bakerstreet | heart meme

[you should not have reminded him how badly he wants to hit you, because he does, immediately. dropping his cane and swinging his left arm with all his strength, he aims a blow across Boss' cheek and face. without the support, he almost overbalances, but most of his weight falls on his good leg and he doesn't end up on the floor immediately.]

[it's unnatural-- his muscle memory is screaming at him to strike for the face with his right arm, pivot left, go for the solar plexus with his elbow, put up a block, but he's missing half his limbs and his balance is fucked, so he settles for trying to hurt Boss in undisciplined, badly executed every way he can. it's a joke, compared to what he could do a year ago, and he knows it.]

Edited 2016-06-19 17:56 (UTC)

[Boss had asked to be hit and he half-expected Kaz to launch at attack on him. Why not? After what he had done to his friend this could be expected. He hated that he had hurt his beloved friend and comrade. Just seeing the blond's anger caused him to wince with emotion. The pain he could stand. Seeing his friend want to take a swing at him? That hurt.]

Ngh. Good.

[Boss took the hit to his jaw and rubbed his jaw some. You can still hit, Kaz. He didn't expect any less. The man deserved this. Boss was just going to be a human punch bag because he needed this. He had to allow his friend to vent everything out on him.]

[Boss isn't even hitting him back, which is a whole new level of insulting. Does he pity him now? That stings almost as much as the betrayal.]

[and so Kaz hits him again with a feral snarl from the back of his throat, this time in the solar plexus. he only has one arm. this is pathetic, some part of him realizes. Boss is letting him hit him because he's no longer a threat. because he's a condescending bastard and thinks he's so high and mighty now. because Kaz is only a shell of his former partner, or lover, or whatever they were.]

[but his weight tips onto on his bad leg this time, and he's forced to grab onto Boss' shoulder for balance.]

I can't even hit you right.

[the words are filled with equal parts rage and self-loathing.]

[He's not hitting you back Kaz because he doesn't need to. It wouldn't be right. He's dealt enough emotional blows to you to counter balance all the physical blows you're delivering to him right now. He deserves every punch. He let out a soft gasp of air when he was punched in his solar plexus. Oh yes. He could feel every punch. When he felt Kaz wobble he instinctively shot an arm out to stop his comrade from falling over.]

No. You're hitting just fine.

[Boss helped Kaz become more stable before moving back away from the man, removing the top half of his military suit to bare his chest. He wanted that fist to connect to his skin. Then, it would hurt more. He hurts for you, Kaz. He hated doing what he had to do and now would pay.]

You're hitting me where it hurts most, Kaz. Inside. [His heart. Yeah, it hurts to see his friend so angry. So injured. All because of him.]

I took your limbs away and it's all my fault. Hit me. I deserve this.

[Boss offered his comrade a short nod before standing close to him, bare chested and ready for the assault.]

[he doesn't know what to do with that reassurance. the display of vulnerability with the removal of his shirt only makes it worse. for a few seconds, he stops, and can only stare at the snake-shaped scar that twists up Boss' chest.]

[when he'd imagined this, there had been hits both ways, and Boss had hated him too, and maybe they'd died together like they were always meant to, or he'd killed him and something had been fixed and he could move on, and he'd felt alive in a way he hadn't in years. but none of that was happening.]

['I lost those limbs protecting what I thought was you,' he wants to say. 'And if given the choice again, and it was actually you, I'd throw myself on the zero line all over again.' But that's too personal, he's too filled with anger right now, and he opts for the answer that will hurt. because he wants to fight. this isn't supposed to be going like this.]

Are you talking about your feelings? After what you did, after you abandoned all of us, you have the nerve to talk about your hurt feelings?

[he doesn't want to take the free hit. he wants to earn it, like everything else in their relationship. but his anger overcomes his pride and he hits him again anyway, an underhand blow to the stomach. it doesn't have any of the bodily momentum behind it that it should, so it's weaker, but will likely still hurt.]

Not about my feelings. Yours.

[He took each hit as it came to him. The one to the stomach caused him to reel backwards and find his breath once more. He was half-smiling to himself. Yes. Give him more, Kaz. Punish him. He deserves this. He looked up to his sub commander and spat out some blood onto the floor.]

It was never about me. The mission always came first. Sorry you got messed up because of me. It never should have happened like this.

[The coma. Yeah. Big pile of shit that was. If he never got injured in the chopper then none of this would have happened. V wouldn't have come to and Kaz would still have his limbs. Paz. It was that bomb. No going back now.]

[Boss is sorry. he just apologized. since when does Boss apologize? Kaz stops hitting him, mostly due to confusion and shock.]

[the anger in his voice starts to fade, replaced by shakiness.]

What mission? Outer Heaven? The one we were going to build together? What the hell kind of mission is worth abandoning everything we built?! Worth abandoning MSF?!

You used us [me] and left us [me] to die. I can't forgive you. You crossed a line, Boss.

[He isn't the type to just say the word sorry but right now he is. Very much so. How else can he say to his friend sorry for fucking everything up? Boss sighed almost in defeat at not being able to get the words out he wanted. Would words be enough right now? Probably not. Kaz was right.]

I didn't abandon MSF. Huey was responsible for the destruction of MSF. We all know what happened that day, Kaz. The helicopter, Paz...all of it. It never should have happened at all.

[He rubbed his jaw and clicked it.]

I never would have abandoned you, Kaz. You know this. Yeah, maybe I did cross a line but I never damned gave up on anyone. My body gave up on me putting me into a coma for nine years.

[What could he do? He'd injured Kaz. Injured everyone around him. Emotionally. He just stood there bare-chested, blood dripping down his nose and mouth. He looked a wreck. It burned inside. The hurt. The shame. The guilt. Would it go away?]

No, I know that. I mean, you abandoned the remains of us.

[he takes a deep, steadying breath, and tries to clear his head enough to articulate something more complex that 'I hate you', or the wildly irrational anger of 'how dare you fall into a coma when we needed you most'. when he speaks, it's hollow.]

Diamond Dogs was a facade, not the real Outer Heaven. Outer Heaven was our dream, the one we shared. You left me with a damn copy of yourself to take the heat in the public eye.

Why wasn't I by your side? Why didn't you trust any of us? Why did you do it? Why--

[his voice cracks, and his snaps his jaw shut before he can say anything else.]

[Boss sighed and pulled out a cigar lighting it and exhaling softly above his head. Did he really cause so much shit? It seemed so. He had hurt Kaz and caused him to believe that he actually did abandon everyone. It shouldn't have been that way. Boss never meant to abandon anyone.]

It was our dream and it shouldn't have ended the way it did. The coma ended it all for me. [He frowned.]

I always want you by my side, Kaz. You know that.

[his temper flares again-- how does Boss seemingly not understand what he's asking --and his voice sharpens. he's not about to be placated by pretty words.]

After the coma. Why does the Phantom exist, did you create him? Why did you send him in your place? If you really cared about us, why didn't you come back after you escaped the hospital, or... wherever you actually were.

You could have contacted us-- even let me in on what you were doing. I get it, no smokescreen would have been convincing if I wasn't with what everyone thought was you. But you could have told me.

[whether or not he would have yelled at you and hung up the phone at the suggestion of letting men die for a lie. which he would have.]

And you didn't do any of that. You just... disappeared.

Edited 2016-06-20 22:57 (UTC)

[Boss sighed. It was a deep, heavy sigh, as if he had been laden with a ton of brick on his shoulders with no way of lifting them off easily. The phantom was part of the plan. The part Zero had enforced so that Boss could escape the hospital easier and run off with Ocelot. Was it cowardice or just situation? He hated telling his friend that he had replaced himself with a copy.]

It's complicated. The phantom existed so I could escape from the hospital with Ocelot whilst V took my place. It wasn't about hurting you, Kaz. None of this was about hurting you or abandoning anyone.

[He inhaled on his cigar and blew the smoke upwards, whilst chewing on the tip. Shit. Why did it have to come to this? Kaz had a right to know though. He had to know. Boss wiped some blood off his nose with the back of his arm and looked at the blond.]

Zero constructed the idea of the phantom and with Ocelot's help it came to happen. I wanted to tell you but I couldn't. It got complicated.

[That's all he could say. What else could he say? He ran off to start Outer Heaven while Venom Snake started Diamond Dogs.]

[briefly, he wants to hit Boss again. it'd be easier than dealing with this. this just hurts, and his voice comes out defeated.]

It always comes back to Zero and Cipher, doesn't it? I never should have gotten involved with them.

Still. You hurt that medic, badly. Screwed him up for life. Do you know he doesn't know who he is anymore? It's not just a cover-- he actually thinks he's you. He'll never be the person he used to be again.

But was that even your fault? Was it Zero, really? Ocelot? Were you just a pawn in all of this, too?

[part of him wants to go on the war path again and kill Zero, for this and for keeping Boss from him for so long. a much bigger part of him is hollow and wrung out and just wants to collapse, now that things are complicated and Boss isn't an easy target for the storm of hatred in him.]

[Boss wouldn't flinch if Kaz did indeed go to hit him again. Why not? He made people angry. Whether it was his actions or the actions of those around him, people were angry.]

Yeah, it does. The guy is the cause of all of it. [What Zero wanted out of Big Boss; the legend. What he wanted the legendary soldier to carry out. Even in a coma the man was still alive in name and not being. Venom took the mantle upon himself, or rather was forced to take it upon himself, even when the real Big Boss was asleep, dead to the world.]

Don't blame yourself, Kaz. You couldn't have known. None of us could. [Could he? No. This wasn't what he had planned at all. It shouldn't have been lie this. Screwing people over wasn't his style.]

I know. Ahab didn't have to got through what he did. The guy deserved better. [Yeah.]

Ocelot was just a tool in the works. He was doing his job just like everyone else. Yet, he did it because he cared about me. The guy devoted his life to the name Big Boss. The legend.

[Snake didn't think of himself as a legend at all. He was a man; a killer. A soldier. Yet, Ocelot had always looked up to him since he was Naked Snake.]

We're all pawns, Kaz. One way or another.

Edited 2016-06-28 09:47 (UTC)

[Kaz almost replies with something along the lines of 'I devoted my life to you as a person, not as a legend, and that didn't get me into the loop', but it sounds a little too much like a high school girl who's just been dumped for his comfort. being jealous of Ocelot like that always makes him feel about fourteen years old.]

[instead he lets out a long, long sigh, and his posture curls inwards. his emotions threaten to get the better of him, but he bites the inside of his cheek and wills his voice not to crack again.]

Yeah. I guess we are.

Wasn't that your dream? To build a place where we weren't tools of the government or anyone else?

Edited 2016-06-29 00:04 (UTC)

[He hears the sigh and clenches his jaw. He hates hearing you so depressed because of him, Kaz. Just one man making such a mess of the world.]

Yeah and it still is. I won't let Zero or Cipher take that away from us. [Because he's damned if he is going to let his dream fall apart now. Their dream. Just because he was in a coma doesn't mean he can't do things now. At least he's awake now.]

Better start rebuilding what we lost, huh?

[and conversations with Kaz, particularly emotionally intense ones, continue to be akin to walking through a minefield.]

[his lips curls in disgust.]

You're sure assuming a lot, that it's 'we'. You didn't have much of a problem building that dream without me, and I'm not about to come running back.

[He should have expected that. Boss sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. It was all fucked up mainly because of Zero but it included him too. Would Kaz ever want to fight by his side again? After what he went through? Boss didn't blame him if he turned around and walked away from him. Yet, the old soldier wouldn't be able to forgive himself if that happened.]

You're right. But I'm damned if I'm going to give up on you again. Zero can go to hell.

Wait nine years for me, then. Maybe then I'll come back. Maybe not.

[his hand starts to shake, and he isn't sure whether he wants to scream or cry.]

[it's all he wanted, for nine years, to come back and have a home. to have Boss by his side. but Cipher is dead, Kaz's phantom pains still tear at him at night, and nothing ever will be the way it was, even after ~~their~~ his vengeance is complete. the only thing that changed was that he'd had what he'd thought was Boss by his side as some kind of rock to keep him from drifting out to sea entirely. now, he didn't even have that-- he'd drawn a careful distance between himself and the Phantom, and planned to keep it that way.]

[this is the pain he never leveled at the Phantom, because he was so relived to be done waiting and so wrapped up in chasing Cipher that the magnitide of what he'd given up for all those years had never really registered. what did he give up, really? a part of him wonders. what else would he have done? it doesn't matter. he could have done something, even if he can't picture doing anything else at all.]

[it's been nine years. he hates him. he loves him. he wants to curl into his arms and cry so hard he can't breathe. he wants to wrap his hands around his throat and watch the light leave his eyes. none of those feelings are rational. none of them have ever been rational.]

[but Kaz realizes something. killing Skullface didn't make it stop hurting. killing Boss won't make it stop hurting, either. and it's not out of some kind of sudden pacifist understanding of revenge. it's because it registers that nothing will make him stop hurting. ever.]

[there's no point to killing Boss.]

Tell me why I should come back.

Edited 2016-07-28 16:33 (UTC)

[Good point. Snake could never had known what it felt like to have been waiting nine years for a close friend. A man he trusted. Kaz had gone through hell and back while he was lying on a warm bed breathing and not doing much else. Little more than a human vegetable. The blond had endured so much he couldn't even begin to try and understand. Damn right he was angry. Boss couldn't fault him for that.

What would he have done? If he had to wait instead of Kaz? Shit. That was tough. Yet, what about the past? The memories and experiences they had both shared back at MSF? Surely, that was Boss's life line at this moment. It was what he was clutching onto to save their friendship. Or to save whatever was left of their friendship.]

The past. The memories and experiences we shared that made us into the men we are now. Everyday I was grateful to have you by my side, Kazuhira. We fought, we won, we sometimes lost. We were a team. The coma ripped that away from me and made me into a useless vegetable of a man. A man who couldn't fight. Every moment of my being on that bed I wanted to get up and fight. I wanted to be beside you and do what I was born to do. To fight for what is right. For our beliefs and ideals. The men we're designed to be in this chaotic world.

[Yep. Not often he ever used the man's full first name. Not often he spoke a lot like this but dammit he had to.]

[he listens, quietly, but something about the use of his full name gut-punches him. no one calls him that. it's so rare that it feels like yobisute, somehow, even though that's not at all the same thing and he knows it.]

['memories we shared'. 'we fought, we won, we sometimes lost'. 'I wanted to be beside you'. the words echo through his head.]

[he takes a moment to steady himself, but something catches in his throat, and when he speaks it's rough, like he's about to cry.]

Yeah. I guess that's true, isn't it? I am who I am because of you, even after all this time. And you're the same. And everything we fought for, it was always...

[he takes a deep breath, tries to hold it together and keep from breaking down entirely.]

I-- I've never told anyone this. But when you were-- after the crash, they kept putting me under. I fought it. Kept telling them not to-- you couldn't fight. I said... a lot of things, I think, morphine is a hell of a drug. But I tried, more than anything, to protect you. To fight for you when you couldn't do it yourself. It didn't work, Zero would have taken you no matter what, but I always thought... wondered if...

Shit. I don't know where I'm going with this, telling you how I did my best to run a small hospital out of seda-- morphene's not supposed to be used as a-- that's not the point.

[Boss could also reach out and touch the emotion that was laced in every word that came out of his friend's lips. Was it sadness? Anger, remorse? All of it? The man was a mess and it was because of him. Dammit, he wishes he never even got knocked into the fucking coma.

He swallowed thickly and frowned deeply. Dammit, Kazuhira. You're a fighter and Boss knows this. How much he knows this. Hearing those words come out of your mouth is making him almost tremble with anger. At himself. At Zero. At everything. The poor guy. He should never have been made to fight against something that wasn't even his fault.]

Kaz....

....

...you're a fighter. You're the bravest man I've ever known and I'm so fucking proud of you. Damn Zero. Damn it all. Dammit.....you fought for me and I couldn't do a damn thing.

[Boss clenched his fists and gritted his teeth.]

I can guess the medics had a hard time with you. Tough son of a bitch. [He couldn't help but reach out and grip Kaz's shoulder, squeezing.]

You know even know how this makes me feel, hearing this. It's surreal. It's an act of bravery. You're an honourable man, Kaz. Never giving up on your comrades even near death. Dammit, I wish I could have done more. I should have done more.

[he feels hate, love, fear, anger, emptiness, regret, sadness, loneliness. more of the later ones than the earlier. Kaz's shoulders start to shake, and he lets out a choked sound that's something between laughing and crying. Boss being proud of him shouldn't mean as much as it does. but Kaz had always admired him, looked up to him. apparently, he still does.]

You're calling me honorable? After.. after the first time we met, I tried to kill you with a dirty trick?

[he shoves at Boss' chest in a gesture that's almost playful, with a cracked smile.]

If you could've moved a pinky, you'd have taken them all down, I'm sure of it. I've never met anyone like you. You know-- [another shaky half-sob half-laugh] --there were so many times I was listening on codec and I thought 'this is it, he's going to die for sure'. But you never did. Even now, you pulled your ass out of a nine-year coma and kept going.

Do you remember? I think the last thing I said to you was "Don't you die on me". If you didn't do any more, it's because doing more was an impossibility. And an impossibility even you couldn't power through.

[which he says with absolute faith and confidence.]

Edited 2016-07-29 21:23 (UTC)

Yeah, I am. You are honourable, Kaz. No matter what anyone else says or what you think. I know you are.

[There. He said it. He had to. The dirty trick? He'd pass you for that one. That was a long time ago now and nothing compared to what he did to you. Left you for nine years in a coma then lied behind your back, replacing himself with another man. Dirty trick? Yeah. That was hardly anything.]

I couldn't move a damn muscle while on that bed. They pumped me full of god knows what too. [Drugs? Morphine? Who the hell knew. All he did know was that he couldn't move or open his eyes. All he could do was keep breathing. He had to.]

Yeah, I remember. I wanted to reach out and touch your arm but I couldn't. My muscles didn't want to damn work. [For that he was so pissed off at himself. That, or the medical staff pumping him full of drugs. He could have tried harder but what could he had done apart from just touch Kaz? The crash.....it was all over so quick. So fucking quick.]

If I had my way I would have got up and smashed everyone to the floor, grabbed you and carried you out of the damn hospital. Where we'd go is another matter but better than being stuck in there.

[Boss never had liked hospitals or medics. He'd always done his own injuries himself, even when out in the jungle back when he was a rookie. Stitching, suturing, disinfecting. All of it. He sighed and brushed his hand down Kaz's good arm.]

If I could turn the clock back nine years to before the crash and change everything. I would.

[nope, the statement that Boss had tried to reach out to touch him, to reassure him makes Kaz start to cry. but he's laughing wildly, hysterically between sobs, and he's pretty sure this is what it feels like to finally lose his mind.]

You'd have carried me? I was in better shape than you were! I'd have--

[--told you to stay in the hospital, probably, and reminded you that modern medicine exists for a reason and we don't have to fix ourselves with knives heated over campfires now, but that's beside the point.]

It doesn't matter. There's nothing we can change now. The damage is done. Skullface is dead. And...

[he doesn't know what 'and' means, but he reaches out to grip Boss' hand. it feels right. he wants to pull back, to salvage his pride, bare his teeth because it's all he knows how to do anymore, but Boss is... just as screwed up as he is over all of this. or maybe not. pain can't really be compared. but he can't just push him away.]

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boss has gotten kaz to talk about this like an adult and I am stunned

Re: see? at least he's useful for something

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