bakerstreet | heart meme

[Boss sighed. It was a deep, heavy sigh, as if he had been laden with a ton of brick on his shoulders with no way of lifting them off easily. The phantom was part of the plan. The part Zero had enforced so that Boss could escape the hospital easier and run off with Ocelot. Was it cowardice or just situation? He hated telling his friend that he had replaced himself with a copy.]

It's complicated. The phantom existed so I could escape from the hospital with Ocelot whilst V took my place. It wasn't about hurting you, Kaz. None of this was about hurting you or abandoning anyone.

[He inhaled on his cigar and blew the smoke upwards, whilst chewing on the tip. Shit. Why did it have to come to this? Kaz had a right to know though. He had to know. Boss wiped some blood off his nose with the back of his arm and looked at the blond.]

Zero constructed the idea of the phantom and with Ocelot's help it came to happen. I wanted to tell you but I couldn't. It got complicated.

[That's all he could say. What else could he say? He ran off to start Outer Heaven while Venom Snake started Diamond Dogs.]

[briefly, he wants to hit Boss again. it'd be easier than dealing with this. this just hurts, and his voice comes out defeated.]

It always comes back to Zero and Cipher, doesn't it? I never should have gotten involved with them.

Still. You hurt that medic, badly. Screwed him up for life. Do you know he doesn't know who he is anymore? It's not just a cover-- he actually thinks he's you. He'll never be the person he used to be again.

But was that even your fault? Was it Zero, really? Ocelot? Were you just a pawn in all of this, too?

[part of him wants to go on the war path again and kill Zero, for this and for keeping Boss from him for so long. a much bigger part of him is hollow and wrung out and just wants to collapse, now that things are complicated and Boss isn't an easy target for the storm of hatred in him.]

[Boss wouldn't flinch if Kaz did indeed go to hit him again. Why not? He made people angry. Whether it was his actions or the actions of those around him, people were angry.]

Yeah, it does. The guy is the cause of all of it. [What Zero wanted out of Big Boss; the legend. What he wanted the legendary soldier to carry out. Even in a coma the man was still alive in name and not being. Venom took the mantle upon himself, or rather was forced to take it upon himself, even when the real Big Boss was asleep, dead to the world.]

Don't blame yourself, Kaz. You couldn't have known. None of us could. [Could he? No. This wasn't what he had planned at all. It shouldn't have been lie this. Screwing people over wasn't his style.]

I know. Ahab didn't have to got through what he did. The guy deserved better. [Yeah.]

Ocelot was just a tool in the works. He was doing his job just like everyone else. Yet, he did it because he cared about me. The guy devoted his life to the name Big Boss. The legend.

[Snake didn't think of himself as a legend at all. He was a man; a killer. A soldier. Yet, Ocelot had always looked up to him since he was Naked Snake.]

We're all pawns, Kaz. One way or another.

Edited 2016-06-28 09:47 (UTC)

[Kaz almost replies with something along the lines of 'I devoted my life to you as a person, not as a legend, and that didn't get me into the loop', but it sounds a little too much like a high school girl who's just been dumped for his comfort. being jealous of Ocelot like that always makes him feel about fourteen years old.]

[instead he lets out a long, long sigh, and his posture curls inwards. his emotions threaten to get the better of him, but he bites the inside of his cheek and wills his voice not to crack again.]

Yeah. I guess we are.

Wasn't that your dream? To build a place where we weren't tools of the government or anyone else?

Edited 2016-06-29 00:04 (UTC)

[He hears the sigh and clenches his jaw. He hates hearing you so depressed because of him, Kaz. Just one man making such a mess of the world.]

Yeah and it still is. I won't let Zero or Cipher take that away from us. [Because he's damned if he is going to let his dream fall apart now. Their dream. Just because he was in a coma doesn't mean he can't do things now. At least he's awake now.]

Better start rebuilding what we lost, huh?

[and conversations with Kaz, particularly emotionally intense ones, continue to be akin to walking through a minefield.]

[his lips curls in disgust.]

You're sure assuming a lot, that it's 'we'. You didn't have much of a problem building that dream without me, and I'm not about to come running back.

[He should have expected that. Boss sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. It was all fucked up mainly because of Zero but it included him too. Would Kaz ever want to fight by his side again? After what he went through? Boss didn't blame him if he turned around and walked away from him. Yet, the old soldier wouldn't be able to forgive himself if that happened.]

You're right. But I'm damned if I'm going to give up on you again. Zero can go to hell.

Wait nine years for me, then. Maybe then I'll come back. Maybe not.

[his hand starts to shake, and he isn't sure whether he wants to scream or cry.]

[it's all he wanted, for nine years, to come back and have a home. to have Boss by his side. but Cipher is dead, Kaz's phantom pains still tear at him at night, and nothing ever will be the way it was, even after ~~their~~ his vengeance is complete. the only thing that changed was that he'd had what he'd thought was Boss by his side as some kind of rock to keep him from drifting out to sea entirely. now, he didn't even have that-- he'd drawn a careful distance between himself and the Phantom, and planned to keep it that way.]

[this is the pain he never leveled at the Phantom, because he was so relived to be done waiting and so wrapped up in chasing Cipher that the magnitide of what he'd given up for all those years had never really registered. what did he give up, really? a part of him wonders. what else would he have done? it doesn't matter. he could have done something, even if he can't picture doing anything else at all.]

[it's been nine years. he hates him. he loves him. he wants to curl into his arms and cry so hard he can't breathe. he wants to wrap his hands around his throat and watch the light leave his eyes. none of those feelings are rational. none of them have ever been rational.]

[but Kaz realizes something. killing Skullface didn't make it stop hurting. killing Boss won't make it stop hurting, either. and it's not out of some kind of sudden pacifist understanding of revenge. it's because it registers that nothing will make him stop hurting. ever.]

[there's no point to killing Boss.]

Tell me why I should come back.

Edited 2016-07-28 16:33 (UTC)

[Good point. Snake could never had known what it felt like to have been waiting nine years for a close friend. A man he trusted. Kaz had gone through hell and back while he was lying on a warm bed breathing and not doing much else. Little more than a human vegetable. The blond had endured so much he couldn't even begin to try and understand. Damn right he was angry. Boss couldn't fault him for that.

What would he have done? If he had to wait instead of Kaz? Shit. That was tough. Yet, what about the past? The memories and experiences they had both shared back at MSF? Surely, that was Boss's life line at this moment. It was what he was clutching onto to save their friendship. Or to save whatever was left of their friendship.]

The past. The memories and experiences we shared that made us into the men we are now. Everyday I was grateful to have you by my side, Kazuhira. We fought, we won, we sometimes lost. We were a team. The coma ripped that away from me and made me into a useless vegetable of a man. A man who couldn't fight. Every moment of my being on that bed I wanted to get up and fight. I wanted to be beside you and do what I was born to do. To fight for what is right. For our beliefs and ideals. The men we're designed to be in this chaotic world.

[Yep. Not often he ever used the man's full first name. Not often he spoke a lot like this but dammit he had to.]

[he listens, quietly, but something about the use of his full name gut-punches him. no one calls him that. it's so rare that it feels like yobisute, somehow, even though that's not at all the same thing and he knows it.]

['memories we shared'. 'we fought, we won, we sometimes lost'. 'I wanted to be beside you'. the words echo through his head.]

[he takes a moment to steady himself, but something catches in his throat, and when he speaks it's rough, like he's about to cry.]

Yeah. I guess that's true, isn't it? I am who I am because of you, even after all this time. And you're the same. And everything we fought for, it was always...

[he takes a deep breath, tries to hold it together and keep from breaking down entirely.]

I-- I've never told anyone this. But when you were-- after the crash, they kept putting me under. I fought it. Kept telling them not to-- you couldn't fight. I said... a lot of things, I think, morphine is a hell of a drug. But I tried, more than anything, to protect you. To fight for you when you couldn't do it yourself. It didn't work, Zero would have taken you no matter what, but I always thought... wondered if...

Shit. I don't know where I'm going with this, telling you how I did my best to run a small hospital out of seda-- morphene's not supposed to be used as a-- that's not the point.

[Boss could also reach out and touch the emotion that was laced in every word that came out of his friend's lips. Was it sadness? Anger, remorse? All of it? The man was a mess and it was because of him. Dammit, he wishes he never even got knocked into the fucking coma.

He swallowed thickly and frowned deeply. Dammit, Kazuhira. You're a fighter and Boss knows this. How much he knows this. Hearing those words come out of your mouth is making him almost tremble with anger. At himself. At Zero. At everything. The poor guy. He should never have been made to fight against something that wasn't even his fault.]

Kaz....

....

...you're a fighter. You're the bravest man I've ever known and I'm so fucking proud of you. Damn Zero. Damn it all. Dammit.....you fought for me and I couldn't do a damn thing.

[Boss clenched his fists and gritted his teeth.]

I can guess the medics had a hard time with you. Tough son of a bitch. [He couldn't help but reach out and grip Kaz's shoulder, squeezing.]

You know even know how this makes me feel, hearing this. It's surreal. It's an act of bravery. You're an honourable man, Kaz. Never giving up on your comrades even near death. Dammit, I wish I could have done more. I should have done more.

[he feels hate, love, fear, anger, emptiness, regret, sadness, loneliness. more of the later ones than the earlier. Kaz's shoulders start to shake, and he lets out a choked sound that's something between laughing and crying. Boss being proud of him shouldn't mean as much as it does. but Kaz had always admired him, looked up to him. apparently, he still does.]

You're calling me honorable? After.. after the first time we met, I tried to kill you with a dirty trick?

[he shoves at Boss' chest in a gesture that's almost playful, with a cracked smile.]

If you could've moved a pinky, you'd have taken them all down, I'm sure of it. I've never met anyone like you. You know-- [another shaky half-sob half-laugh] --there were so many times I was listening on codec and I thought 'this is it, he's going to die for sure'. But you never did. Even now, you pulled your ass out of a nine-year coma and kept going.

Do you remember? I think the last thing I said to you was "Don't you die on me". If you didn't do any more, it's because doing more was an impossibility. And an impossibility even you couldn't power through.

[which he says with absolute faith and confidence.]

Edited 2016-07-29 21:23 (UTC)

Yeah, I am. You are honourable, Kaz. No matter what anyone else says or what you think. I know you are.

[There. He said it. He had to. The dirty trick? He'd pass you for that one. That was a long time ago now and nothing compared to what he did to you. Left you for nine years in a coma then lied behind your back, replacing himself with another man. Dirty trick? Yeah. That was hardly anything.]

I couldn't move a damn muscle while on that bed. They pumped me full of god knows what too. [Drugs? Morphine? Who the hell knew. All he did know was that he couldn't move or open his eyes. All he could do was keep breathing. He had to.]

Yeah, I remember. I wanted to reach out and touch your arm but I couldn't. My muscles didn't want to damn work. [For that he was so pissed off at himself. That, or the medical staff pumping him full of drugs. He could have tried harder but what could he had done apart from just touch Kaz? The crash.....it was all over so quick. So fucking quick.]

If I had my way I would have got up and smashed everyone to the floor, grabbed you and carried you out of the damn hospital. Where we'd go is another matter but better than being stuck in there.

[Boss never had liked hospitals or medics. He'd always done his own injuries himself, even when out in the jungle back when he was a rookie. Stitching, suturing, disinfecting. All of it. He sighed and brushed his hand down Kaz's good arm.]

If I could turn the clock back nine years to before the crash and change everything. I would.

[nope, the statement that Boss had tried to reach out to touch him, to reassure him makes Kaz start to cry. but he's laughing wildly, hysterically between sobs, and he's pretty sure this is what it feels like to finally lose his mind.]

You'd have carried me? I was in better shape than you were! I'd have--

[--told you to stay in the hospital, probably, and reminded you that modern medicine exists for a reason and we don't have to fix ourselves with knives heated over campfires now, but that's beside the point.]

It doesn't matter. There's nothing we can change now. The damage is done. Skullface is dead. And...

[he doesn't know what 'and' means, but he reaches out to grip Boss' hand. it feels right. he wants to pull back, to salvage his pride, bare his teeth because it's all he knows how to do anymore, but Boss is... just as screwed up as he is over all of this. or maybe not. pain can't really be compared. but he can't just push him away.]

[Shit. The reaction coming out of his comrade is crossed between worry and amusement. Boss didn't know if the guy was crying or laughing. It was almost cruel to watch him like this.]

Yeah. I would have carried you. Even if my legs were broken I would have crawled with you if I could.

[He clenched his jaw and sighed. Damn. He would have done that! At the grip of his hand Boss froze. Was this Kaz trying to show how much he actually cared? Or was this something to anchor his emotion onto? Either way the old soldier clasped the blond's hand back, feeling the tension lift slightly.]

He's dead. Good. One less son of a bitch left in this world. [Boss did not let of of Kaz's hand but just stared at the other man. He felt numb. He couldn't move. He wanted this.]

[he doesn't reply, doesn't trust himself to reply to Boss' continued affirmation that he cares about Kaz or how he doesn't pull away. so instead Kaz grips Boss' hand like its the last thing in the universe and breathes, tries to calm down and stop laugh-sobbing or whatever the hell he's doing. if he wasn't already having an emotional breakdown, this would be utterly humiliating, but any sort of shame is completely drowned out by all the other feelings coursing through him.]

[most of a minute goes by in silence, and he interlaces his fingers with Boss'. his breathing slows into something resembling normal. but his emotions have ascended into some kind of higher place where nothing is real. everything seems distant, hollow, dreamlike, like a pure white room in the ringing silence after grenade's gone off too close. when he speaks, even his own voice sounds distant to his own ears, and he's not looking at him.]

Shit. I was in love with you back then, you know that? I never told you. Didn't know how.

[it's not quiet, or embarrassed, or any of the right feelings for that sort of statement. it's even, hollow, and totally devoid of emotion, a statement of fact. he doesn't even care what Boss has to say about that, is past caring, just wants to let that out like one might drain pus out of a wound.]

[He felt numb. Physically and mentally. His mouth had gone dry and Kaz's statement about being in love with him. Had he known? Of course he had. The man had shown how much devotion and respect he could offer Snake. He just hoped that Kaz realised that he too had loved him. He had loved Kaz as a buddy, comrade and soul mate. A lover. He had found the blond physically attractive and had often wondered what it would be like to sleep with such a man.]

Of course I know. How could I not? You were always there for me, Kaz. Shit. I loved you too.

[He said it. Even though Boss was oblivious to love back then or even sex. He was asexual and hadn't a clue about expressing deep feeling to anyone, yet there was always Kaz. He was close to Snake at the times he needed him. During a mission or just even drinking with him back at base. The guy deserved better than this shit.]

Wished I'd done more for you, Kaz. You deserve so much better.

[the distance and the surrealism of the situation increases. while it's easy, instinctive, for Kaz to love someone else, the idea of being loved in return is... strange. it's not because he somehow considers himself unlovable. it's not because no one's ever said it to him before-- plenty of girls have, a few he's dated, a few that just got caught up in the moment, none of whom had seen for a second any part of Kaz he didn't want them to see. it's strange because to truly love someone and have it mean anything, you have to know them, have seen the core of who they are.]

[and Boss does know him like that, or did then. he'd seen who Kaz really was, and had known the most fundamental part of what made Kaz himself, and loved that. it's strange, realizing that those words coming from Boss carried weight and meant something.]

[but something clicks into place in his chest, and it hurts a little less.]

[he wonders if he's hallucinating, and none of this is real, because that'd somehow be easier to deal with than the real, in-the-flesh Big Boss telling him everything he's ever wanted to hear, that he'd never wanted to abandon anyone and he loves him and wants to protect him. life doesn't work that way. people don't work that way. so it's not real, can't be. but Kaz will go along with it anyway.]

[and then he laughs. it's low, and genuine, and not wracked with sobs this time, but it's still not really the appropriate emotion at the moment. but it's so funny, that they'd been in love with each other the entire time and neither one of them had nutted up and said anything at all. it was so obvious looking back, wasn't it? had it been obvious to everyone else, too? would it have made those nine years more painful, or less, knowing that the feelings he'd never given voice to were returned?]

Was I that obvious about it? I thought I was being pretty convincingly platonic.

[That laugh. Kaz was actually laughing now. It felt so damn good to hear him actually laugh for real and not sob or become wracked with anger. How long had it been since he'd heard his comrade laugh? Too long.]

We were both younger back then. I could tell that we were more than friends, Kaz. The way we looked at each other and did things that other guys didn't. The lovebox. The sunset "liasons" by the beach. That was a sign that we cared for one another outside of the sandbox of war.

[Boss couldn't help but hitch back a small sob of his own. Fuck. He couldn't help his actions, as he wrapped two strong arms around his friend, no, his previous lover, and held onto him. Was this real?]

Dammit, Kaz. Fuck it all.

[...and for a long moment, Kaz doesn't have the foggiest clue how to react to being hugged. admittedly, being raised Japanese, he's never been an amazingly touchy person by Western standards, usually just tolerated the overwhelmingly common physical affection of damn near everybody around him, even if most of it came in the form of shoves and backslaps and some weird kind of very short hug that only existed between grown men. but all of that had faded off as he'd fashioned himself as a leader of the remains of MSF, instead of an equal comrade. and then there had been the touches of women which, while he had eagerly reciprocated, had also become less and less as time went on.]

[in short, it's been several years since Kaz has been hugged in any capacity, and the feeling is very, very strange. he tries to relax into it, remember how this used to be, wraps his single arm back around Boss and buries his face in his neck.]

[why is he shaking?]

Yeah, but sex isn't the same as love. Even if you're friends.

[Snake didn't reply but instead held Kaz close as if he'd lose the man again. That wasn't going to happen again. It couldn't. He'd already fucked up once and he wasn't about to lose his comrade again due to means beyond his control. His fingers reached up to slide through the dirty blond locks at the base of his neck, as he sighed.]

Yeah. Whatever it was we had I liked it.

[He fucking loved it.]

[he starts to relax at the feeling of Snake's fingers on the back of his neck, closes his eyes. maybe he's selfishly trying to pretend for a moment that things are the way they used to be. maybe this is the only place things have felt like they might be okay, like Kaz might be okay--]

[that's probably it. the Phantom's arms had felt the same way, before Kaz had found out the truth and wheeled on him the next time he'd tried to touch him, realized he'd shown more of himself than he'd ever wanted to show anyone, even Snake, to a stranger and made the Phantom call him Miller when they were alone and avoided his very presence until the wound scabbed over and he could look at the Phantom again without hating him. but knowing what he knows now, if the Phantom really was a psychological copy, he likely loved Kaz too. and as he realizes that, Kaz feels a little guilty. but not much. a kiss from the Phantom would turn to ashes in his mouth now. having anyone but the real one, the one he'd fought and bled with, no matter how convincing a replica was just... insulting. not right. made his skin crawl and the back his head scream 'LIAR'.]

[--but it's real this time, unless it isn't, and honestly, he's not sure what he'll do if it isn't. he wraps his fingers in Snake's jacket to try and convince himself of the reality of the situation, which doesn't work. but Snake smells strongly of cigars, as always, and that's somehow grounding.]

It was... Do you know how many times-- screw the fact that Diamond Dogs was a wreck without you to lead them --I'd have killed an innocent person just to talk to you for five minutes? To use you as a sounding board for battle tactics. To ask you the best way to talk down a mutiny. To ask you if you'd heard of some famous general I'd just finished reading about, and what you thought of him. To just sit there in goddamn silence and have a smoke with you.

And I'm not trying to throw this on you, don't apologize, it's just... shit, Snake. I had it bad for you. Really, really bad. Maybe that was why I could never let go, why I couldn't give up on you waking up and move on. I've never loved anyone like that, not ever. Not even close.

I'm just... I don't know what I'm doing. Running my mouth because I don't know what else to do, maybe. What do we do? Where do we go from here? What are you trying to do with Outer Heaven?

[Snake breathed a little easier feeling Kaz relax a little in his arms. His gloved fingers caressing the nape of his comrade's neck, brushing over the small strands of blond hair beneath his beret. Damn, he didn't want to let go. If he did would he ever see his friend again?

Kaz's words caused Boss to sigh. What the hell could he tell the guy? About Outer Heaven? Shit, he just wanted to stop being hunted and built a better world. A base where soldiers could fight for what they believed in, instead of being told what to do by governments.]

I had it bad for you too, Kaz. I was just too stupid and naïve to act upon any feeling I had for you. I didn't know how to show my feelings to you.

[Also, given the time and place, being gay wasn't exactly the safest option to choose in the military.]

That.....that means a lot to me. That you listened to me talk a load of crap and watched me smoke. [Dammit, Kaz. Snake swallowed thickly and buried his face in the crook of his friend's neck, inhaling deeply. Shit. He even smelled the same as before. The smell that only a man who worked with someone so closely could know.]

Outer Heaven? [He rasped the words against Kaz's ear.] Build it up. Recruit more soldiers. Create the paradise, free of constraints and fulfil the dream. Something like that.

[well, at least they'd both been stupid that way. it makes him feel a little better, that Boss had been fighting the same internal battle, wanting desperately to share those feelings but not knowing how to say or show them. not even out of a sense of cowardice. just because everything he could think of to say or do seemed wrong, and it seemed like there'd be time to figure it out. and as it had turned out, there hadn't been time.]

[he shivers involuntarily at the feeling of Boss' breath against him and his voice in his ear. it's low, familiar and long-lost at the same time, and for the first time Kaz registers how close they really are. when he lets out a bitter laugh, it's a little breathless.]

And what? Hope it goes better this time? I'll leave Diamond Dogs behind and try a third time? When do we give up and just accept it's not going to happen? What if there'll always be nations and ideologies dragging people in and making them fight their own comrades, shipping them off to senseless deaths?

Maybe there's no point. [he spits out the word angrily] Maybe everything we wanted was an impossibility from the start. "We live in an age in which there is no heroic death", after all.

[Boss felt that shiver and felt a comfort knowing Kaz might actually be enjoying their close proximity like he used to. It was a long shot but Snake wanted to hold onto any positive emotion coming from the man he loved.]

I..I don't know.

[How the hell could he answer that? He didn't even know himself. He'd fucked up and wanted to put things right, but how? He couldn't afford to lose Kaz again. At the blond's words the toughened warlord sighed and closed his eye. He could feel Kaz's anger so close to his heart but didn't move away.]

There's always a point to living, Kaz. That much I know. Dying is overrated anyway. Whatever happens I won't lose you again. I can't afford to. I fucked up once and I'm not going to fuck up again.

heart meme

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soooo late and I'm sorry. blame Overwatch.

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he's quoting Yukio Mishima

Re: ahhh all the quotes :D

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omg this thread. I don't want it to end...

i'm dead tbh. also gl boss he just hinged his sanity on you in a wildly unhealthy way.

Re: it's so touching. poor boys.

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round 2 of completely putting his remaining sanity in boss' hands

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