bakerstreet | The "SHIT, SON, YOU'RE IN STARFLEET NOW" meme

The "SHIT, SON, YOU'RE IN STARFLEET NOW" meme

Just like the title says, YOU'RE IN GODDAMN STARFLEET NOW. How'd you get here? Jesus, I don't know. What rank are you? Whatever goddamn rank you want to be. What year is this? WHATEVER YEAR YOU WANT IT TO BE. Kick it old school, TNG, DS9, in another goddamn galaxy, or even an alternate universe. What are you doing there? EXPLORING SPACE LIKE A GQ MOTHERFUCKER.

WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE? You have places to be! Jobs to do! Stupid-ass badly-manufactured consoles to dramatically blow up! GO GO GO GO!

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Captain. And -

[With a smile of what appears to be genuine surprise, Jack 'notices' the device at the captain's shoulder.]

- you've made a friend, sir. Hi there.

[The captain regards them both with raised eyebrows, clearly catching on, also clearly concerned. "Mr. Harkness, meet my new friend. He calls himself NOMAD."

The device is silent, slowly bobbing up and down as it hovers behind the captain, but the display of lights in its "face" changes sequence. It may be scanning them.]

Hi, NOMAD. My name is Jack. You like the captain, huh? Me too. He's a good guy.

[He's smiling, casual, relaxed, but his brain is whirring, taking in the construction, possible weapons, ways he might be able to disarm it.]

[Spock's eyebrow goes up at Jack's greeting, but the second one joins it when NOMAD replies. A grating metallic voice announces:

HARKNESS, JACK. LIEUTENANT COMMANDER. SCIENCE DIVISION. SPECIALIZATION IN WEAPONRY.

IS THIS AN ATTEMPT AT OFFENSIVE ACTION?]

I wished the Lieutenant Commander a moment to become acquainted with you, NOMAD. While it is true he is a weapons expert, that also makes him one of the most qualified people to understand technology not our own.

[Vulcans never lie, certainly. But they can make the truth less obvious.]

[Jack manages not to look worried, but there's definitely a brief crinkle to his eyebrows for a moment before his face smooths out and the smile returns. Gosh, he's so at his ease, nothing suspicious going on here.]

Don't worry, nothing offensive going on here.

[He holds out his hand, still smiling.]

So, do you shake hands, or ... ?

[Jim tenses visibly. Spock takes half a step forward, watching NOMAD as Jack extends his hand.]

NOMAD, Mr. Harkness is making an overture of friendship and respect. He is not attempting to attack you.

[Granted, the last officer to approach it had more than making friends in mind, but it was still an approach and an attempt at contact that had apparently triggered the attack. Spock doesn't want a repeat.]

It's okay. I just want to shake hands.

[He reaches out and takes one of NOMAD's 'hands.' Though his shoulders and neck tense in expectation of the stunning blow, his smile and hands stay relaxed.]

It's good to meet you properly, NOMAD.

[Meanwhile, his brain is whirring. Ligosian origin, but it's old as hell. Ligosian designs are way beyond this now, but depending on how old it is, it will still have a degree of sentience - but the defensive capabilities make no sense. Their offensive robots had a completely different design, and the other robots were research and ... security.

Security.

Still smiling, he steps back, looks at the Captain.]

Captain, if I may ask - how has your day been?

[Jim's been watching them closely; the relief when Jack is not stunned across the room is clear from the look on his face.

I'm doing all right, Mr. Harkness, thank you. It's been an experience, having company for such a sustained period of time.

Oh, the diplomacy. If only his Academy instructors could see him now.

And you?]

Just fine, thanks. Had a nice time with some friends earlier.

Besides your company, though, was there anything of note? Anything particularly exciting - say, an hour or so before our friend joined us?

[Sex, a fight, even a vigorous workout ... anything that would get the body's chemicals going.]

[Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<small.[jim>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.]

<small.[Jim frowns slightly. It's clear he doesn't understand the reason for the question.

<i>Average day. I did go on a run along some of the lower decks before my shift today.</i>]</small>

[Bingo.]

How long before your shift was that, Captain? Just curious.

I ran for an hour, and then finished an hour before my shift to leave myself time to shower, change, be ready for duty.

Why?

Just a hunch, Captain.

[That matinee idol smile returns, and he looks at NOMAD.]

NOMAD, may I ask - on Ligos, your function is as a security detail, isn't it?

Jim seems lost by the line of questioning, but NOMAD whirrs to life at his shoulder.

Affirmative.

Jack nods, pleased with himself and his deductions. "And you're here with the captain because his elevated heart rate and levels of adrenaline when you first encountered him led you to believe he was in danger."

Jim and Spock both look surprised, though the Vulcan's response is a more subtle raise of his eyebrows, not the open startle that crosses the captain's face.

Affirmative.

"NOMAD, what can I do to convince you that the captain isn't in danger, and the rest of the crew isn't a threat?" His matinee idol smile is back, hands spread in a gesture of reconciliation and welcoming.

Recreate the conditions preceding NOMAD's arrival for verification.

[Jim sighs, breaking into a grin.]

Looks like I'm getting another run in today.

Okay, all of you: let's go to Deck 39, that's where I was.

[Jack turns to Spock, and though the smile is genuine, there might be more than a passing resemblance to this face.]

Commander?

[...here comes his arm out again.]

[Thankfully one of the faces available to even the most stoic Vulcan is the one Spock deploys now:

>:| ]

Thank you, Mr. Harkness, but I am capable of walking without assistance.

The offer's out there if you change your mind, Commander.

[8D

And they're off, heading to the lower decks.]

May I ask where you gained such knowledge of this type of device?

Research, Commander. Ligosian literature has a lot of information about their robots - they're justifiably proud of the work they've done.

We should perhaps arrange for you to assist in expanding our computer's resources.

I'd be happy to help. Just name the time, Commander, I'll be all yours.

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captaincocksure - 2013-08-05 08:06 (UTC) - Expand

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wolfkissed - 2013-08-10 18:26 (UTC) - Expand

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