[He can't say it. How can he say it? He knows how it seems, and why Touya thought that and still thinks it. Anyone would have. He doesn't deserve the benefit of the doubt. But how can he say Touya was replaced, when it had pained him to pull away from him? Touya is here, he's wanted. He wasn't replaced. He was always irreplaceable. Enji is just a foolish man.
Even if he does say it, it's not going to improve the situation.
He sighs at the results on the phone. He and Rei both know what to do in these situations. He'll do whatever it takes to help Touya feel better, although medicating him does make him feel guilty every time.]
You'll be feeling better soon. Just rest for a while. Your mother will be there to look after you.
[how can he not say it?! he said it the moment the thought came to fruition. what does anyone do if the tool they bought or the thing they created breaks and can't do the job it's supposed to do?
they make/get a new one.
there was no pain! there was no difficulty! only a grim determination to erase him from existence and put the failed creation out of sight, out of mind! he saw it every single time. the look on endeavor's face when rei got pregnant, the hope when natsuo was born, the anger when natsuo proved a failure, and then, that final day, when shoto was born.
when toya was finally extinguished.
at least to his father, he was. the last time he really got attention from enji had been when toya attacked rei and that little puppet. anything else was a spurning glance whenever he tried to remind his father he existed...
HOW THE HELL IS THAT NOT REPLACEMENT?! AND NOW HE'S TRYING TO DENY IT!!]
YOU CANT RUN FROM ME YOULL SAY IT IF I HAVE TO RIP IT OUT OF YOU ITS THE TRUTH
I'm not running. I'm right here. I know I was wrong. I failed you.
[How can he explain how stupid he was? How he thought pushing his son away would push him away from wanting to be a hero, from wanting to use the quirk that would hurt him? A bad idea to begin with, and he had taken it much too far. He's somewhat better at being a parent now, but he wishes he had improved long ago, when it would have done so much more good.
He wishes Touya wouldn't blame his siblings for something that they had nothing to with. He would rather Touya come to accept them than him. They're the ones who deserve that acceptance.]
It's all right. I'll be here when you wake up. Let me know if you need anything.
apparently morphine is not the one that knocks you out... whoops
[he doesn't want an explanation. he knows the explanation. and hearing endeavor repeatedly refuse to say the truth they both knew was infuriating him. more of that denial, more of that cover up, more of those things from the past endeavor continues saying he's trying not to do, and yet he's doing them right here, right now, to toya's face.
in toya's opinion.
shoto was/is his replacement. created to do what toya couldn't. and once it was shown he could, there was no use for the broken failure created earlier. he was replaced. no more smiles from his father. no more words of praise or pride. those were all given to shoto. (not really, but...) the goal and ambition toya had been created for was deemed unsuitable for his ability and taken from him, given instead to the better version of what he should've been... his replacement.
in ways, toya has started to accept his siblings. his bond with natsuo managed to survive despite the bitterness and natsuo remains the one toya will talk to the most with the least risk of flaring up. fuyumi tends to be okay so long as they don't talk about endeavor or heroics, because toya still thinks she doesn't have much to say about a world she never knew.
and shoto... it's thin ice. they can talk quietly and comfortably about mundane things, how toya's physically feeling or what he might've seen out the window today or how far he managed to walk yesterday. but topics like school, heroes, endeavor, training, quirks, can send shoto through the ice and into that raging inferno in no time flat if he makes the wrong step. given even a small deviation can lead toya into verbally attacking shoto or insulting endeavor, trying to get a rise out of his little brother to feed his hatred. usually shoto can avoid it; he's not stupid. but he has emotions and toya's still a manipulative prick with anger issues. it's... a delicate balance.
but toya has hugged his littlest brother a few times.
it'll be several hours before toya's awake and able to respond to his father's texts. at least he'll be calmer when he does.]
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gutties) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
bakerstreet2023-09-15 12:01 pm
no subject
You're not replaceable.
no subject
no subject
I was trying to achieve a certain result, yes. I know very well how foolish that was.
no subject
SAY IT TO MY FACE YOU COWARD
no subject
I'm concerned about your health!
We both know what I was trying to do.
It wasn't a matter of replacing you but achieving my foolish goal!
no subject
STOP FUCKING HIDING AND SAY IT
YOU REPLACED ME
TWICE
no subject
I'm not hiding. Whatever happened is my fault. I take responsibility. Your siblings had nothing to do with it.
no subject
SAY IT
YOU REPLACED ME
SAY IT
SAY IT
SAY IT GODDAMMIT
[hit the morphine button]no subject
Even if he does say it, it's not going to improve the situation.
He sighs at the results on the phone. He and Rei both know what to do in these situations. He'll do whatever it takes to help Touya feel better, although medicating him does make him feel guilty every time.]
You'll be feeling better soon.
Just rest for a while.
Your mother will be there to look after you.
no subject
they make/get a new one.
there was no pain! there was no difficulty! only a grim determination to erase him from existence and put the failed creation out of sight, out of mind! he saw it every single time. the look on endeavor's face when rei got pregnant, the hope when natsuo was born, the anger when natsuo proved a failure, and then, that final day, when shoto was born.
when toya was finally extinguished.
at least to his father, he was. the last time he really got attention from enji had been when toya attacked rei and that little puppet. anything else was a spurning glance whenever he tried to remind his father he existed...
HOW THE HELL IS THAT NOT REPLACEMENT?! AND NOW HE'S TRYING TO DENY IT!!]
YOU CANT RUN FROM ME
YOULL SAY IT IF I HAVE TO RIP IT OUT OF YOU
ITS THE TRUTH
[ ... ]
DONT TURN THAT ON
WERE NOT
no subject
I'm right here.
I know I was wrong.
I failed you.
[How can he explain how stupid he was? How he thought pushing his son away would push him away from wanting to be a hero, from wanting to use the quirk that would hurt him? A bad idea to begin with, and he had taken it much too far. He's somewhat better at being a parent now, but he wishes he had improved long ago, when it would have done so much more good.
He wishes Touya wouldn't blame his siblings for something that they had nothing to with. He would rather Touya come to accept them than him. They're the ones who deserve that acceptance.]
It's all right.
I'll be here when you wake up.
Let me know if you need anything.
apparently morphine is not the one that knocks you out... whoops
in toya's opinion.
shoto was/is his replacement. created to do what toya couldn't. and once it was shown he could, there was no use for the broken failure created earlier. he was replaced. no more smiles from his father. no more words of praise or pride. those were all given to shoto. (not really, but...) the goal and ambition toya had been created for was deemed unsuitable for his ability and taken from him, given instead to the better version of what he should've been... his replacement.
in ways, toya has started to accept his siblings. his bond with natsuo managed to survive despite the bitterness and natsuo remains the one toya will talk to the most with the least risk of flaring up. fuyumi tends to be okay so long as they don't talk about endeavor or heroics, because toya still thinks she doesn't have much to say about a world she never knew.
and shoto... it's thin ice. they can talk quietly and comfortably about mundane things, how toya's physically feeling or what he might've seen out the window today or how far he managed to walk yesterday. but topics like school, heroes, endeavor, training, quirks, can send shoto through the ice and into that raging inferno in no time flat if he makes the wrong step. given even a small deviation can lead toya into verbally attacking shoto or insulting endeavor, trying to get a rise out of his little brother to feed his hatred. usually shoto can avoid it; he's not stupid. but he has emotions and toya's still a manipulative prick with anger issues. it's... a delicate balance.
but toya has hugged his littlest brother a few times.
it'll be several hours before toya's awake and able to respond to his father's texts. at least he'll be calmer when he does.]