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bakerstreet2023-01-14 08:38 pm
fleurmortelle) wrote in bakerstreet2023-01-14 08:38 pm
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JAN WA
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no subject
how unforgiving, for a person who claims to care so deeply for the people they protect. maybe Jason should be so unforgiving too. maybe Glaïeul thinks he already is. does Glaïeul even know what being berated is? clearly not if they think that's what happened with Jason, and how unforgiving they're being to him when he's trying so damn hard.]
I've never really read anything about Robin Hood. Just saw it in the previous Robin's notes. And like, not that I'd wanna change it, but I wouldn't be able to even if I wanted to. It's Batman and Robin, that's how it's always gonna be.
[if the rest of the world asked, then maybe they're all better than Jason is too. why is Glaïeul even talking to him then? why are they acting like everything is ok when they have this deep contempt for Jason. there was no intense anger or fury. is Jason not allowed to get upset when he sees an injustice in front of him? that must be meant for everyone else. Jason has never never thought of Glaïeul as he. has always known they were non-binary and has treated them as such. again, Glaïeul is making things up in their head. blowing things completely out of proportion for no reason. if they thought Jason thought of them as he and would slip back into the same place mentally, my god how wrong they would be. Glaïeul thinks Jason thinks so little of them as a person because he thinks of Glaïeul as he? Except Jason doesn't. not ever. another thing made up in Glaïeul's head. how sad for Jason that this is what's become of this.
Jason made one mistake with their argument, the same as Glaïeul did and now Jason's being condemned. now he's toxic, even though he's been doing everything he can to make it right. it's terrible. it's painful... or it will be when Jason finds out. it'll ache and consume him and then he'll push it deep down where all the rest of the hurt is. Glaïeul is not the first person to treat him like this. to think of him like this.
for now, he's blissfully ignorant of Glaïeul's horrible thoughts about him. all he thinks is that maybe he has a friend. maybe Glaïeul likes him, and thinks he's worth it. at least worth showing their face to, to be able to tell their name to him. Jason is hopeful, even if just a little bit. he'll be heartbroken, but maybe Glaïeul already thinks of Jason as someone with barely any heart.
it's funny, there was a time when Glaïeul didn't mostly think of Jason as this poisonous trash. when they thought it was cute and amusing to rile him up. Jason should have been the one who was wary and careful, tiptoeing around, holding everything in. he had no idea Glaïeul would be this harsh with him.
does Glaïeul even realize what they're taking from Jason right now? pretending to like him and to be kind and nice to him when all they're thinking of are terrible things about him with scattered thoughts of maybe how kind he might be? it's toxic. it's toxic, yes. but in the opposite way Glaïeul is thinking. ]
Heeeey, I didn't say I wasn't smart.
[he laughs, but he gets what Glaïeul means. he's a hell of a lot more practical smart than book smart. he's mostly trying with that too, though. he tries so damn hard with everything.]
What do you think would help you adjust better? ...I can help. I mean, if you want me to.
[but only then, because Jason's so big on consent, too. it seems like Glaïeul knew that at one point, but now their thoughts are slowly declining, getting worse about Jason with every move, and Jason wouldn't even have the first clue of what he's done so badly for that to happen. blissfully ignorant. so blissful as he tilts his head and offers Glaïeul another small smile.]
If you like soft touches, that could help. I uh... I like that too. Don't tell anyone though. Everyone thinks I'm a total badass.
no subject
Paints don't make up for that, for making things up, putting words in its' mouth, and then when it got distressed enough to open up out of sheer despair, calling it a martyr who needed to stop feeling sorry for itself.
This is how this relationship works: Nothing tries to show its' face and tries to extend the olive branch that is giving someone its' name, it tries to say the right things, it tries not to invoke anger in Jason, tries to keep the peace and tries to keep its' statements simple enough that they can't be twisted into insults. That brings out a different Jason entirely who seems like a completely different human being, one who cares. The Jason who fabricated things out of thin air and refused to take anything Nothing said as anything other than a 'fuck you' is somehow in the same body as one who cleaned Nothing's face and wrapped its' ankle. The same Jason Todd who induced pure despair in Nothing and made it feel like trash is now holding its' face and acting like he didn't call it a self-righteous martyr. And the same Jason Todd who called Nothing a self-righteous martyr somehow didn't like it when Nothing walked away from paint supplies to focus on work even though 'suck it up, stop being upset about things and focus on work' was the thesis statement of the argument. Stop having feelings and work with me, no wait, not like that, have feelings and paint, damnit.
Once, Nothing thought riling Jason up was fun, but that was before he showed how much contempt he could have for someone out of nowhere, how suddenly he could go from friend to furious, how he could take a statement and make it a personal insult and turn it into a reason to rage. Most people generally do not like being hurt. Most people, upon being hurt, act differently around the person who hurt them.
This is not unusual. One person lashes out and twists words and gets angry and then thinks of himself as a victim. One person hurts and endures and tries to speak softer and kinder the next time, trying to believe the compassionate part of the other person is the real him. The first person would take that as an insult, thus proving the point that speaking softly and tiptoeing around is necessary. Lots of people do this, learn to live with the lows in order to accept the highs, tread very lightly and try to do what the other person wants.
Nothing is trying so hard. It's showing him its' face and giving him its' name and trying to establish some kind of shared moment, some shared sense of caring about one another, comraderie, in spite of the slap in the face that was everything Jason said before. It is trying hard to believe Jason is mostly good and only intermittently furious, that the real him is good and tender and sweet, that they can manage to arrange this into a functional friendship where they're both happy. It is trying to make them both happy. It believes Jason can be better than the asshole who made Nothing retreat into not thinking of itself as a person to cope with how much he loathed it. If that's toxic, then sure, it's 'toxic', the same way Nothing wishing it had more time to fight the police was a secret 'fuck-you' - only to Jason's mind, not by any other metric.]
I think your knowledge is probably serving you better than mine is. There's real-world applications for what you know, after all.
[There are no real world applications for Nothing's knowledge pool outside of making itself happy and content. That's hardly impressive.
Nothing shrugs. Body issues aren't something it has any real knowledge on how to fix. Frankly, that's outside both of their skill sets entirely. Neither of them is a therapist.] I don't know. I don't really know a lot about this kind of thing. I tried looking up things online, since it's kind of like poor body image, but... [People writing about poor body image didn't write for people with this kind of involuntary, growing discoloration. That's not a common issue, so advice tended to be focused elsewhere.
Oblivious to how trying to be nice could be considered "pretending" to be nice, blissfully unaware that trying to keep the peace is a "toxic" thing to do, living in gentle ignorance of how even trying to not upset him could potentially be viewed poorly by Jason, Nothing takes the offer at face value and mulls it over for a few seconds. Does it like being touched? Does it dislike it? It tries to pull from distant memories and comes up with no solid answers.]
I don't remember enough about being touched to even know if I like soft touches or not anymore. Plus I'm too tired to think straight right now, so that's probably not helping my memory any. I guess we could try it? [Worth a shot, when they've both had some sleep and aren't dead on their feet.]
Also, you're a total badass regardless of what you like. You stole hubcaps off the Batmobile, your badass cred is basically untouchable at this point. I'm the one who used to paint and unironically watch opera.
no subject
[ah yes, too measly an attempt at being kind and repairing what he said when they were both going at it with each other. he even apologized, though they were both in the wrong, but it's fine. Jason is truly the horrible one.
what have his actions shown to say he's playing a victim? is being genuinely kind and trying to reach back out to Glaïeul such a thing? maybe it's Glaïeul who truly needs to stop and reflect here, to think about what Jason had said because their terrible thoughts of theirs. it seems Jason was wrong all along. Glaïeul isn't a martyr. they're willing to fully accuse and twist something nice into something so terrible.
or maybe terrible really is all Jason is. a furious bully who causes others to cower and tiptoe around their words. of course he's alone. of course Batman is the only one who would ever make him feel like he isn't a mistake. it could very well be that he is one.
the thing is, Jason isn't thinking about Glaïeul in any terrible way. the softness and kindness he's offering is at face value. in his head he's not thinking the opposite of anything he's speaking and doing right now. if that makes him a victim, a monster, so be it.
Glaïeul doesn't have to be here with him or speak to Jason any longer than they feel the need to force themselves. Jason will be hurt, but ultimately understand. they can take the next out if they have to. no one's forcing them to stay here with this toxic, furious, rageful Jekyll and Hyde. they don't have to force themselves to think of this side of Jason as some other body. the irony is truly not lost there.
it doesn't seem like anything Jason does will ever help, and if there's one more misstep, if Jason is sad or depressed or hurt or angry, anything that is a negative emotion, he's done anyway. unacceptable.
Oblivious to how trying to be nice could be considered "pretending" to be nice, blissfully unaware that trying to keep the peace is a "toxic" thing to do, living in gentle ignorance of how even trying to not upset him could potentially be viewed poorly by Jason now who is playing the victim? none of these things are in Jason's head or what he's trying to do. What are the thoughts in Glaïeul's head about Jason, though?]
Only if you want to. I just thought it could be nice. Something grounding. I know that's how it is for me. I mean... I think so too. I can't really remember the last time either.
[Jason is fully hesitant. too much too soon and it might be too much, so Jason simply continues to just move his fingers back and forth along their face.]
...Do you like musicals?
no subject
[Jason never said sorry for hurting Nothing. He said he was sorry it came out the wrong way. He never said he was wrong in his assessments that Nothing is self-righteous, a martyr, and secretly everything Nothing said was a coded fuck-you to Jason. That utter madness, that 'you said you wish you could fight cops more? that's an insult implying I don't do things and a personal attack and how dare you', cannot be overlooked or ignored. Painting supplies and a wrapped ankle do not retroactively make those actions sane, rational, reasonable or less nonsensical.
He's not a bad person. But it's very likely his trauma is coloring his views of interactions so heavily that instead of asking himself, 'does it make sense to accuse someone of implying I have nothing better to do when someone says they wish they could do what I did' and 'does it make sense to accuse someone of thinking things only get to it and not to anyone else when that was never said?' he just operates with total certainty that other people need to think more. If other people think more, surely, people will realize wild leaps of logic and words being shoved into their mouths is fine, right?
Wrong. His actions have consequences. Painting supplies and a wrapped ankle and 'sorry it came out wrong, not sorry for the insults or making shit up though' don't erase cruelty. He can be angry at Nothing for being stressed and then tell himself everyone hates him for being stressed and sad, but that won't rewrite what actually happened.
Facts do not bend to narratives. Facts remain facts. He lashed out without provocation, and now his friend is going to have to take time to process that. That's how life works.
Oblivious to the fact no proper verbal apology is coming, unaware that choosing to believe in the good in someone is somehow a negative thing, not even considering that acknowledging people have both bad and good sides could be seen as anything other than a fairly neutral and universal statement of fact, simply treating Jason like someone who hurt it but who could and would do better in the future, Nothing is trying very hard to make this work. It is trying to overlook being made to feel like shit and rebuild a friendship with someone it believes has good in him. If that's "playing the victim", then so be it. If trying to talk to someone calmly and rationally is wrong, Nothing doesn't want to be right. Seeing hope for the future of someone or a friendship hardly feels like a grievous error.]
I don't really know what works for me when it comes to grounding. In winter, I like to take my gloves off and let the cold hit me. That helps. But obviously that's not a great solution, especially since it's seasonally dependent. And touch wasn't an option, for a while, so I can't say how effective it'd be one way or the other. We can try, though. We won't know unless we do.
[The guy instinct answer is no. A lot of modern musicals are all about high school, a deeply alienating premise for someone who didn't get to finish it. But there's a handful that were more engaging, that didn't grate, and Nothing focuses on those instead.]
I liked Natasha, Pierre and the Great Comet of 1812, I saw a good performance of Phantom of the Opera once and I like the soundtrack for the Anastasia musical. I used to sing Stay, I Pray You to try to develop a more classical music voice.
no subject
[he remembers how little time Glaïeul said they have for everything else but protecting their neighborhood. unfortunately Jason has to do both, but he'd drop the whole fake school thing if he could.]
I think Batman thinks I'm smart. Like, he wouldn't take me on if he didn't. Like damn, I hope he does.
[Jason's attempt was more than Glaïeul's so what does that say about them? They didn't even bother or try.
Glaïeul is working hard at proving Jason right though. he really, truly is with every thought. how do they get through any relationship working like this? thinking so terribly of the people around them who are trying to make something work.
honestly why are they even bothering if this is their view on everything Jason is and did? actions have consequences but it's not as if Glaïeul has even tried to understand Jason's side of anything. he's so unrelenting, so harsh. maybe Jason's the one who should be wary... but he isn't. he feels for Glaïeul in a way the other might never understand. he'd never think those horrible things about them.
they hurt Jason just as completely. Jason just didn't fall apart so completely. apparently that makes it ok for Glaïeul to be the way they are, but not Jason.
again, the irony.
hopefully, eventually Glaïeul will tell Jason how they really feel, or show him since they aren't good with words. or maybe not, since these outward actions of theirs are all while they're thinking Jason is a shitty, terrible person. Jason would only want Glaïeul to be honest with him. hopefully, though, before Jason opens too much of himself up. he has a tendency to be easy like that, much like before.]
I also thought maybe it would just be cool for us to... you know. Get closer.
[he remembers Glaïeul's words. they seem like ages ago now though and maybe they're no longer valid, maybe Glaïeul has taken them all back, but Jason looks a little sheepish and a little hopeful.
he still can't stop looking at Glaïeul's face. they really are so beautiful.]
Cool... I was gonna say I saw a damn good performance of Phantom of the Opera too but it was a high school one so probably not. West Side story is one of my favorites. I know all the songs.
[god, why is he telling Glaïeul all these little things about himself? he should stop, he really should, but it's so hard when he starts feeling this way about someone.]
no subject
[Making time to speak French is the exact opposite of a problem. That's an activity that's actually fun, counts as helping another superhero, and since Nothing has gotten rid of the books it procured and the piano it repaired, there are no longer as many distractions to take its' mind off of the only thing that truly matters, work. So there's time cleared up for this.
There's nothing is says about "them". There is no one who uses they/them present. The person here who uses "he/him" is Jason. There is no they/them person here.
What is present is someone who is trying to overlook the past and see the good in Jason and believe the kindness he's showing is the real him. If that counts as thinking of him as "shitty", then it's hard to imagine anything that would count as "good".]
I... I don't know how good I'd be at a relationship. I had exactly one in high school and I wasn't great at it. I wanted something long-term and I wanted someone I could talk to about everything and she wanted temporary fun, it was... honestly it was my fault for trying to get it to work when it was obviously doomed from the start. The point is, I have no real experience. I don't even really know how getting close to someone works anymore.
[High school was a disaster. Adoring her didn't make her compatible with it and her adoring it didn't make it compatible with her. And instead of being rational about things they just tried to ignore that. Maybe that was just a consequence of being fourteen.
Nothing felt decent-looking, bad then. Back when it had beautiful eyes like its' father, back when its' skin was human-looking and it could walk around without gloves.]
Phantom of the Opera is great. I hate the movie version of it, but the actual musical is fantastic. I just don't usually admit to liking it because musical people think it's a 'basic' thing to be into. That doesn't mean I haven't downloaded multiple versions of it onto my laptop. Or gone as the Phantom for Halloween, once. Thankfully no photo evidence survives of my terrible homemade outfit.
[Those were good times. It used to rehearse the Phantom's part just for the love of the melodrama of the lyrics. Nothing's brother would plug his ears and pretend to be plagued by it. Its' sister would try to sing along. Nothing wonders what it was like for Jason, being an only child.]
no subject
[which is what Batman expects Jason to do. Batman, who had never asked Glaïeul what their pronouns were, because he's not attuned to even ask, so Glaïeul must have had to correct him at some point. a simple correction that could be made with Jason as well, same as when they asked Jason not to call them dude. Jason simply apologized, said he wouldn't, and moved forward.
Glaïeul never asked Jason his pronouns either, if they're going to go down that route and Batman only ever uses Nothing's superhero name. hell, Glaïeul even assumed Jason was straight. so pot kettle and all that.
what counts as Glaïeul thinking Jason is shitty is everything they've been thinking about him and who he is. maybe they don't even realize their stream of thought. now that would really be something. but they're both young, it happens. still, hopefully there's some honesty there. that would be nice for both of them at least at some point in the near future.]
I'd say you're doing pretty good. Like here we are in a good spot when things could've gotten a lot worse. I wasn't even really talking about a relationship though. Just this, like I said before. Getting to know each other. I think getting close comes with that.
[Jason's almost relieved when Glaïeul glosses over that little tidbit he shared about himself, but he lights up when Glaïeul sounds like they really know what they're talking about.]
You like it that much? Damn, I never would've thought. People who think its basic don't really get the ins and outs of it though, or how much it takes to get into those roles. It's fucking dramatic.
no subject
[Jason got furious when Nothing assumed he wasn't attracted to it because assumptions are bad. Jason makes an assumption and that is good. Nothing does not get furious, and lets it slide. Letting things slide is, somehow, bad. Not starting conflict is bad. Rolling with things is bad. Nothing thinks Jason can be better and that's "thinking he's shitty". It thinks the kind part of Jason is the real him and that's somehow an insult?
Is there anything that can't be spun into the other person being bad whilst Jason is flawless and eternally in the right? Is there anything that would be taken in good faith?]
Good. But for the record, I don't know how to do friendships, either. I was pretty much a three-friends-and-my-brother guy in school my whole life. Branching out is new to me. How does this work? Do we just ask each other whatever questions come to us?
[Looking at how Jason acted before, Nothing is deeply relieved he's not talking about a relationship. It needs someone who's never made it feel like less than a person if it's going to have a relationship of any kind. It needs someone who makes it feel safe and like it can be itself. Thank God. At least that much, they can be in full agreement on.]
I don't really advertise my taste in things. But from what I've gathered listening to musical theater people, the reason it's considered basic is because there's romance in it and a lot of women like it, therefore they assume it can't have any real value to it or be good.
[Fans always find excuses to pick on other fans and call them lesser in some way. Musical fans are not immune to that. Less public about it, maybe, but not exempt from the pettiness that inexplicably pops up among fans of just about anything.]
no subject
[aahhhh see, that's the thing. Jason wouldn't think he was right about all of these things. any of these things. it's Glaïeul who is and has been claiming that they had done nothing wrong. that the attack was completely on them. that they're the victim here, all alone.
that is the issue finally circled back around to. there really is nothing more than that at the heart of it.
Jason didn't get furious when the other had assumed he wasn't attracted. not even a little bit. has Glaïeul really twisted it all up in their head that badly??? now it's even more of a relief that they said they needed help. maybe now they can get it. maybe the Ativan will help too. Jason will do everything in his power to get it for them.]
I think it just happens naturally. Like how we've been doing. Like... I already feel closer to you now than I did before. You showed me your face, told me your name... and I can tell you that I like you.
[it's funny, just downstairs, not long ago, Glaïeul had been thinking of holding Jason, kissing him, laying here with him. strange how that has shifted so much, when all Jason has been doing is appreciating this moment between the two of them and taking in everything that is Glaïeul. they had planned to come up here to lay with each other. what has Jason done or said from downstairs to now that has made Glaïeul hate the thought so much? curious.]
But the romance is the best part.
[he says as he leans in a little, almost shyly.]
no subject
[Nothing literally apologized for having a mental health crisis. If Jason thinks that equals not admitting to making mistakes, then he simply does not know what words mean. If Jason thinks someone acknowledging that he was hurtful is playing the victim, then he has warped the word 'victim' to mean 'anyone who does not instantly forgive me for hurting them'.
The biggest help would be space away from Jason, the mental gymnastics, the insults, the unrelenting dedication to viewing Nothing as the one in the wrong no matter what, the dedication to viewing everything as an insult, as disgust, as hate, as other people playing the victim. If apologies don't count, if facts don't matter, if not wanting to be hurt by someone who went from normal conversation to ranting about how secretly Nothing was implying this that and the other thing about him is "playing the victim", well... maybe Nothing can get Batman to find someone else to help Jason. Maybe Nothing can try working with someone else to get Ativan, though frankly, no one ever made Nothing feel like shit that badly even sans Ativan before. No Ativan and no Jason was a better state to be in than with Jason.
This is work. This is not a source of joy. Being near this guy is work, like patrol or fighting.]
You... Jason, I don't think you should get too attached to me. I - the thing is - I didn't get my powers the correct way someone's supposed to get magic infused into them. I don't... I think I have four years left. Maybe five. Then I... the human body isn't meant to hold this much energy. It burns through most humans. [Nothing looks down at its' hands, already blackened up past the elbow. Once that gets to its' head, everything is over.
The good Jason is someone worth holding onto. The good Jason may not be the real him, though. Maybe the real him is the furious man telling Nothing it's self-righteous and wants to be a martyr and everyone sees dead bodies. Maybe the real him is that, seething contempt. He's partly Erik, kind and thoughtful, but also part Phantom, cursing Christine abruptly when she misstepped by removing the mask.
But neither Christine nor Erik had a ticking clock in play. Nothing does. Unless it starts making sacrifices to the Scarlet King, it has an expiration date. To curl up and cuddle and kiss and adore and then leave someone to have to bury it, that just feels... wrong. Cruel. Not something it should do to someone who cares. What kind of slap across the face would it be to let someone get deeply attached and then leave that someone - especially someone who's already had so much loss and pain? Nothing wouldn't do that to its' worst enemy.
Lying had occurred to Nothing as an option, but that's even more morally bankrupt. Take all the affection it wants, then leave without warning? God, that would be sick and twisted. That would hurt worse, to be totally blindsided by it. And frankly, enough lying goes on in Gotham already. This is not something Jason needs. Betrayal is not something anyone in this line of work needs, and to withhold the truth is a betrayal of trust, and not one Nothing can justify as being necessary in any way, just one that would make life easier.
Nothing doesn't lean away, but it does not lean in. Neither choice feels morally correct.]
no subject
[ then Glaïeul should do what's the biggest help for them. their views on this will never change, they won't stop to think even for a moment that they're not completely in the right here. that just as Jason would afford them some understanding about the situation, they might do the same.
there's just none of that, apparently. they've twisted this up so completely that there might not be any salvaging it at all. shame, their relationship might've been good for both of them, given the chance.
shame, that Glaïeul has twisted this up so much.
if being without Jason is far better than being with him, then they absolutely shouldn't be. there's so much contempt for Jason, even though they might be acting like they're looking for his kindness, that they like some parts of him... clearly they aren't if all of the above thoughts are true.
imagine if anyone told a person that there was a good person and a bad person living inside of them. who wouldn't be hurt by that? they got into one argument and Glaïeul views Jason as unrelenting in everything terrible. do they not realize this?? maybe not.
maybe not.
Jason would give them the benefit of the doubt, though. or he'd at least try.
Glaïeul should just tell Jason that even being near him is like work. they should just tell him that no Jason is a far better state to be in than one with him. his parents told him the same.
deep down, Jason would fully, absolutely agree. so at least there's that, too. another thing they'd agree on. Glaïeul should tell him. there's enough lying that goes on in Gotham already. ]
...That doesn't make me like you any less.
[Jason moves his hand back to Glaïeul's, pressing their fingertips together. four years. five years. that's barely anything at all. it isn't fair. and he realizes then, that's probably more of why Glaïeul pushes themselves so hard, so relentlessly. what the hell would he himself do if he only had four years to live?]
Makes me wanna help you live in the moment even more. To live this shit life even if things suck. People suck. Everything goddamn sucks sometimes, but it doesn't always have to, you know?
I'm sorry about those shitty things I said to you. I was hurt and I wasn't thinking. I know I already explained how stupidly I run my mouth sometimes, but... I think I get it a little more now.
no subject
[None of that internal rant is really worth addressing. It is an objective fact that Nothing apologized, that Jason said things that were entirely untrue and fabricated outright, and that Jason got angry for no reason. Facts are not playing the victim. Facts are not twisting anything up. Facts are, simply, the facts.
If Nothing is not allowed to be hurt by words that were said, it does not make sense to speculate on someone else being hypothetically hurt by words unsaid. This is irrelevant.
Nothing looks at the hand on its', the human, flesh-colored hand, and recalls being a child, when Crayola had just come out with their box of flesh toned crayons in all those shades of peach and brown and beige. There was no pitch black. That is not the color of human skin. That's the color of rot, of decay. Fitting, then, that the cheapest, sturdiest outfit Nothing could cobble together is all black, since that's what it's doing, each day. Decaying.]
...you can find someone who has longer. Who has as long as you do. I don't - I don't want it to hurt you, when I - when my time runs out.
[When Nothing selfishly leaves Jason with a corpse to bury, when it goes out for patrol and doesn't come back or keels over mid-conversation or - there's no way to die that won't traumatize him. Jason is used to civilian deaths but the death of a friend is inherently traumatize, a damage impossible to mitigate. A good person would stop this before it starts and walk away before the attachment gets deep enough the loss will be devastating.
Four years alone was not easy. Don't play the victim, don't think it was hard, it was doable - but those were not years with many easy times. Another four years sounds like a lot. Maybe some company is worth being hurt. And really, what's a little dehumanization and dissociation, in the grand scheme of things? That's an admission price but the reward is, at least sometimes, being treated like a person. Isn't that worth it?
Jason touches Nothing's hand and acts like the skin under his isn't repulsive, and the temptation to ignore the past and commit itself to a semi-nurturing future is intense. It's not as if things can get much worse.]
I live in the moment. I work. I eat. I try to enjoy things. I'm okay. [It isn't, but that's alright. The important thing is that Jason not get too worried. There's no need to detail the exhaustion this life has often entailed. That wouldn't reverse any of it.
Nothing looks at him, long and hard. It tries to look for some indicator as to if this is pity or genuine. It wants to accept that apology. It does not know if agreeing would anger him again.]
You... you understand what you were saying I said, I never said, right? That was - I don't even know how to describe it. That was impossible to know how to reply to. I get that you were angry, but you weren't angry at anything that I actually said, and that doesn't make sense to me. I don't understand, Jason. I want to. I want to understand what was going on but I just don't. You can't just decide what other people were secretly saying, that's... it's lying. It's just simply lying, and I don't understand why.
[Make this make sense, Nothing thinks. Make the wild accusations of "you implied this" and "you think that ___" make sense. Nothing wants to be walked through the thought process, the fury, the disgust.
Nothing should not have had to admit to being terminal in order for Jason to 'get it'. Making shit up wholesale should not have happened at all in the first place. That can be forgiven, but first, an explanation is needed.]
no subject
[ the facts are that Glaïeul never apologized for the argument, for what was said. they apologized for ignoring Jason afterwards. something they claim Jason was furious over, when he was simply sad and even worried. he wasn't even furious when they had the argument. he was hurt by words that Glaïeul refuses to even acknowledge or think about why they felt that way to Jason. that's a fact.
facts are not playing the victim. facts are not twisting things around. facts are simply facts. exactly that and nothing more. it really is as simple as that.
and even with all of that if Glaïeul didn't understand, or needed some time, Jason would try to get it. ]
Things hurt in life, doesn't mean we gotta stop doing it. Fuck, I'd be...
[dead if that were the case, he almost says, but he doesn't. he doesn't want his own mental health issues to show right then and there. he's fought so hard against wanting to just end it all.]
I don't know if you really do though. Not really, not completely.
[for all his sadness, Jason is full of life. he's bright and bold and ready to get out there and do everything. he craves love and family and things to hold on to. these aren't the things Jason thinks he is, but it's all him. he wants to live in the moment, and if he can help Glaïeul do the same, then it's all the better.
Jason furrows his eyebrows a little. he knows what was said, but it strikes him hard when Glaïeul says he was lying. lying?]
I wasn't angry, I was hurt. I was hurt cause the things I do when I'm out there, they're all important to me. I fight for Gotham, I fight for people. But I also fight hard to keep those dirty fucking cops off the streets and give their asses a good beating and you made it sound like well, you didn't have time for that kinda thing. It's important to me and you made me feel like it wasn't. That's how you made me feel. I really don't get why you're calling me a liar, though. That's... that's really fucked up. I didn't lie to you about anything.
[it's almost obscene how Glaïeul is trying to misconstrue even this!! Jason is growing and learning and understanding and Glaïeul is still faulting Jason, saying they should not have had to admit to being terminal in order for Jason to 'get it'. it's almost unbelievable. but more so it's sad. when will it end? when will Glaïeul relent even a little bit in punishing Jason for a mistake he has now apologized and sat with and apologized again? ]
I know I hurt you and I'm sorry I did. But you hurt me too.
[at least Jason is trying to get it now. Glaïeul hasn't even tried.]