covers a yawn with the other.]

I'll get the spare clothes out while you're getting cleaned up and you can get dressed while I'm in the bathroom. Sound good?

Have you only got the one?

[ He doesn't say good lord, you really are a commoner so much as just... kind of exudes the sentiment. ]

Right, then. Be quick about it.

[ He ascends the stairs, wincing slightly when his right hand makes contact with the banister - it's never really healed completely. So... how cleaned up is he expected to get? As much as he could really, really do with a shower and shave, those strike him as two things best left until morning, when he's not in danger of falling asleep halfway through. Still, he supposes he might as well try to smell slightly less like the last dumpster he slept in, so he splashes some water on his face and starts rifling through the cabinets for some cologne or something. Any scent Finn might have is bound to be incredibly tacky, but if it's that or eau de garbage, well, beggars can't be choosers. ]

I live here alone, a second bathroom wasn't exactly on my list of 'must haves'.

[He heads up the stairs behind Valmont, though he pauses for a second at the way his former boss' hand reacts to touching the banister. He'd been wondering if that bandage was covering an injury or trying to prevent injury, guess now he knows. But has his hand really been injured since before the last time he saw Valmont?

Making a note to check on that first thing after he gets some caffeine in him tomorrow morning, he heads into the bedroom to get the nightclothes set out. And yes, the only cologne he has is incredibly tacky, and nobody was surprised.]

[ Longer than that, Finn. A lot longer.

After leaving several cabinets in only minor disarray, Valmont finally locates what apparently passes for cologne in Finn's mind. He uncaps it, sniffs, grimaces, then begins applying it liberally anyway. There might even be some left by the time he's done. ]

[He'd be even more worried if he knew that injury was around way back before Daolon Wong's curse. What have you been doing to yourself without him around to point out your bad ideas?

Rifling through the cabinets, it shouldn't be hard to find the spare toothbrush Finn was talking about, either. It's pink. This should have been expected.]

[ Punching a lot of things he shouldn't have, mostly.

Of course the toothbrush isn't green. Why would it be green. Nothing ever goes right in Valmont's life. He can't actually make himself be too upset about this, though. Sweet, sweet dental hygiene, how he missed you. ]

[So he should just be glad it's only your off hand, shouldn't he?

The toothbrush isn't green, but the mouthwash is? And while Valmont's taking care of that, Finn's going to take the time to quickly change into his pajamas. Showering is definitely a thing that can wait until morning.]

[ All mouthwash is green, that doesn't count.

It's a few minutes and several repeated brushings before Valmont emerges from the bathroom. His teeth were probably clean after the first one, but he's not taking any chances. He doesn't knock before opening the door to the bedroom, although for once that's not him being a jerk - it's just been so long since he shared living space with anyone that he's kind of forgotten knocking was a thing you're supposed to do. Hope you were done changing in there, Finn. ]

[Not true, some of it's blue.

Valmont taking so long brushing his teeth means Finn has plenty of time to get changed and is just sitting on the corner of the bed waiting when Valmont walks in. As promised, there's a second pair of pajamas lying out.

Of course, Valmont walking in is Finn's cue to get up, with a stretch and a yawn.]

Haven't you ever heard of knocking, Big V? Lucky you took so long in there...

- Oh.

[ This is where a person with basic manners would probably add "sorry". All Finn's going to get is a vaguely guilty glance before Valmont changes the subject. ]

Are those silk?

[ He crosses the room to where the pajamas are laid out, appraising them with an almost approving expression. They're a lot classier than he would have given Finn credit for. Except for the monogram. That's about exactly as classy as he'd have given Finn credit for. ]

[He doesn't really expect manners from Valmont. Just as long as he remembers what closed doors mean.]

Hmm? Oh, yeah. About the only thing from back when I had money that isn't worn half to death...

[ He'll probably remember next time? Maybe. We can always hope. ]

I wasn't aware you owned any clothing that was actually fashionable. There may be hope for you yet.

[ Pajamas in hand, he turns to look at Finn impatiently. ]

Well, go on, then, you don't expect me to change with you in the room.

Valmont | Jackie Chan Adventures | OTA

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