bakerstreet | cuddle meme .

[Mayuzumi, ever a perfect contrast to Hayama, finds the tension that wound up in his spine melting away some in the silence, ultimately a comforting one. It isn't being taken as an empty courtesy or an attempt to make nice now that they've ~bonded~ over one trek through the snow, nor is Akashi going to try to characterize him as a tsundere who had said something he didn't mean. Mayuzumi doesn't consider himself complex, but that Akashi is going to think about it by himself is a welcome... not surprise, but it's welcomed. It's not that he expected him to, but it was again due to a lack of expectations. He just hadn't thought of how he would respond. He'd devoted himself to putting it out there for his own reasons and his own sake.

If there is an expectation, it's that Akashi will let him have the silence to think out how to phrase his answer. He takes fork and takes a bite of one of the mochi not necessarily to buy time but because it's there and it doesn't sound bad to eat something if he thinks about it.]

I don't think about you much but I'm aware of you. [He takes another bite and his time in chewing and swallowing it.] But I'm not a diligent enough senpai to urge you to reach your potential.

If you set out to do something I assume it'll happen. But I don't think about what somethings you'll do. [The topic had only come up as a way to fill the silence and let him talk about something most people found easy to talk about: themselves.]

If you end up taking it easy, coasting because you can, it's not like I have any expectations that you'd be betraying to think it's a waste. I'm not your parent or a fan or anything.

[He realizes it's at odds with the confrontation he'd had with Akashi during their final game, but at that time he persists that Akashi was doing so poorly it couldn't even be called coasting. Maybe he's a being contrary. Maybe he had expectations at that time because he would have shared in the victory of his performance then. Mayuzumi never claimed not to be selfish.]

[ There is silence again on Akashi's part. It's not that there's a lot to take in from Mayuzumi's response--sure, but it isn't heavy to digest. It's just that it's one of those few moments when Akashi feels like he has to be careful with his words and his own reactions, whether they be verbal or small tics or the like. Mayuzumi's learned how to be observant after all, given that Akashi made him to become a Shadow.

His breathing is normal as can be in the cold. He isn't shivering anymore, although his index finger on the mochi's plastic moves by a fraction, almost a sign of-- fidgeting? Akashi isn't nervous by any means, but he won't deny that he doesn't care about what Mayuzumi has to say about him.

Mayuzumi isn't a hero - Akashi will even attest to that even though he does look up to Mayuzumi and has grown fond of the guy. What he will say about Mayuzumi though is that the two of them have spent enough time together (as teammates, or partners--that alley-oop was definitely rehearsed many times) for him to know who Akashi is. He wouldn't have asked in that last game they had, otherwise. Unintentional as it must have been, it was Mayuzumi who helped his original self surface and return. Mayuzumi's never treated Akashi special, either. Maybe that's where the attachment he feels comes from. ]

I've learned a lot of things in that last game we had. I suppose I'll just keep it to myself since you might not be interested.

Losing for the first time was difficult. Having to cover for myself and explain myself to someone who does have expectations of me proved to be difficult. While I still intend to play basketball with my friends, I almost lost that too for not being able to deliver.

[ He definitely had to fight his father just so he'd be allowed to continue playing basketball despite the loss. ]

Would it be strange to say that it's a relief that there's someone who doesn't expect anything of me?

[ He lets out a chuckle as he finally opens the pack of mochi. He finds it more comfortable to speak honestly now. ]

[Mutual patience without onlookers or interruptions allows him the freedom from distractions and the ease to observe unhindered, but even so Mayuzumi, while trained by him, is not Akashi. A shifting finger isn't enough for him to read into, even if Akashi is generally someone quite still and without wasted motion in his mind. The most he takes in is that he's stopped shivering, and that he's impeccable well composed even in this situation. Focusing on his wording, he mentally quips that interest or not, they'll have a long span of time if Akashi wants to talk about what he's learned but that internal monologue remains just that, internal. But despite such a cool assessment of him, Mayuzumi doesn't notice the ghost of a smile on his own lips by the end of Akashi's reply.]

Aa. It's strange.

[After all, the alternative is that everybody has expectations of him. No matter how much of a Carlylian Great Man he may have been, the entire world was too much. His own expectations may have been substantial but he could hardly be such a people pleaser. Then again, in the end, even Mayzumi didn't hate him. None of his teammates, present or, as best as he could tell former, hated him.]

So's hearing you talk about losing something like playing basketball "with your friends."

[Akashi can't hear the quotes and he makes no gesture to emphasize them but there they are just the same. That seems to be a new emphasis on a sport he previously didn't believe he played for any reason but to win it. Who it was with, whether it was fun or not, those kinds of things weren't a part of Rakuzan's team spirit.

But even when Akashi was failing, the other three hadn't turned on him. Despite having higher expectations of him and all but worshiping the ground he walked on, fearing him even, the reaction wasn't the same as when Mayuzumi's usefulness had run out. That probably was friendship.]

[ Akashi is a private person by nature. Not because he chooses to seclude himself from others, but because he speaks with filters. Matters relating to his family don't get told unless prompted. Prompted, not pushed, because all one needs to do is ask or lead the conversation to it. He doesn't keep his familial situation a secret. Why would he? It's not something he's ashamed of. In fact, it's something he wants to get away from.

Perhaps another way of looking at it is that Akashi is merely looking for an opening to speak about home. It's not blatant seeking that he does, but when there's an opportunity, he'll take it. Like now. ]

It might be strange for you. I was only allowed to play basketball because my mother asked my father to let me. This was under the condition that I would never lose.

[ It's probably just Reo in Rakuzan who knows this particular story and how it affects Akashi's everyday life. Mayuzumi should at least have a better explanation now as to why Akashi is the way he is.

He waits for a response then, deciding to finally take a bite of the mochi. It's a bit too sweet, he finds. ]

[The smile was faint enough that it might not be noticed when it fades, and it could be attributed to the momentary inspiration for it being brief more than for what the topic was. Mayuzumi's sympathies aren't easily aroused. Or so he likes to think even if all it took was a consistent shiver and a mention of the lack of feeling in Akashi's hands to have him supposing drastic and unpleasant action was called for.]

Which one pressures you more? Your dad's wanting you to win or your wanting to win? Ah. [A third option occurs belatedly.] Or is it your mom's?

[The desire not to disappoint someone who went out on a limb because they believed in you. She had taken up for him. If he comes from such a strict family and is truly a little Bocchama, Mayuzumi can only imagine that the wife beseeching anything of the master of the house must carry as much pressure as anyone on the team might have had asking Akashi for the chance to try something in a match.

As much as he wants to snark mentally at himself that this isn't some light novel or manga or something the fact that Akashi himself could ooze an aura of One Who Was Not Defied made it hard to argue that such situations didn't exist in real life. Now imagining Akashi as subject to that rather than the source, that was an unexpected twist. He'd have seen it coming in fiction, but despite thinking of Akashi as more of a normal boy than perhaps anyone else on the team did it seemed he did hold on to some of the same images of him as above anyone else's rule. What kind of ridiculous way was that to think of a fifteen, just freshly sixteen year old boy?]

[ Akashi's mother only wanted him to be happy, so he never really felt pressured by what she wanted of and from him. Now that she's passed though, basketball has become more important to him because it was a gift from her. Mayuzumi will probably infer from all this that Akashi has the makings of a mama's boy.

He shakes his head in response, drawing his knees closer to him. The kettle should whistle soon, not that Akashi knows, but he'll get up again later once the water is ready. ]

Pressure... [ He can't really say he feels pressure but that's just denial and he is going to unconsciously deny it. ]

It's not that. An Akashi must always be at the top. He doesn't deserve his name otherwise.

[ A beat, and perhaps he should add just so Mayuzumi knows. ]

My mother passed away a few years ago. She's not someone I presently need to please.

[Mayuzumi's inner cynic would love to tear at the first statement and have a nihilistic go at something that demonstrably drives Akashi (apparently any Akashi and not just the Seijuro model in front of him) to be insufferably admirable and heroic, without a doubt a man of better talent and even likely moral fiber than he might be without something to take pride in. Yet it's the second portion that gets an immediate verbal response, without the pause to deliberate or choose their wording that both had been liberally taking to this point.]

Does anyone really stop caring what someone thinks just because they're dead?

[ It really could have been worded more carefully but Akashi accepts the truth. His mother is dead. ]

She never pressured me.

[ Okay, now he's actually admitting to the pressure. This is all Mayuzumi's fault. ]

She just wanted, or I suppose wants, me to be happy.

Huh. So some people do.

[It's not the clearest answer on its own, but if anybody can read through the lines it's Akashi. The pressure he's admitting to in talking about his mother is that applied by his father. The drive to be happy would be stronger than almost any other drive in most people with or without a beloved mother's wishes. Akashi's surpassed that to such a degree that wanting to play basketball for the sake of something as banal as fun and friendship is hard to believe even from his own mouth.

Of course he doesn't think Akashi's stopped caring about his mother. His handling of the topic suggests, yes, Mama's Boy status. But if he implies that Akashi's putting his happiness second is a form of "not caring what someone thinks just because they're dead" he can't help but think he'll get a telling reaction. It's a cruel way to respond to Akashi's openness. He knows that much.]

[ Akashi can't help but let out a chortle as an initial response. He really doesn't want to admit that he does feel pressure when it's something that's been ingrained in his system since he was a child. ]

Not necessarily. [ Denial? ] They're just standards to living. [ Victory, success, getting top grades and being at the top of every ladder.

When the kettle finally sings, Akashi gets on his knees to remove it from the hearth. Then he goes back to the counters and cupboards to where the tea bags are. He's not going to prepare Japanese tea for Mayuzumi because he has no idea how to. There are at least a few boxes of Western tea bags and loose tea that they can consume; Akashi is more than willing go prepare those kinds of tea. ]

Is black tea alright, Mayuzumi-san?

Anything's fine.

[It's a distracted answer as he finds himself not just aware but thinking about Akashi after all. His eyes drift to the yet unused blanket that he can't even blame the situation on. If he doesn't like it, he should just take the kettle's kindness and let the topic go.]

What happens to an Akashi that doesn't deserve his name, anyway?

I would rather not find out.

[ It's English Breakfast that Akashi serves in tea bags. Pouring water in cups soon after placing the bags. It would taste rather flavourless without honey or sugar or milk, so he tries to look for those three in the cupboards and the fridge that currently isn't working.

He brings back everything on a tray, placing it on the floor between them as he sits back down.

Then, softly, he adds: ] Losing once is enough.

[Being served tea by Akashi is nothing short of bizarre. No matter how calm a face he watches with he can't quite think of it as reality, especially not with his hair and clothing still wet, not with the setting dark and undignified while he still carried himself with the usual poise and grace, unflapped by a topic that should be ruffling even his feathers.

Not that he'd go so far as to say he wishes for the other boy's success but he doesn't particularly want to see Akashi lose even just to see what would happen. Nor does he want to see him upset even if that lack of unease doesn't sit right with him. What he wants is to make sense of the Akashi before him who still can't accept loss and the Akashi in the gym who casually spoke of perhaps not making Captain again, of perhaps not being the leader of the student body.

Rich people are from a different world. That's the best conclusion he can come to. Akashi is from so far in the upper class, the Royal class, that even being disinherited or disowned or completely cast out on his own and denied, while struggling with failing to meet his ow standards, is met with such aplomb. Stiff upper lips were a trait of the aristocracy but it wasn't like they didn't have feelings.

After a long look, gray eyes shift to the fire as he brings his own knees up to wrap an arm around and rest his chin on. Somehow it seemed like Akashi had been trying to show something in picking this topic but it couldn't be helped if he'd changed his mind. Mayuzumi wasn't the most delicate with him. It was Akashi's fault if he expected anything of Mayuzumi. So what good was he doing letting himself accept those expectations? What did he expect himself to do? Akashi wasn't some heroine in need of saving anymore than he was a hero who could do that if he did need it.

Pointing out that people liked and cared about him regardless of loss wouldn't serve any purpose. Akashi wasn't stupid enough to need to hear that. Pointing out that he was still the most fit to be captain, that next year Rakuzan's mostly unchanged team would likely be in an even better position to win, that losing probably wasn't something he'd have to face for a very long time if ever again all seemed to miss the point. That's a hell of a speculation to make without knowing the point.

This was why he read Light Novels. Unlike heavier literature with its metaphor and prose and symbolism and enigmatic meanings revealed through structure, light novels moved along without lingering for better or for worse. Akashi was a complexity to observe. That doesn't keep his attention from being more on Akashi than the tea when he turns towards him and the tray to begin adding honey to his tea.]

[ Akashi's plans for the future and what he wants don't necessarily equate to one another. What he wants and what his father wants are two different things. He's totally capable of leading an entire team again and an entire student body, but leading Rakuzan's basketball team again comes with some anxiety.

After all, they all saw him break down that one time. Is he still worth respecting after that? They all saw Akashi at his weakest. Reo, Nebuya, and Hayama may have Akashi's loyalty, but it doesn't mean that the others still respect (fear) him the same way they did his other self.

A few drops of water end up in Akashi's cup of tea as he holds it close to his face. He breathes on it and finds it absolutely relieving that his breath can't be seen anymore. Thank god (and Mayuzumi) for that. ]

What about you, Mayuzumi-san? You'll be entering university... what are your plans?

I'll probably stay local, unless I'm more visible on paper and a prestigious enough place makes an offer I can't refuse.

[There's no talk of "if I can get in" and a prestigious school outside of the Kansai region would have to not just accept him but make a lucrative offer. Even if he isn't at Akashi's level (and who is?), entrance exams aren't a point of stress. Rakuzan isn't a school for slackers and having not made the team until his third year he certainly didn't get in on athletic merits.]

I don't plan on joining a college team. When I thought about the fact that I probably wouldn't play seriously ever again, I ended up in the gym for some reason.

[A snort across the top of his tea and a sweep of his eyes across the room before giving Akashi a bitter-humored smile indicate where that unusual bit of sentimentality landed him.]

[ The answer is more or less what Akashi expects from Mayuzumi, especially the basketball bit. Mayuzumi had quit the club once and didn't even attend the send-off for the seniors after the Winter Cup. Akashi remembers now how Mayuzumi said to never speak to him until he's graduated and he can't help but find that amusing even now. ]

Why did you end up thinking about it? [ He tries to control how his lips curve into a smile, but he can't help it. He finds it funny that Mayuzumi thought about basketball in college. It looks like it's him who's exceeding expectations. ]

Edited 2018-06-20 09:26 (UTC)

[Brow twitch. Mayuzumi can read that smile. Even if Akashi hadn't trained him to he'd be able to read that smile. Just for that there's no way he's giving a serious answer. The truth would make Akashi even more smug and there can only be so much smug in such a small boy before it's irresponsible to let it go any further.]

I was coming to terms with having to give up my dreams of the Harem End through athleticism.

[ Mayuzumi may have picked up some new things thanks to Akashi's guidance. Observing people happens to be one to help with the shadow passes. Akashi's learned what light novels are thanks to Mayuzumi, on the other hand. He's even purchased a copy of A Clockwork Apple and Honey and Little Sister because the novelty of it piqued his curiosity. It doesn't mean he's become an otaku or understands what in the world a "harem end" means, though. He can, however, make some sort of reference to Mayuzumi's otakudom to try and keep whatever air they have in this conversation. ]

I figured that you would be the type to only have one... ah, what was that? "waifu".

... Waifu.

[No, it's not that he said or even used it wrong. Setting aside the fact that he should be insulted, and he will be in a minute, this is right up there with him calling her Ringo-tan. It's going to take him a minute. This is what he gets for trying to mess with Akashi, isn't it?]

I said it right, didn't I?

[ He finally adds a bit of honey into his tea before he drinks. That feels good and even his insides feel warm now. Except he's more confused. He was sure he used the term 'waifu' right. ]

.... Yeah.

[That's the problem.]

You did.

Good.... job.

[It's not even sarcastic praise so much as it is still utterly blaffled.

Back on track. Though he still looks perplexed.]

I'm not that deep into the subculture, for the record. [This statement is a lie. He just has the social capacity to know that a man must hide his power level.]

But you're not wrong, especially now. The lenses have cracked on any rose colored glasses I might've had about harems after being on that team. That's why my thoughts ended up on basketball. [Less of, but still a lie.]

[ Akashi can't help but laugh a little. He doesn't get it. He also doesn't understand what "subculture" in this context means, but whatever. He doubts he'll ever understand unless he submerges himself further, but he's fine with limiting himself to reading a light novel from time to time just because it's a different kind of literature from what he's used to. ]

What exactly do harems have to do with the team? Did you imagine the starters as members of yours?

[ Okay, now he's actually joking. Akashi doesn't always display his sense of humour because he barely has it, but whenever he does, it's always him being a tease. ]

[Akashi jokes but...]

That's right.

[This one's not a lie. His unusually expressive face and tone as he turns towards the fire makes it clear that it was not an enjoyable experience even just imagining it.]

The harem's almost always an unwanted one full of moeblob freaks that any normal person would get fed up with within seconds in real life. To think I'd learn to sympathize with bland light novel main characters more deeply through basketball...

Then perhaps I should be glad that we came across each other at the gym today.

[ He's told Reo about his worries already and Reo's done the same. Akashi feels bad for Reo because he still regrets that foul he made. On the other hand, Akashi feels bad because he could have been a better leader and treated his teammates better. Just because he's returned and is the original Seijuro Akashi doesn't mean that all that he's done in the past becomes forgotten. Of course he still has burdens to bear and mistakes to shoulder.

He could have said this at the rooftop but he didn't. ]

I owe you an apology for treating you the way I did.

[ He only glances at Mayuzumi for a split second, opting to stare at the fire again. Akashi is one to not feel awkward. He's only doing it for Mayuzumi's sake because he feels that the older boy between the two of them wouldn't want to look into Akashi's eyes, anyway. ]

[A carefully, deliberately neutral expression washes over the dour pout, resisting the urge to furrow his brows, to let his shoulders tense. Despite himself, Mayuzumi's hands curl into his pants. The topic had shifted heavy again, from talk of harem ends.

Maybe letting Akashi get smug wouldn't have been the worst choice. Already prone to a quiet voice by default, the reply is even lower of a whisper.]

Stop it. What're you expecting to come out of an apology?

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