bakerstreet | cuddle meme .

[ Akashi's mother only wanted him to be happy, so he never really felt pressured by what she wanted of and from him. Now that she's passed though, basketball has become more important to him because it was a gift from her. Mayuzumi will probably infer from all this that Akashi has the makings of a mama's boy.

He shakes his head in response, drawing his knees closer to him. The kettle should whistle soon, not that Akashi knows, but he'll get up again later once the water is ready. ]

Pressure... [ He can't really say he feels pressure but that's just denial and he is going to unconsciously deny it. ]

It's not that. An Akashi must always be at the top. He doesn't deserve his name otherwise.

[ A beat, and perhaps he should add just so Mayuzumi knows. ]

My mother passed away a few years ago. She's not someone I presently need to please.

[Mayuzumi's inner cynic would love to tear at the first statement and have a nihilistic go at something that demonstrably drives Akashi (apparently any Akashi and not just the Seijuro model in front of him) to be insufferably admirable and heroic, without a doubt a man of better talent and even likely moral fiber than he might be without something to take pride in. Yet it's the second portion that gets an immediate verbal response, without the pause to deliberate or choose their wording that both had been liberally taking to this point.]

Does anyone really stop caring what someone thinks just because they're dead?

[ It really could have been worded more carefully but Akashi accepts the truth. His mother is dead. ]

She never pressured me.

[ Okay, now he's actually admitting to the pressure. This is all Mayuzumi's fault. ]

She just wanted, or I suppose wants, me to be happy.

Huh. So some people do.

[It's not the clearest answer on its own, but if anybody can read through the lines it's Akashi. The pressure he's admitting to in talking about his mother is that applied by his father. The drive to be happy would be stronger than almost any other drive in most people with or without a beloved mother's wishes. Akashi's surpassed that to such a degree that wanting to play basketball for the sake of something as banal as fun and friendship is hard to believe even from his own mouth.

Of course he doesn't think Akashi's stopped caring about his mother. His handling of the topic suggests, yes, Mama's Boy status. But if he implies that Akashi's putting his happiness second is a form of "not caring what someone thinks just because they're dead" he can't help but think he'll get a telling reaction. It's a cruel way to respond to Akashi's openness. He knows that much.]

[ Akashi can't help but let out a chortle as an initial response. He really doesn't want to admit that he does feel pressure when it's something that's been ingrained in his system since he was a child. ]

Not necessarily. [ Denial? ] They're just standards to living. [ Victory, success, getting top grades and being at the top of every ladder.

When the kettle finally sings, Akashi gets on his knees to remove it from the hearth. Then he goes back to the counters and cupboards to where the tea bags are. He's not going to prepare Japanese tea for Mayuzumi because he has no idea how to. There are at least a few boxes of Western tea bags and loose tea that they can consume; Akashi is more than willing go prepare those kinds of tea. ]

Is black tea alright, Mayuzumi-san?

Anything's fine.

[It's a distracted answer as he finds himself not just aware but thinking about Akashi after all. His eyes drift to the yet unused blanket that he can't even blame the situation on. If he doesn't like it, he should just take the kettle's kindness and let the topic go.]

What happens to an Akashi that doesn't deserve his name, anyway?

I would rather not find out.

[ It's English Breakfast that Akashi serves in tea bags. Pouring water in cups soon after placing the bags. It would taste rather flavourless without honey or sugar or milk, so he tries to look for those three in the cupboards and the fridge that currently isn't working.

He brings back everything on a tray, placing it on the floor between them as he sits back down.

Then, softly, he adds: ] Losing once is enough.

[Being served tea by Akashi is nothing short of bizarre. No matter how calm a face he watches with he can't quite think of it as reality, especially not with his hair and clothing still wet, not with the setting dark and undignified while he still carried himself with the usual poise and grace, unflapped by a topic that should be ruffling even his feathers.

Not that he'd go so far as to say he wishes for the other boy's success but he doesn't particularly want to see Akashi lose even just to see what would happen. Nor does he want to see him upset even if that lack of unease doesn't sit right with him. What he wants is to make sense of the Akashi before him who still can't accept loss and the Akashi in the gym who casually spoke of perhaps not making Captain again, of perhaps not being the leader of the student body.

Rich people are from a different world. That's the best conclusion he can come to. Akashi is from so far in the upper class, the Royal class, that even being disinherited or disowned or completely cast out on his own and denied, while struggling with failing to meet his ow standards, is met with such aplomb. Stiff upper lips were a trait of the aristocracy but it wasn't like they didn't have feelings.

After a long look, gray eyes shift to the fire as he brings his own knees up to wrap an arm around and rest his chin on. Somehow it seemed like Akashi had been trying to show something in picking this topic but it couldn't be helped if he'd changed his mind. Mayuzumi wasn't the most delicate with him. It was Akashi's fault if he expected anything of Mayuzumi. So what good was he doing letting himself accept those expectations? What did he expect himself to do? Akashi wasn't some heroine in need of saving anymore than he was a hero who could do that if he did need it.

Pointing out that people liked and cared about him regardless of loss wouldn't serve any purpose. Akashi wasn't stupid enough to need to hear that. Pointing out that he was still the most fit to be captain, that next year Rakuzan's mostly unchanged team would likely be in an even better position to win, that losing probably wasn't something he'd have to face for a very long time if ever again all seemed to miss the point. That's a hell of a speculation to make without knowing the point.

This was why he read Light Novels. Unlike heavier literature with its metaphor and prose and symbolism and enigmatic meanings revealed through structure, light novels moved along without lingering for better or for worse. Akashi was a complexity to observe. That doesn't keep his attention from being more on Akashi than the tea when he turns towards him and the tray to begin adding honey to his tea.]

[ Akashi's plans for the future and what he wants don't necessarily equate to one another. What he wants and what his father wants are two different things. He's totally capable of leading an entire team again and an entire student body, but leading Rakuzan's basketball team again comes with some anxiety.

After all, they all saw him break down that one time. Is he still worth respecting after that? They all saw Akashi at his weakest. Reo, Nebuya, and Hayama may have Akashi's loyalty, but it doesn't mean that the others still respect (fear) him the same way they did his other self.

A few drops of water end up in Akashi's cup of tea as he holds it close to his face. He breathes on it and finds it absolutely relieving that his breath can't be seen anymore. Thank god (and Mayuzumi) for that. ]

What about you, Mayuzumi-san? You'll be entering university... what are your plans?

I'll probably stay local, unless I'm more visible on paper and a prestigious enough place makes an offer I can't refuse.

[There's no talk of "if I can get in" and a prestigious school outside of the Kansai region would have to not just accept him but make a lucrative offer. Even if he isn't at Akashi's level (and who is?), entrance exams aren't a point of stress. Rakuzan isn't a school for slackers and having not made the team until his third year he certainly didn't get in on athletic merits.]

I don't plan on joining a college team. When I thought about the fact that I probably wouldn't play seriously ever again, I ended up in the gym for some reason.

[A snort across the top of his tea and a sweep of his eyes across the room before giving Akashi a bitter-humored smile indicate where that unusual bit of sentimentality landed him.]

[ The answer is more or less what Akashi expects from Mayuzumi, especially the basketball bit. Mayuzumi had quit the club once and didn't even attend the send-off for the seniors after the Winter Cup. Akashi remembers now how Mayuzumi said to never speak to him until he's graduated and he can't help but find that amusing even now. ]

Why did you end up thinking about it? [ He tries to control how his lips curve into a smile, but he can't help it. He finds it funny that Mayuzumi thought about basketball in college. It looks like it's him who's exceeding expectations. ]

Edited 2018-06-20 09:26 (UTC)

[Brow twitch. Mayuzumi can read that smile. Even if Akashi hadn't trained him to he'd be able to read that smile. Just for that there's no way he's giving a serious answer. The truth would make Akashi even more smug and there can only be so much smug in such a small boy before it's irresponsible to let it go any further.]

I was coming to terms with having to give up my dreams of the Harem End through athleticism.

[ Mayuzumi may have picked up some new things thanks to Akashi's guidance. Observing people happens to be one to help with the shadow passes. Akashi's learned what light novels are thanks to Mayuzumi, on the other hand. He's even purchased a copy of A Clockwork Apple and Honey and Little Sister because the novelty of it piqued his curiosity. It doesn't mean he's become an otaku or understands what in the world a "harem end" means, though. He can, however, make some sort of reference to Mayuzumi's otakudom to try and keep whatever air they have in this conversation. ]

I figured that you would be the type to only have one... ah, what was that? "waifu".

... Waifu.

[No, it's not that he said or even used it wrong. Setting aside the fact that he should be insulted, and he will be in a minute, this is right up there with him calling her Ringo-tan. It's going to take him a minute. This is what he gets for trying to mess with Akashi, isn't it?]

I said it right, didn't I?

[ He finally adds a bit of honey into his tea before he drinks. That feels good and even his insides feel warm now. Except he's more confused. He was sure he used the term 'waifu' right. ]

.... Yeah.

[That's the problem.]

You did.

Good.... job.

[It's not even sarcastic praise so much as it is still utterly blaffled.

Back on track. Though he still looks perplexed.]

I'm not that deep into the subculture, for the record. [This statement is a lie. He just has the social capacity to know that a man must hide his power level.]

But you're not wrong, especially now. The lenses have cracked on any rose colored glasses I might've had about harems after being on that team. That's why my thoughts ended up on basketball. [Less of, but still a lie.]

[ Akashi can't help but laugh a little. He doesn't get it. He also doesn't understand what "subculture" in this context means, but whatever. He doubts he'll ever understand unless he submerges himself further, but he's fine with limiting himself to reading a light novel from time to time just because it's a different kind of literature from what he's used to. ]

What exactly do harems have to do with the team? Did you imagine the starters as members of yours?

[ Okay, now he's actually joking. Akashi doesn't always display his sense of humour because he barely has it, but whenever he does, it's always him being a tease. ]

[Akashi jokes but...]

That's right.

[This one's not a lie. His unusually expressive face and tone as he turns towards the fire makes it clear that it was not an enjoyable experience even just imagining it.]

The harem's almost always an unwanted one full of moeblob freaks that any normal person would get fed up with within seconds in real life. To think I'd learn to sympathize with bland light novel main characters more deeply through basketball...

Then perhaps I should be glad that we came across each other at the gym today.

[ He's told Reo about his worries already and Reo's done the same. Akashi feels bad for Reo because he still regrets that foul he made. On the other hand, Akashi feels bad because he could have been a better leader and treated his teammates better. Just because he's returned and is the original Seijuro Akashi doesn't mean that all that he's done in the past becomes forgotten. Of course he still has burdens to bear and mistakes to shoulder.

He could have said this at the rooftop but he didn't. ]

I owe you an apology for treating you the way I did.

[ He only glances at Mayuzumi for a split second, opting to stare at the fire again. Akashi is one to not feel awkward. He's only doing it for Mayuzumi's sake because he feels that the older boy between the two of them wouldn't want to look into Akashi's eyes, anyway. ]

[A carefully, deliberately neutral expression washes over the dour pout, resisting the urge to furrow his brows, to let his shoulders tense. Despite himself, Mayuzumi's hands curl into his pants. The topic had shifted heavy again, from talk of harem ends.

Maybe letting Akashi get smug wouldn't have been the worst choice. Already prone to a quiet voice by default, the reply is even lower of a whisper.]

Stop it. What're you expecting to come out of an apology?

[ Akashi shakes his head as an initial response. He doesn't take his tea even though he holds it close to his mouth, finding himself in a rather awkward situation. It's fine if Mayuzumi doesn't accept the apology--they're still talking now. It's just that he should have done so days ago. It was only the right thing to do. ]

I'm not sure. I just know I owe you one. [ A beat. ] Do you not seem to think so?

[At least when he was owed an apology he had the right to be mad. Now that he has it, it's his to take or leave, it requires him to think about what he's forgiving or not forgiving. These kinds of things are easier to just roll up into a general frustration with Akashi and his perfectionism.]

This's why it's better if we didn't talk anymore after that...

[What would he have rather have been done? Of course being subbed out would have been preferable; it had been what he wanted, but in the end all of it was being thrown away once made useless. That was what a team was, though; substitutions weren't personal offenses, they were strategic moves. If it was a matter of getting attention, the one who was trained as a shadow to avoid attention was the best to know how to play into that strategy.

It wasn't any different than the rest of the regulars; they played nice while he was useful and as annoying as it was none of them owed him anything more than that. He wasn't their friend and he wasn't Akashi's friend, they didn't have anything in common outside of basketball, and basketball was a game with a goal.

It's not something he wants to forgive. It's not something he wants to think about why he's angry over it. If he's angry at Akashi after an apology, Akashi's done all he can do and can go on with his life. If Mayuzumi forgives him for being so Akashi, what's left if not the faint resentment muddied by an unwanted understanding, possibly even appreciation, of what makes him tick?]

What would you've rather done?

[ That's a good question. This Akashi merely watched-- gave full authority to his other self--that he doesn't know how to answer it yet. It's why he replays parts of the game in his head, and his other self briefly questions why he's doing this when an apology is way too late at this point in time already.

He doesn't want to say "I don't know", though. That would bear nothing but even more... resentment? from the upperclassman. ]

Anything would have been better than that.

[ Akashi isn't frantically rummaging through answers here, but it's what comes out. ]

I should have been able to craft another strategy, but I didn't. [ He's referring to both of his personalities at this point. He's not going to blame it on just one half. ]

[With a sigh heavy enough to practically be visible even with the more moderate temperatures in the room Mayuzumi gives a withering glare over at the boy, with the thought that cuddling up together physically for some ridiculous but practical reason was less uncomfortable than this.]

That's not an apology, it's a condolence. It wasn't a strategy you made up in a pinch. You'd had it in mind as a possibility from before the game started.

[It's a guess based on how quickly the strategy had been turned to, how impossibly easy it was for him to order it while it was that difficult for Mayuzumi to accept it.]

Since it's you, it was probably the best strategy that anyone could've used at that time. If it was the difference between winning or losing you'd do it again. It's just who you are.

[ Akashi can't help but place the cup back on the tray. He turns and moves over to where the blankets are, finally unfolding one so he can use it. Back turned on the hearth (and Mayuzumi), he slowly slips his legs under the kotatsu despite it not being turned on. He just wants to sit this way. This is a lot better than letting himself get hurt by Mayuzumi's words.

He'd argue that that isn't true. He wouldn't do something like that--embarrass a teammate for all to see--but he feels that arguing is moot when he should be apologising and not getting people angry even more. ]

If that's what you think, Mayuzumi-san.

[ Akashi isn't one to resign, but right now, he should. This is why his personalities split in the first place. People are going to leave him. People refuse to listen. He's just alone. ]

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