bakerstreet | The Nonsexual Intimacy Meme

The Nonsexual Intimacy Meme

The Nonsexual Intimacy Meme

Intimacy is NOT necessarily about full sexual contact. Intimacy is all about two people forming a connection and bond between them. That involves becoming best friends, trusting each other, knowing each other, understanding each other. Intimacy is grown and developed, it can't be rushed.

Nonsexual forms of intimacy can add a great deal of depth and variety to fiction. On one end of the spectrum, they provide extra steps to support the journey from meeting a potential mate through romance, sex, and marriage. In the middle, they convey the import of family and professional connections, distinguishing those from more casual acquaintances. On the other end, they form much of the glue in primary relationships for people who don't base their ties on sexuality. Sex and romance are valuable, but they're not everything.

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PROMPTS

Hair care. Brushing, braiding, washing, cutting -- all of these involve a lot of careful touching in ways that many people enjoy. Hair braiding is a bonding experience in some cultures. In fact, grooming is a bonding technique for social primates in general. People without close ties to others often treat themselves to regular salon visits as a socially acceptable way to meet the need for touch and interaction.
Shaving. This involves an unusually high level of trust, especially if the person is using a straight-edge razor or something else with an exposed blade rather than just a buzzer. Although it can apply to women, shaving is one of the few forms of physical intimacy that is most closely associated with men due to their facial hair. Initiaton into shaving is a major milestone for becoming a man, not just for boys during puberty but also for transsexuals during transition.
Bathing. This varies by culture; in America most people bathe alone but some other cultures practice communal bathing. A bath is usually more intimate than a shower, although a public bath can be non-intimate and small shower stall can be intimate. It's also different when two people wash each other (an exchange of intimacy and affection) than when one person washes someone else (more of a caretaking or protective gesture).
Feeding. A classic romantic motif involves lovers feeding each other, but it works as a way of providing and caring for someone in any context. Like bathing, it can also clue whether both parties are participating equally or one is taking care of the other (temporarily or regularly). This one has an existential flavor since survival depends on food supply.
Seeing someone without their adaptive equipment on. This includes glasses, dentalware, prosthetic limbs, a wheelchair, etc. Adaptive equipment is part of one's presentation to the everyday world, and taking it off can be as intimate as removing clothing, for many people in many contexts.
Holding Hands: There can be many reasons for this gesture. Physical closeness, offering comfort, or staying together in a crowd, all may have you reaching for someone.
Undressing someone. This can be kind of a one-way experience if the recipient isn't awake, and is often awkward for both people if they are awake. Sometimes it happens because hands are out of commission, but a more common example is someone passing out drunk. Overheating is another good reason. Different circumstances can imply different levels of intimacy.
Sharing secrets. This especially applies to talking about personal issues that aren't widely known. An exchange of secrets is a common ritual between "best friends" among girls and women, but appears elsewhere as well. Some things are only discussed among people with a common reference; veterans may be more comfortable discussing war memories with each other than civilians.
Ordering for someone in a restaurant. Acquiring food, without asking the other person what to get, shows a knowledge of their needs and desires. Providing food is also a gesture of support and sustenance.
Providing moral support at a major event. Helping someone get through a funeral, a trial, or other intense but not crisis situation is usually performed by a very dear friend. This is a situation where lovers or family members may be too close to the matter to be much use.
Crying on someone. When you cry, you tend to let your guard down. Most of the people close to you will see you cry at some point, so that can be a milestone in a relationship. Actually crying on someone, letting them hold you, is even more intimate.
Serving in a primary role for someone during a wedding. This includes the best man or maid of honor at a wedding, or stand-in for absent parents, etc. as well as the traditional family roles. One aspect of intimacy is sharing each other's lives, including ceremonies and transitions.
Comforting someone after a bad breakup. Moments of great vulnerability can bring people closer. While this role sometimes falls to family, breakup repair more often goes to a woman's female friends or a man's male friends.
Listening to someone's heartbeat or breathing. Close body contact, enough to carry soft personal sounds, tends to be comforting as well as connecting, as it touches on positive childhood memories for most people. It is shared between parent and child, sometimes between siblings, and later between lovers. Tight nonsexual partners may also do this.
Putting someone to bed. Interestingly, this activity can happen among people who are just getting to know each other -- most often if someone passes out drunk, but exhaustion can have a similar effect. It's a gesture of caring to put someone to bed rather than leave them where they drop. A milder version involves draping a blanket or coat over a person asleep on a couch or the like.
Sleeping in the same bed. This is an act of shared vulnerability and intimacy. Lovers customarily do this; so do some siblings or friends, especially as children. People may also be driven to share a bed, sleeping bag, etc. for warmth or lack of other accommodations in challenging circumstances.
Watching someone sleep. There is more vulnerability on the part of the sleeper, and more intimacy from the watcher, when only one person is asleep. Parents often watch their children sleep. Lovers sometimes do this with each other, which can be cute or creepy. It's also a guard position, useful for showing that one character seeks to protect another.
Waking someone up from a nightmare. A subtler form of rescue than more physical actions, this is still a gesture of protection and caring. It often leads to comfort afterwards. A typical courtesy between parent and child, or lovers, this can also be an early threshold for characters thrust together unexpectedly if one of them has sturdy daytime walls and a lot of issues. It is common, but often unspoken, among war buddies or veterans, many of whom have nightmares.
Sharing clothes, jewelry, other personal items. This is common between siblings or close female friends. Sometimes roommates do it too. Wearing someone else's shirt or bathrobe is typical in romantic relationships, so can suggest a similar level of intimacy even in the absence of sex.
Cleaning someone else's living space. This shows care and knowledge on the part of the cleaner, and trust on the part of the recipient. You have to know what NOT to throw away or move. It's typical of family members and roommates. Coworkers may clean each other's desk, office space, etc.
Living together. This is a big step, even if it's just for a little while. Housemates are in each other's pockets; it's hard to keep secrets. Family members and lovers often live together, but housemates who are family-of-choice form a category of their own. If you don't want a romantic partner, a permanent housemate is a good choice for someone to share your life with.
Childbirth. Attending the blessed event entails providing a lot of moral support for hours under high stress. It can create a bond with the baby as well as with the mother. When planned, this opportunity is only offered to the closest family members or friends, barring professionals. But it can happen by surprise in very awkward circumstances, a popular motif in fiction.
Saving someone's life. Quick action in a life-threatening situation demonstrates how much one person values another. This can create a strong sense of connection, and sometimes obligation. It often, though not always, entails personal risk for the rescuer. This is fairly typical for military buddies or police partners, etc.
Risking your life for someone. Placing someone else ahead of your own life shows their importance to you unequivocally. This often, though not always, involves trying to save or protect another person. While it can create a sense of gratitude, it frequently causes anger as well -- someone who loves you will generally object to you endangering yourself, even to protect them. Military and police buddies protect each other regularly.
Making emergency decisions for someone. This reveals both how well you know the person, and how much you care about them -- whether you know what they would want, and act on it even if it differs from your personal preference. Unlike some of the other options, in this one the initial action is often outweighed by the aftermath. Both characters have to deal with the results of the decisions, good or bad.
Deathwatch. Dying can be as intimate as giving birth. Staying with someone while they pass is an act of love; so is providing moral support to someone sitting deathwatch for a family member or other person. Many soldiers and police have done this for someone.

(taken from here)

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Straightening, he forces himself to loosen that hold on himself, arms pressing so hard to his sides that his wrists hurt. He nods, forcing his breath in and out, even, regular. Except there is nothing normal about his mannerisms and his words, not at that moment.

"Yeah. I know. You're right."

They don't come easily but they are relatively smooth. He's lied for so many years he's good at doing it. "None of it had anything to do with me." He can say it, repeat it over and over again. Maybe one day he'll believe it.

"Thanks for listening to me bitch."

Like he's just been whining about an early curfew, or being grounded.

Stiles just stares at Isaac. He knows well enough when he's being lied to, but it's not his job to be his therapist. Hell, he didn't even know if he liked the guy. Some days yes, most days no. But he felt bad. He knew what that kind of anxiety could do to you and how things could creep and fester in your mind, all these self doubts that made you feel like shit.

"Consider it payback for you having to babysit the other night." With or without his permission. But that annoyance would be directed at Derek, not Isaac.

Rolling his shoulders, trying to ease the tension, he just stares at Stiles. Isn't his place to have to listen to Isaac, after all. He's been good enough to let him have this break down to begin with. And provided chocolate.

He laughs, shaking his head. "Not that we have a lot of options, but I volunteered for that. And I came up here. I could have stayed outside, hidden. You never would have known."

And now he's regretting he didn't do that. He should have just stayed hidden, hiding away and forgotten.

"Yeah, because that's not Creeper Tactics 101." He rolled his eyes and moved to go sit back on his bed now that Isaac wasn't at ground zero of another melt down.

"You volunteered? Why?"

Again he laughed, just standing there and trying to look casual and failing miserably. "Yeah well, look who I learned from." He would defend Derek but he couldn't entirely deny his methods.

Now he looks away, eying the window. "Scott talks about you a lot. A lot a lot. Wanted to know if it was hero worship or what."

He laughed. He couldn't help it. He outright fell over on his bed laughing. "What? Hero worship? Are you kidding me? Me? God, no." Even as Stiles was laughing, there was that part of him that was glad that Scott talked about him, even when he wasn't there. At least he meant something to someone.

"Glad you're amused," He snorted, rolling his eyes. "You haven't listened to him talk about you. It's how it sounds. Grades. Games. How you handle shit being the human around us all. How fearless you are."

Okay, so he hadn't talked about him that much, enough though. And least it hadn't been about Allison. He'd give him that.

"Fearless? Me? Dude, I'm surprised I haven't wet myself at least once." Okay, maybe that one time a little had leaked out, but hey, it was warranted.

He shrugged, sitting back up. "We've known each other for a long time. He's the brother I never had. I love him." It was simply said and he meant it. Scott had his love like his dad had. They were his family, and even Mrs. McCall was part of it, grudgingly as she might be.

It's something that Isaac remembered. Past tense. Nor something he saw much in his future. He nodded though, because in the end, it made sense. Though he was skipping the pissing himself part. Nope. Not going there.

"Yeah well... I can buy that so I wanted to see for myself. Besides, if it hadn't been me, he would have sent Peter. Maybe."

"No way is uncle bad touch coming anywhere near my goddamn window. I'll wolfsbane it if I have to." His lips firmed into a line, a frown creasing his face almost immediately at the mention of Peter's name.

"Just saying, and not sure this will encourage you or discourage you but I'd rather that not happen, thanks. If you had, a night like tonight..."

His nose wrinkled. "Yeah, let's avoid that."

"Then how about you and Derek make sure Peter stays the hell away from me." This was something he wasn't budging on. He'd like to stab him repeatedly in the neck with a number two pencil, then write his eulogy in his own blood. 'Peter was an ass. The end.'

"You know, all I can do is volunteer," he snapped back. "What? You think either of us have any control over him?"

He snorted, rolling his eyes at that.

"I don't know why Derek's letting him stay in town. Tell him to leave. He's a jerk and doesn't deserve a pack." His opinions on Peter were very obvious and he really didn't get how Derek could keep him around. So what if he added to the pack strength; he wasn't even at full speed yet and he was a manipulative dick.

"I can tell you why," he admitted, looking down. It was something he could understand. "He's all the family he has," he said, looking up at Stiles. "And as much of a jerk as he is, and trust me, I don't trust him any further than I can throw him, I know why Derek doesn't do it."

He sighed, shoulder slumping. "He's family and when you've lost everyone else, you cling to what you can."

"Sometimes it's more toxic to cling to something than to let it go." He could empathize with the Alpha. Almost. But there were certain things you just couldn't forgive. Peter had killed Derek's sister, then lied to him about it. He'd mauled Lydia and done something to her, making it so he could crawl into her thoughts like some creepy stalker. He was an all around bad person, a bad werewolf, and a dick.

"If that's what he's got to hold on to, he needs to shift his priorities."

"Have fun telling him that. I'm going to keep looking for Erica and Boyd and make sure everyone stays alive," he said, folding his arms over his chest. "I'm not defending him. I wouldn't defend him. I trust in Derek though."

He was his alpha, and all Isaac had.

"He has his reasons, I'm sure."

"Uh huh." Isaac may trust Derek, but Stiles wasn't fully convinced. Maybe you had to sprout claws and grow hair where there hadn't been any hair before to be able to just trust on a whim like that.

There were some people he just didn't like right off the bat. Matt came to mind, which only strengthened his resolve that he was right. "No guarantee that they're good ones."

For Isaac it wasn't a whim, but it goes back to that gratitude as well, for what he feels Derek did for him, how he saved him.

"No, but let's be honest, Stiles. We lost all guarantees long before this moment, right?" It was almost said as a joke, but with a sad smile to go with it.

"Doesn't it bother anyone else that the safety and well being of most of the people in Beacon Hills seems to continuously rest in the hands of people who aren't old enough to legally drink or vote?" Because it was something that occurred to him more than once.

"Shouldn't it bother us more than no one over the age who knows is stopping that from happening? Or can? Deaton. Ms Morrell. Mrs McCall." He ticked them off on his fingers. "What else can we do though?"

"Hey, Scott's mom can only do so much, okay? She's just a nurse." He might be a little overly defensive about that. He also hadn't known Ms. Morrell knew anything. "Wait, since when is she involved in any of this?"

Isaac waved a hand, shaking his head. "Not like that kind of involved, but she's an adult interviewing kids in the school to find out if we're okay with everyone dying and she's not stopped to think, hey maybe something's wrong here?"

He shrugged. "Death happens in a lot of places. At least we can be thankful it's not a rash of suicides." Which were kind of more sad, if he thought about it. "That's kind of her job."

He stares at Stiles, disbelief on his face. "Seriously, this is just normal deaths? It's like a bad horror movie, and soon they'll be coming for the virgins too. Means you're screwed."

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