1sts (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
1sts) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
bakerstreet2020-07-31 08:17 am
1sts) wrote in bakerstreet2020-07-31 08:17 am
Entry tags:
01. If you’re not into cosplay you will be after tonight. This naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts.
02. NEVER admit that to an ex! You should have said your morning consisted of you lying sprawled out naked with someone new eating Ben and Jerrys off of you.
03. It will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
04. You're like a Carebear with a big cock and a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
05. [ text her ]
02. NEVER admit that to an ex! You should have said your morning consisted of you lying sprawled out naked with someone new eating Ben and Jerrys off of you.
03. It will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
04. You're like a Carebear with a big cock and a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
05. [ text her ]
I have no words. None. At all. But a lot of gathering questions.
1. I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
2. I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
3. Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
4. he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
5. You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
01. My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
02. Hi. I’m bored. And sort of in a dirty mood.
03. Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
04. I know we’re having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that I’m sexting someone at the same time?
05. [ text her ]
02. Hi. I’m bored. And sort of in a dirty mood.
03. Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
04. I know we’re having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that I’m sexting someone at the same time?
05. [ text her ]
1. I don't know, I think drinking five Four Lokos and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
2. What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
3. Text her!
2. What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
3. Text her!
1. Yeah... So last night I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended someone from a gang of evil imperial muggers. Since I blacked out I'm going to assume it was the latter.
2. Sorry I think I was little too high last night. I was only trying to highlight your face because you're important
3. I'm a good friend because I got you a bagel. I'm a bad friend because I ate half of it.
4. There is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it...
5. text him!
2. Sorry I think I was little too high last night. I was only trying to highlight your face because you're important
3. I'm a good friend because I got you a bagel. I'm a bad friend because I ate half of it.
4. There is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it...
5. text him!
Don't hold it against yourself, Cal. If I was hungry I'd have done the same thing.
Half a bagel's still better than none. You just owe me a visit to the cafe sometime in the future. We have a victory to celebrate.
Half a bagel's still better than none. You just owe me a visit to the cafe sometime in the future. We have a victory to celebrate.
1) I’m not sure why you were surprised I drank so much. It wasn’t nearly as strong as the moonshine back on Tatooine.
2) I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito.
3) I’m a cuddly bitch, deal with it.
4) [ wildcard. ]
2) I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito.
3) I’m a cuddly bitch, deal with it.
4) [ wildcard. ]
Those are reasonable priorities.
1. Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
2. i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso. i can feel colors
3. Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
4. can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
5. Text her!
2. i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso. i can feel colors
3. Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
4. can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
5. Text her!
1. God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
2. Started an orgy at the hotel last night. Got kicked out of the hotel last night because it was in the lobby and every time someone walked by to check-in or out they got pulled in.
3. I'll give you $10 for a dick pic with a gecko on it.
4. This is your reminder to bring the sword in from the backseat of my car. Some thing keeps showing up unannounced and tries to hack the couch in half whenever there's someone on it.
5. I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
2. Started an orgy at the hotel last night. Got kicked out of the hotel last night because it was in the lobby and every time someone walked by to check-in or out they got pulled in.
3. I'll give you $10 for a dick pic with a gecko on it.
4. This is your reminder to bring the sword in from the backseat of my car. Some thing keeps showing up unannounced and tries to hack the couch in half whenever there's someone on it.
5. I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Edited 2020-07-31 15:16 (UTC)
And you're saying no, because?
I mean, if you don't wanna have sex, that's one thing, but I might get sore feelings and have to defend the honor of my grandmother's brownie recipe if it's about that.
I mean, if you don't wanna have sex, that's one thing, but I might get sore feelings and have to defend the honor of my grandmother's brownie recipe if it's about that.
1. She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed.
2. I took a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up, put it in an art gallery for a show coming up AND SOMEBODY BOUGHT IT FOR 30 GRAND!!!
3. Text him!
2. I took a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up, put it in an art gallery for a show coming up AND SOMEBODY BOUGHT IT FOR 30 GRAND!!!
3. Text him!
Jesus Christ Georgie how the hell am I supposed to know how he got in the fridge?! The admiral's a wiley bastard. All I know is, I woke up this morning feeling like I was run over by a car opened the fridge and there he was eating your leftover spam
1. Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
2. i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
3. I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
2. i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
3. I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
1: I mean honestly, what would you have done?
2: Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
3: We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
4: I have a black eye again and dont know why again
5: [Or text him!]
2: Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
3: We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
4: I have a black eye again and dont know why again
5: [Or text him!]
1. I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to Hell.
2. I just watched your stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
3. Text her.
2. I just watched your stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
3. Text her.
1. Get over here and bring your drill! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool.
2. I made that whipped coffee shit today. Took six pouches of instant espresso. I can feel colors.
3. Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
4. God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
5. (or text her!)
2. I made that whipped coffee shit today. Took six pouches of instant espresso. I can feel colors.
3. Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
4. God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
5. (or text her!)
1. Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
2. We're gonna be late. Nic went too far predrinking and tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, I'm going to need it.
3. Text her!
2. We're gonna be late. Nic went too far predrinking and tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, I'm going to need it.
3. Text her!
Yes well.
Doctor Strand apparently has that.
Effect. At least if his last conference at the institute was any indication.
Doctor Strand apparently has that.
Effect. At least if his last conference at the institute was any indication.
1) So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
2) You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
3) It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
4) Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
5) I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex.
6) Wildcard! Text her, assumed cr and cross-canons welcome.
oo1. She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed.
oo2. You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend. Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
oo3. Oh honey. What makes you think I saved your number in the first place?
oo4. Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch?
oo5. [ text her ]
oo2. You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend. Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
oo3. Oh honey. What makes you think I saved your number in the first place?
oo4. Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch?
oo5. [ text her ]
Are you sure it's an 'or' situation? With half the people we know it could be both.
1. come in and take your pants off
2. im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
3. if you like me you must not know who i am
4. i want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. i don't think we have the healthiest of relationships
5. text him!
1: This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find out.
2: I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
3: Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
4: I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
5: [Or text her!]
2: I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
3: Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
4: I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
5: [Or text her!]
That's a thing? Does it only work on boyfriends, or does it work on anyone?
1. So I've narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me.
2. Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
3. He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
4. I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
5. SEND ONE
2. Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
3. He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
4. I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
5. SEND ONE
[Helpfully judging]
Why not both? Order delivery, try to get off while you wait, and if you can't before they knock, invite them in. Everyone has seen that porno
Why not both? Order delivery, try to get off while you wait, and if you can't before they knock, invite them in. Everyone has seen that porno
Edited (i can type,really) 2020-07-31 20:29 (UTC)
- 01. at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
02. There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this
03. you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
04. drunkkkkk be here I heart you
05. i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
06. or text her!
1: Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
2: He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round.
3: If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
4: Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
5: [dealer's choice]
2: He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round.
3: If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
4: Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
5: [dealer's choice]
a. she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of fantastic memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
b. If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. Just remember first to lose their head dies. Except I'm immortal. Good Luck.
c. True friendship; banging a girl and drinking her dry to get ur friends hat back
d. I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
e. Just ate the Panda Express driver. Fortune cookie had no fortune in them. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential and all.
b. If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. Just remember first to lose their head dies. Except I'm immortal. Good Luck.
c. True friendship; banging a girl and drinking her dry to get ur friends hat back
d. I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
e. Just ate the Panda Express driver. Fortune cookie had no fortune in them. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential and all.
Back up. Where does decapitation come into wrestling?
I. Booty calls should never involve the cops.
II. I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex.
III. He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by". I broke most of his.
IV. Could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
V. You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
II. I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex.
III. He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by". I broke most of his.
IV. Could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
V. You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
a. I made that whipped coffee shit today. Took six pouches of instant espresso.
b. Come on in and take your pants off.
c. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
d. I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon. It was in the fridge.
e. Or text her!
b. Come on in and take your pants off.
c. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
d. I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon. It was in the fridge.
e. Or text her!
1: I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
2: THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
3: I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
4: I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
5: [choose your own adventure]
2: THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
3: I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
4: I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
5: [choose your own adventure]
Edited 2020-07-31 15:29 (UTC)
Page 5 of 14