bakerstreet | heart meme

[he feels hate, love, fear, anger, emptiness, regret, sadness, loneliness. more of the later ones than the earlier. Kaz's shoulders start to shake, and he lets out a choked sound that's something between laughing and crying. Boss being proud of him shouldn't mean as much as it does. but Kaz had always admired him, looked up to him. apparently, he still does.]

You're calling me honorable? After.. after the first time we met, I tried to kill you with a dirty trick?

[he shoves at Boss' chest in a gesture that's almost playful, with a cracked smile.]

If you could've moved a pinky, you'd have taken them all down, I'm sure of it. I've never met anyone like you. You know-- [another shaky half-sob half-laugh] --there were so many times I was listening on codec and I thought 'this is it, he's going to die for sure'. But you never did. Even now, you pulled your ass out of a nine-year coma and kept going.

Do you remember? I think the last thing I said to you was "Don't you die on me". If you didn't do any more, it's because doing more was an impossibility. And an impossibility even you couldn't power through.

[which he says with absolute faith and confidence.]

Edited 2016-07-29 21:23 (UTC)

Yeah, I am. You are honourable, Kaz. No matter what anyone else says or what you think. I know you are.

[There. He said it. He had to. The dirty trick? He'd pass you for that one. That was a long time ago now and nothing compared to what he did to you. Left you for nine years in a coma then lied behind your back, replacing himself with another man. Dirty trick? Yeah. That was hardly anything.]

I couldn't move a damn muscle while on that bed. They pumped me full of god knows what too. [Drugs? Morphine? Who the hell knew. All he did know was that he couldn't move or open his eyes. All he could do was keep breathing. He had to.]

Yeah, I remember. I wanted to reach out and touch your arm but I couldn't. My muscles didn't want to damn work. [For that he was so pissed off at himself. That, or the medical staff pumping him full of drugs. He could have tried harder but what could he had done apart from just touch Kaz? The crash.....it was all over so quick. So fucking quick.]

If I had my way I would have got up and smashed everyone to the floor, grabbed you and carried you out of the damn hospital. Where we'd go is another matter but better than being stuck in there.

[Boss never had liked hospitals or medics. He'd always done his own injuries himself, even when out in the jungle back when he was a rookie. Stitching, suturing, disinfecting. All of it. He sighed and brushed his hand down Kaz's good arm.]

If I could turn the clock back nine years to before the crash and change everything. I would.

[nope, the statement that Boss had tried to reach out to touch him, to reassure him makes Kaz start to cry. but he's laughing wildly, hysterically between sobs, and he's pretty sure this is what it feels like to finally lose his mind.]

You'd have carried me? I was in better shape than you were! I'd have--

[--told you to stay in the hospital, probably, and reminded you that modern medicine exists for a reason and we don't have to fix ourselves with knives heated over campfires now, but that's beside the point.]

It doesn't matter. There's nothing we can change now. The damage is done. Skullface is dead. And...

[he doesn't know what 'and' means, but he reaches out to grip Boss' hand. it feels right. he wants to pull back, to salvage his pride, bare his teeth because it's all he knows how to do anymore, but Boss is... just as screwed up as he is over all of this. or maybe not. pain can't really be compared. but he can't just push him away.]

[Shit. The reaction coming out of his comrade is crossed between worry and amusement. Boss didn't know if the guy was crying or laughing. It was almost cruel to watch him like this.]

Yeah. I would have carried you. Even if my legs were broken I would have crawled with you if I could.

[He clenched his jaw and sighed. Damn. He would have done that! At the grip of his hand Boss froze. Was this Kaz trying to show how much he actually cared? Or was this something to anchor his emotion onto? Either way the old soldier clasped the blond's hand back, feeling the tension lift slightly.]

He's dead. Good. One less son of a bitch left in this world. [Boss did not let of of Kaz's hand but just stared at the other man. He felt numb. He couldn't move. He wanted this.]

[he doesn't reply, doesn't trust himself to reply to Boss' continued affirmation that he cares about Kaz or how he doesn't pull away. so instead Kaz grips Boss' hand like its the last thing in the universe and breathes, tries to calm down and stop laugh-sobbing or whatever the hell he's doing. if he wasn't already having an emotional breakdown, this would be utterly humiliating, but any sort of shame is completely drowned out by all the other feelings coursing through him.]

[most of a minute goes by in silence, and he interlaces his fingers with Boss'. his breathing slows into something resembling normal. but his emotions have ascended into some kind of higher place where nothing is real. everything seems distant, hollow, dreamlike, like a pure white room in the ringing silence after grenade's gone off too close. when he speaks, even his own voice sounds distant to his own ears, and he's not looking at him.]

Shit. I was in love with you back then, you know that? I never told you. Didn't know how.

[it's not quiet, or embarrassed, or any of the right feelings for that sort of statement. it's even, hollow, and totally devoid of emotion, a statement of fact. he doesn't even care what Boss has to say about that, is past caring, just wants to let that out like one might drain pus out of a wound.]

[He felt numb. Physically and mentally. His mouth had gone dry and Kaz's statement about being in love with him. Had he known? Of course he had. The man had shown how much devotion and respect he could offer Snake. He just hoped that Kaz realised that he too had loved him. He had loved Kaz as a buddy, comrade and soul mate. A lover. He had found the blond physically attractive and had often wondered what it would be like to sleep with such a man.]

Of course I know. How could I not? You were always there for me, Kaz. Shit. I loved you too.

[He said it. Even though Boss was oblivious to love back then or even sex. He was asexual and hadn't a clue about expressing deep feeling to anyone, yet there was always Kaz. He was close to Snake at the times he needed him. During a mission or just even drinking with him back at base. The guy deserved better than this shit.]

Wished I'd done more for you, Kaz. You deserve so much better.

[the distance and the surrealism of the situation increases. while it's easy, instinctive, for Kaz to love someone else, the idea of being loved in return is... strange. it's not because he somehow considers himself unlovable. it's not because no one's ever said it to him before-- plenty of girls have, a few he's dated, a few that just got caught up in the moment, none of whom had seen for a second any part of Kaz he didn't want them to see. it's strange because to truly love someone and have it mean anything, you have to know them, have seen the core of who they are.]

[and Boss does know him like that, or did then. he'd seen who Kaz really was, and had known the most fundamental part of what made Kaz himself, and loved that. it's strange, realizing that those words coming from Boss carried weight and meant something.]

[but something clicks into place in his chest, and it hurts a little less.]

[he wonders if he's hallucinating, and none of this is real, because that'd somehow be easier to deal with than the real, in-the-flesh Big Boss telling him everything he's ever wanted to hear, that he'd never wanted to abandon anyone and he loves him and wants to protect him. life doesn't work that way. people don't work that way. so it's not real, can't be. but Kaz will go along with it anyway.]

[and then he laughs. it's low, and genuine, and not wracked with sobs this time, but it's still not really the appropriate emotion at the moment. but it's so funny, that they'd been in love with each other the entire time and neither one of them had nutted up and said anything at all. it was so obvious looking back, wasn't it? had it been obvious to everyone else, too? would it have made those nine years more painful, or less, knowing that the feelings he'd never given voice to were returned?]

Was I that obvious about it? I thought I was being pretty convincingly platonic.

[That laugh. Kaz was actually laughing now. It felt so damn good to hear him actually laugh for real and not sob or become wracked with anger. How long had it been since he'd heard his comrade laugh? Too long.]

We were both younger back then. I could tell that we were more than friends, Kaz. The way we looked at each other and did things that other guys didn't. The lovebox. The sunset "liasons" by the beach. That was a sign that we cared for one another outside of the sandbox of war.

[Boss couldn't help but hitch back a small sob of his own. Fuck. He couldn't help his actions, as he wrapped two strong arms around his friend, no, his previous lover, and held onto him. Was this real?]

Dammit, Kaz. Fuck it all.

[...and for a long moment, Kaz doesn't have the foggiest clue how to react to being hugged. admittedly, being raised Japanese, he's never been an amazingly touchy person by Western standards, usually just tolerated the overwhelmingly common physical affection of damn near everybody around him, even if most of it came in the form of shoves and backslaps and some weird kind of very short hug that only existed between grown men. but all of that had faded off as he'd fashioned himself as a leader of the remains of MSF, instead of an equal comrade. and then there had been the touches of women which, while he had eagerly reciprocated, had also become less and less as time went on.]

[in short, it's been several years since Kaz has been hugged in any capacity, and the feeling is very, very strange. he tries to relax into it, remember how this used to be, wraps his single arm back around Boss and buries his face in his neck.]

[why is he shaking?]

Yeah, but sex isn't the same as love. Even if you're friends.

[Snake didn't reply but instead held Kaz close as if he'd lose the man again. That wasn't going to happen again. It couldn't. He'd already fucked up once and he wasn't about to lose his comrade again due to means beyond his control. His fingers reached up to slide through the dirty blond locks at the base of his neck, as he sighed.]

Yeah. Whatever it was we had I liked it.

[He fucking loved it.]

[he starts to relax at the feeling of Snake's fingers on the back of his neck, closes his eyes. maybe he's selfishly trying to pretend for a moment that things are the way they used to be. maybe this is the only place things have felt like they might be okay, like Kaz might be okay--]

[that's probably it. the Phantom's arms had felt the same way, before Kaz had found out the truth and wheeled on him the next time he'd tried to touch him, realized he'd shown more of himself than he'd ever wanted to show anyone, even Snake, to a stranger and made the Phantom call him Miller when they were alone and avoided his very presence until the wound scabbed over and he could look at the Phantom again without hating him. but knowing what he knows now, if the Phantom really was a psychological copy, he likely loved Kaz too. and as he realizes that, Kaz feels a little guilty. but not much. a kiss from the Phantom would turn to ashes in his mouth now. having anyone but the real one, the one he'd fought and bled with, no matter how convincing a replica was just... insulting. not right. made his skin crawl and the back his head scream 'LIAR'.]

[--but it's real this time, unless it isn't, and honestly, he's not sure what he'll do if it isn't. he wraps his fingers in Snake's jacket to try and convince himself of the reality of the situation, which doesn't work. but Snake smells strongly of cigars, as always, and that's somehow grounding.]

It was... Do you know how many times-- screw the fact that Diamond Dogs was a wreck without you to lead them --I'd have killed an innocent person just to talk to you for five minutes? To use you as a sounding board for battle tactics. To ask you the best way to talk down a mutiny. To ask you if you'd heard of some famous general I'd just finished reading about, and what you thought of him. To just sit there in goddamn silence and have a smoke with you.

And I'm not trying to throw this on you, don't apologize, it's just... shit, Snake. I had it bad for you. Really, really bad. Maybe that was why I could never let go, why I couldn't give up on you waking up and move on. I've never loved anyone like that, not ever. Not even close.

I'm just... I don't know what I'm doing. Running my mouth because I don't know what else to do, maybe. What do we do? Where do we go from here? What are you trying to do with Outer Heaven?

[Snake breathed a little easier feeling Kaz relax a little in his arms. His gloved fingers caressing the nape of his comrade's neck, brushing over the small strands of blond hair beneath his beret. Damn, he didn't want to let go. If he did would he ever see his friend again?

Kaz's words caused Boss to sigh. What the hell could he tell the guy? About Outer Heaven? Shit, he just wanted to stop being hunted and built a better world. A base where soldiers could fight for what they believed in, instead of being told what to do by governments.]

I had it bad for you too, Kaz. I was just too stupid and naïve to act upon any feeling I had for you. I didn't know how to show my feelings to you.

[Also, given the time and place, being gay wasn't exactly the safest option to choose in the military.]

That.....that means a lot to me. That you listened to me talk a load of crap and watched me smoke. [Dammit, Kaz. Snake swallowed thickly and buried his face in the crook of his friend's neck, inhaling deeply. Shit. He even smelled the same as before. The smell that only a man who worked with someone so closely could know.]

Outer Heaven? [He rasped the words against Kaz's ear.] Build it up. Recruit more soldiers. Create the paradise, free of constraints and fulfil the dream. Something like that.

[well, at least they'd both been stupid that way. it makes him feel a little better, that Boss had been fighting the same internal battle, wanting desperately to share those feelings but not knowing how to say or show them. not even out of a sense of cowardice. just because everything he could think of to say or do seemed wrong, and it seemed like there'd be time to figure it out. and as it had turned out, there hadn't been time.]

[he shivers involuntarily at the feeling of Boss' breath against him and his voice in his ear. it's low, familiar and long-lost at the same time, and for the first time Kaz registers how close they really are. when he lets out a bitter laugh, it's a little breathless.]

And what? Hope it goes better this time? I'll leave Diamond Dogs behind and try a third time? When do we give up and just accept it's not going to happen? What if there'll always be nations and ideologies dragging people in and making them fight their own comrades, shipping them off to senseless deaths?

Maybe there's no point. [he spits out the word angrily] Maybe everything we wanted was an impossibility from the start. "We live in an age in which there is no heroic death", after all.

[Boss felt that shiver and felt a comfort knowing Kaz might actually be enjoying their close proximity like he used to. It was a long shot but Snake wanted to hold onto any positive emotion coming from the man he loved.]

I..I don't know.

[How the hell could he answer that? He didn't even know himself. He'd fucked up and wanted to put things right, but how? He couldn't afford to lose Kaz again. At the blond's words the toughened warlord sighed and closed his eye. He could feel Kaz's anger so close to his heart but didn't move away.]

There's always a point to living, Kaz. That much I know. Dying is overrated anyway. Whatever happens I won't lose you again. I can't afford to. I fucked up once and I'm not going to fuck up again.

Of course death's overrated. I'm still alive, aren't I?

[if he'd been capable of suicide or passively accepting death, he'd have done it a long time ago. as it is, he's not, and even in situations that would make anyone else wish for death, he bares his teeth and survives. there's something in him that refuses to die, because dying is losing.]

[something catches in his throat at the continued words of reassurance, but the doesn't answer beyond pressing a little closer into the embrace. he's clinging, he realizes, but it's not in him to pull away.]

Come on. Be practical. We-- [he pauses for a moment, catches himself using that word this time, but doesn't correct himself] --need to decide on a course of action.

If you're going to keep using Diamond Dogs as a smokescreen-- [he fails to keep the bitterness out of his voice at that idea] --it's not going to be convincing if I'm not there. And... even if it's not real, I won't abandon them. Not for the Phantom, or for Ocelot, but for the men. Some of them have been with me for a damn long time now. They deserve better than to be left behind.

[Boss just grunted at that and sighed. Oh, Kaz. He's so glad you're alive, buddy.]

Yeah. [He could hear the bitterness coming from his friend's voice and should have expected it. Snake had wanted Diamond Dogs to be a smokescreen to mask his real plans. Outer Heaven. Kaz was right though. A course of action. Could it be achieved now?]

You're right. [He let out a long defeated sigh. Shit. Why did things have to be so damn complicated? He wanted his close friend by his side but it was impossible. Boss had created this duel base and Kaz was right to stand by the men. His men. Snake would have done the same.]

I would have done the same. The men deserve better and need a man like you to lead them. I wouldn't pick any other. The men at MSF....they were ours.

[it's Boss that brings that brings that out that side of Kaz, incidentally, softens the part of him that's capable of using people as tools. it's one of the things he'd learned from Boss in MSF-- why Boss had been able to talk Kaz's entire unit into betraying him, that leading was more than shouting orders. but he's never really been able to emulate it entirely, and now he's in a strange place where he would ruthlessly use the men to achieve his own ends, but never deprive them of their home.]

No. They need a man like you. They don't follow me like they do you... or him. Never have. They might be have been ours, but they only really listened to you. And I'm done trying to fill your shoes.

[those nine years had been exhausting in that sense. every ounce of respect Boss had commanded by his mere presence was one Kaz has had to fight for. he'd hardened his demeanor, lowered his voice, showed ruthlessness and not tolerated backsass and a thousand other things he'd never had to do before. he'd always known where to take the men next. what he hadn't known was how to make them do it.]

I'll stand back and let your Phantom lead them. They're... his, in a sense, too. [he doesn't exactly sound happy about that, but he's not about to take that from the Phantom] But I'll guide things along.

And someday... we'll meet again.

[He was right. The men needed Boss. They needed their legend to believe in and look up to. How could he run a base without being there for the men? Snake knew the outcome to this reunion would ultimately end up with him leaving Kaz. Or being parted from his closest friend until their next meeting, which might not ever happen. It was painful.]

Yeah.

[It was all he could mutter in a cracked, strained voice. He didn't want Kaz to leave. What if they never saw each other again and one of them died or they both died? Damn. That was hard.]

He's a good man. Ahab. I know he'll do well. With you at his side, you'll be unstoppable.

[It was truthful praise. The Phantom wasn't Big Boss but then he was in other ways. He was the legend. He was the man who was going to take his place and be at the side of Kaz.]

I know you'll be great, Kaz. Like you always have been.

Mmm. Diamond Dogs will do fine. We've gotten this far.

[they'll meet again. there's not a doubt in Kaz's mind that they will-- Big Boss has always been invincible. and while Kaz isn't a man who believes in things like fate-- there's no such thing as luck or predestination, every man is sole writer of his own story --he and Boss have been bound since the moment they held that live grenade together. maybe it's the romantic in him, but he feels deep in his bones that they'll always be a part of each other's lives, whether it's in love or hatred, protection or murder.]

[but he doesn't want to part like this. he finally has him back, and everything that's crumbling in him has something to cling to. so he raises his head and presses a short kiss to Boss' lips, lingers in the feeling of his breath for a moment, then pulls back.]

But this. If this isn't real, somehow, I--

[he takes a deep breath, and pushes his sunglasses up into his hairline to look at Boss with clouded eyes, only inches from his face. there's something not entirely sane in his expression, something filled with darkness and fury and desperation.]

--I will find you. I will kill you, and burn down everything you stand for until it's nothing but ash. And I'll do it with my own hands, so I can make sure you suffer before I watch the light leave your eyes.

[Snake nodded. Yeah, at least they had that. They had got far with Diamond Dogs. The kiss felt welcome, needy. Damn, he wanted it so badly. To feel close to Kaz once more. Bittersweet memory flooding his whole being when the blond finally parted. The kiss felt like time had slowed down. Yet, if he tried to kiss back would he tip the balance away from him? He'd dare not push back. He did enough damage already.]

It is real. You don't need to threaten to kill me, Kaz. I felt like I had died all those years ago. You brought me back to life.

[Boss couldn't help but notice the fire in his friend's eyes. Rage. Anger. Hate. It honestly scared him that Kaz would actually kill him. He had every right. Yet, it cut deep into his heart and he felt himself shudder momentarily at the cold, cutting words.]

[whatever madness in him that had just reared its head goes beneath the surface once more, and he realizes from Boss' reaction that that was a pretty extreme thing to say. then again, he'd wanted him dead from the bottom of his heart at the beginning of this conversation. nothing makes sense, least of all anything he's feeling right now. he feels Boss shudder under his arm-- is it hurt? fear? --which fills him with both guilt and vicious satisfaction.]

I don't know what's real. You could be lying, you could be another Phantom, it could be Cipher, I could have--

[finally snapped and started hallucinating, but he doesn't say that one out loud. he's being irrational, he realizes, downright paranoid--]

--no. I'm sorry.

Wait, how did I...? I didn't bring you back from anything.

Edited 2016-09-16 23:11 (UTC)

[Boss wasn't one to shudder at anything, yet the power and raw emotion behind the words caused the veteran to feel powerless to do anything else. Hearing those words come from a man that once shared everything with him was overwhelming.]

Yeah, I could be. I could be anything you imagine me to be. But, guess what? I'm not. I'm real. As real as the emotion passing through the both of us right now. You're not going crazy, Kaz.

[He squeezed the other man's arm softly just to prove that he was real. That this was no hallucination. The kiss felt real enough. At the last words he sighed.]

Yeah, you did. You've done more for me than you'll ever know. You brought me out of that coma, Kaz. Without you I couldn't have done it.

Okay.

[his voice is shaky, and he takes a deep breath, pushes back the fear and paranoia. he'll trust Boss. trust that this is real. not think about how he'll shatter irreparably if it isn't. trust him. he gives himself over to that feeling, and all the tension he didn't realize he was holding in his body goes out of him. he waits a long moment before answering.]

What do you mean, couldn't have done it? I couldn't even find you, you're giving me a lot of credit here.

Edited 2016-09-19 22:56 (UTC)

In the coma. You brought me out of it because I couldn't live without you. I had to wake up. Thinking about you in my dreams- I know it sounds fucking crazy but it's true. While I was lying there useless, helpless, I had dreams about being with you like we used to. Fighting. Laughing. Crying. All of us.

[He felt stupid for saying it but it was all fucking true. The hazy dreams he'd had were that of the crash but before that. MSF days with Kaz. Did they pull him from his coma? He wanted to think that. He did think that. So, Kaz did help him rise from his long sleep.]

Believe it or don't but it's true. It's what I felt lying on that bed. Our memories made me feel alive.

Did you really--

[do people dream in comas? he honestly has no idea. sure, there's brain activity, but... well, apparently, they do. or at least Boss did. but Kaz smiles, and there's a ghost of the person he used to be in it.]

Stop, you're gonna make me cry. [and it does look like he might do just that] I-- we all meant that much to you, did we? I guess it shouldn't surprise me.

[he is absolutely, definitely not sharing that he used memories of the two of them to give himself something to focus on in Afghanistan as his limbs were cut off, and he may or may not have had some hazy half-dream half-hallucination experiences while chained to that pipe. some things are too personal, even for this conversation.]

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legendary_soldier - 2016-09-23 11:11 (UTC) - Expand

heart meme

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soooo late and I'm sorry. blame Overwatch.

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he's quoting Yukio Mishima

Re: ahhh all the quotes :D

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omg this thread. I don't want it to end...

i'm dead tbh. also gl boss he just hinged his sanity on you in a wildly unhealthy way.

Re: it's so touching. poor boys.

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round 2 of completely putting his remaining sanity in boss' hands

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