bakerstreet | The Nonsexual Intimacy Meme

The Nonsexual Intimacy Meme

The Nonsexual Intimacy Meme

Intimacy is NOT necessarily about full sexual contact. Intimacy is all about two people forming a connection and bond between them. That involves becoming best friends, trusting each other, knowing each other, understanding each other. Intimacy is grown and developed, it can't be rushed.

Nonsexual forms of intimacy can add a great deal of depth and variety to fiction. On one end of the spectrum, they provide extra steps to support the journey from meeting a potential mate through romance, sex, and marriage. In the middle, they convey the import of family and professional connections, distinguishing those from more casual acquaintances. On the other end, they form much of the glue in primary relationships for people who don't base their ties on sexuality. Sex and romance are valuable, but they're not everything.

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PROMPTS

Hair care. Brushing, braiding, washing, cutting -- all of these involve a lot of careful touching in ways that many people enjoy. Hair braiding is a bonding experience in some cultures. In fact, grooming is a bonding technique for social primates in general. People without close ties to others often treat themselves to regular salon visits as a socially acceptable way to meet the need for touch and interaction.
Shaving. This involves an unusually high level of trust, especially if the person is using a straight-edge razor or something else with an exposed blade rather than just a buzzer. Although it can apply to women, shaving is one of the few forms of physical intimacy that is most closely associated with men due to their facial hair. Initiaton into shaving is a major milestone for becoming a man, not just for boys during puberty but also for transsexuals during transition.
Bathing. This varies by culture; in America most people bathe alone but some other cultures practice communal bathing. A bath is usually more intimate than a shower, although a public bath can be non-intimate and small shower stall can be intimate. It's also different when two people wash each other (an exchange of intimacy and affection) than when one person washes someone else (more of a caretaking or protective gesture).
Feeding. A classic romantic motif involves lovers feeding each other, but it works as a way of providing and caring for someone in any context. Like bathing, it can also clue whether both parties are participating equally or one is taking care of the other (temporarily or regularly). This one has an existential flavor since survival depends on food supply.
Seeing someone without their adaptive equipment on. This includes glasses, dentalware, prosthetic limbs, a wheelchair, etc. Adaptive equipment is part of one's presentation to the everyday world, and taking it off can be as intimate as removing clothing, for many people in many contexts.
Holding Hands: There can be many reasons for this gesture. Physical closeness, offering comfort, or staying together in a crowd, all may have you reaching for someone.
Undressing someone. This can be kind of a one-way experience if the recipient isn't awake, and is often awkward for both people if they are awake. Sometimes it happens because hands are out of commission, but a more common example is someone passing out drunk. Overheating is another good reason. Different circumstances can imply different levels of intimacy.
Sharing secrets. This especially applies to talking about personal issues that aren't widely known. An exchange of secrets is a common ritual between "best friends" among girls and women, but appears elsewhere as well. Some things are only discussed among people with a common reference; veterans may be more comfortable discussing war memories with each other than civilians.
Ordering for someone in a restaurant. Acquiring food, without asking the other person what to get, shows a knowledge of their needs and desires. Providing food is also a gesture of support and sustenance.
Providing moral support at a major event. Helping someone get through a funeral, a trial, or other intense but not crisis situation is usually performed by a very dear friend. This is a situation where lovers or family members may be too close to the matter to be much use.
Crying on someone. When you cry, you tend to let your guard down. Most of the people close to you will see you cry at some point, so that can be a milestone in a relationship. Actually crying on someone, letting them hold you, is even more intimate.
Serving in a primary role for someone during a wedding. This includes the best man or maid of honor at a wedding, or stand-in for absent parents, etc. as well as the traditional family roles. One aspect of intimacy is sharing each other's lives, including ceremonies and transitions.
Comforting someone after a bad breakup. Moments of great vulnerability can bring people closer. While this role sometimes falls to family, breakup repair more often goes to a woman's female friends or a man's male friends.
Listening to someone's heartbeat or breathing. Close body contact, enough to carry soft personal sounds, tends to be comforting as well as connecting, as it touches on positive childhood memories for most people. It is shared between parent and child, sometimes between siblings, and later between lovers. Tight nonsexual partners may also do this.
Putting someone to bed. Interestingly, this activity can happen among people who are just getting to know each other -- most often if someone passes out drunk, but exhaustion can have a similar effect. It's a gesture of caring to put someone to bed rather than leave them where they drop. A milder version involves draping a blanket or coat over a person asleep on a couch or the like.
Sleeping in the same bed. This is an act of shared vulnerability and intimacy. Lovers customarily do this; so do some siblings or friends, especially as children. People may also be driven to share a bed, sleeping bag, etc. for warmth or lack of other accommodations in challenging circumstances.
Watching someone sleep. There is more vulnerability on the part of the sleeper, and more intimacy from the watcher, when only one person is asleep. Parents often watch their children sleep. Lovers sometimes do this with each other, which can be cute or creepy. It's also a guard position, useful for showing that one character seeks to protect another.
Waking someone up from a nightmare. A subtler form of rescue than more physical actions, this is still a gesture of protection and caring. It often leads to comfort afterwards. A typical courtesy between parent and child, or lovers, this can also be an early threshold for characters thrust together unexpectedly if one of them has sturdy daytime walls and a lot of issues. It is common, but often unspoken, among war buddies or veterans, many of whom have nightmares.
Sharing clothes, jewelry, other personal items. This is common between siblings or close female friends. Sometimes roommates do it too. Wearing someone else's shirt or bathrobe is typical in romantic relationships, so can suggest a similar level of intimacy even in the absence of sex.
Cleaning someone else's living space. This shows care and knowledge on the part of the cleaner, and trust on the part of the recipient. You have to know what NOT to throw away or move. It's typical of family members and roommates. Coworkers may clean each other's desk, office space, etc.
Living together. This is a big step, even if it's just for a little while. Housemates are in each other's pockets; it's hard to keep secrets. Family members and lovers often live together, but housemates who are family-of-choice form a category of their own. If you don't want a romantic partner, a permanent housemate is a good choice for someone to share your life with.
Childbirth. Attending the blessed event entails providing a lot of moral support for hours under high stress. It can create a bond with the baby as well as with the mother. When planned, this opportunity is only offered to the closest family members or friends, barring professionals. But it can happen by surprise in very awkward circumstances, a popular motif in fiction.
Saving someone's life. Quick action in a life-threatening situation demonstrates how much one person values another. This can create a strong sense of connection, and sometimes obligation. It often, though not always, entails personal risk for the rescuer. This is fairly typical for military buddies or police partners, etc.
Risking your life for someone. Placing someone else ahead of your own life shows their importance to you unequivocally. This often, though not always, involves trying to save or protect another person. While it can create a sense of gratitude, it frequently causes anger as well -- someone who loves you will generally object to you endangering yourself, even to protect them. Military and police buddies protect each other regularly.
Making emergency decisions for someone. This reveals both how well you know the person, and how much you care about them -- whether you know what they would want, and act on it even if it differs from your personal preference. Unlike some of the other options, in this one the initial action is often outweighed by the aftermath. Both characters have to deal with the results of the decisions, good or bad.
Deathwatch. Dying can be as intimate as giving birth. Staying with someone while they pass is an act of love; so is providing moral support to someone sitting deathwatch for a family member or other person. Many soldiers and police have done this for someone.

(taken from here)

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There have been nights that Isaac stayed close to the Stilinski house, just checking on Stiles and his dad, making sure the area stayed clear of those that shouldn't be there.

It became routine for him, making a point of swinging by, checking the area and sometimes heading back to Derek's. Sometimes he just stayed and watched, keeping an eye out for them.

That night though, he wasn't there checking on Stiles.

He had woken from a dream in a terror. Remembering the small space, the darkness, the knowledge he had no way out and no idea how long he'd be there.

He was running before he could think about it, needing to get away. Not even sure why he was running, stopping only as he came skittering across the Stilinski's lawn, scrambling up the side of the building and giving a shove on the window.

Panic guided him, nothing more.

Stiles was happily asleep in dreamland, the vague sense of a beach and bikinis starting to take shape in his head when a sound pulled him rudely out of his slumber. He jerked upright, hearing the window opened louder than he was used to hearing during a midnight visit. He looked over from his bed and saw a shape outside his window, his hand reaching over for his trusty lacrosse stick.

"I swear, I'm making some damn werewolf mace to use on you guys."

His threat was incredibly weak; the thought of being found mauled in his Batman boxers not exactly the way he wanted to be remembered.

The window opened and Isaac didn't slip inside. He came tumbling in, falling on his ass. Staying there, pressing back against the wall. His heart was racing so hard it hurt, barely able to grab a breath.

Looking up at Stiles, pale blue eyes blinking rapidly at him.

"I... Any mace would work," he said, sounding confused by that, breathy and panting softly. "Why would you need special mace?"

"Because I wouldn't think it would last long on a werewolf." The lacrosse stick was set down when he recognized the voice, but he was still wondering what the hell Isaac was doing clambering in his window in the middle of the night.

So...

"What the hell are you doing here?" He got out of bed, moving over to turn on the overhead light, looking at the mess that was Isaac.

"Yeah well... Wolfsbane spray is vile," he muttered, rolling to lean his back to the wall, drawing his knees up to this chest. "Seriously, that's gross."

He's putting a lot of thought into that, trying to think about anything but the freezer.

"Just..." He looked up at Stiles, thinking about that. Pale and still disoriented, confused. "I couldn't stay there. I need to breathe. I... I can go."

It was a mistake, one made without thinking as he uncurled his long legs, moving to get to his feet.

It's something he'd been working on in Chemistry with Lydia, actually. A wolfsbane spray that would be more effective in case either of the meager humans came up against something they couldn't handle.

As much as he's not exactly Isaac's biggest fan, he can see something has him shaken up. He comes over slowly, not quite sure if he's going to lash out or not. Werewolves needed to be handled with kid gloves sometimes, especially when they were over emotional.

"What happened?"

The thought that Stiles could mace him with wolfsbane in a fit of pique bothered him. A lot. He was pretty sure that in the long wrong, he'll end up maced and in pain and it'll be all Stiles' fault and he'll blame him.

He shrugged, looking away as he dropped his gaze to the floor. "I just... I don't know. I had a nightmare?" He asked it as if he wasn't sure. "I just ran and then I smelled your house and..."

It was familiar, and safe. He was safe there. He wasn't sure why but he was. Or so he thought.

That threw him. A lot. He just stood there staring at Isaac for a minute. His house was where Isaac ran when he was freaked out? Not Derek's? Okay, that was a little surprising. "A nightmare, huh? I've had those."

He gestured for Isaac to follow him. "Come on, we'll get you some milk or something." Was he seriously going to try to calm Isaac down after a nightmare? Seems like it.

He was still shaking and he hated that. He hated that he was still fearful, especially of a man that was gone. A man he still loved. Even white teeth worried at his lip, nearly tearing at the tender surface.

"They happen. Sometimes. Not often." Speaking haltingly though he feels like he's rushing through the words. "Not so much anymore."

It wasn't true but he wasn't willing to admit how bad it's been some night. Considering for a minute, he pushed to his feet, trying to pull himself together.

"I...Thanks." He didn't even know what to say.

He nodded. Hey, he knew what that was like. He'd lived through his nightmare period and it sucked. He still had the occasional one and they still shook him when he woke up sweating and gasping. It was weird to think he had anything in common with Isaac, but, hey, there it was. "They go away. Mostly."

Out of the room and down to the kitchen he went, expecting Isaac to follow him.

"Yeah, until the next reason to have one," he said, trying to sound joking and like he was laughing. But he wasn't.

"Funny thing is," he said, following in Stiles' wake. "I don't have them about ... everything you think I would. The bite. Jackson the Lizard Boy. None of that." Not even what they were going through now. Just that small, dark space.

"That's because your brain knows what actually scares the crap out of you." Not like Stiles didn't have nightmares about werewolves and Godzilla mutants, but they never had him waking in a cold sweat. The ones that had him looking like Isaac always involved his mom. Or worse, his dad.

He went to the fridge and pulled out the milk. "You a hot chocolate guy or a warm milk one?"

That was the truth. That small box, trapped, locked in, no way out and...

And just thinking that made him whimper, wrapping his arms tightly over his chest. "It's crazy though. I mean, it's over. It's not going to happen again."

It was the same things he told himself over and over again.

"Whatever's easiest," he said, looking up at Stiles with a small smile. "I'm easy."

"Doesn't matter. It'll replay it over and over again in the worst way to screw you up." He could only lose his mother once, but it had taken almost a year of nightmares where he'd lost her over and over again every night for him to get over the majority of it.

Stiles went to the cupboard and pulled out two packets of hot chocolate. Hey, if he was going to be making Isaac some, he might as well set up a mug for himself. Pouring the milk in and mixing it up as best he could, he shoved them both in the microwave. "Could have fooled me."

It wasn't said with the same acerbic tone he would have usually used, knowing that Isaac probably needed a break from the bickering and bitching they usually did.

"It's still there," he said softly. "Destroyed now, because of Scott actually." He didn't know all the details but he had seen it and what Scott's werewolf form had done to it. "Do you still get them often," eh asked, his voice soft, chin raised slightly to be careful about where he tread.

He watches Stiles, interested in all he was doing. Not that he didn't know about making cocoa, but he didn't know as much about Stiles as he could.

"Well, you haven't tried. How would you know," he snapped back, no heat to the words. He was definitely enjoying himself, distracting himself from the rest.

This was always a sensitive subject for him and it really depended on his mood at the time how he reacted to it. He was feeling a little less hostile towards Isaac than he usually was, mostly because it was impossible to be a dick to someone that was ready to jump out of their own skin. "Not as much anymore. I did while it was happening." And after.

He pulled the mugs out, rolling his eyes as he dunked a spoon into Isaac's before handing it over to him. "You don't exactly make the idea appealing."

"I never had nightmares then. Course... I didn't sleep much either," he admits. "I would go to school, practice, swim and practice more at home and finally pass out. On the good days. It meant not a lot of nightmares." Which was his driving force.

"Now though..."

He shrugged, leaning against the counter.

"Why would I," he asked, arching a brow. "Aren't you into Lydia... and Scott?" He just assumed the last one.

Sleeping pills had been his best friend for a while; the only way he'd managed to escape the possibility of scream inducing nightmares to get enough rest to function. He'd gotten over it, but Stiles was the kind of guy who had no problem self medicating to get what needed to be done, done.

The suggestion had him giving Isaac a surprised look. "Dude, Scott? Um, no. That's just, um, no." Lydia, yes, but the realization that he would never be more than a cameo appearance player in her life had started to sink in.

Isaac hadn't tried self medicating, if only that he wasn't sure it would even work for him. Not with his metabolism now. Of course, if he had known he would end up here, making himself look weak, he might have tried it.

Giving Stiles a crooked smile, he jerked one shoulder in a semblance of a shrug. "Hey, it could have been. I could see it."

"How? How would you possibly see that. The guy's pretty much my brother." Scott was his brother for all intents and purposes, closer to him than anyone else, barring his dad. The look he gave Isaac transmitted that thought clearly enough.

But that reminded him of a question, and hey, since they were on the topic... "You think gay guys would find me attractive?"

Isaac snorted. "You're close. Closer than most people. It could go either way. Sibling like or dating like. Why is that hard to accept," he asked, arching a brow, giving him a look back. "Not like he's actually related.

Okay, despite their talks, he wasn't sure he'd seen that coming. "Well, I'm not gay, though half that I guess, so..." He looks him over, actually critical. "You're not bad looking. You dress like you're all skin and bones but I've played you on the field and know you're not entirely without muscle. The moles are kind of cute, though the hair is severe."

"He may as well be." They'd had sleepovers and skinned knees and losses in both families, different though they were. Yeah, they were close, but they were best friends, and Stiles didn't consciously think of guys as possible romantic interests.

That was... way more serious of an answer that he'd thought he'd get. But hey, it seemed to be doing the trick of distracting Isaac from his anxiety. Stiles was the king of anxiety distractions. He rubbed his hand over his hair as he reached for his mug of hot chocolate. "Yeah, I'm thinking of letting it grow out a bit. I dunno, I guess it would just be nice if some group out there thought I wasn't all bad." It would be better if Lydia thought that, but...

"Right. McCall is your family," he said, smirking even as he said it. "So, does that mean I can't hit on both of you?" Not that he had plans to ask either of them out but he couldn't help himself.

He nodded, looking at his hair and considering it. "It would help," he agreed. "I mean, your look isn't bad, just kind of..." His nose wrinkled. "Youthful? I guess that's the word."

And then, because he can't help himself.

"So, are you gay?"

His answer? The most blatant lineface he could manage.

The youthful look probably wasn't helped by the chocolate mustache he sprouted as he lifted his head from his mug, one he licked off before frowning. "I'm not going to start smoking to add years to my look. I'll just have to deal with what I was given."

It was a good thing he wasn't drinking when asked that question. "No, I'm not gay. Kind of hard to be when your current obsession is a girl, don't you think." He loved girls. He loved them big, small, short, tall. He mostly loved Lydia, but it didn't hurt to look at other girls and pretend. As for guys? He didn't fantasize about them or anything, but he wasn't all offended with the questions. He knew he wasn't gay and he was pretty sure he wasn't bi, but hey, it would be nice if someone thought he was cute.

Stiles Stilinski | Teen Wolf | OTA

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