bakerstreet | I'll keep you my secret

I'll keep you my secret

SECRET relationship;

The fact that you're in a relationship with this person isn't public knowledge. Actually, no one knows about it except for the people involved. Maybe you guys are just private like that; on the other hand, it may be a necessity to keep things a secret from others. Maybe you're both team mates, and others on the team would give you grief, or you're not suppose to be dating, or you're not the type to usually date and you're only testing the waters. Perhaps it's the combination of you two, possibly an odd couple, that would bring some controversy or some teasing. Or, you know, you could not want to deal with friends and relatives being busybodies. Your reasons are your own.

Are you content with stealing moments to be together as a couple? Do you want to make your relationship known and the fact that you can't drives you batty? Remember, there are lots of benefits to dating in secret. You can be yourselves completely, away from prying eyes, and get to know each other better as potential longterm romantic partners. In a way, it's ideal.

...still, do you ever wish you could scream from the rooftops how much you care for your significant other?

how to play.

★ Comment with your character, preferences, and information.
★ Reply to others.
★ Play out stolen moments (◡‿◡✿), secret dates (◕‿◕✿), secret handholding (⊙‿⊙✿), and secret kissing ( /)w(\✿)!

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It was less an order, and more a suggestion, but it was one that Jyn had the feeling that Cassian wouldn't mind fulfilling. Of course she knew the effect that using his title would have - just because he never said how much he liked it didn't mean that it didn't show in his expression. And Jyn has learned that she liked to tease.

For a moment, just one moment, Jyn's smile faded. She would never forget watching Cassian fall, and the helplessness that came when she'd had to leave him there, thought him dead, couldn't even attempt to save him. But he'd come right back from the brink of death and saved her life again, and what had she done to properly thank him? She'd certainly stayed with him through a long recovery in medbays on Yavin and Hoth both. She'd tried to encourage him when he was at his lowest. And even though he bristled when she offered her assistance when the pain was too much, she persisted and wouldn't stop persisting because really, everybody needed help every now and again.

Even stubborn spies.

It wasn't pity that fueled her actions, it was another emotion entirely, something deep-seated and all-encompassing that she hadn't yet put into words, and didn't know how to, but was very real all the same. Jyn almost offered her assistance then, but he caught himself, began the process of undressing, and she decided it was her turn to follow. She toed her boots off, but left thick, heavy socks on, just so that she didn't freeze her toes before getting into bed. "Don't want that, now do we?"

Her fingers were a bit cold, but she was eager to be rid of her layers and with him, so there was no hesitation in removing heavy jacket, and thick sweater, and long-sleeved shirt she had on underneath all of that. Immediately, Jyn was freezing, but she knew she wouldn't stay that way for long. "You know, the best way to keep that from happening - "

She began, hurrying to join him in bed, working at the fastenings of her pants, cheeks flushed and pink, and not entirely all from the cold. " - is body heat. I'd prefer keeping you with me for a long time to come, you know."

Cassian grinned, wetting his lips with a quick flick of his tongue. He could die a happy man in Jyn Erso’s bed, but not that night. His eyes greedily watched her strip for a moment before he leaned down to unlace his boots and pull them off. By the time he looked up, she was already half-naked and was fumbling with her pants.

As she moved closer, Cassian’s fingers joined hers in helping her get her pants off. But his mouth had a mind of its own, and his lips placed a trail of sloppy kisses across her stomach. He’d mapped Jyn’s body with his mouth countless times, but he never tired of it. From the first time they’d fallen in bed together, he’d made sure to commit her body to his memory. If he managed to make it to old age, Cassian swore he would remember every inch of Jyn’s body.

“Well, I don’t plan on going anywhere.” Cassian finally looked up to meet her eyes, sly grin still on his face. “You have me for as long as you want me.” His teeth began to chatter again, though he imagined Jyn had to be even colder. He still had his pants on at least. “Tell me what you want, Jyn…”

Hopefully, not that night. Hopefully, not for a great many nights to come. Hopefully, not until they were both old, and content with the lives that they'd lived, warm in their bed. And hopefully, she would follow soon after. Ever since the beach on Scarif, Jyn had known that she didn't want to go a day without Cassian by her side.

At the moment, she only wished that it was warm enough so that she could slow down, really give him a much better show than how hasty she was to get undressed, get into the bunk, and pull the covers up and over them. The good thing was, despite her haste, he still looked like he enjoyed what little she was able to offer in the way of clumsy seduction.

She breathed out a thankful noise once his much more nimble fingers joined hers, helping push her pants over her hips, down her thighs, past her knees, until they were pooled at her feet, and she was shivering, partly because the little room was frigid, but also partly because of his lips and the trail they took across her stomach. Just as he'd never get tired of exploring her this way, she'd never get tired of being touched and kissed and memorized. And, when given her opportunity, she'd never tire of doing the same for him. After all, she wanted to know him as well as she did herself, in every way possible.

She sighed hotly, threading her fingers gently through his hair, returning the smile that he offered her, even though her eyes were already dark with her want. She had to bite her bottom lip gently in order to keep something stupid from spilling forth from them entirely. "Yeah?" she asked instead. "Promise?"

Logically, Jyn knew that nothing was promised to them, but just hearing it would make her feel better nonetheless, more positive about what the future might hold for them. "I want you", she murmured, only breaking away long enough to slide in beside him, to use her stiff fingers to work at his pants then. "First, I want you underneath this blanket with me, then I think I want you to use that lovely mouth to taste me, and then I want - ", her voice lowered then, tinged with her growing desire, "I think I might want you to fuck me. That good?"

Cassian had always been a man of control. Even as a teenager, he’d remained intensely focused on his training and never got distracted from his missions. The closest thing to a friend he had was Kaytoo, an Imperial droid he’d personally formatted and reprogrammed. But Jyn… Jyn made him feel so out of control. Even Kaytoo had mentioned to him, briefly, that Jyn Erso was causing him to lose his edge. Kaytoo would certainly disapprove of what was happening between them.

It wasn’t just that she was beautiful; after all, Cassian had seduced beautiful woman before and still maintained control the entire time. Jyn had found a way to crawl under his skin – he had no way to explain how it had happened. All he knew was that his chest ached at the sight of her, that he longed for touch nearly every moment he was outside of those durasteel doors. He could almost hear Kaytoo’s voice in the back of his mind, telling him the odds were that this attraction was related to a shared near-death experience. Seventy-three point six percent.

“That sounds so fucking good,” Cassian said breathlessly, his cock already half-hard just from the suggestion. Fuck the odds. He lifted his hips carefully so the two of them could hurriedly finish getting him undressed. As soon as his pants were off, his mouth found Jyn’s in a more rushed, hurried kiss.

Ever so happy to be obliging, Cassian’s hand slid between Jyn’s thighs, fingertips slowly teasing a trail right to her center. His mouth got to work, attaching to her neck next as his fingers finally found their target. He rubbed slow, small circles against her clit as his teeth nipped at the sensitive skin on her neck. “I want to hear you, Jyn… I want the whole damn base to hear you.”

Well, perhaps not really. Cassian was a man drunk off lust.

That was also where they differed. Jyn had never been a paragon of patience, and even now, still tended to act without thinking first, which she knew frustrated him to no end. But in this, she could take a breath, steady her nerves, and attempt to draw out their mutual pleasure for as long as possible before she snapped. She never actually lasted as long as she would like, but she was learning.

Jyn would like to think that Kay would approve of their growing relationship, but at the same time, she knew that she would have had to work hard to prove that she had Cassian's best interests in mind, that she wasn't interested in loving and leaving, that whatever this was, it was for the long haul, no matter what came their way. Even now, she was adamant about proving as much. However nerve-wracking the prospect, she couldn't imagine living a life without him by her side. It hurt to think otherwise.

Just because it started with a shared near-death experience didn't mean that what they felt wasn't real.

She breathed out a sharp, harsh little breath, careful even as they tried to hurry the undressing along. Now was not the time to hurt his leg, no matter how inadvertently. But once they were free of what little clothing remained between them, they were free to come together in a heated kiss, to touch and tease and explore each other for the hundredth time, to come together in the best way that they knew how.

Her legs parted easily, offering him all the access he could ever want when it came to touching her, to readying her for what was to come, and she moaned wantonly underneath the sweet onslaught of fingers and mouth all at once, her own trailing a path from his shoulders down his chest, down down until she was able to close slim, calloused fingers around his cock, adamant upon pleasing him, too, making Cassian make noise for her, just as he was adamant upon pulling from her.

She shuddered, laughing, her voice deep and dark with her ever-growing desire, rocking her hips against his fingers restlessly, forever craving more. "No, you don't. You want me all to yourself, don't you? You don't want anyone to know what we do behind closed doors, to be jealous of us, how we make each other feel.

I'm your little secret, aren't I?"

They were a tangle of limbs, hands and mouths desperately seeking contact. The chill had left Cassian’s body – now, he could feel a burn from the top of his head to his toes. There was a white-hot sear in the pit of his belly as Jyn started to stroke his cock. Cassian let go of control and moaned her name, his voice deep and low.

Cassian was sure that Jyn’s mouth was going to kill him one day. “…you want me all to yourself, don’t you?” she’d asked, and Force it was true. He hated the simmering anger he felt when a young recruit gave Jyn an up and down look, as if she was free. “I’m your little secret, aren’t I?” she’d asked, and Force, that was true too. There was something he did love about their illicit rendezvouses. General Draven would disapprove, Cassian thought, if he knew, but that only made it all the more exciting.

Since when had he become such a bad soldier? Since Scarif, he figured. Since Jyn.

Jyn’s legs parted easily for him and Cassian rewarded her by sliding further down the bed, settling his head between her legs. He pressed a kiss to her inner thigh, his dark eyes cutting up to read her expression. A smirk played on his lips as he carefully nipped the sensitive skin, teasing her. She’d said she wanted his mouth on her and Cassian would never refuse Jyn anything, but no one said he couldn’t have his fun first.

Finally, he dipped his head, his tongue taking over the work his fingers had been doing. He teased her clit with slow, languid circles as his hand traveled up to her chest. His fingers teased her nipple, pinching and tugging in time with the strokes of his tongue.

Jyn loved every second. She loved the way they've settled into naturally gravitating toward each other, and she loved every kiss and every touch they shared, and sometimes she even loved the way she craved those things from him, and more, but couldn't indulge anywhere other than behind this closed door. And stars, how she loved the way that he reacted to her, so fully and with abandon, and she would say that she was addicted to the way that he made her feel ... except she knew, deep down, that it was so much more than that.

How she ached to tell him so.

Cassian wasn't a bad soldier in the slightest - he'd just found out that there were other things to live for. Just as Jyn had - and there was no way that she was ever going to give this up. Or Cassian himself. Even if they were only together in the privacy of her quarters, she'd never take any moment for granted, no matter how small.

She could admit to moments of jealousy, too, although it took a brave person, indeed, to try to get close to her Captain. And although Jyn had never much been a paragon of patience or thinking before acting, thus far she'd managed to keep from publicly staking a claim ... barely. But, oh, how she wanted everyone to know that they were together in every way that people could be together.

Cassian could ask most anything from Jyn, and she wouldn't hesitate in acquiescing. Good thing this was for the best reasons she could think of, and she sighed sharply in the moment that he pressed that kiss to her inner thigh. It didn't start quivering, though, until he nipped at her, all sharp teeth, even in his teasing. She hissed out something - a breath that could've been the hint of some word, darkly dirty and encouraging all at once. As impatient as she was, she still loved the way he initially took his time with her, the way he had his fun, too.

There was no holding back the shudder that wracked her body from head to foot and the low moan that escaped her lips under the ministration of fingers and tongue all at once. And although it took everything she had to keep her eyes open in order to meet his, to watch as closely as possible, she managed. And even if she couldn't express it in words quite yet, she thought the way that she carded her fingers through his hair, gently tugging, was all the encouragement he'd need to just keep going.

Cassian shivered under Jyn’s touch – his hair was a weak spot of his, they’d found out. Not even Cassian had known that about himself. One night of exploration, a simple thread of Jyn’s fingers through his hair had turned him into putty in her hands. He’d never had anyone touch him in such a tender, intimate way before Jyn – maybe his family, a long time ago, but Cassian couldn’t even remember his mother’s face, let alone anything that happened before the ‘troopers came.

Cassian could feel his skin flushing, could feel goosebumps rising as Jyn let out a low moan. Her sighs of encouragement had become music to his ears. His eyes glanced up, meeting hers for a fleeting moment, and, Force, he could feel his lips spreading into a wide, genuine smile. She could make him smile, could pull out the small bits of warmth and happiness that had lain dormant inside of him for twenty years.

His hand slid down her body once more, slowly, taking its time in feeling every curve, every scar. Carefully he lifted her hips slightly, pulling her closer as his tongue continued its ministrations. Tentatively, his finger circled her entrance, slowly pushing in and curling. He wanted to draw those beautiful sounds from her again.

“I want to hear you,” Cassian murmured, lifting his head for only a brief moment, his accent thicker than usual. His tongue went back to work on her clit, swirling enthusiastically. He let out a low moan of his own and shifted slightly to try to ease the pressure on his aching groin.

It had been as much a surprise for Jyn as it had for Cassian, but it's become one of her favorite activities to indulge in, even when they were doing little more than trying to find some sense of rest and relaxation together in a bunk that was verging on being too small for the both of them at the same time. Jyn could be careful and gentle and sweet and lull him into as much peacefulness as he would allow ... and she could tug sharply and scratch her nails against his sensitive scalp in order to urge him on all the further, or to render him completely at her mercy, and at time, she did that, too.

There was so much to learn, after all, when it came to intimacy, to being fully open and honest, just being with another person, and truthfully? She couldn't imagine sharing any of this with anyone else.

She never could have known how the way that he responded to her could be so pleasurable, but there was something so satisfying in the noises that Cassian made for her, too, every emotion that flickered across his face, oh, and his eyes, she could read so much within their depths when he allowed her, and now was no exception, he was so clearly pleased with her reactions ... even if she was holding back a bit. When he smiled like that, though, all she wanted was to give him everything he wanted out of her and ore. Anything to be privy to that smile and more like them every day for the rest of her life.

It scared her - to want something that badly, and yet, she still held out that hope. One day, an end to the fighting and the beginning of something new entirely, a happiness that neither one of them had really ever known. And that hope was worth fighting for.

Jyn shivered under the slow, tender ministrations of Cassian's hands, the way that he explored every inch of her, never seeming to tire of committing her to memory, quivering gently by the time he lifted her hips and shifted her all the closer still, unable to keep from taking a softly stuttered breath as he pushed one long finger into her, grateful that she was more than slick enough to take it without any resistance whatsoever.

"I want to hear you", he repeated, and Jyn thought she'd held out long enough. Another half-broken breath, and then there was no helping or muffling the moans that followed, moans that grew in length and intensity and volume with every swipe of his tongue, every press and curl of his finger, the combination more than enough to draw her deeper into her own particular ecstasy.

"Wanna - ", she started, breathlessly giddy, "Wanna ... taste myself all over your mouth. Want you to fuck me ... I want you so much, Cassian, sometimes it's all I c - can think about. I need - please, I need ... "

Hearing her voice, moaning and begging for him was indescribable to Cassian. It wasn’t just the lust. Oh, sure, he burned from the pit of his belly to the tips of his fingers and toes – but there was more to this, more to Jyn. It wasn’t just his cock aching as she felt her hands slide across his body, her body writhing underneath his ministrations. His chest ached too.

But this ache wasn’t what he was used to. He’d felt the pain of his family’s death for a nearly decade, his chest always heavy and making it impossible to smile until the Rebellion taught him to bury it away. And his chest had ached from then on from sheer emptiness, of the demons that chased him in the nights, shaming him for everything he’d ever done in the name of the Rebellion. With Jyn, the ache felt oddly like his heart was beating again after being dead for so long. There wasn’t a cold emptiness, only warmth that sometimes threatened to bubble over even when they were only sparing each other a passing glance.

Cassian wasn’t sure how to deal with that ache. He wasn’t sure how to deal with Jyn.

Except to have her pinned beneath him.

And, Force, he needed her too. Her words caught his attention and, suddenly, it seemed as if they didn’t have the time to tease and play. His breath hitched in his throat as he crawled back on top of her, leaning down to give her a rough kiss as his free hand positioned himself. “Look at me, Jyn,” he said, his voice hoarse with want. His dark brown eyes bore into her light ones, his forehead rested against hers as he finally pushed his hips forward, taking her all at once.

His skin was on fire and Cassian idly thought he might be burning. “Jyn – fuck...” He’d never been one with words. And now there were a million things running through his head and he couldn’t sort through it all, wasn’t even sure what he was supposed to be thinking. The physical act was the only thing he could make sense of. His hips snapped into hers again as he set a hard pace for the two of them, trying not to think about how desperately he needed her too.

Jyn wanted. And what Jyn wanted, she wanted powerfully. And what she wanted most of all was Cassian, in every way that he was willing to give himself to her. It still hurt, sometimes, when she allowed herself to think about how much she'd grown to need him, too. Even just imagining living a life without him in it almost broke her completely - and while Jyn had known her own fair share of pain, nothing compared to the thought of losing him, too.

It was a distinct possibility, after all, living in this uncertain world as they did. Perhaps that's why Jyn held on so tightly in these moments.

Stars, how it terrified her, the knowledge that she was inextricably linked with him, come what may. She had lost her mother, and her father, too, and everything she had ever known, and she'd survived. Maybe she didn't feel whole just yet, and maybe she never really would, but when they were together, even in the quiet moments, Jyn knew what it was feel ... content. And she would do anything to ensure that she never lost that.

More stupid, selfish words threatened to tumble from her lips, and Jyn was thankful when he shifted positions, distracted by the feel of his familiar, comfortable weight atop her, the way he caught her lips in a kiss, just rough enough to make her lose those thoughts completely. And while she had never been very good at following directions otherwise, when he commanded her to look at him, she obeyed perfectly, even though she was fearful that he could read exactly what she was feeling, what she was thinking shining in her eyes.

And then, suddenly, he was filling her and she was shuddering hard beneath him, even as she hissed out a surprised, overwhelmed breath. Fingers that were previously occupied with his hair flew to his arm, and she held on tight, afraid that if she didn't, he'd disappear completely. "Yes", she murmured, her voice barely louder than the smallest whisper. "Yes - ", she managed, taken completely off-guard by how quickly and how ferociously he fucked her. Sometimes, when they both felt their most desperate, there was no time for soft and slow and gentle.

Tonight was one of those times.

Cassian’s hand reached up to brush misplaced bangs aside, then cupped her cheek softly, his thumb slowly and softly running across her cheek. It was a stark contrast to how hard he was fucking her, letting out a few, low grunts and moans as he did. His eyes held her gaze as their bodies moved together and he found he couldn’t look away from her. The thought scared him and made his chest start to throb once more.

“Jyn – I… I…” But he didn’t know what he was. He could feel words on the tip of his tongue, strange and unfamiliar that just wouldn’t spill over, no matter how badly he may have wanted them to. Instead, he kissed her again greedily, his tongue sliding along her bottom lip, begging for entry. He felt like a starving man, desperate to touch every part of Jyn.

Please don’t ever leave me. The thought reverberated through his mind as he moaned her name softly against her mouth, as reverant as a prayer. The words themselves were stuck far down in his throat, where he could never hope to speak them. She could never promise him that, not in their line of work. And even if she could, he imagined she was too free-spirited to ever agree. What they had would have to be enough for him.

The familiar coil of white-hot heat pooled in his belly and he knew he wouldn’t be able to last much longer. “Jyn… I’m gonna cum,” Cassian warned, his voice deep and wavering slightly. When the two of them became so… desperate and heated, pleading and stopping just on the verge of saying things they knew they should never say, he couln’t hold out and tease and play like he normally would. No, when they got like that, it wasn’t just sex and Cassian knew it, even if didn’t understand what they had.

There was something about the disparity between the gentle, almost tender touch of his hand as he brushed overlong hair out of her eyes and traced along the flushed curve of her cheek and the way he fucked her with such intensity that she knew she'd be feeling him still in every move she made for the next few days to come. It fascinated her, really, that difference, and he fascinated her, too, and she wanted to know Cassian as well as she knew herself, she wanted him to know her, inside and out, too, and she wanted ... so much more, too, even if she could never bring herself to tell him so.

"I know", she murmured, not so gentle as she raked fingernails down the expanse of his back. "I know ... I - m - me too ... ", and she so desperately wanted to finish that sentence, she just couldn't quite bring herself to loose them from her lips, and maybe all for the better. Maybe it was better this way, maybe less hurtful in the long run if they never put into words what they felt for each other, if they somehow clung to the belief that they could have a semblance of a happy life when all of this came to an end. I love you, she thought, as she returned his heated kisses with abandon. I love you, she thought, easily acquiescing to the demand to part her lips and let him inside to taste her, every gasp and whimper and moan dripping with words she couldn't say. I love you, she thought, as they moved together in time, dragging each other deeper into their mutual pleasure.

Please don't ever leave me, she thought, breathless and panting, her nails digging into his skin in an approximation of what she felt, urging him all the closer still, although, for them, there was never such a thing as too close. Jyn knew that she could never ask that of Cassian, though, to make that promise to her, all too aware that in these uncertain times, any moment could be their last. Run away with me, she wordlessly pleaded, hazy eyes gleaming with what could be tears, or, more likely, every unspoken emotion that she fought to hold back. Settling down, she thought, was not in either of their blood, no matter how much she needed to believe that they could, that they could live a long and happy life away from all of this. He'd never consider it, though, so dedicated to seeing this fight through. And for as long as she could, she'd be right by his side. Through it all, there was nowhere else she'd rather be. Please don't ever leave me.

Neither of them ever lasted very long when they got caught up in moments like this - in their shared desperation, in their shared need to use their bodies to say what they couldn't - or wouldn't - vocalize, to prove once and for all that if it was possible, they were made for each other. "Cassian", she managed, flushed and panting and right on the edge herself, "S - so close - just ... don't stop, don't stop ... wanna come with you ... "

Edited 2017-02-26 10:59 (UTC)

Cassian hissed as he felt Jyn’s nails rake down his back, finding a bit of excitement in the fact that he’d be able to see them later, long after leaving her side. He’d feel them during a meeting with General Draven, feel them as he shuffled recruits through the labyrinthian maze, and even feel them when he worked out later. She may have been his secret, but no secret was fun unless there was a chance of discovery.

Somehow, with a simple “I know and me too”, Cassian was assured that everything he was feeling, she was too. Was it love that he felt for Jyn? Certainly, his feelings for her went far past lust, but he couldn’t accept that he loved her. Too many people that he’d loved had been taken from him. Please don’t ever leave me. The thought burned in his mind again and his chest ached. No, he couldn’t love Jyn because the Force had willed that everyone Cassian loved be taken from him and he knew he wouldn’t survive losing her too.

It was dangerous to think about too much. He’d lost his family. He’d lost friends in the Rebellion, had lost recruits he’d grown protective of, leaders he’d respected. He’d lost the crew of Rogue One, except Jyn, and they’d been the first people in a long time Cassian felt he might be able to open up to. He’d lost Kaytoo, the droid that was the closest thing to a friend he’d had in years. He was cursed and losing people was his penance for the terrible things he had to do in the Rebellion. If he was a good man, he’d stay far away from Jyn before he got her killed too.

Cassian wasn’t a good man.

He came with Jyn’s name on his lips and buried his head in the crook of her neck, breathing in the smell of her hair. His body started to shiver again, though it wasn’t from the cold of Hoth for the moment. His lips pressed a trail of kisses along her neck as his hips began to slow, soaking in the aftermath of their frenzied fucking. Finally, he lifted his head and kissed her lips softly, slowly, gently, with all the care and control he had.

“Are you okay…?” Cassian asked because that was always what he asked afterward. He asked because they pulled feelings out of each other that neither had experienced before. He asked because the magnetism between them was so strong it nearly drove him to insanity sometimes and he knew she felt it too. He asked because neither one of them was okay, had never been okay, and probably never would be okay, but it served as a sort of acknowledgement that they didn’t have to be not okay alone anymore. He never told her why he asked.

Jyn loved leaving her mark behind, whether it was scratches, or bruises from where her fingers bit into his skin as she held on for dear life, especially when they fucked so hard it hurt, and all the little love bites she left underneath his clothing where only he knew they existed. Jyn loved it when Cassian left the same sorts of marks behind on her, too.

It terrified her, the knowledge that she could and did care for Cassian so deeply. After all, she'd loved her parents, and they'd been taken away while she was still young and needed them the most. She'd loved Saw, in her own way, and she'd been forced away when she was still in need of some sort of guidance, some semblance of care. She'd lost the only friends she'd ever had, except for Cassian. Perhaps that's why she held onto him so tightly. Jyn couldn't help what she felt, she couldn't stop what she felt, no matter how frightened she was that one day, he just wouldn't be there anymore, like everyone else she'd lost in the course of her short life, and she'd be left alone all over again, broken in ways that she couldn't bring herself to imagine.

She loved him, no matter how much she knew, deep down, that she shouldn't.

She was selfish, and reckless, and playing a game that she knew she would never win. And yet, she did not push him away, she always welcomed him into her arms and into her bed and into her heart, and that ... that had to be better than the alternative, right? She'd fall apart completely if she didn't have at least this one small mercy.

If she knew what was best for her, she'd put an end to this before something else tore them apart. But for as smart as she sometimes thought she was, Jyn was also ... exceptionally greedy in that she could not find it within herself to let go. Not yet. Not ever.

It wasn't much longer before she followed, surprisingly quiet as wave after wave of sensation washed over her, the almost violent shudders wracking her body lessening in strength until she was completely still, so weak that all she could manage when he asked his usual question was nod.

Jyn needed a moment to come back to herself, and so, she contented herself with tracing nondescript little patterns against the warm skin of his shoulder. Cassian never told her why he asked, and Jyn never questioned him. And for as complicated as the answer had the tendency to be, in these moments, it was never a lie when she answered in the affirmative.

"Yeah", she answered softly, meeting his eyes. "Are you?"

Cassian’s lips curled into a soft smile as he offered Jyn a nod. “Yeah. I’m more than okay with you…” And that wasn’t a lie. Being with Jyn always helped him push aside the memories of all the terrible things he’d done for the Rebellion, she pushed away the nightmares and the recurring dreams of being stuck on that beach on Scarif… he managed to find a measure of peace in her bed.

Carefully, he pulled the thick blankets over them before the chill could set in and moved to lay beside her, his back pressed against the cold wall. Automatically, he wrapped his arms tightly around her, keeping her close to him. A part of him would have liked to claim he did it for warmth, that holding Jyn so close and tight was a strategy for being comfortable on a frozen planet. But Cassian couldn’t lie to himself. He cared for her more than he’d ever cared for another person in his life. There wasn’t a place for him in the galaxy without her.

For a while Cassian was quiet, reveling in the peace that’d settled between them. He focused on the sound of their soft breathing, focused on the heat of Jyn’s body pressed so close to his. In the distance, his datapad beeped again. He didn’t move an inch toward it.

“I’m sure they just want me to go over recruit files or send some sort of inventory report,” Cassian said, his voice dripping with annoyance and venom. He’d been one of the best spies in the Rebellion before Scarif. Whether they no longer trusted him because of his betrayal or didn’t think he was capable because of his leg, ever since coming to Hoth, he’d been grounded and stuck with clerical work. It stung far more than Cassian cared to admit.

“The least they could do is revoke my privileges so I wouldn’t have to see what I’m missing out on…” Cassian was beginning to get stir crazy. He’d never been in one place for very long; even while on base on Yavin 4, he’d never stayed longer than a month. Jyn was a comfort that had tempered him, but the endless, tedious details Draven had assigned him were beginning to drive him insane.

For the moment, that was all that Jyn needed to know.

I'm more than okay with you reverberated in her thoughts, even as she shifted positions, regrettably so, only returning to curl up as close as humanly possible when the blankets were tucked around them and he opened his arms and welcomed her home into the circle of them. She couldn't relax unless they were together. She slept better than she'd ever been able to as long as he was holding her close. And if she could lighten his stress and his nightmares by holding him as tightly as he did her ... Jyn would spend every night just like this.

"Y'know", she murmured, sleepy and comfortable, her face pressed in the space that his shoulder met his neck, as per usual. "We'd be a whole lot warmer if we bothered getting dressed afterwards."

She heard the intermittent beep from the pad, but didn't feel the need to bring attention to it. Cassian knew there was a message waiting for him. If it was important, they'd get in touch with him via comlink. The message could probably wait until morning, and she was grateful for that fact. They were settled, and comfortable, and safe in each other's embraces. Jyn wasn't very likely to give any of that up anytime soon.

For a while, Jyn allowed the beating of Cassian's heart to lull her into as much peacefulness as she allowed herself, at least until the beeping got to him enough to give into his annoyance, at least a little. he might not have ever told her explicitly how he felt about being grounded, but she could tell in the moments like these, that he was angry about it, and righteously so, and hurt because although they'd done the right thing, he'd broken the trust that had built between he and the General. It wasn't fair to continue punishing him in such a way, And to treat him as though he was somehow incapable of doing his job because of his leg was unfair, too. Of course, her opinion on the matter was hardly wanted, no matter how quick she was to offer it when he came up in discussions and briefings that she was a part of.

Still, she felt that they still felt that they could only trust her as far as they could throw her, after everything that she'd done - after everything that they'd seen and done and lost, together.

"We don't have to stay", she whispered, suddenly afraid that she'd said the wrong thing completely. "We've done enough."

Cassian traced invisible patterns along Jyn’s back with his fingers, sighing contently as they laid together. He was exhausted, but his mind was whirling at light speed; already, he doubted he’d get much sleep that night. Sure, having Jyn in his arms absolutely helped lull him into peaceful sleep most nights, but he’d always been a notoriously light sleeper. Nights when he had something on his mind, like that night, just made it even harder for him.

And when Jyn suggested that they could leave, that they’d done enough, it only served to make his mind whirl even faster.

He’d honestly expected Jyn to spit out a “Fuck Draven”, or perhaps tell him that he worked for a bunch of assholes anyway. Cassian could’ve even handled a bit of tough love, if she’d told him to get over it, that he was alive when so many people weren’t. What he got in return knocked the air right out of his lungs.

Cassian stilled his movements, pulling away from Jyn as best he could in their cramped bed. He furrowed his brow a bit and he knew he was probably looking at her as if she’d suddenly sprouted another head. “Well, I – I mean, I can’t just leave…” he sputtered, as if he wasn’t absolutely miserable with his current position in the Rebellion, as if he hadn’t just been complaining to Jyn. “How would it look, if we left now, after everything?”

After disobeying direct orders. After losing their crew. After all the sacrifices made on Scarif…

“I’ve been fighting for over twenty years now. I’ve made hard sacrifices before Scarif, sacrifices that were just as terrible. But for a free galaxy, it’s worth it, right?” Cassian wasn’t sure if he was asking her if it was all worth it or telling her. The truth was that he couldn’t imagine doing anything else or being anywhere else. He’d been a Rebel since he was six years old – it was as much a part of his identity as his Festian heritage.

Cassian’s hand started to move again, tracing those invisible patterns on her back while his heart hammered hard in his chest.

Jyn always tried her best to stay awake in order to keep Cassian company in his restless sleeplessness, but she eventually nodded off, safe in his arms, comforted by the beating of his heart underneath her cheek and the gentle touches that set her at ease, the easy intimacy they'd fallen into, habits that Jyn craved more than most other things, these little moments, as close to perfect as they might ever get.

Normally, she probably would've offered both uncouth sentiments, and all in the space of a single breath, and if he was feeling particularly maudlin, she might even firmly remind Cassian that he was still alive, and he still had a lot of life to live, but tonight ... a completely different suggestion left her lips instead.

And once they had, she couldn't take them back, no matter how desperately she wanted to, especially when he was staring at her like she'd uttered the most confounding thing he'd ever heard. Hadn't they just been talking about someday, maybe, settling into a boring, mundane life together on Lah'mu? And so, her brow furrowed in her own confusion. Would it really be so wrong to pack up and try to make a life for themselves? After everything they'd done and everything they'd lost?

"I - ", she began, swallowing hard. "What more do they want you to give, Cassian? Must you sacrifice yourself, too? We almost died for them, together, but we didn't, and we did the impossible, when they weren't even going to try! Look at how they treat you now, and tell me that you're happy with your work."

She sighed, and dropped her eyes, and needed a moment before she continued slowly. "Sometimes, I think that they wouldn't care if they buried you under paperwork and if they - if they kept sending me on riskier and riskier missions until one day, I simply didn't return. That takes care of the troublemakers. And I don't want that for us." A pause, a heartbeat, another, and then - "You were speaking of Lah'mu, and I thought - well ... Cassian, if you feel like you should stay, I will stay with you. If you feel like you want to go, I'll be with you then, too. All the way, remember?"

Although, truth be told ... Jyn much preferred the latter option rather than the former.

Edited 2017-03-01 08:19 (UTC)

Cassian knew that Jyn was right, but that only made him hurt more. He had given his life to the Rebellion. He’d given them control of his body, whether to use in skirmishes or to go on dangerous missions or to seduce someone who may have usable pieces of information. He’d given them his mind – the Rebellion had never offered him any sort of solace from the guilt he felt, only ever asked more of him. He’d given them his heart too, refusing to have any meaningful relationships or friendships for fear that may interfere with his ability to be a great spy.

And yet Cassian knew he couldn’t walk away.

“Of course I’m not happy with my work.” There was no argument there, his unhappiness was constantly etched on his face. “But my father died in the Clone Wars, fighting against the empire. My family – my mother, my sisters, my grandparents, my aunts, my uncles – all gone in a single raid of the empire. If I leave now, if I stop fighting now, then what would their deaths be for?”

It was the most Cassian had ever talked about his family. In truth, now that over twenty years had passed, he couldn’t remember many of their faces. To him, his family was nothing more than shapeless blobs. But he could still remember their screams that night, could still hear his mother’s high-pitched wail of, “Run, Cassian!” He could remember running through his village that was engulfed in flames, stopping by his family’s houses only to see each one of them burning and their bodies scattered in the streets, mixed with so many other Festians that’d dared to fight.

“I want to be with you, Jyn,” Cassian said, his voice soft as he kept his eyes locked with hers. He cupped her cheek once again, his thumb softly running across her cheek. “And when this war is over, when the Empire is gone, I want to go to Lah’mu with you. I want to be with you for the rest of my life and not just at night behind closed doors. I am with you all the way. But this is bigger than us… so much bigger.”

That was hardly her intention, and if Jyn knew that she'd hurt Cassian, however inadvertently, her guilt would cut her right to the bone. While she didn't know the half of what he'd had to do during his time with the Rebellion, she'd seen enough, and she knew that for as much as he did share with her, there was so much more that he didn't. She knew that he didn't think himself a good man, and no matter how much she assured him that he was one of the best men she'd ever known, he might not ever actually believe her.

He wasn't just a weapon for the Rebellion. And he deserved so much better than what they were currently giving him. How much longer could he take being treated with such derision, after everything he'd done for them, everything he'd given them and sacrificed for them?

It broke her heart and enraged her, all at once, and then some. How she hurt for him, and all the losses he'd faced, losses that she understood on a very personal level, the sort of losses where the pain never really went away, settled deep in a person's bones, always there, no matter how far removed they were. No, she didn't know the details when it came to his family, but she knew his pain. And she knew Cassian well enough to know that when he was determined to see something through, no matter what he had to do in order to do so, he would get it done.

But despite knowing all of those things very intimately, Jyn couldn't help the sour taste in her mouth even as he touched her so sweetly, a disappointment she couldn't hide shining in her eyes. But she wasn't going to fight, and she certainly wasn't going to risk pushing him away when all she ever wanted was to keep him close. "I want those things, too", she murmured, "With you." She paused, swallowed, took a breath, and continued. "We stay, then. We fight. And someday, we'll have those things."

And until then, she supposed, she'd just have to be content with the too-few and too-short moments that they had to be together. This, and moments like this, would have to be enough.

Cassian could feel that he’d said the wrong thing, but he’d meant what he said all the same. He would follow Jyn Erso to the ends of the galaxy and she would always be the person that made his heart start beating again. But leaving the rebellion felt like a betrayal of those who came before her, even if they were nameless, shapeless blobs that cursed his nightmares.

“I promise, querida…” Cassian said, his voice soft. Carefully, he shifted so he laid all the way back down, keeping Jyn wrapped tightly in his arms. He supposed the fact that she wasn’t kicking him out was a good sign that his words hadn’t hurt her too badly. He pressed another kiss to the top of her head and then closed his eyes, preparing for whatever the next day brought.

As it turned out, the next day brought nothing but a headache for Cassian.

General Draven immediately drilled him about why he hadn’t answered his messages from the night before. Cassian had played it off cooly enough, saying his leg had pained him and he’d taken painkillers to sleep it off. Draven still hadn’t been satisfied, but the purple in his face faded to red. Still, it was his job to take care of urgent duty at hand – review the files of recruits and pass along the best candidates to Draven. It wasn’t lost on Cassian that he was essentially picking his replacement.

It wasn’t until later, when boredom had taken hold and his thoughts began to wander that Cassian remembered Jyn’s mission. She’d been a bit evasive about it the previous night and while she promised she’d give him the details before leaving, Cassian was bored and figured then was as good of a time as ever to find out. He searched for her profile on the datapad, figuring he might be able to offer her some advice. He had contacts scattered all across the galaxy, after all.

His eyes narrowed when he read the mission file. Jyn had said that she was making contact with a source who was nervous of a military presence, but she had failed to mention the source was one of Saw Gerrera’s former disciples who’d split up and formed another paramilitary group. No wonder why they were sending Jyn. He doubted that her relationship with Saw would make the outlaw open to reconciliation with the Rebellion – likely, she’d be shot on sight.

Pushing out from his desk, Cassian started out down the narrow, icy hallways. He ignored the pain in his leg, refusing to limp as he passed by officers, soldiers, and recruits alike – he was too proud to admit that he’d carry all kinds of wounds from Scarif until the end of his life.

He finally found Jyn in the cantina. The place was too crowded to have the conversation he wanted to have with her… he’d have to find a reason why she needed to follow him. And then, he thought, fuck it, I’m an officer, that’s all the reason anyone needs. His brows were still pushed together tightly, his eyes hardened, and his mouth in a thin line – that look had been enough to scare off a couple of stragglers just as he approached.

“Erso, a word,” Cassian said gruffly as he stood beside the table, not looking down at her. A bold pilot looked up at him, questioning, but Cassian’s glare sent the pilot’s eyes back down to his food. “Now.” Cassian started to walk, not looking to see if she followed. She would. He knew she would.

Despite Jyn's disillusionment, she didn't put up a fight, and didn't pull away from Cassian entirely, and certainly never even considered tossing him out of her bed and their unofficial quarters entirely. She'd known, deep down, that he'd never even consider jumping ship now, no matter how unhappy and hurt he felt about effectively being pushed out of the only thing he'd ever known.

She simply curled in close, and wrapped her arms around him as tightly as he did her, determined not to let go until the morning came and it was absolutely necessary to part.

No reason to bring old hurts into new days.

No reason, because new days often brought new hurts entirely.

Her own day hadn't exactly gone much to plan, either. Maybe it hadn't been nearly as awful as choosing her own replacement, but still very discouraging. She'd fought hard, as she always did, for Cassian's inclusion on her strike team. But her every argument had fallen on deaf ears, no matter how much she insisted that he was the best they had. It wasn't as though she could reject the mission, after all, no matter how much she wished she could up and leave and not return until she got her way.

Jyn needed some time to cool down, and why not spend that time in the cantina, getting to know some of the personnel who'd be accompanying her on this particular mission? Some food, some drinks, some time to try to pull herself together before she needed to report to the armory in order to take an inventory of what the team would need for the mission at hand.

And that had been going well - or well enough, anyway, until Cassian stalked right to her table, with an expression that screamed murder. Which was ... probably why people scattered as he approached, giving him a wide berth right to her. Sandran, the pilot, glanced at Cassian, but soon returned his gaze to his plate. Jyn, however, did not cower. She did nod shortly, though, as she stood in order to follow him.

She'd follow him anywhere, he knew that.

"Of course, Captain."

Cassian walked out of the cantina, down on of the narrow hallways, trying to come up with exactly he was supposed to Jyn. He couldn’t exactly tell her she couldn’t go, although that’s what had been flashing in his mind since he read the mission brief. She can’t go. She can’t fucking go. It’s too dangerous and I won’t be there. And there was the more irrational side of him that was angry she’d downplayed the mission so much – sure, she’d promised to tell him the details before she left, but the way she’d spoken in her quarters, he thought it would be something simple. Easy.

Something that didn’t involve getting in contact with Saw Gerrera’s split factions.

As soon as he turned down a clear hallway, he stopped and gently grabbed Jyn’s arm, dragging her into an empty storage room. He shut the door quickly behind them, then finally turned to look at her head on with zero pretense. Despite all the mixed up emotions he felt, he couldn’t help but feel his face soften at the sight of her.

“Goran Mardin?” Cassian asked, raising his arms in exasperation. “Force, Jyn, you made it seem like you were meeting some nervous smuggler, not the leader of one of Saw’s split factions!” His voice wavered, affected by the emotional storm inside of his head. He was more afraid than anything, afraid that he would lose Jyn not on an exploding planet that time, but at the hands of a vengeful psychopath.

Please don’t ever leave me.

“You don’t have to go, Jyn, you can refuse this mission. I can have you reassigned.” Cassian wasn’t sure how true that was anymore given how far he’d fallen after Scarif, but it was worth a shot, even if he went to Draven’s office and went on and on about how reckless Jyn was.

It wasn't as though Jyn hadn't been anticipating this - or something like it once Cassian found out the details of the mission. That was absolutely part of the reason why she hadn't gone into detail about it the night before. That was their time to be together, and she hadn't wanted to start a fight. Funny, that Jyn Erso, of all people, wanted to avoid a fight. Of course, now that he knew what the mission entailed, there was no avoiding any of this.

And although she stood as tall and as strong and as proud as she could while following him down the icy hallways, on the inside, she was a complete mess. He wasn't happy, it was partly her fault for attempting to keep things from him, and there was nothing she could do to make it any better. She was stuck. He had to know that she was stuck.

Jyn wasn't expecting the sudden stop, and although Cassian was gentle enough when he pulled her into the storage room, she still found herself a little breathless and wild eyed once they found themselves inside. She also found herself feeling all the more guilty once they were staring at each other and she could see just how panicked he was - and how hard he was attempting to hide it from her.

And the way his voice broke only just made her stomach twist painfully in response. She shook her head almost violently as he spoke, and practically threatened to go above her head in order to take the mission away from her. He'd probably say just about anything about her in his desperation to keep her safe and wouldn't that - wouldn't it just make things worse?

"I can't, Cassian", she replied, cursing the helplessness evident in her voice. "If not me, they'll send someone else - someone without the proper knowledge of how these people think, and I - I can't have someone else's blood on my hands if I can help it. I can't."

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