What if we were together? j/k, j/k...unless-

[shonenjump]

"FAKE" FAKE DATING MEME aka 'fake turned real' Whether you're trying to make someone else jealous, trying to save a stranger from a creep on the subway, doing a spy mission, running a con, trying to get your parents off your back about being single at a holiday dinner, or any number of other reasons, fake relationships are a hugely popular trope. From there, the hook that sinks downward is that the best laid plans go awry; what started off as pretend turns all too real. Of course, that'd never happen to you, right? ...rrrrrriiiiight? • Top level your character. Include any details you might think are relevant. • Reply to other people's top levels! • Have fun!

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[inachinashop]

[The Bull doesn't move to put the guy down once they're done, and doesn't move to put his other arm underneath him, either, leaving his free one settled over the guy's shoulders. Yeah he might be showing off a little, making a point of how long he can hold up the guy's whole weight with just one arm, but so what? He can show off if he wants to.]

So. Was that the kind of help you needed? Or should I go back to getting shit off high shelves for you?

[He doesn't move his head back much and his voice is slow, satisfied. That was a good kiss.]

[boon]

[ if the bull wants to show off, fig is in no way complaining. this overt display of strength is a benefit to both their currently non-existent pursuers and for fig, reassuring him he's not only chosen well in terms of protection... but there may also be other advantages in other areas as well.

he's only a little breathless by the time they part, his tanned cheeks flushed, and a lazy little smile that he can't seem to lick off his lips. ]

Is there an option for both? I'd like to choose both.

[inachinashop]

Why is that, have you got something important you'd like me to, uh... reach for?

[Was there a certain tone to those last couple words? Well, yeah. If you use the right tone of voice, you can make an innuendo out of anything.]

[boon]

[ it's a tone fig himself knows well, having adopted it a fair few times in moments just like this... or when he wants to be a dick and tease someone. it prompts a laugh out of fig, light and genuine, and he shifts against the other so he's leaning his chin against his shoulder. ]

With your size? It won't take you much reaching at all.

[ glancing around briefly, fig takes note of how the others around them are regarding them. he doesn't know who this man is, being a foreigner, but he can see that it isn't just his imposing size that's garnering him some respect around here. and now people are looking at fig like he's his — which frankly doesn't bother him as much as it should. already, he feels safer.

and without their other audience in sight, he allows himself to relax a little. ]

I'm Fig, by the way.

[inachinashop]

Oh, hey, I love a guy who's named after food.

[That opens the way for so many puns. He'll keep an eye out for opportunities. Fig didn't seem to like the joking around too much earlier - partly because of the timing, maybe, he might have taken it as a rejection - but whether or not people enjoy hearing them isn't the point of a good pun, anyway. He hitches Fig a little higher up against his chest, sliding his other hand down Fig's shoulders, down his back, and over his ass, finally settling it to support the guy's weight.]

I'm the Iron Bull, and it is really nice to meet you. Do you still want to find that inn, or were you heading somewhere?

[boon]

[ yes yes, get your puns in while you can. fig supposes it's the least he can do, after all this. his own humor is more mischievous than pun-related, but he can appreciate a good joke as much as the next guy. ]

The Iron Bull? [ he's never met a the before. ] That's a bit of a mouthful. Do you have any nicknames? Or should I just call you 'sweetheart'?

[ see? he's hilarious. ]

In any case, trust me - the pleasure of our meeting is all mine. [ he saved his hide after all, even if it might just be temporary. ] Those men seemed pretty resilient, though, so I'm inclined to hide out for a bit... But we're together now, aren't we? [ even if it is just for show. ] Shouldn't I accompany my darling on his... whatever it is he was doing before I bothered him?

[inachinashop]

[Oh, he has all sorts of suggestions for what the cute guy in his arms can call him - but the conversation moves on before he can share them. That's alright. There might still be plenty of time to share that kind of thing later.]

I was doing some shopping.

[He shrugs, the motion making him move Fig around in his arms.]

The guy I'm sharing a room with wanted to bring in a little company for himself, so I thought I would find something to do, give him some privacy. Hey, you said you're a lover, not a fighter, does that mean you know about the kind of thing humans expect to get for like... courting gifts?

[boon]

[ by now fig's sort of gotten pretty cozy getting carried around, one arm slung around the bull's neck while the other reaches over to lightly grasp at his wrist. so when he's jostled, he isn't really bothered. ]

Oh, are you courting someone? [ fig isn't frosty so much as he's disappointed. what a waste of a good kiss! he sniffs. ] I'm a lover, but I'm not necessarily a human either...

[ well. ]

Well not really. [ hashtag it's complicated. ] But I suppose if I had to guess... flowers? Sweets? [ ... ] Good booze?

[inachinashop]

[He laughs.]

Me, courting? Shit, no. It's for one of my men, she's interested in this guy but doesn't know how to approach him and, since I have some time on my hands-

[He gives what he's currently got on his hands a little squeeze, grinning.]

-I thought I might as well help her out. But you don't exactly sound like you know much more about this stuff than I do. I guess you haven't got much experience with human stuff?

[boon]

[ oh. well that made him feel a little better. (and the ass squeeze didn't hurt, either.) ]

Mmm... Do two years count? [ give or take. he imagines he must have had some human interaction in his other life, but he can't say for sure... ]

But if it's a human man she's trying to court, I would definitely go with booze. Hell, it doesn't even have to be good booze. Men are laughably easy... Most of the time, all they need is your interest.

[inachinashop]

[He snorts, amused, and starts walking toward the market. Believe it or not, his arms are going to get tired eventually, and when that time comes maybe if he gives Fig something to look at he'll climb out of the Bull's arms of his own accord without the Bull having to admit to anything.]

[He doesn't ask about the two years thing. He does file it away, though, assuming it dates back to some kind of expulsion from some nonhuman home he might have been living at before. Best not to ask for details about that kind of personal shit unless it becomes relevant.]

Hey, you say that like it's a bad thing. What's wrong with interest?

[boon]

Absolutely nothing. In some cases it's much more sincere than a gift, right?

[ he shrugs. ]

I'm just saying... it doesn't take much for a man to get on board.

[ he gives the other a sweet smile, but his eyes flash genuine curiosity. ]

What about you?

[inachinashop]

What about me? You just said you know all about men.

[He says it teasingly, not because he's playing hard to get - that's not an approach the Bull has a lot of experience with - but because giving people shit is what he does, if he likes them.]

[boon]

[ fig's expression flattens, but again not unkindly. he can handle the fire, after all - it just doesn't mean he has to look happy about it! still, he's quick to smile again, even if it's more wry this time. ]

Don't be so quick to lump yourself in with them. I may not have known you for very long, but you're already a far better man than many I've met.

[ the gamble he'd made in approaching the bull had been a big one, after all. he'd known it would have been just as likely for it to go sour had the bull been less of a good man. ]

[inachinashop]

What, for liking it when a cute guy runs up to me and presses our bodies together, then asks me to play along?

[He gives it a second before continuing, taking that second as a chance to leer a little.]

I mean, I'm not disagreeing with you, but you also kind of need some higher standards.

[boon]

Hmm. Maybe. But I wouldn't be so loud about it since you're clearly benefiting from them, yeah?

[ yeah, because the bull's really the one benefiting from this transaction here. not him. not at all.

in any case, he's taken to leaning against the bull again, preening. ]

You were saying something about me being cute though. Go on.

[inachinashop]

[The Bull snorts, smiling.]

Yeah, I was. Cute little ass, too.

[He shifts around just enough to give said ass an appreciative caress.]

[boon]

[ and if fig minds the familiar touches? he doesn't show it one bit. ]

You can tell just from touch alone? I mean you're not wrong, but you might have to have a closer inspection.

[inachinashop]

Oh yeah, I guess I might have to be pretty thorough huh? Just to put your mind at ease, you know how it is.

[Oh, hey, here's the market. The Bull walks closer to it, wondering vaguely if he's not going to get that shopping done after all, or if Fig will want to keep flirting a little longer while the Bull wanders around. Could go either way.]

[boon]

Aren't you benevolent?

[ fig chuckles in amusement, but there's definitely enough of an open-endedness to his tone that suggests he's more than okay with pursuing it.

but as the market comes up, he wiggles in the bull's arms until he's let down. he still stays close, to be safe, but is eager to look over the merchants' fare. ]

Have you decided what you're getting?

[inachinashop]

[The Bull lets him down, trying to be subtle about stretching his arms out. Small Fig might be, but even a guy like the Bull can't hold every position forever when he's holding up a whole person.]

Not anything to drink - I don't have the budget for the classy stuff. Not jewelry, because men don't usually wear it in this part of the world. Not flowers, because they'll wilt. Practical stuff doesn't count as romantic, does it? would you be wooed by a sturdy pair of shoes?

[boon]

[ fig cants his head to the side, thinking on it. ]

If I walked a lot, I guess?

[ he turns to face the bull, settling his hands on his waist. ]

What's this guy even do? Practical can be romantic, if you make it personalized, I think.

[inachinashop]

Well, he's isn't-

[Before the Bull can explain that he doesn't know much about the guy someone at a nearby stall tries to wave him over, catching his attention.]

What a lovely couple the two of you make! Surely a pair so in love could win this special prize! What a perfect romantic gift it would make for the holiday, am I right my good man?

[Normally the Bull would politely decline, or just outright ignore the guy. But on the off chance whatever the prize is is actually what he's looking for, that would be pretty convenient. He slows, looking to Fig with his eyebrow raised.]

[boon]

[ fig meets the bull's eyes and shrugs, effectively communicating a why not? at this point, they've nothing to lose, and fig is 99.9% certain no vendor would be stupid enough to try and pull a fast one on someone like the bull.

walking over to the merchant, he looks over his booth but doesn't really find anything there that would look like much of a "game." ]

What's the prize?

[ the vendor grins, brandishing a crate holding two large bottles of a deep amber liquid. Only the finest whiskey of the North! Since I'm feeling generous, I'll throw in a two-for-one deal! ]

[inachinashop]

Sounds good. What do you want us to do?

[Well, I'm going to ask you both a few questions, the vendor says, and if you both give me enough of the same answers, you win! It's simple. We'll just tie something over your ears so you can't hear what your better half is saying, and then we'll be good to go.]

Shit, if I knew you wanted to tie one of us up I would have invited you over.

[Yeah, maybe this isn't exactly the time to flirt. But making someone's professional face slip and watching them get flustered is always fun. He looks over at Fig after he says it, partly to include him in the joke and partly to check what he thinks about it. The Bull remembers, belatedly, that not everyone likes threesome jokes.]