bakerstreet | The Nonsexual Intimacy Meme

The Nonsexual Intimacy Meme

The Nonsexual Intimacy Meme

Intimacy is NOT necessarily about full sexual contact. Intimacy is all about two people forming a connection and bond between them. That involves becoming best friends, trusting each other, knowing each other, understanding each other. Intimacy is grown and developed, it can't be rushed.

Nonsexual forms of intimacy can add a great deal of depth and variety to fiction. On one end of the spectrum, they provide extra steps to support the journey from meeting a potential mate through romance, sex, and marriage. In the middle, they convey the import of family and professional connections, distinguishing those from more casual acquaintances. On the other end, they form much of the glue in primary relationships for people who don't base their ties on sexuality. Sex and romance are valuable, but they're not everything.

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PROMPTS

Hair care. Brushing, braiding, washing, cutting -- all of these involve a lot of careful touching in ways that many people enjoy. Hair braiding is a bonding experience in some cultures. In fact, grooming is a bonding technique for social primates in general. People without close ties to others often treat themselves to regular salon visits as a socially acceptable way to meet the need for touch and interaction.
Shaving. This involves an unusually high level of trust, especially if the person is using a straight-edge razor or something else with an exposed blade rather than just a buzzer. Although it can apply to women, shaving is one of the few forms of physical intimacy that is most closely associated with men due to their facial hair. Initiaton into shaving is a major milestone for becoming a man, not just for boys during puberty but also for transsexuals during transition.
Bathing. This varies by culture; in America most people bathe alone but some other cultures practice communal bathing. A bath is usually more intimate than a shower, although a public bath can be non-intimate and small shower stall can be intimate. It's also different when two people wash each other (an exchange of intimacy and affection) than when one person washes someone else (more of a caretaking or protective gesture).
Feeding. A classic romantic motif involves lovers feeding each other, but it works as a way of providing and caring for someone in any context. Like bathing, it can also clue whether both parties are participating equally or one is taking care of the other (temporarily or regularly). This one has an existential flavor since survival depends on food supply.
Seeing someone without their adaptive equipment on. This includes glasses, dentalware, prosthetic limbs, a wheelchair, etc. Adaptive equipment is part of one's presentation to the everyday world, and taking it off can be as intimate as removing clothing, for many people in many contexts.
Holding Hands: There can be many reasons for this gesture. Physical closeness, offering comfort, or staying together in a crowd, all may have you reaching for someone.
Undressing someone. This can be kind of a one-way experience if the recipient isn't awake, and is often awkward for both people if they are awake. Sometimes it happens because hands are out of commission, but a more common example is someone passing out drunk. Overheating is another good reason. Different circumstances can imply different levels of intimacy.
Sharing secrets. This especially applies to talking about personal issues that aren't widely known. An exchange of secrets is a common ritual between "best friends" among girls and women, but appears elsewhere as well. Some things are only discussed among people with a common reference; veterans may be more comfortable discussing war memories with each other than civilians.
Ordering for someone in a restaurant. Acquiring food, without asking the other person what to get, shows a knowledge of their needs and desires. Providing food is also a gesture of support and sustenance.
Providing moral support at a major event. Helping someone get through a funeral, a trial, or other intense but not crisis situation is usually performed by a very dear friend. This is a situation where lovers or family members may be too close to the matter to be much use.
Crying on someone. When you cry, you tend to let your guard down. Most of the people close to you will see you cry at some point, so that can be a milestone in a relationship. Actually crying on someone, letting them hold you, is even more intimate.
Serving in a primary role for someone during a wedding. This includes the best man or maid of honor at a wedding, or stand-in for absent parents, etc. as well as the traditional family roles. One aspect of intimacy is sharing each other's lives, including ceremonies and transitions.
Comforting someone after a bad breakup. Moments of great vulnerability can bring people closer. While this role sometimes falls to family, breakup repair more often goes to a woman's female friends or a man's male friends.
Listening to someone's heartbeat or breathing. Close body contact, enough to carry soft personal sounds, tends to be comforting as well as connecting, as it touches on positive childhood memories for most people. It is shared between parent and child, sometimes between siblings, and later between lovers. Tight nonsexual partners may also do this.
Putting someone to bed. Interestingly, this activity can happen among people who are just getting to know each other -- most often if someone passes out drunk, but exhaustion can have a similar effect. It's a gesture of caring to put someone to bed rather than leave them where they drop. A milder version involves draping a blanket or coat over a person asleep on a couch or the like.
Sleeping in the same bed. This is an act of shared vulnerability and intimacy. Lovers customarily do this; so do some siblings or friends, especially as children. People may also be driven to share a bed, sleeping bag, etc. for warmth or lack of other accommodations in challenging circumstances.
Watching someone sleep. There is more vulnerability on the part of the sleeper, and more intimacy from the watcher, when only one person is asleep. Parents often watch their children sleep. Lovers sometimes do this with each other, which can be cute or creepy. It's also a guard position, useful for showing that one character seeks to protect another.
Waking someone up from a nightmare. A subtler form of rescue than more physical actions, this is still a gesture of protection and caring. It often leads to comfort afterwards. A typical courtesy between parent and child, or lovers, this can also be an early threshold for characters thrust together unexpectedly if one of them has sturdy daytime walls and a lot of issues. It is common, but often unspoken, among war buddies or veterans, many of whom have nightmares.
Sharing clothes, jewelry, other personal items. This is common between siblings or close female friends. Sometimes roommates do it too. Wearing someone else's shirt or bathrobe is typical in romantic relationships, so can suggest a similar level of intimacy even in the absence of sex.
Cleaning someone else's living space. This shows care and knowledge on the part of the cleaner, and trust on the part of the recipient. You have to know what NOT to throw away or move. It's typical of family members and roommates. Coworkers may clean each other's desk, office space, etc.
Living together. This is a big step, even if it's just for a little while. Housemates are in each other's pockets; it's hard to keep secrets. Family members and lovers often live together, but housemates who are family-of-choice form a category of their own. If you don't want a romantic partner, a permanent housemate is a good choice for someone to share your life with.
Childbirth. Attending the blessed event entails providing a lot of moral support for hours under high stress. It can create a bond with the baby as well as with the mother. When planned, this opportunity is only offered to the closest family members or friends, barring professionals. But it can happen by surprise in very awkward circumstances, a popular motif in fiction.
Saving someone's life. Quick action in a life-threatening situation demonstrates how much one person values another. This can create a strong sense of connection, and sometimes obligation. It often, though not always, entails personal risk for the rescuer. This is fairly typical for military buddies or police partners, etc.
Risking your life for someone. Placing someone else ahead of your own life shows their importance to you unequivocally. This often, though not always, involves trying to save or protect another person. While it can create a sense of gratitude, it frequently causes anger as well -- someone who loves you will generally object to you endangering yourself, even to protect them. Military and police buddies protect each other regularly.
Making emergency decisions for someone. This reveals both how well you know the person, and how much you care about them -- whether you know what they would want, and act on it even if it differs from your personal preference. Unlike some of the other options, in this one the initial action is often outweighed by the aftermath. Both characters have to deal with the results of the decisions, good or bad.
Deathwatch. Dying can be as intimate as giving birth. Staying with someone while they pass is an act of love; so is providing moral support to someone sitting deathwatch for a family member or other person. Many soldiers and police have done this for someone.

(taken from here)

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"Everyone gets more dates than me." It was a painful part of life he was becoming accustomed to against his will. "Who the hell do you date?"

At least Stiles had been on a couple (sort of) with Lydia.

"I blame it on everyone thinking you're with McCall. Or I would if I was you." Because he had thought it, who knew who else did. "You should distance that... or tell girls he broke your heart."

Yeah, that was a question he wasn't sure about. "Girls out of town? You buying that one?"

"No way. Everyone knows Scott's with Allison." He also hadn't thought that anyone thought he was gay. "Dude, no. I'm not playing the wounded and jilted lover."

He laughed, shaking his head. "Not even if it was free."

"Was. Was with." Which was just him playing around with Stiles. Screwing with him. "But it could get you whatever you want," he teased.

Shrugging, he knew it wouldn't be accepted. "You knew me before Derek came into my life, are you even surprised?"

He rolled his eyes. "He's with her in his head. That's good enough."

He set the cup in the sink, running water into it and holding his hand out for Isaac's. "No. Did you think that would somehow change when you did?"

"That's really creepy," he said, smirking. "Not that I don't think it's true, but creepy."

He chuckled, shrugging. "It has in a lot of ways. I have more confidence than I ever would have had. It's gotten me more attention. Even more than attention, just not dating."

"Hey, it's not like he's living the Matt lie. He's just... waiting for her."

His lips twisted to the side and he looked at Isaac. "Not dating but more than attention. Are you just... you know...?" Don't make him say it, Isaac.

Isaac made a face, toying with his empty mug. "I worry he's going to end up waiting for her and miss someone he could be happy with. I mean, Scott's a decent guy." Shrugging it off even as he said that.

"Yeah, sometimes I'm just, you know," he said, smirking. "That's not dating." Dating and him was still not working out.

"The heart wants what it wants, right?" Look at Lydia. Jackson was a complete douche to her, and yet there she was, pining for him. And there Stiles was, pining for her.

"No, I don't know." A fact that still made him want to kick something. That Isaac could hook up with someone and he couldn't was, well, it was sad.

"You know that could go for you too," he pointed out, giving him a look. "You should... not be miserable." Smiling though as he said it, not willing to not needle him with words.

"So go out. Get laid," he said, shrugging. "You're cute enough. You've got decent manners. You even have a car. If you wanted to get laid, you could." He looked him over a minute, considering that before nodding. "Sure, you could get laid."

"I'm not miserable." He was just taking his time to get over ten years of disappointment.

He just rolled his eyes and gave Isaac a look. "Right. Okay. Sure. I'm the total ladies man." Hey, he wished it was true, but it just wasn't. And that kinda sucked.

"You're spending your night talking to me. Sounds miserable," he said, as if he hadn't just thrown himself through Stiles' window out of desperate fear and panic.

"Not with that attitude," he pointed out, though he made a sound, one shoulder lifting slightly. "I wasn't either. I'm not now." Of course then he was scared. Now he was more aggressive and still lacking the lack of social awkwardness.

"Well, yeah. There's that. I'm starting to feel the eau de misery starting to stench up the place."

He cleaned out the cups, talking to Isaac over his shoulder. "As much as I want to experience a variety of bodily pleasures, I'm not the one night stand type." He got attached and he knew it. A one night stand would turn into something that the other participant might not want and he was trying to avoid pining for something unrequited again.

"Sucks. I know how it is," he admitted with a grin. "Why I came running here."

Another joke, a lot of snark. It was what got them through things. At least for Isaac it was.

"Oh. Commitment. Okay, now you're asking a lot. Least in this town." Everyone knew them. No matter what had changed in their lives, everyone had known them their entire lives and knew who they were. Before. Now. Ever. "So why are you home instead of trying to meet a girl willing to share a variety of bodily pleasures with?"

Wasn't that obvious, Isaac? "Because there aren't any girls that match up to Lydia. Or that have even the remotest of interest in me. I'm double screwed, and not in the way that ensures my pleasure.

He shrugged, getting a cloth out to dry the mugs. "I'm okay with waiting for the right person. If it's the right one, it'll be worth it."

Yeah, he knew it was a vaguely archaic and antiquated view of things, but even his hormonal drive couldn't outmatch the way he was brought up. He wanted what his parents had had. He was willing to wait for it.

"Okay, you know my feelings on Ms Martin these days. As for interest in you, how would you know? You didn't even know Erica did," he pointed out.

He snorted, giving him a look. "You so sure about that? What if you give up everything else and they're not out there," he asked, though now he was more talking about himself as much as Stiles. "You should be enjoying yourself."

"Because I'm not a mind reader. If people don't say anything, how am I supposed to know. I let Lydia know often that I'm interested in her. I haven't heard anything directed my way since that peep from Erica, and I'm pretty sure she's over that."

He put the dried mugs in the cupboard, closing it and looking over at Isaac. "I do enjoy myself. Usually twice a day. Minimum. And I don't want to settle. If it's going to be a forever thing, then I can wait for the right forever. Hopping around from girl to girl isn't something I could see myself doing. Is that how you see me?"

"Yeah she sometimes does that," he said, leaning back against the counter. "Erica that is. I try and not deal with Lydia anymore. So find a girl that isn't Lydia who you could like. Someone, you know, with a soul."

Which was cruel but, you know, true in his mind.

Isaac laughed. "Yeah well... fair enough. About the enjoying yourself thing. As for how I see you? Who knows. I'm not sure how I see you."

"Lydia has a soul." It was habit to defend her and he folded his arms, looking down at his feet. "I don't hang out with girls. None that I'm interested in." He'd been so fixated on one that all the rest had been friendzoned. He couldn't even think about dating anyone that he'd known for as long as he probably had.

He shrugged, pushing off from the counter. "I don't know if that's a good thing or not."

"Sure. You do that just because, don't you?" Because he knows he would with Erica as well, protecting her though she doesn't need it. "So change that and start. We should go out," he said with a nod. "You need to get a date, have fun, not be stuck with annoying wolves harassing you like I am. Oh wait. Already dealing with that."

He smiled though, having gotten past his panic for the time being. "I don't know either, but I don't know you well enough to say what I think of you, and not just who I think you are."

He was ignoring that, Isaac. The offer had him giving Isaac a look. "Go out? Get dates? I, uh, I don't think that's a good idea." Mostly because if Isaac was running around getting laid, Stiles wasn't sure he wanted to hook up with anyone he might have slept with (eww), or anyone that thought just jumping into sex right off the bad sounded like a good plan.

He shrugged. "I guess that's an answer. Or, it's as good as any." He turned to leave the kitchen, assuming Isaac would just follow him up to his room (like a good puppy).

"Why is that a bad idea? Staying around here waiting on Lydia isn't going to help you." In his own mind, a rather twisted mind but still, Isaac is trying to help. He really does feel he's trying. "Would you rather dating a classmate?"

Because they knew them, and had their whole lives. And he does follow. Maybe not good but definitely well heeled. "So... Who are you?"

No, it wouldn't help him. He knew that on the level that mattered, but that didn't stop him from wanting it nonetheless. He shrugged and shook his head. "I don't know, Isaac. I've spent so long wanting Lydia, I have no idea what I want outside of her."

Reaching his room, he went to go back to sitting on his bed, looking at the clock. 1:45am. Great. "Stiles Stilinski. Best friend to a werewolf. Apparently invisible to the girl of my dreams and basically canon fodder and an expendable pawn in the game of Beacon Hills."

Isaac goes silent, obviously having actually listened and considering that and what it means. Shoving his hands in his pockets, he makes a small sound. "So... Guess you're at the figuring out part. Huh."

He went quite again, thinking about it. "You won't find out unless you go out meeting people. I mean to find what you like. And you're not expendable," he said, standing in the doorway. "No one thinks that."

Honestly? He felt like it was breaking some kind of habit or addiction. He knew keeping up with his fascination with Lydia was a bad thing, probably for both of them, but that didn't make it any easier to do. "I don't know."

He leaned back, hands on the bed bracing him up. "You could have fooled me. Scott's the one that's a crucial game player. I'm usually just 'in the way', or used to make a point." It was what he felt like, anyway. Being helpless to do anything when Peter had attacked Lydia had almost killed him. Getting the crap kicked out of him by a terminal octogenarian hadn't helped.

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