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bakerstreet2017-02-08 07:14 pm
groupon) wrote in bakerstreet2017-02-08 07:14 pm
I'll keep you my secret
 SECRET relationship; The fact that you're in a relationship with this person isn't public knowledge. Actually, no one knows about it except for the people involved. Maybe you guys are just private like that; on the other hand, it may be a necessity to keep things a secret from others. Maybe you're both team mates, and others on the team would give you grief, or you're not suppose to be dating, or you're not the type to usually date and you're only testing the waters. Perhaps it's the combination of you two, possibly an odd couple, that would bring some controversy or some teasing. Or, you know, you could not want to deal with friends and relatives being busybodies. Your reasons are your own. Are you content with stealing moments to be together as a couple? Do you want to make your relationship known and the fact that you can't drives you batty? Remember, there are lots of benefits to dating in secret. You can be yourselves completely, away from prying eyes, and get to know each other better as potential longterm romantic partners. In a way, it's ideal. ...still, do you ever wish you could scream from the rooftops how much you care for your significant other? how to play. ★ Comment with your character, preferences, and information. |
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He took another long swig of the gin and then passed it back, coughing slightly as it burned down the back of his throat. He’d never been a good drinker.
“Good… yeah, you never know what can happen out there.” Cassian offered a shrug of his shoulders, letting out a sort of half laugh. He ran a hand through his short hair, pushing the loose strands that always fell across his face out of the way. “You know, Kaytoo always packed extra too. He loved to remind me that he could survive anywhere, but I was just a human. He felt a responsibility to keep me alive.
“This one time, we were on our way to a trading post. And Kay brings this big crate of extra blankets, rations, and two extra blasters. And I told him it was a waste, it was unnecessary. He says to me, ‘The asteroid belt is crawling with Imperial ships. There is a seventy-five percent chance we will have to make an emergency landing’. I rolled my eyes at him, because I am careful, always careful not to attract attention. But this time, it didn’t matter.
“You see, my contact was against the Imperials, but they had increased their hold on the trade post. His family was threatened by ‘troopers, said that they’d be carefully monitoring everyone he came in contact with. When he met me, he immediately sold me out. Kay and I made an escape, but we had to get lost in the asteroid belt and our ship took heavy damage. We made a landing on a huge asteroid, but it took a week for the two of us to repair the damage. I woudn’t have made it if he didn’t pack extra…” Cassian knew Kaytoo wasn’t a human, but it didn’t stop his chest from hurting at the loss of his friend. “Kay was my best friend. It’s hard to get used to not having him around.”
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Besides, she wasn't the easiest person to talk to sometimes, either. Drinking, though, was a bit easier. Distraction was somewhat easier, too, when it was distracting from the ugly truth of the matter.
"That's the best way to think about it, yeah", she murmured, slowly shifting closer until she was able to very gently lay her head against his thigh, careful not to exacerbate any existing pain. Maybe later, she'd be able to get her hands in his hair, gentle, lulling him into even more relaxation. For the moment, she was content to just listen.
She snorted softly at the appropriate moments, but kept mostly quiet throughout the story. She hadn't known Kaytoo very long, but she absolutely understood Cassian's pain at the loss of his friend. "You miss him deeply, I know", she started, slowly drawing out her words. "I guess I'm just going to have to watch over you now. I can just imagine how horrified he'd be by the thought."
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“I think he would approve,” Cassian said, his voice soft as he kept playing with her hair. “Maybe not in your methods, but I’m a better man now.” Kaytoo had never fully grasped the spectrum of human emotion and rationality. Cassian supposed that was his fault – he’d never really grasped the two either. Kay’s acerbic personality had merely been an extension of his own; Cassian was simply trained to be a spy who always chose his words thoughtfully and carefully while Kay had been free to say whatever popped into his circuits.
“It wasn’t that he didn’t like you, Jyn. He just didn’t understand why I acted differently with you. It… it concerned him.” Not that Kaytoo ever had the chance to say that outloud, but Cassian knew the droid as well as he knew himself. Kay was programmed for data analysis. From the moment Cassian let Jyn keep that blaster, Kay’s circuits had been working frantically, trying to understand why his normally rational, controlled captain would allow such a potential disaster to happen.
“What about Saw? Galen? Do you think they’d approve of this… whatever it is we’re doing?” Cassian doubted Saw would have – it was in the nature of the Partisans to form attachments. Life was too short, too risky. But Cassian knew nothing Galen Erso, save for the fragments that Jyn had given him from time to time.
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Her breath caught in her throat to hear it, and even if she tried, she couldn't pass it off as anything other than what it was, a rush of emotion that she couldn't hold back. For what it was worth, in the short time that she'd known the former Imperial Droid ... she had come to like him - sarcasm and all. He'd been a part of Cassian, she knew just how heavily he still felt the loss. But it made her feel at least a little better about what they were to each other to know that maybe, just maybe, he would've approved. And, to be honest, hearing that Cassian felt himself a better man now, after being with her ... it made her heart skip a beat. Maybe, if she was lucky, she was a better person, too.
"Yes, I suppose it would have. I'm sure he thought me unfit for duty, much less for being your - ... f - for doing what we're doing."
There was no hesitation when she answered the first part of the question. "Oh, no, no, not Saw. Someone would have been reassigned elsewhere, or ... or gotten rid of entirely." Her father ... that was another story altogether. Jyn had to shut her eyes for a long moment, silent as she pondered what he might think of his daughter and Cassian, the spy master, as entangled together as they were.
"... you make me no less proud, Jyn. If you found a place in the galaxy untouched by war—a quiet life, maybe with a family—if you’re happy, Jyn, then that’s more than enough.”
"Yes, I - my father ... I think he would absolutely approve. As long as I was happy, he'd be happy. And I ... I am happy with you."
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But Galen, on the other hand – it warmed Cassian that Jyn thought he would’ve approved. Galen had been a scientist for the Empire, but he’d given them a way out. Had designed the Death Star so that it wasn’t impregnable. He’d inspired courage in Bodhi and never lost Jyn’s faith or trust after everything. Despite all of his sins, Cassian couldn’t help but feel a sort of respect for the man who’d had an impossible choice.
“I’m happy with you too,” Cassian said softly, his fingers still dancing through strands of Jyn’s hair. He liked to think that his family would’ve approved of Jyn too, that his nameless, shapeless parents would’ve been happy for the shred of normalcy he’d found in a decidedly not-normal world. “I don’t know that I would still be alive if it wasn’t for you.”
Not that Cassian was suicidal, but he did take unnecessary risks. He plucked the most dangerous missions out of the dockets, missions that Kay liked to remind him only had a twenty percent chance of survival. It wasn’t that he was trying to find a way to get himself killed, but he certainly wasn’t running from danger. With his leg permanently damaged, he doubted he’d ever see that kind of action again, but he liked to think he would’ve turned down those dangerous missions for Jyn’s sake.
Those three words were on the tip of his tongue again. Cassian swallowed them back.
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But those experiences had led to Cassian, and although the circumstances were ... less than desirable at the best of times, when they were able to put everything behind them and just focus on being with each other, it felt like maybe a real, happy life was supposed to feel like. These little glimpses would never be enough, but it was what they had.
Jyn loved her father, despite the things he'd done for the Empire - the things he'd been forced into doing. He'd still managed to work in a way to destroy the monster that he'd created, and he'd helped Bodhi find the courage and wherewithal to get the message out, and while she never got the chance to tell him that she loved him one last time, she hoped that somehow, some way, he knew.
And she hoped that he knew that she was mostly happy in her decisions, too, and almost perfectly content with the man at her side, too, even though it was difficult, still, learning the ins and outs and intricacies of intimacy. She hoped that some how, some way, Cassian's family could know that he was content with her, too, that they'd found each other, and somehow managed to stitch together the semblance of a life.
"Think I should be saying that, too", she breathed, glancing up at him, offering just the hint of a smile. She'd never been much for being very careful, either. But now - now, she absolutely had more of a reason to watch her back. If only she didn't have to tempt fate by taking this most recent mission on. She felt guilty all the time now. Guilty that she was leaving. Guilty that he was still dealing with an untreatable pain because of her. Guilty that he worried.
So much guilt in such a tiny body.
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Carefully, he slid out of the hard chair to kneel at the side of Jyn’s bed, careful to keep his weight off his injured leg. He clasped Jyn’s hands in his before kissing her knuckles. “I… I am very fond of you,” Cassian said softly, as close as he would dare let himself get to saying love. Everyone he ever loved has died a horrible death; it couldn’t happen to Jyn.
“Don’t take unnecessary risks. You are brave and strong and more than capable, but you’re reckless sometimes. Don’t be reckless. For me,” Cassian pled, linking their fingers together. He smiled again, a sort of half-smile filled with pain. “I don’t think I’ve ever been more scared of anything than letting go of you… but I know you have to go. I do. It would be selfish if I didn’t let you find your own way.”
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She was confused, at first, when Cassian shifted positions, and slid from the chair entirely, softly murmuring admonitions of "what are you doing?" and "get back up here", and "the cold is not good for your leg", which quietly die down as he took her hands again, and kissed her knuckles in turn, and fixed her with as serious a stare as she'd ever seen - serious and scared, and he had to know that she felt exactly the same, and would until the moment that she returned and found herself safe and in his arms.
He might not have been able to bring himself to say the word, but she knew that there was more than just a fondness between them. One day, maybe they'd feel safe and secure enough to say what they really felt, but in such an uncertain world, maybe it made sense that they kept those emotions to themselves.
Her breath caught in her throat, and it took a long moment to find her lost composure, but Jyn managed admirably enough, gently squeezing their linked figures, trying to offer some sense of reassurance that Cassian would know was true. "I won't. I'll be careful and cautious and I won't - I won't barrel into anything without thinking my options through. I know I've never really done it before, but ... for you, I will." She paused, and swallowed hard, and although her eyes were prickling with unshed tears, did not allow them to fall. It was difficult, to say the least, to see him so scared for her, for the both of them. "I will come back to you. Remember - you're my home. And I'm always going to come back home."
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He grunted as he finally stood up to toe off his boots. “Is there room for me?” Cassian asked, nodding toward the bed. He didn’t wait for Jyn’s answer before he pulled off his shirt and stripped to his pair of boxers. Finally, he eased in beside her, teeth chattering until he pulled the blanket over both of them.
“You should get some sleep, Jyn…” There was so much that Cassian wanted to say. So much that he wanted to do. But she’d be forced to leave at dawn and he had no idea when she’d be able to get real rest again. “Dawn will be here soon.”
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She hardly needed to answer the rhetorical question - Cassian knew as well as Jyn did that there was always room in her bed for him, and room at her side, and room in her heart, too. Once they were lying together and the blanket was covering them both, it was easy enough to practically meld herself to his side, adamant upon sharing as much contact as possible for as long as possible, because, yes, dawn would come far too soon for their liking.
He was right, no matter how much she practically pouted to hear it. There was still so much to say, and do, and share, but maybe this time, simply sleeping together, safe in each other's arms would have to be enough. "You try to rest, too. You need it as much as I do."
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“I will, I promise,” Cassian murmured, pressing one last kiss to the top of her head. His fingers traced invisible patterns along her back as he closed his eyes, sighing softly. “Wake me up when you get ready to leave…” As if he wouldn’t hear her alarm. As if he wouldn’t feel her wriggling out of bed. He just didn’t want to miss her leave.
Cassian wished he had the strength to walk away from the whole damned rebellion. That was the only way he could keep Jyn safe and he couldn’t find the strength to do it. It wasn’t too late – they could sneak out and steal a ship that night, be off Hoth and deep into hyperspace before anyone really realized they were gone. They could settle on one of the Outer Rim planets, far away from the Rebellion and the War and live blissfully unaware of anything happening.
Cassian had given the Rebellion his blood, his sweat, his tears. He’d given them his body to break, had given them his body to pimp out. He’d sacrificed his sanity for the blood that dripped from his hands. There was little he had left to give, though he now had everything to lose.
And yet he still couldn’t leave.
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Jyn wished for much the same, maybe if it were just her, she'd do what she did best, and she'd run, but she'd made an unspoken promise to whoever was listening while she and Cassian both had been recovering in the wake of Scarif that if he made it through his injuries, she'd stay by his side, no matter what, and it was a promise that she fully intended to keep. He was a good man, even if he believed otherwise, an she knew that he couldn't and wouldn't easily abandon the cause that he'd been fighting for since he was a child.
He'd given the Rebellion everything, had been prepared to give his life, what more could they ask of him? Jyn almost repeated the suggestion she'd made the night previous, but swallowed that back down, too, screwing her eyes shut and finding a way to curl all the closer in an attempt to find some rest. Dawn came early, after all.
Little did she know that this was the last chance she'd have for any sort of peace and quiet for quite some time. Little did she know that this was the calm before the storm.
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Cassian kept to himself the first couple of days, not meeting the eyes of anyone he passed. He’d been right – he hadn’t slept since Jyn left. Couldn’t sleep, at least not in bed. He caught an hour here or there on the crudely made desk he read reports over, or up against a crate when he was in the middle of weapon inventory. But sleep proved impossible at night without Jyn’s small body curled in close to his.
He obsessively read the updates of her mission reports, setting reminders to check when he knew the squad leader would be submitting new information. Most of it was standard – there was a log when they left, logs made during the flight to account for slight path variation, a log when they exited hyperspace, a log for when they touched down, a log noting that they would be out of contact briefly.
Cassian had been sitting on pins and needles since the last entry, forcing himself not to check his data pad. The squadron had clearly stated there would be no further updates for at least a couple of days, as they had scouting to do. He distracted himself by working himself ragged in the small training room, punching at a giant bag of sand until he was thoroughly exhausted and his leg radiated pain. Only after he’d gone to the ‘fresher and picked at some food in the cantina did he finally open the datapad to check the mission logs.
He hadn’t been expecting any updates. There were several.
The squadron reported on hostiles in the area, that they anticipated problems and may require backup. And then, notes from General Draven himself were added – they’d lost contact. Repeat attempts to reach out through comm links had failed and no one seemed to be able to reach back out.
Cassian immediately stood up from his table in the cantina and began to march straight to Draven’s office. The few people he came in contact with immediately parted to let him through – he may be a limping mess, but Cassian had no doubt he had a crazed look in his eyes that the lack of sleep wasn’t helping. He was a man possessed.
“We’ve got to go after them,” Cassian sputtered as soon as he barged into Draven’s office, his chest heaving as he breathed through the pain that radiated from his leg up through the rest of his body. “I can organize a squadron – we can’t just leave them!”
Draven looked up from his datapad, his lips clenched together in a thin line. “Captain Andor, I suggest you return to your quarters and get some rest. You’re clearly not in your right mind.” It was a warning. It was Draven telling Cassian that he’d overstepped, that he’d abused his privileges, but it could be overlooked it he kept quiet. Keeping quiet seemed impossible.
“You can’t leave them!” Cassian implored, his face twisted up with pain. Pain that wasn’t just coming from his leg. He was losing her – he was losing Jyn.
“You mean I can’t leave her,” General Draven corrected, his eyes narrowed. “I’ve looked past your infatuation with Jyn Erso, but enough is enough, Captain Andor. You’re relieved of your duties until further notice. Say another word and I will put forward a case for you to be court martialed for interference, do you understand?”
Cassian was seething in anger, could only see red around him. He wanted to tear the room apart and Draven along with it, but he simply gave a curt nod instead as his hands curled into fists.
“Good,” Draven continued, ignoring the rage radiating from the Captain. “I don’t want to see you, Captain Andor, until I call for you, do I make myself clear? Go find a way to make yourself useful, but not under my chain of command.”
Cassian turned and walked out of Draven’s office without another word. Later that night, when he tried to log back on to see any mission updates, he found his credentials were blocked. Cassian threw his datapad across the room, watching it shatter into pieces as it connected with the wall. It was uncharacteristic for Cassian to lose control of his emotions, but he did that night, flipping over what little furniture was assigned to his room, breaking everything he could to find a sliver of relief. It never came.
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For the first few days, everything went to plan perfectly. If Jyn was completely honest - the trip was really rather boring. Sure, there were conversations, and she certainly didn't mind having a little bit of time to get to know her squadmates better, to build a rapport that would come in handy when they were on the ground and trusting that they'd all take care of each other should need be. But even though she was surrounded at all times, Jyn rarely found any rest, either. It was practically impossible to sleep without sharing that too-small bunk with Cassian, without his arms wrapped around her, without burying her face against his shoulder and just ... taking him all in.
If anybody noticed her tendency to be up at all hours, nobody mentioned it. And thank goodness for that, because she hardly wanted to have to explain any of the reasons for her seeming insomnia. It wasn't going to interfere with the mission at hand - she wouldn't let it.
Jyn was expecting some resistance, not the full blown offensive they found themselves up against once they were spotted. Immediately, they came under fire, and they lost two from the squadron. They tried to fall back, but they were surrounded. Two more casualties, including the youngest member of the team - a girl just about Jyn's age with a shy smile and a wicked sense of humor. In her anger, Jyn managed to take out three of the encroaching hostiles, but more soon took their place.
And then, all hell broke loose.
It was three more days before the remaining team members were able to make contact with Hoth again, and the news wasn't good. In fact, it was probably more dire than they were anticipating it would be.
"They're gone!", Sandran, the pilot, wept. "They're all gone - all dead. There's only three of us left", he said, the message breaking up over the weak commlink. "Sergeant Erso - she's in bad shape, bad, bad shape. We don't - we don't think she's going to make it very much longer. We - uh, we patched her up as best we could, but she needs more medical attention than we're able to give."
A long pause, and then -
"We think she's delirious. Her fever - she keeps asking for Captain Andor. Keeps apologizing. Sir, we need ... we need immediate extraction. I'm sending coordinates now. Please - don't leave us here to die. They're not - they're not making it quick."
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So Cassian laid low. He finished his bottle of Corellian gin. He spent a lot of time punching that bag of sand.
“Captain Andor, a word.” Cassian had been walking out of the cantina and back to his own quarters (which had been painstakingly put back in order after his outburst) for the night. He recognized Draven’s voice instantly. Part of him wanted to be petulant and keep walking, but that petulance would do nothing to get him information about Jyn. He turned around to face the older general, whose face had was twisted into an unreadable expression.
Cassian followed Draven without hesitation. He expected to follow the general back to his office, but Draven led him to the hangars instead. There was a U-Wing being frantically loaded with supplies on the nearest pad. Draven handed Cassian a data pad, then nodded over to the ship.
“You’ve been assigned to an extraction,” General Draven said without preamble. His tone and expression were neutral enough, but Cassian had known the man for nearly twenty years. This mission assignment hadn’t been his idea and he wasn’t happy about it. “I assume your leg won’t get in the way.”
Cassian bit his lip hard, fighting the urge to do something reckless. Something stupid. He shook his head. No, he’d be fine.
“Good. You and your team are going to be extracting the Alpha Squadron. The coordinates have already been given to your team.” Cassian paled at the General’s words – he was talking about Jyn’s squadron. “Get yourself together, Andor, she’s alive. That is not why you’re being sent, do you understand? Alpha Squad obtained classified information about the Empire while they were tracking down the last of the Partisans. That is why you’re being sent. It’s too risky to be sent over the air waves.”
Cassian narrowed his eyes but gave a curt nod. “With respect, sir,” he spat, “I have to wonder why I was chosen for such a… delicate mission, given my inactivity these past few months.”
Draven purpled, though he kept his cool. They were both men who’d had extensive training in controlling their emotions. Everything would appear in order between them, no matter how much the two had grown to dislike each other. “You’re the only one left who has the experience necessary to handle this mission. I implored the council to choose someone else, someone who hasn’t been… compromised. But, I was overruled. This is one of the few times I hope that I’m wrong.” With that, Draven turned and left without another word and Cassian limped toward the ship, a swell of determination rising within him.
It was hours before the U-Wing landed on the planet. Cassian’s body shook from adrenaline as they opened the doors, preparing for the extraction. Silently, as a team, they moved through the thick jungle scape to where Alpha Squadron had sent their coordinates. When they finally came upon the makeshift camp, Cassian’s heart dropped.
The couple of people left had managed to cover up the bodies of the dead and were crouched over the one other body left. Cassian’s bad leg gave out at the sight, but he pushed himself back up and hobbled until he was finally back by Jyn’s side. She looked awful, as if at any many minute she might succumb to death, but she was still alive for the moment.
“Jyn, Jyn, I’m here, Jyn. I’m… I’m here,” Cassian said frantically, pushed her sweat-drenched hair out of her face. He’d almost forgotten he was in command now, of his squad and what was left of the Alpha Squadron. He looked up to see the expectant faces of his crew, waiting for what was next.
“Do you have the intel on the Empire?” Cassian asked, looking at Sandran, the pilot. The other man nodded and held up a small drivestick, silent as his eyes traveled back to Jyn. “Then get moving! C’mon! Help me with Jyn!”
Before Scarif, Cassian would’ve been able to carry her with ease. Hell, perhaps even a few days ago he would’ve been able to carry her on his own. But days without real sleep and overextending his leg had left him exhausted, powering on with only pure adrenaline. Together, he and Sandran carried Jyn back to the U-Wing with the rest of their bare-bones crew in tow.
Once they were back on the ship with the intel in tact, Cassian allowed Sandran to take over piloting while he stayed in the cargo hold with Jyn. He crouched over her protectively, bacta in hand, as he started to catalog the full extent of her injuries. He thought he might be sick.
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Sandran and Tam did their best to keep her comfortable, to apply as much first aid as they could, but when she'd been captured, she hadn't been treated very well in her two-day captivity. The bruises, scrapes and three broken fingers were obvious, as were the vibroknife slashes hiding underneath her clothing. But they were sure that the internal injuries were much, much worse. But there was nothing to be done for those here.
All they could do was keep watch over their fallen comrade, and wait for the extraction. If not for the fact that a defector had fed them the intel before losing her life in the process, they all knew that they were too big a liability to risk coming after.
It felt like a miracle when Cassian and his team appeared from the heavy jungle, although Sandran and Tam didn't have a chance to say much of anything, not when Cassian was so intent on getting to Jyn's side, first. His voice pulled her into consciousness once more, and she swallowed hard, humming softly as she tried to focus hazy eyes on him. "I knew you'd come - ", she started, soon falling back into silence, soon succumbing to her body's wish to rest, to try to heal, even though she was overcome by injury and infection both.
She wouldn't wake up again until she was safely onboard the U-Wing, and they were well underway back to frigid Hoth.
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He applied bacta patches over the vibroknife slashes and then got to work wrapping her midsection, hoping to stem the bleeding. I can’t fix this… Cassian thought helplessly. He could handle deep cuts and blaster wounds – but this… he couldn’t fix this. His heart pounded in his chest and he pressed the commlink that dangled from his jacket.
“Sandran, how far out are we from Hoth?” Cassian demanded as he fished through the medkit fruitlessly. There was nothing to help him. Nothing that would keep her alive.
“Four hours, Captain Andor,” Sandran replied, his voice quiet as if he were afraid of getting dressed down. Oh, Cassian wanted to yell and scream, but none of this was Sandran’s fault. Instead, Cassian switched his commlink back on and murmured a “copy that”. He looked down at Jyn once more and felt tears pricking his eyes – he couldn’t lose her. Not like that.
“Jyn…” Cassian started, his voice soft and sweet. He knelt closer to her, pressing his lips against her cold and clammy forehead. “Jyn, I don’t know what to do… please, please don’t leave me. We haven’t had enough time…” He wouldn’t be satisfied with just a few months of fucking behind closed doors on a frozen wasteland – she was so much more to him than just that.
Cassian carefully moved so that his back rested against the cold, durasteel wall of the U-Wing. Slowly, he moved her so that her head rested in his lap and off of the floor. For the next few hours, he sat in agony, constantly checking her pulse and her breathing amid quiet pleas for her not to leave him. He couldn’t lose her – not like that.
Sandran had comm’ed ahead for a medical team to be waiting for them as soon as they touched down on Hoth. Cassian was filled with some relief when the medical team burst through cargo hold, immediately ready to help Jyn. He tried standing to go after her, but his bad leg buckled underneath him as soon as he put his weight on it. So, he watched as they wheeled Jyn away and stayed rooted to his spot in the cargo hold. He closed his eyes and pled with the Force to keep her alive, whatever the cost. He couldn’t lose her.
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She thought she had murmured as much, but perhaps the words hadn't been clear, and perhaps he'd taken what little noise she could make as groans of pain rather than what they were meant to be. But then, she was practically incoherent, her body working overtime to keep her alive, wracked with fever and chills at the same time. It truly was a miracle that she'd held on so long.
She'd need another one to ensure that she made it to Hoth. Maybe hearing his voice helped her hold on just a little bit more firmly, when her entire body was screaming for her to let go. Please don't leave me, he'd said and she tried to answer never, never, I promise, but she couldn't be sure that he'd heard ... or that she'd even said anything at all.
Jyn wanted so much more than the time they'd been granted with each other thus far, too. And so, even in her delirium, she tried to hold onto things that hadn't yet come to pass. She imagined a time in which they wouldn't have to hide what they meant to each other. She imagined a home much like the one she'd shared with her mother and father, on the edge of the black sand beaches of Lah'mu. She imagined more laughter than sadness filling that home, and maybe - maybe, if they were incredibly lucky ... maybe someday having a family, too.
She held on.
She didn't regain consciousness when the medical team ripped her away from Cassian and rushed her to medbay in order to assess and try to treat her grievous injuries, the doctors murmuring to themselves that it was amazing that she'd lasted so long already with only basic medical care holding her together. For a full day after her return, nobody got any word as to her condition - no word at all other than the fact that she was taking her turn in the bacta tank, and they'd know more after her treatment was done.
But at least she was still alive.
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He asked about Jyn over and over and over again and was met with the same response – she is in a bacta tank, and they would know more about her condition later. It wasn’t good enough for Cassian, but then, until he saw for himself that she’d survived, nothing would be good enough for him. He was told to return after twenty-four hours had passed, and then they would be able to tell him more.
So Cassian left the med bay. He vaguely remembered getting a shower in the ‘fresher, vaguely remembered getting redressed and trying to rest fitfully on his cot. He didn’t get too long to try – about twelve hours after landing on Hoth once more, he was called for a meeting with General Draven.
“Captain Andor, it seems you proved me wrong after all,” Draven said in greeting when Cassian walked through the durasteel doors. Cassian leaned heavily on his crutches, too exhausted to argue or talk back to the General. “Just because I see all of you back doesn’t mean I don’t need your final write up. It’s been twelve hours, Captain.”
“I’m sorry, General…” Cassian replied, his voice even despite what he was feeling. “Had to get shots in my leg –“
“And harass the medical staff, I heard,” Draven interrupted. Cassian pushed his lips together in a thin, irritated line. “The med bay sent me your medical file. You’re going to be out of active duty for a while. I can’t stop what is going on between you and Erso but it is my… hope that you’ll come to your senses. You were my best spy once. You still could be, even with your injury.”
Cassian opened his mouth to speak, then closed it, then opened it once more although no words came out. “I will always be there for the Rebellion, sir. I will always be available to you and give whatever I need to give to see this through, regardless of the situation between Private Erso and I.”
Draven considered his words for a moment and then nodded, signaling Cassian’s dismissal. He immediately began the hobble back to the med bay, where he sat for another twelve hours until Jyn was finally released from the bacta tank and brought to a bed to rest and recover. It was only then that the med bots finally let Cassian see her – she was pale, but her skin was warm and he could see her breathing. It was enough for him at that moment.
Cassian found a chair and pulled it up to her bedside, resting his head down on the side of the bed with his hand placed on top of hers. It was only then that he finally allowed himself to get some rest until Jyn finally woke up.
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Sedation. Otherwise, she'd end up hurting herself all the worse when she was still literally only hanging on by a thread. Sure, the bacta had helped knit together some of her internal injuries, the broken bones and lacerated organs, but she still needed a lot of time to recover all the further. And nobody could say, still, if she would recover fully, either.
After all, some of her injuries had turned out to be complete surprises to even the doctors, the fractured vertebrae included.
Time would tell if she'd return to as close to normal as possible. They'd just have to wait and see. They'd done what they could. Now it was up to her body to heal.
Honestly, it wouldn't surprise her at all to hear that Cassian had been harassing the staff for any information on her condition. After all, when the tables had been turned and their positions had been switched, she'd done much the same. It wouldn't even surprise her to hear about Draven and the way he not so subtly intimated that whatever was going on between she and Cassian needed to come to an end.
But then, Jyn Erso had never been all that great with following orders, and this was one that she had no intention of obeying. He was her home, and she wasn't giving that up, or what they had, without one hell of a fight. She wasn't in any kind of shape to put one up, but stars help the first person that tried to come between them. They'd need it.
The next time that she came to, Jyn was surprised to find that she wasn't alone. There was Cassian, sitting in what she knew was the most uncomfortable chair on base, sleeping. She couldn't help the way her breath hitched in her throat, nor the gentle little squeeze of his hand, although she hoped that she wouldn't disturb him too much. It wasn't like she was going anywhere, after all.
She could cry, she's never seen a better sight.
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Slowly, he opened his eyes and lifted his head, groaning a bit from the crick that had formed while he’d been sleeping. This time when he looked at Jyn, he was met with her beautiful green eyes and not just her sleeping. His chest was suddenly so full he thought it might burst.
“Jyn…” Cassian said softly, his voice barely above a whisper. “Jyn… you’re alive. You made it.” He gingerly pushed himself up out of the chair with his good leg to lean over her and press a kiss to her forehead, and then a small, chaste one to her lips. For once he didn’t look around to see who, if anyone was watching – all of Hoth could get a good glimpse for all he cared. Jyn was alive.
He sat back down and pulled his chair closer, his fingers twined with hers. He wasn’t quite sure how much the bacta tank had healed her broken fingers and was careful not to apply too much pressure. “You came back to me, even if you did scare the shit out of me…”
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She could cry with the relief that she felt just looking at each other, just marveling at the fact that despite the odds, she was still alive, and he was with her, and it was almost totally overwhelming.
And then he spoke, and sounded so incredulous that she did allow a few tears to slip from her eyes, not even bothering to try to wipe them away, more concerned with reconnecting after far too much time apart, and yet another near-death experience. Jyn didn't much care if anyone else saw their reunion, nor the kiss, he needed it, and she needed it, and that was all that mattered.
"Still here", she managed to croak, her voice hoarse and hollow from disuse. "You're ... still stuck with me."
Her fingers were still stiff and painful, but there was no hesitation to hold on as tightly as she could manage. From here on out, she didn't know if she would ever be able to let go again. "I promised", she replied, fighting the urge to blurt out other words she knew she couldn't take back. "I will always come home to you."
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There was still a lot of questions around Jyn’s health. Sure, she was alive, but he’d been afraid to ask for a full report when the med droids allowed him in. After Scarif, he’d been submerged in bacta twice and still limped along with a permanently damaged leg and a bad back. There were some injuries that there was never enough bacta for, and Cassian suspected Jyn had acquired a few of her own from her mission.
Cassian started to tell her the safe words, started to whisper I am very fond of you, but those words seemed wholly inadequate. On the entire return flight back to Hoth, when he’d held Jyn and prayed to the Force to spare her life, all he could think about was all the time he’d wasted with her. All the time spent sneaking into quarters, dancing around his true feelings, and Draven had still figured them out despite their caution.
He stood once again and leaned over her, pressing a kiss to her temple. “I love you, Jyn,” Cassian said, his voice a whisper in her ear. He ran his fingers lightly through her hair, looking down at her as if she was the most precious thing in the universe. To him, she was.
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But Cassian was with her, touching her, and kissing her, and keeping her in the moment instead of lost in thoughts she shouldn't be fixating on yet. She was alive, and at the moment, that was what mattered.
She couldn't begin to guess what her recovery would entail, nor how well she actually would recover, but being awake and alert and mostly able to move was a start. She was sure that she'd be clued in, eventually, as to the extent of her injuries, and what her chances of a full recovery would be. Nothing was more important in the moment, though, than being with Cassian. She'd deal with the rest as it came, as she always did.
Jyn thought perhaps she'd imagined it - the words that she'd so desperately wanted to say and to hear in return. But, no, the breath against her ear was very real, and the way he looked at her, too, like maybe she was the best thing he'd ever seen, and - he loved her. He loved her, and she loved him, and she hadn't heard those words since she was a child, and although her body was still broken in a great many places, she'd never felt more whole. "Oh", Jyn murmured, silent for one long, excruciating moment. "I - I love you, too".
And she wanted to tell Cassian that she'd loved him since that beach on Scarif, for all that time they'd spent pretending that what they had, what they'd fallen into with each other was anything less, that she loved him with everything that she was and would ever be, but ... the only thing that he could do in her exhaustion, in the pain that she was still in was to lift her free hand and cover her face as best she could in order to obscure her helpless weeping.
Jyn Erso wasn't a weak person by nature, but damn, this was ... almost too much to handle.
"Sorry", she gasped, fighting desperately to regain some sense of control. "Sorry - I ... "
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The swell in his chest quickly deflated when she began to cry, an almost uncontrollable weep that Cassian could hardly bear. “Jyn, shhh, it’s okay,” he said softly, reaching for the hand that covered her face. He began to wipe her tears away as gently as his rough hands could.
“You have nothing to be sorry for…” he said softly, feeling his own eyes begin to prick with tears. He swallowed the bevy of emotion that threatened to break through. For the moment, he had to be strong for Jyn and hold on tight to his emotions. Later, when he found a moment along, he would choose to break down.
“When all this is over and you’re feeling better, I swear I’m never letting you leave my bed,” Cassian said, forcing himself to laugh despite how constricted his chest felt. He brushed her hair back out of her face and kissed Jyn’s lips once more as he tried to control his shaking hands. She was alive. He couldn’t ask for anything more.
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