bakerstreet | The Nonsexual Intimacy Meme

The Nonsexual Intimacy Meme

The Nonsexual Intimacy Meme

Intimacy is NOT necessarily about full sexual contact. Intimacy is all about two people forming a connection and bond between them. That involves becoming best friends, trusting each other, knowing each other, understanding each other. Intimacy is grown and developed, it can't be rushed.

Nonsexual forms of intimacy can add a great deal of depth and variety to fiction. On one end of the spectrum, they provide extra steps to support the journey from meeting a potential mate through romance, sex, and marriage. In the middle, they convey the import of family and professional connections, distinguishing those from more casual acquaintances. On the other end, they form much of the glue in primary relationships for people who don't base their ties on sexuality. Sex and romance are valuable, but they're not everything.

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PROMPTS

Hair care. Brushing, braiding, washing, cutting -- all of these involve a lot of careful touching in ways that many people enjoy. Hair braiding is a bonding experience in some cultures. In fact, grooming is a bonding technique for social primates in general. People without close ties to others often treat themselves to regular salon visits as a socially acceptable way to meet the need for touch and interaction.
Shaving. This involves an unusually high level of trust, especially if the person is using a straight-edge razor or something else with an exposed blade rather than just a buzzer. Although it can apply to women, shaving is one of the few forms of physical intimacy that is most closely associated with men due to their facial hair. Initiaton into shaving is a major milestone for becoming a man, not just for boys during puberty but also for transsexuals during transition.
Bathing. This varies by culture; in America most people bathe alone but some other cultures practice communal bathing. A bath is usually more intimate than a shower, although a public bath can be non-intimate and small shower stall can be intimate. It's also different when two people wash each other (an exchange of intimacy and affection) than when one person washes someone else (more of a caretaking or protective gesture).
Feeding. A classic romantic motif involves lovers feeding each other, but it works as a way of providing and caring for someone in any context. Like bathing, it can also clue whether both parties are participating equally or one is taking care of the other (temporarily or regularly). This one has an existential flavor since survival depends on food supply.
Seeing someone without their adaptive equipment on. This includes glasses, dentalware, prosthetic limbs, a wheelchair, etc. Adaptive equipment is part of one's presentation to the everyday world, and taking it off can be as intimate as removing clothing, for many people in many contexts.
Holding Hands: There can be many reasons for this gesture. Physical closeness, offering comfort, or staying together in a crowd, all may have you reaching for someone.
Undressing someone. This can be kind of a one-way experience if the recipient isn't awake, and is often awkward for both people if they are awake. Sometimes it happens because hands are out of commission, but a more common example is someone passing out drunk. Overheating is another good reason. Different circumstances can imply different levels of intimacy.
Sharing secrets. This especially applies to talking about personal issues that aren't widely known. An exchange of secrets is a common ritual between "best friends" among girls and women, but appears elsewhere as well. Some things are only discussed among people with a common reference; veterans may be more comfortable discussing war memories with each other than civilians.
Ordering for someone in a restaurant. Acquiring food, without asking the other person what to get, shows a knowledge of their needs and desires. Providing food is also a gesture of support and sustenance.
Providing moral support at a major event. Helping someone get through a funeral, a trial, or other intense but not crisis situation is usually performed by a very dear friend. This is a situation where lovers or family members may be too close to the matter to be much use.
Crying on someone. When you cry, you tend to let your guard down. Most of the people close to you will see you cry at some point, so that can be a milestone in a relationship. Actually crying on someone, letting them hold you, is even more intimate.
Serving in a primary role for someone during a wedding. This includes the best man or maid of honor at a wedding, or stand-in for absent parents, etc. as well as the traditional family roles. One aspect of intimacy is sharing each other's lives, including ceremonies and transitions.
Comforting someone after a bad breakup. Moments of great vulnerability can bring people closer. While this role sometimes falls to family, breakup repair more often goes to a woman's female friends or a man's male friends.
Listening to someone's heartbeat or breathing. Close body contact, enough to carry soft personal sounds, tends to be comforting as well as connecting, as it touches on positive childhood memories for most people. It is shared between parent and child, sometimes between siblings, and later between lovers. Tight nonsexual partners may also do this.
Putting someone to bed. Interestingly, this activity can happen among people who are just getting to know each other -- most often if someone passes out drunk, but exhaustion can have a similar effect. It's a gesture of caring to put someone to bed rather than leave them where they drop. A milder version involves draping a blanket or coat over a person asleep on a couch or the like.
Sleeping in the same bed. This is an act of shared vulnerability and intimacy. Lovers customarily do this; so do some siblings or friends, especially as children. People may also be driven to share a bed, sleeping bag, etc. for warmth or lack of other accommodations in challenging circumstances.
Watching someone sleep. There is more vulnerability on the part of the sleeper, and more intimacy from the watcher, when only one person is asleep. Parents often watch their children sleep. Lovers sometimes do this with each other, which can be cute or creepy. It's also a guard position, useful for showing that one character seeks to protect another.
Waking someone up from a nightmare. A subtler form of rescue than more physical actions, this is still a gesture of protection and caring. It often leads to comfort afterwards. A typical courtesy between parent and child, or lovers, this can also be an early threshold for characters thrust together unexpectedly if one of them has sturdy daytime walls and a lot of issues. It is common, but often unspoken, among war buddies or veterans, many of whom have nightmares.
Sharing clothes, jewelry, other personal items. This is common between siblings or close female friends. Sometimes roommates do it too. Wearing someone else's shirt or bathrobe is typical in romantic relationships, so can suggest a similar level of intimacy even in the absence of sex.
Cleaning someone else's living space. This shows care and knowledge on the part of the cleaner, and trust on the part of the recipient. You have to know what NOT to throw away or move. It's typical of family members and roommates. Coworkers may clean each other's desk, office space, etc.
Living together. This is a big step, even if it's just for a little while. Housemates are in each other's pockets; it's hard to keep secrets. Family members and lovers often live together, but housemates who are family-of-choice form a category of their own. If you don't want a romantic partner, a permanent housemate is a good choice for someone to share your life with.
Childbirth. Attending the blessed event entails providing a lot of moral support for hours under high stress. It can create a bond with the baby as well as with the mother. When planned, this opportunity is only offered to the closest family members or friends, barring professionals. But it can happen by surprise in very awkward circumstances, a popular motif in fiction.
Saving someone's life. Quick action in a life-threatening situation demonstrates how much one person values another. This can create a strong sense of connection, and sometimes obligation. It often, though not always, entails personal risk for the rescuer. This is fairly typical for military buddies or police partners, etc.
Risking your life for someone. Placing someone else ahead of your own life shows their importance to you unequivocally. This often, though not always, involves trying to save or protect another person. While it can create a sense of gratitude, it frequently causes anger as well -- someone who loves you will generally object to you endangering yourself, even to protect them. Military and police buddies protect each other regularly.
Making emergency decisions for someone. This reveals both how well you know the person, and how much you care about them -- whether you know what they would want, and act on it even if it differs from your personal preference. Unlike some of the other options, in this one the initial action is often outweighed by the aftermath. Both characters have to deal with the results of the decisions, good or bad.
Deathwatch. Dying can be as intimate as giving birth. Staying with someone while they pass is an act of love; so is providing moral support to someone sitting deathwatch for a family member or other person. Many soldiers and police have done this for someone.

(taken from here)

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His answer? The most blatant lineface he could manage.

The youthful look probably wasn't helped by the chocolate mustache he sprouted as he lifted his head from his mug, one he licked off before frowning. "I'm not going to start smoking to add years to my look. I'll just have to deal with what I was given."

It was a good thing he wasn't drinking when asked that question. "No, I'm not gay. Kind of hard to be when your current obsession is a girl, don't you think." He loved girls. He loved them big, small, short, tall. He mostly loved Lydia, but it didn't hurt to look at other girls and pretend. As for guys? He didn't fantasize about them or anything, but he wasn't all offended with the questions. He knew he wasn't gay and he was pretty sure he wasn't bi, but hey, it would be nice if someone thought he was cute.

Isaac laughed, ducking his head as he glanced at Stiles. "Is that look about hitting on you or your youthful looks," he asked, amused and trying to focus on anything but the nightmares that had driven him to Stiles' house that night.

"You didn't ask me if you were attractive to girls though," he pointed out, taking a sip as both hands cradled the mug. "So then you think I'm gay and can talk for gay guys?"

He's enjoying himself, using that twisted humour to try and amuse himself and keep his thoughts here and now.

"Kind of both, really."

He shook his head, taking another sip as he thought. "You're not a girl, you can't speak for what girls like. You are a guy and even if you're not gay, you might have an opinion. I don't know. You said you weren't gay, so I'm going to go with that, unless you're suddenly questioning your sexuality. In which case you could talk to Danny."

Isaac shrugged, not the least bit bothered that Stiles thought he was gay. Wasn't the first time, after all.

"Hey, I can be pretty feminine. It's the curls," he teased, half smiling at him. "As a guy though, you're not bad. Kind of spazzy but that's just how you are. Not questioning my sexuality though. I'm very sure what I am, and Danny's not my type."

"Spazzy? I'm not spazzy." He totally was. But the answer at the end had him narrowing his eyes in thought. "What are you, exactly?" Danny was a good guy. Everyone liked Danny, but maybe not everyone liked Danny.

"Sure. You're not. Let's go with that," he teased, smiling. Shrugging, he took a sip of his cocoa.

"Okay, so he's good looking and fun and has a great smile but he comes attached to Whittemore. Kind of not my thing to want to deal with, you know," he asked, nose wrinkling. "As for what I am? I guess bi. I like some people and I don't like others. I just don't really care about the sex part of that. Well, I mean, I care about the sex," he joked, leering a bit at Stiles. "But you get it. Right?"

Shut up, Isaac, or he wouldn't let you have anymore cocoa.

"Yeah, the Jackson thing's sort of like social herpes." He was a little surprised at the answer, but a small part of him wasn't, which was weird. "Um, I guess? I mean, you can do whatever you want, right?"

"It does taint certain people," he said, figuring that Stiles was talking Lydia and so maybe he did get that part.

"Well, in theory? Until recently there was a lot of practice and exercise and doing what needed to be done for my training." Which sounded better than being beaten, locked in a freezer, and not dating because he couldn't explain the marks that showed up way too often, even for a lacrosse player. "A lot of it's in theory."

"And the whole being completely socially awkward thing, right?" Hey, most of the people he knew were socially awkward. Take Derek. No, really, take him.

"So how do you know if you're bi or not if you haven't... you know."

"Yeah, there's that too," he agreed, making a face. Stiles knew him, had known him before, and might have actually noticed him. Made playing that the makeover had been him always harder.

"How do you know you want Lydia if you haven't slept with her," he fired back, giving him a hard look. "If I had said I was into blonde girl with big tits but hadn't been with one would you ask me how I know? You just know who you're attracted to," he said, resisting the urge to be childish and stick his tongue out at Stiles.

Okay, that was fair enough. He shrugged, tipping the cup up to his mouth and swallowing a mouthful of heated chocolate. "Okay, so you play for both teams. You'd think that'd mean you'd be able to double your chance for a date."

He smirked over at Isaac, getting back into the swing of the bantering now that the anxious pile of frightened teenager wasn't present anymore.

"In theory," he said with a chuckle, downing the rest of his cocoa. He wasn't sure he had expected it to help, but the chocolate and sugar seemed to have done a lot to calm his nerves, to ease the anxiety he'd been feeling when he raced over there.

"What? You think I don't get more dates than, I don't know. You?" Yep, he's feeling more himself.

"Everyone gets more dates than me." It was a painful part of life he was becoming accustomed to against his will. "Who the hell do you date?"

At least Stiles had been on a couple (sort of) with Lydia.

"I blame it on everyone thinking you're with McCall. Or I would if I was you." Because he had thought it, who knew who else did. "You should distance that... or tell girls he broke your heart."

Yeah, that was a question he wasn't sure about. "Girls out of town? You buying that one?"

"No way. Everyone knows Scott's with Allison." He also hadn't thought that anyone thought he was gay. "Dude, no. I'm not playing the wounded and jilted lover."

He laughed, shaking his head. "Not even if it was free."

"Was. Was with." Which was just him playing around with Stiles. Screwing with him. "But it could get you whatever you want," he teased.

Shrugging, he knew it wouldn't be accepted. "You knew me before Derek came into my life, are you even surprised?"

He rolled his eyes. "He's with her in his head. That's good enough."

He set the cup in the sink, running water into it and holding his hand out for Isaac's. "No. Did you think that would somehow change when you did?"

"That's really creepy," he said, smirking. "Not that I don't think it's true, but creepy."

He chuckled, shrugging. "It has in a lot of ways. I have more confidence than I ever would have had. It's gotten me more attention. Even more than attention, just not dating."

"Hey, it's not like he's living the Matt lie. He's just... waiting for her."

His lips twisted to the side and he looked at Isaac. "Not dating but more than attention. Are you just... you know...?" Don't make him say it, Isaac.

Isaac made a face, toying with his empty mug. "I worry he's going to end up waiting for her and miss someone he could be happy with. I mean, Scott's a decent guy." Shrugging it off even as he said that.

"Yeah, sometimes I'm just, you know," he said, smirking. "That's not dating." Dating and him was still not working out.

"The heart wants what it wants, right?" Look at Lydia. Jackson was a complete douche to her, and yet there she was, pining for him. And there Stiles was, pining for her.

"No, I don't know." A fact that still made him want to kick something. That Isaac could hook up with someone and he couldn't was, well, it was sad.

"You know that could go for you too," he pointed out, giving him a look. "You should... not be miserable." Smiling though as he said it, not willing to not needle him with words.

"So go out. Get laid," he said, shrugging. "You're cute enough. You've got decent manners. You even have a car. If you wanted to get laid, you could." He looked him over a minute, considering that before nodding. "Sure, you could get laid."

"I'm not miserable." He was just taking his time to get over ten years of disappointment.

He just rolled his eyes and gave Isaac a look. "Right. Okay. Sure. I'm the total ladies man." Hey, he wished it was true, but it just wasn't. And that kinda sucked.

"You're spending your night talking to me. Sounds miserable," he said, as if he hadn't just thrown himself through Stiles' window out of desperate fear and panic.

"Not with that attitude," he pointed out, though he made a sound, one shoulder lifting slightly. "I wasn't either. I'm not now." Of course then he was scared. Now he was more aggressive and still lacking the lack of social awkwardness.

"Well, yeah. There's that. I'm starting to feel the eau de misery starting to stench up the place."

He cleaned out the cups, talking to Isaac over his shoulder. "As much as I want to experience a variety of bodily pleasures, I'm not the one night stand type." He got attached and he knew it. A one night stand would turn into something that the other participant might not want and he was trying to avoid pining for something unrequited again.

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