The Awkward Sex Meme

[thememesock]

The Awkward Sex Meme

Sex is weird. You do what with that? And it goes where? Oh god, right there, right - ohgodnonotthere! Did you just - no, no, it's fine. Whatever. I'm tired anyway. You want to have sex WHERE?!

How It Works:
* Post.
* Pick or roll for your specifics. You don't have to roll for every category if you don't want; either pick the categories you want, or roll for the category and go from there.
* Enjoy the lols.
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I. LOCATION!
1. The Beach!
Sounds great, right? There was that whole romantic thing in the movies and DEAR FUCKING GOD THERE'S SOMETHING CRAWLING ON ME GET IT OFF GET IT OFF!!!

2. The Pool/Ocean/Shower!
This is a great idea, right? Absolutely nothing could go wrong! Wait, what do you mean water washes away lubrication? God, I hope we don't drown/fall and crack our skulls open.

1. On Random Furniture!
Um. Um. Honey? I think it's great that you have that whole 'I absolutely need you right now' thing going, but I am not having sex on my grandfather's hand-carved table.

4. The Bathrooms!
Oh. Oh god. What is that smell? I think I'm going to throw up.

5. The Car!
Honey, you remembered to put the parking break on, right? Move over, I have a seat belt buckle in my back.

6. The Movie Theater!
Gdi, that guy's doing a walkthrough again. What the hell does he think we're doing in here- oh.

7. The Great Outdoors!
I'm sorry, I didn't invite that squirrel to this party. Oh man, I'm getting bug bites places I didn't even know I had.

8. In An Airplane!
Augh augh augh we're going to crash and die! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT? Oh man, I think I'm stuck. DAMN THESE TINY BATHROOMS.

9. WHERE AM I?!
DIY space! Pick another number or make up your own!


II. OOPS?

1. Injury!
Darling? Sweetie? Honey? I swear I didn't mean to slam you into the wall like that. Talk to me?

2. Timing!
....Uh. Look, if you give me a little while, I'm sure I can get it up again - can I give you a massage or something in the meantime?

3. Interruption!
OH MY GOD WHO THE HELL IS CALLING WHEN I AM FINALLY GETTING SOME - hi, Mom!

4. Awkward Bodily Functions!
...That totally wasn't what it sounded like. Honest!

5. Calling Out the Wrong Name!
Yeah, you're screwed. Just leave now while you still have your limbs.

6. Failed Experimentation!
Hey, honey? Honey? This really isn't working for me. I'm really sorry.

7. Just Plain Fail!
Where did I put the keys to those handcuffs?

8. Oh Shit!
DIY space! I have no idea what just happened, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't good. Pick another number or make up your own!


III. OBSTACLES!

1. Stress!
It's not you, honey, it's just that I've got a lot on my mind. Maybe we could try this a different way?

2. Preparation, Preparation, Preparation!
Fuck, where did the condoms go? Have you seen the lube? I swear they were around here somewhere!

3. Inexperience!
Do you like it like this? How about like this? Okay, what if I do - okay, no, not that. How about -

4. Location!
Your cousin just HAD to show up and need a place to crash today. IF WE DO NOT FIND SOMEWHERE RIGHT NOW I AM GOING TO EXPLODE!

5. Mood-Killer!
I just feel like that picture of your mom is staring at me. :|

6. Surprise!
Hey. You didn't have that cut before. No, I want you to tell me what happened! Did you always have that birthmark? Holy shit! Where did you get THAT scar?

7. How The Hell Do I Say This?!
Hey, honey, you know that thing you do that you think is really sexy and stuff? ...Could you not do it this time?

8. Aww, I'm Sorry, Baby!
DIY space! Pick another number or make up your own!

Comments

[sweeping]

Arthur.

[ her fingers are soothing, pressing against the back of his neck. her voice is strained, thighs shaking at the gentle rub and press of his fingers. she's trying so hard to keep herself steady, to hold back and wait for him. ]

It's probably the wine, I've heard...

[ after all, kitchen gossip had included more than one story of wine-soacked men with troubles of this nature. but she had the sense it'd be better not to bring them up. comparisons to other men might not help this situation.

instead she tightens her grip on him, strokes a little firmer, a little harder. she turns her head, presses her lips to his temple. her breath hitches just slightly, and she takes a deep, steadying breath. patience. just a little patience. ]

[king]

[ Arthur feels like he's blushing all over, the back of his neck prickling where she's touching. He's not sure what to do — it isn't possible for him to want her more than he does right now, is it? ]

The wine.

[ It can't be. He hasn't had that much to drink, has never been overly fond of the loss of control inherent in inebriation. But he'll let the excuse lie unchallenged, even if his tone is flat. ]

[ The way she's stroking him makes him shiver and wince, and he loves her so much for trying, for soothing and waiting, but now everything feels wrong and his stomach seems to have tied itself in knots. He doesn't want to upset her, doesn't want her to doubt that he desires her, or worse, go somewhere else for her pleasure... ]

Sorry, I'm sorry.

[ He sounds a little choked, tries to touch her more, press her open with fingers the way he can't seem to with his prick. ]

[sweeping]

[ it's hard to keep her voice anywhere near soothing when he's doing that with his fingers. it's clumsy and a bit rough, perhaps, but he's making her thighs shaking and her heart race and she wants so very badly for his cock to stiffen in her hand.

she won't say that, of course, because the catch in his voice is what really matters here, the shamed flush of his cheeks. she swallows back a stuttering gasp, eyes closing for a minute before she speaks. ]

Don't apologize. It's nothing to be sorry over.

[ she kisses his temple again, then his cheek, the corner of his lips, the line of his jaw, all featherlight and tender. this happens to all men, that she has heard from all corners of the castle during her youth. it doesn't occur to her, that he would not desire her, for they are married and in love. she knows this to be true, for arthur is not a man given to lies and there is love in the way he looks at her, the way he kisses her. ]

We don't have to. We can try again in the morning.

[king]

[ Arthur stills against her, in her, as she drops kisses over his face, takes a deep breath. He doesn't really believe her — has never exactly been able to make peace with failure of any sort. And it is failing, when she wants him here and now and over the table. ]

I want you now.

[ But it's not going to happen. To Arthur this is the weakness of age or infirmity, as bad as if he suddenly couldn't lift his sword, and he's humiliated by it. But he knows when to withdraw, rally and regroup. ]

[ He kisses her again, only a fraction gentler, and his free hand takes her wrist to guide her hand away from him, back up to the planes of his chest or back or shoulders. The other is still inside her, in a way so deeply intimate he's not sure how they're managing to converse. He draws them out, breaks the kiss, and that could be the end of it, they could try and get their clothes in order and go back to their rooms, the bed he shares with her. ]

[ Instead he watches her, flushed and all bright-eyed with how much he wants to please her, and sucks his fingers into his mouth. She tastes of bitterness, salt and musk, strange but not at all unbearable. ]

I want to do something for you.

[ He swallows, apprehensive. ]

[sweeping]

[ her fingers curl into the fabric of his tunic once more, resting over his heart. she is at a loss, unsure of best to comfort him. it would possibly be easier to think of the right words if she were not so distracted, but there's little to be done about that now. ]

It can wait.

[ those are the words she offers, but when he withdraws his fingers she can't stop the quiet sound of protest that escapes her lips. for a moment she's preoccupied with the loss of contact, thighs still spread shamlessly, skirts rucked up in utter impropriety.

and she watches him. she watches him sucking upon his fingers and it makes her breath catch, her heartbeat stutter. involuntarily, she bites down on her lip, almost too hard. she is queen and most of the time she does well, burying those old habits. but moments like this, when she is utterly undone and far from the regal, proper face she presents to the kingdom, old habits are easily resumed. ]

You can't mean...?

[ her cheeks are the ones burning now, eyes wide in something like fascination. she should rearrange her skirts, draw him up to their bed and try again there, perhaps. but she does not move from her perch upon the table. ]

[king]

[ He grins, then, because his beautiful Guinevere, spread on the table before him
like a feast, she looks interested. And he wants her undone right here, in the Great Hall, wants everyone to hear her cry out in wanton pleasure and no who gave it to her. Even the thought assuages his ego a little. ]

That I want to use my tongue instead? Because that's exactly what I mean.

[ He leans in again to kiss her neck, nuzzling there as he unties the laces of her bodice, plucking them open with deliberation now that he can be trusted not to tear the expensive dress in his need, and presses his face to the swell of her bosom, greets each full breast with a flutter of kisses as he draws them out to the air. ]

I love you so, Guinevere.

[ It's breathless, like a confession, even though they both know. And he raises his eyes to hers as he sits back into the chair that had been so hastily abandoned before, pushes at her skirts so he can see her pink and wet and shadowed. ]

Let me show you.

[sweeping]

[ it feels almost unfair, taking her own pleasure when he cannot have his. but there's no chance at all of her managing to tell him no, not when he's had his hands and mouth all over her, when he's sitting before her pushing back her skirts.

gently, she cups his cheek in her palm, thumb stroking across his cheekbone. her husband, and she had almost given up hope that she would ever be his wife. a smile curves across her face, all invitation and anticipation. ]

Alright, Arthur.

[ and afterwards, they would try again for him. perhaps the passing of time would alleviate whatever it was that troubled him and the touch of her hand would be enough to bring him off as well. ]

[king]

[ At her permission, he turns his head and kisses her palm. It's romantic, almost gentlemanly, but he follows it with a wicked lick. ]

[ He starts first with her thigh, nuzzling up it to the join of her legs where he can breathe in the heady scent of her. His fingers knew this place, and he lets them go ahead, stroking over her slit, opening it. ]

[ There's no hesitation, because a king cannot be struck by indecision or cowardice. Arthur just follows the path of his fingers with his mouth. But it's tentative, learning; he may talk brash but this still all feels so new. His hands slide restless over her hips and thighs, holding and caressing and pushing aside the fabric that keeps trying to fall down over his head, like this intimate kiss is a secret. ]

Let me hear you.

[ The taste of her is bitterness and salt and musk, and she's already so wet for him, lewdly so. He's only adding to the slick as he licks at her folds, tongue flat and rhythmic and so very eager. ]