bakerstreet | JAN WA

No you're not. It's one word. Word association.

I've done this in therapy before. You're allowed two words if it's one concept. Those are the official rules.

Well guess what, this isn't therapy, and those have never been the rules before.

I think you're just desperate to win to the point you're discarding rules when you think you can get away with it.

[Sometimes, Nothing is entirely aware of how what it's saying is going to rile Jason up, and does it intentionally. He's just so animated when he's annoyed, so effortlessly endearing. Resisting is impossible.]

Desperate to win the point?? I did win the point, you're just a sore loser!

[you're kind of a jerk, Nothing, riling Jason up. honestly it doesn't take much when you know the right buttons to push. he's so easy sometimes.]

[Yep, there it is, there's that reaction. Nothing steps closer, a telekinetic hand reaching out to touch one of Jason's while it keeps its' visible hands firmly at its' sides, lest Jason's training kick in and he think a fight's going to break out. It means to say something normal here, some kind of 'I was just joking' or 'fine, you win'. Instead, what comes out is:]

God, you're beautiful sometimes. I wish I could paint you.

...fuck. I just said that out loud, didn't I?

[ Jason does tense up when Nothing steps closer, ready for a fight if need be... but he knows that isn't going to happen. not with Nothing, even as he feels the touch to his hand.

and truly, what better way to halt Jason's thoughts than with a compliment like that. his eyes go slightly wide, eyebrows shooting up. ]

Uh... yeah?

[Oh. Oh, no. His eyes are gorgeous. Stop Jason you're making this worse.]

Yeah. That's... that's not creepy, is it?

No... it's not creepy.

[he laughs softly, reaching out to nudge his hand against Nothing's for real. it's not often he gets a compliment, especially like that.]

It's kinda nice, actually.

You just... you light up sometimes, you come alive and I wish I could paint that, the light in your eyes, the striking bone structure, all of it.

[Not that it can. Art supplies are way, way out of the budget. But Jason's hand up against its' feels good, humanizing in a way that takes the sting out of the impossibilities Nothing has to live with. Gingerly, it wraps a few fingers around a few of Jason's, like testing the waters for holding hands. That should broadcast just how long it's been since Nothing was close to anyone and how sincere this is - if it were joking around, it wouldn't be so hesitant about everything.]

There's flecks in your eyes that shift shade depending on the lighting. I don't think I could do any painting of you justice, honestly.

[ Jason knows it's no joke. he's been on the other end of a lot of hateful, sarcastic comments. things sneered at him or said in a terrible joking way. this is nothing like that.

he doesn't ever get to hold anyone's hands either, so he understands the hesitation, but he doesn't hesitate to curl his fingers back around Nothing's. it's nice. it feels so good to have nice. ]

Well shit. I don't think anyone's ever thought about my eyes like this before. You... could paint me if you wanted to. Like, I'd be cool with that.

[Nothing inches a little closer. Not a lot. This is very new and while Nothing wants to be smooth and cool the way the papers think it is - likely because Nothing doesn't talk much to the press and thus doesn't have the chance to misstep with them - in the presence of someone willing to touch it, Nothing is equal parts elated and nervous.

This is nice. This is good. And this is all a little baffling. Surely Jason has better options to flirt with than some art nerd recluse.]

I wish I could. But I can't afford art supplies these days. There used to be an art supply shop that'd let me take the expired paints, but they went out of business, so... well. Someday. Just promise not to be too harsh if it's not a perfect likeness.

[ it's a little strange, being this close to someone who has generally kept far enough away. a someone who is covered head to toe, and Jason wishes he could see the person under all of these layers. at least a face.

now that Nothing is this much closer, Jason wishes he could see their face. ]

We can get paints, that's no big deal. Paints and brushes and whatever else you need. It's cool. Bruce gives me a ridiculous allowance.

[Jason knows exactly what it feels like to have nothing. before Bruce took him in he was living on the streets, eating out of dumpsters. he couldn't afford a single damn thing, but now? now he can afford to get some paints.]

[Thank God Nothing has a full helmet on. That keeps the temptation to impulsively kiss Jason at bay, even if that temptation is probably going to manifest in dreams later regardless. But there's reasons for the identity protection, and there's also outright insecurity.

Jason wouldn't find what's under this helmet. Nothing is, at best, plain. It knows this well.

Its' first thought is but don't you need that money before it remembers Bruce is loaded beyond imagination. For once, there's no shame in taking an offer for help because there's no way for that to backfire on the person offering it. Nothing swallows, though, surprised by the offer. People offer up vital things like a coat or food, when Nothing has saved their lives. People don't offer up something personal without any reason to.]

I - I'd like that. I'd like that a lot, honestly, I just... I just hope I can do something for you, someday. You deserve it.

[ Jason doesn't really understand that part, or why Nothing covers up the way they do... or why they call themselves Nothing. but he's interested. Nothing has definitely piqued Jason's interest. ]

It's cool, don't worry about it. But maybe you can answer some questions for me.

[he hesitates for a moment, then asks.]

Like... why do you cover your face? It would be real nice to see it.

[Nothing swallows, looking away. If anyone else was looking at it, it doubts they'd catch the slight tilt of the head that indicates that, but Jason is sharp, with an eye for detail that will no doubt catch the movement. It weighs its' thoughts, carefully making the decision to reveal a small piece of background, despite the risk of that being compromising information.]

I... it's complicated. There's a lot of reasons. I don't want to have my secret identity compromised, for one, but for another, I know how cops work, especially in the shitty part of town I'm from originally. If they knew I was black, I would not be getting to explain myself to them or make citizen's arrests or hand over tips this freely. I'm not like Batman, I don't run around the whole city, I work on a local level, mostly against gangs and drug pushers and domestic abusers. I can't afford anything that might undermine that work. Other people matter more than I do. And, well. It's not just cops, is it? That's the thing, I got used to being treated better than before, and now it feels uncomfortable not to have this on. People listen to me now. [There's a hint of despair there, a mix of exasperation that this is what it took to be treated well and a nagging fear that people, once they know what's under the mask, won't continue that treatment.] People talk to me like I'm not inherently too dumb to understand the books I namedrop or the artists I like and... and people don't misgender me as much. They're more likely to listen to me when I say what I prefer if I'm like this.

I feel more confident like this. I know that's messed up. I know it's stupid. It's just... it's just how I am. I'm sorry.

[ Jason does catch it and he knows it might be an uncomfortable question, but he feels like it's something important to know about. to ask about.

it makes him angry to hear that cops are even a single part of the reason why. he hates how true it is too. the same goes for people, treating someone like Nothing badly. it's bullshit, but it's real. and still, it's upsetting to know that Nothing hides their entire identity away because of reasons like that.

but he also realizes that there are pieces of information about Nothing that he gets to have, even if they're small. Nothing is choosing to share this with him, and he doesn't take that lightly. ]

It's not stupid. I get it. Not in the exact same way, but... when I was on the streets I was treated like garbage too. Piece of shit cops love to beat on street kids, you know? And I get the whole mask thing. Putting it on, knowing you can do so much more behind it. The cops that used to beat me? I beat back now and it feels fucking good.

I wouldn't treat you any differently though. Mask or no mask. You know my secret identity too.

[Being assumed to be white like most superheroes has been a very welcome change. People talk to Nothing, listen, take warnings seriously, and even when other superheroes who it has beef with have slandered it, no one has ever assumed violent intent from Nothing without provocation. These are not rights. These are privileges that can go away in an instant. So the helmet has stayed on through thick and thin, every inch of skin is covered, layers stay on in summer, and the public is none the wiser. No one questions something as ingrained as white-as-the-default. And Nothing gets more civil treatment while lurking in the dark and calling itself Nothing than it got in the light under a full legal name.

Batman saw Nothing unmasked, but between being drugged and having its' hair mussed by a trafficker who thought Nothing looked younger that way, it isn't sure if Batman knows its' actual identity. If he does, he's never said anything. He's also never said anything about Nothing's race to anyone else, including Jason, which is appreciated. He did insist on buying Nothing a burner phone, which was too practical to turn down, even if Nothing half-suspects the thing was bugged.]

I know. Cops don't touch kids in my neighborhood and I don't touch them in return. We reached an understanding around the second police cruiser I totaled. They may not care about kids, but they care about cash, and cruisers are expensive. It's not much - I'm not saving everyone, I know that - but it's better than nothing. I try. And somehow, somewhere along the way, after years of doing this and not showing my face to a single person, this, [it gestures to the mask with its' free (visible) hand,] started feeling normal. It feels comfortable. I kind of forget I have it on, sometimes.

I know you wouldn't treat me differently. You give off the vibe of someone who'd punch the cops from my old neighborhood directly in the face. But I feel better this way. I see my own face so rarely I don't... I don't really identify with it, if that makes sense? It's my face but it doesn't feel like mine. And my superpowers have changed it. My eyes aren't the same as they used to be, and that's... [awful. disgusting. impossible to look at for great lengths of time] hard to take.

It's not you, it's me. You haven't done anything wrong.

[ it's a shitty assumption, but Nothing is right, it's there. Jason has had a shit life, but he knows he's still privileged in that way. he's seen it on the streets. but not just that, he knows everyone has their own shitty biases too. he didn't even think twice about wondering if Nothing was white or not, and he knows that he's guilty of the same kinda bias, even if not to the same degree as those racist piece of shit cops out there.

but Batman? yeah, Batman knows Nothing's identity. he's Batman. he has every piece of information at his fingertips, but he'd never say a word. not to Jason, not to anyone (maybe to Dick Grayson, but that kinda thing is always in Jason's head too. never good enough. never Dick Grayson. but that's a whole other self esteem issue.) ]

Batman does a similar kinda thing with the cops. I don't agree with it... only in the sense that they should all be fucking totaled, but I catch your vibe. I'd definitely punch em right in the face, though. I have. And I do my best to protect my neighborhood.... not this one, but deep downtown Gotham. The Narrows. Nothing good ever happens there.

[Jason looks down at their hands, sliding his fingers through Nothing's.]

Maybe if you let someone else look at it who would like it, it might start feeling like yours again.

...I've never liked my eyes either. They look like my dad's. But you think they're beautiful, so... maybe I could think yours are too.

[At this point any surprise is over. When people assume Nothing is white, it doesn't get mad and it doesn't get offended, even if some part of it, the wide-eyed inner child that used to clutch its' mothers hand when skinheads walked by, still gets ready to bolt at the sight of them. Some fears are inherent, built into Nothing so deep that they carried over from civilian life and would carry into a third, newer life. Some experiences are old hat. Being assumed to be white online when talking about art was the childhood intro to this, to the fact that certain things were presumed to be the domain of certain people.

Batman has wisely not breathed a word about anything he's dug up and that's very much the correct move given Nothing's mental health hasn't always been the best. If he said anything that indicated he knew, Nothing would never work with him again, and given how badly things tend to go when a hero strikes out solo so young, that could end up having lethal consequences. He's made the correct move. Jason, though, Jason asks for things not because he wants Nothing's identity, but because he wants to see it.

Someone wanting to look it in the eye is such a foreign concept that even replying is difficult.]

I can't spend all my time fighting the police. I've got too many other problems to deal with. I'd love to punch them, but I don't have the time. Things get dark all over this city. Between trying to protect the homeless and monitoring the three gangs in my neighborhood and getting somewhere warm for the runaway kids on the street to stay that isn't a shelter, sometimes I don't even sleep. I just keep pushing until the work is done.

[Nothing turns its' head away, distinctly uncomfortable, shoulders tensing.]

I... it's been four years. I need time. Not now. I can't.

You're not the only one who looks like someone you don't like.

[They're not getting into Nothing's family life. Ever. But there's a heaviness there that implies there's a shared root of the problem, there. The changes that came with powers didn't fix the face it was stuck with, the same face as its' brother. No. You're not part of that family now. That's not your brother. He's a stranger. You're nothing to him. It's fine. It's better that way.]

[ Jason furrows his eyes a little, frowning. there's wanting to help, and then there's a bit of self righteousness. Nothing has to realize they're all doing the same thing, right? especially now that they're here, working with Batman. and with him. ]

What, like I don't have problems? I'm trying to do the same thing. I'm doing the same thing. I can punch the fucking police just as much as I can protect the homeless and monitor three gangs in my neighborhood and get the kids off the street so they have someplace warm to stay. You're not the only one, you know. Why do you think you're here.

[he can try to understand everything else. but that part? clearly Nothing isn't a one person mission around here and it's kinda shitty for them to assume they're the only one holding down the fort. Jason's from the streets. he lived the life that Nothing is trying to protect those kinds from. he knows it more than anything else he's ever had.

he tries not to let it get to him, though.]

It's okay. It's alright. You don't have to.

It's totally alright if you don't show me your face right now. I get it. But the self righteous attitude? We're all doing our parts here. We're all fighting tooth and fucking nail for our city. I don't sleep either, but I'm not gonna stand here and tell you that I've got too many other problems to deal with.

[Jesus Christ, not this. This, this is a kind of drama Nothing can't do, this thing where people make things up and put it on Nothing to apologize for things never said. It pulls its' hand away, stepping back.]

Jason, I didn't say you didn't have problems. I didn't imply it. I didn't talk about you, I said that I don't have as much time to dedicate to fighting the police as I'd like. I don't know why you're taking my failings as a personal attack on you. The fact that I don't get nearly enough done eats away at me daily, I know I'm not doing enough and I know I don't have a good excuse for it. None of that has anything to do with you, it has to do with me being a shitty excuse for a superhero when this city deserves better. If you want to be angry at me, be angry at me for being a failure, not for admitting to it.

[ maybe Nothing should realize the way things come out of their mouth, then. it was a clear response to what Jason said. he punches cops? he fights them? oh, Nothing has too many other problems to deal with and doesn't have time for that. that's exactly what was said, and Jason's no fool. he can pick up on that. ]

You implied you had bigger things to deal with. Like I was fucking around with the cops instead of doing all the other things I need to do to protect this city.

[pulling their hand away, stepping back, thinking of what Jason says as drama instead of really thinking about it- yeah, Jason's used to that too. he's tired too. it's fine.]

You're not the only one here, protecting this city. The whole fucking thing doesn't rest on you. You feel like a failure, why? Cause you're not doing it all? Well guess what, we're doing it too, so you don't have to.

I grew up on those streets. I'm not superheroing. This is my life.

I didn't say I had bigger things to deal with, just more varied kinds of things. I literally said I can't spend all my time on them, that doesn't mean I don't want to kick their asses or that that's not a worthy cause - by that logic, nothing on Earth is a worthy cause because neither of us spends 100% of our time doing one thing and one thing only. I never implied or stated that you don't do things to protect the city or that you don't do what you need to. You're making shit up entirely out of whole cloth.

I never said that I was the only one protecting this city. I never said the whole thing rests on me. I said I want to do more because maybe, just maybe, it weighs on me when people die and I could have stopped it, when someone innocent goes down who could've had a future if I hadn't been sitting on my ass, when some something goes wrong and it's not something that can be fixed! Maybe I don't like it when I see people die because people matter and there are no unimportant people or roles in life and every single one of them that dies leaves behind family, friends, classmates and whoever else who have to try to pick up the pieces and go on when they've lost someone they loved! Maybe I try to do it all because all people are worth saving.

I don't have a home. I don't have a family. I gave up home, family, friends, my education, my name, everything for this in the hope that I could make a difference and I barely have. For the past four years I have lived every second of my waking life devoted to helping others and still failing them constantly! Is knowing other people are out there doing the work supposed to be comforting when I see a quadruple homicide done by someone on PCP who never meant to hurt anyone? Is knowing you're out there supposed to make it not hurt when I tell the cops hey, that ten year old you were looking for threw herself off a building, the body's in the alley? Is Batman's existence going to bring back the three kids who got smothered to death by their mother in a bout of postpartum depression? That's how this week has gone for me and maybe it makes me a shitty person, but no, knowing other people are out there doesn't make it hurt less because they're people and people matter.

If you don't like my attitude go find the asshole who gave me these powers - which I never asked for or wanted and begged him to take away - and get him to reverse it if you're so pressed about it! I hate me too, but this is my life and until my powers get yanked or I die I'm going to be doing this and, offensive as it apparently is, yeah, I'm going to be upset when I can't do something and I'm going to hate it when people are mistreated or abused or killed.

You got me. I am in fact still upset about crime and death even when other people are out there trying to help. You win. You're better than me. I don't know why this makes me bad to you. Or why you're so keen on reading into everything I say. But just say the word and I'll walk. I've been alone for four years, I can do another four solo, no problem.

[Nothing. Not human. Not a person, not someone, thus not capable of being hurt when yet another person hates it and discards it and finds it tiresome. Infinitely capable of enduring and surviving regardless despite never wanting to be in this position, despite nights spent begging God to please, please take these powers away. Nothing is a concept. A concept can't hurt or break or be defeated or stop. Concepts just exist. Nothing as a concept only arguably exists. It shuts its' eyes and takes a deep breath.

When it speaks, its' voice is low and monotone again, as if all the emotion that was just displayed never existed.]

You're free to stop associating with me at any time. I apologize. I know I'm not pleasant to be around. Just let me know and you will never have to deal with me again. You have my word.

[This is a very healthy, normal way to deal with things, clearly.]

Wow. Wow. It weighs on you when people die. You don't like it. Do you even hear yourself right now? You are the most self righteous fucking asshole I've ever met in my life. Listen to yourself, Jesus fucking Christ. Don't you think we all wanna do more???

You're here, with me, with Batman and you really don't give a shit, do you. You don't care that we're working together. It's still all on you. I mean wow, holy fuck. It weighs on your when people die, when you see quadruple homicides and suicides and the rest of us, well golly fucking gosh. Never seen anything like that in my life, huh? Didn't live with that shit day in and day out. Like my week wasn't full of the same thing.

But I guess it only gets to you. You're the only one out there. Fuck us trying to work together, huh? You don't get it, do you. You really don't get it. You're just talking and talking and not listening to a single word coming outta your mouth.

If you wanna walk away, go ahead. It would really fucking suck, but you're not even trying to see it any other way. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and open up your fucking eyes. The city is hurting, we're all hurting. We're all trying to do what we can to help. If you wanna walk away from the thing that'll help you do more? That's your choice. Just get your head outta your ass.

Maybe you're failing for a reason. You're not the goddamn Martyr of Gotham City.

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I apologize for this moody teenage bullshit

lol have you met Jason Todd? xD