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bakerstreet2020-07-31 08:17 am
1sts) wrote in bakerstreet2020-07-31 08:17 am
Entry tags:
1. The next time I get called "cute" someone is going to die.
2. Where did the wine go?
3. I don't know who sent me that death threat! I make many enemies, I can't be expected to remember them all!
2. Where did the wine go?
3. I don't know who sent me that death threat! I make many enemies, I can't be expected to remember them all!
1. There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
2. its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
3. This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in your car because someone shit on my rainbow
4. I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
2. its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
3. This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in your car because someone shit on my rainbow
4. I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Edited 2020-07-31 14:21 (UTC)
Exactly how much have you had to drink and exactly what were you drinking to get tickling fingers?
1. Manipulating my roommates into hating each other is boring me, I need something else to do.
2. Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus?
3. They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise.
4. There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to.
5. (or text him!)
2. Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus?
3. They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise.
4. There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to.
5. (or text him!)
Klaus Hargreeves | The Umbrella Academy | no s2 spoilers plz
bestfuneralever
2020-07-31 02:22 pm (UTC)(link)
1. He quoted the bible to break up with me
2. It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
3. She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
4. He just broke up w his most recent gf again, should I message her and be like “it's not you he's gay.“?
5. Text him
2. It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
3. She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
4. He just broke up w his most recent gf again, should I message her and be like “it's not you he's gay.“?
5. Text him
Wait wait back up.
You never said anything about a peacock. How the fuck did a peacock get involved?
You never said anything about a peacock. How the fuck did a peacock get involved?
1. I told him to get out and he heard "get out of your clothes." He should be grateful I stabbed him, he was in need of acupuncture.
2. I don't think I've ever tasted more disgusting wine. I'm a little bit impressed.
3. Are you going to need an intervention or an alibi?
2. I don't think I've ever tasted more disgusting wine. I'm a little bit impressed.
3. Are you going to need an intervention or an alibi?
...The second probably.
I'll be there in five minutes.
I'll be there in five minutes.
1. You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
2. I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
3. Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
2. I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
3. Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
A: He literally stared at me for three minutes and then said, "hey this tequila isn't going to drink itself, boss."
B: Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist. Now tell me the truth.
C: Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get started. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
D: You have less than 5 minutes to respond and tell me why you texted me 30 times between 6am and 9am. Respond or I find you. Are you prepared to face your fears?
E: Wildcard
B: Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist. Now tell me the truth.
C: Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get started. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
D: You have less than 5 minutes to respond and tell me why you texted me 30 times between 6am and 9am. Respond or I find you. Are you prepared to face your fears?
E: Wildcard
1. Cancel your plans. someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
2. Come on in and take your pants off
3. She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
4. death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
2. Come on in and take your pants off
3. She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
4. death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
My bet is the latter.
Have you wronged her recently?
Have you wronged her recently?
1. When I found you, you were using a t-shirt for pants.
2. What am I legally allowed to do that is the equivalent of punching them in the face?
3. It's no longer "day drinking" when it's 1700 and you're knocking over fruit displays at the supermarket.
4. I just saw someone driving, drinking a juice box, smoking, and talking on the phone. All at the same time.
5. ( bring your own text )
2. What am I legally allowed to do that is the equivalent of punching them in the face?
3. It's no longer "day drinking" when it's 1700 and you're knocking over fruit displays at the supermarket.
4. I just saw someone driving, drinking a juice box, smoking, and talking on the phone. All at the same time.
5. ( bring your own text )
Usually, one way to destroy someone with words is to come up with a witty and sarcastic comment. While that might work, the effects might not be lasting enough to cause the person distress and the rude tone necessary for the delivery might set the argument as mere banter. My suggestion here is the seemingly counterintuitive backhanded compliment. Take a compliment and use it to wrap an insult in it, they will spend the night awake focusing on the insecurities you picked at.
1. I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices.
2. Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands.
3. How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking? I feel like death.
4. I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
5. I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan. So no I don't remember our conversation.
2. Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands.
3. How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking? I feel like death.
4. I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
5. I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan. So no I don't remember our conversation.
1. I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
2. judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
3. I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
4. Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
5. I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
2. judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
3. I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
4. Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
5. I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
1. I wanna big spoon the shit out of you right now
2. I'm imagining you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, i'm not impressed
3. Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now
4. And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
5. Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this university thing is gonna work out.
2. I'm imagining you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, i'm not impressed
3. Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now
4. And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
5. Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this university thing is gonna work out.
01. Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
02. Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me.
03. How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
04. I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
05. ( text him instead )
02. Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me.
03. How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
04. I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
05. ( text him instead )
1. It seems we must always do something that tests the limits of the body. Perhaps this one will have better than a 50% survival rate.
2. I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being.
3. When have you ever known me to go too far?
4. You asked Lyna how harshly you would be punished for hitting him before doing so. I respect your planning skills.
5. text him!
2. I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being.
3. When have you ever known me to go too far?
4. You asked Lyna how harshly you would be punished for hitting him before doing so. I respect your planning skills.
5. text him!
01. Your girlfriend loves you a lot... she yelled your name last night in bed.
02. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
03. I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again.
04. She’s got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
05. [ text her ]
02. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
03. I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again.
04. She’s got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
05. [ text her ]
[~ooc: less like texting and more like having a mental conversation with an insane demented entity~]
{1} When you and everyone you know is dead, will people still remember you or will you be completely forgotten?
{2} Why should anyone care about you? Why should you care about anyone else?
{3} Is the thing you want to achieve really that hard to achieve or is it that you didn’t try hard to achieve it?
{4} If life’s short, why do you dwell on things that don’t matter?
{5} If you don’t have what you want, what do you have to lose?
{6} What gives you the right to tell anyone else they’re wrong?
{7} {Ask it something, if you dare}
{1} When you and everyone you know is dead, will people still remember you or will you be completely forgotten?
{2} Why should anyone care about you? Why should you care about anyone else?
{3} Is the thing you want to achieve really that hard to achieve or is it that you didn’t try hard to achieve it?
{4} If life’s short, why do you dwell on things that don’t matter?
{5} If you don’t have what you want, what do you have to lose?
{6} What gives you the right to tell anyone else they’re wrong?
{7} {Ask it something, if you dare}
i. i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass embedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick. when i asked what what happened i found out that we were beer bottle SWORD FIGHTING. Why wasn't i sober for this?
ii. well he wouldn't kiss me so i made out with a german chick, took a shot with dude, and i think i sprained my ankle. it was a quiet sunday for me.
iii. they asked me to have sex with them by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
iv. there were staples in my comforter last night. exactly what happened while i was sleeping?
v. you keep asking me questions like i have this magical thing called a memory
vi. text him.
ii. well he wouldn't kiss me so i made out with a german chick, took a shot with dude, and i think i sprained my ankle. it was a quiet sunday for me.
iii. they asked me to have sex with them by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
iv. there were staples in my comforter last night. exactly what happened while i was sleeping?
v. you keep asking me questions like i have this magical thing called a memory
vi. text him.
1 — i badly need a shower. im covered in stuff i shouldnt have slept in
2 — i dont remember where i was but i remember i hated everyone there
3 — roommate's got a guest again. going to sleep in the library with my books to keep my company
4 — i don't know what the bubonic plague feels like but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
5 — text her!
2 — i dont remember where i was but i remember i hated everyone there
3 — roommate's got a guest again. going to sleep in the library with my books to keep my company
4 — i don't know what the bubonic plague feels like but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
5 — text her!
Edited 2020-07-31 14:49 (UTC)
1. Come on in and take your pants off
2. I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
3. What happened to your back?
4. just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
5. I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
6. I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
7. text him
2. I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
3. What happened to your back?
4. just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
5. I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
6. I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
7. text him
1. My last coherent memory is being drunk in the kitchen making mashed potatoes at 2am.
2. Do you consider sexting to be a free service to whateevr government agency is spying on us this week?
3. I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and you shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
4. I looked down and was like "oh no that's blood" then it was like "wait, that's not my blood." then it was like whose blood is this??
5. [or text him. canonmates loved, misfires, cross-canon, and OCs also welcome]
2. Do you consider sexting to be a free service to whateevr government agency is spying on us this week?
3. I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and you shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
4. I looked down and was like "oh no that's blood" then it was like "wait, that's not my blood." then it was like whose blood is this??
5. [or text him. canonmates loved, misfires, cross-canon, and OCs also welcome]
1. We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
2. Please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso.
3. I'm currently watching Hermes eat a bunch of cacti and I still don't know what led to this.
4. It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
5. or text him!
2. Please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso.
3. I'm currently watching Hermes eat a bunch of cacti and I still don't know what led to this.
4. It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
5. or text him!
1) it felt like the spiritual equivalent of a nine iron to the balls
2) i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
3) help me fill in the gaps, did i dare you to choke me?
4) [ wildcard. ]
2) i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
3) help me fill in the gaps, did i dare you to choke me?
4) [ wildcard. ]
Yes. I might have let it slide given your state at the time, but you were being rather sassy about it.
1. Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
2. I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
3. not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
2. I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
3. not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
No one ever really reads those anyway. Pretty sure you're in the clear, pumpkin.
Edited 2020-08-01 03:56 (UTC)
1. I am literally too baked to press the call button.
2. You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
3. Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
4. turns out that the cat the Caleb was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
5. Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
6. BUT WHAT ABOUT THE CHAIR?! IT WAS THE ONLY THING IN THE ROOM THAT WASN'T DESTROYED!! WHY THE CHAIR!!! WHAT MAGIC DOES IT POSSES!
7. He has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed or maybe both. The order does matter.
8. What should I list for life skills?
9. LEEEEEEEEEEX! I don't know where I am or where my shoes are. Someone is screaming outside.
10. Misfire or Text her! Any of the above can be misfires as well.
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