isn't that right, darling?

[blacklisle]

The Fake Relationship Meme

You're not together. But you need to make people think you are. Because of reasons.

Maybe you secretly can't stand each other. Maybe you like each other, just not like that. (Or do you?) Maybe this is the only way you'll ever get to be with your crush. Maybe you just need to give off that couple vibe in public, or maybe you're going to be forced to engage in some hot'n'heavy fakeout makeouts. For reasons, okay?

You know the drill. Post, tag, profit.

1. Home For The Holidays ⇢ You need to prove to your parents that you do so have a significant other. Just until they're gone.
2. No Singles Need Apply ⇢ The place is perfect, but the landlady will only rent it to a nice, respectable couple.
3. It's Not Safe For A (Wo)man Alone ⇢ One of you is vulnerable in this big, bad world without a partner to protect you.
4. Public Relations ⇢ There's only one way to stop these pesky rumors: start your own.
5. Undercover Mission ⇢ They'll never suspect a couple of lovey-dovey honeymooners of... whatever it is you're actually up to.
6. Marriage Of Convenience ⇢ It's good for both your families. Or your finances. Or your hetero street cred. Whatever: might as well make the best of it.
7. Well That Escalated Quickly ⇢ It's common knowledge that you're together, except you're the last to know. Is it worth correcting people?
8. Free Space ⇢ Bring your own bottle scenario.

Comments

[lawyerbyday]

Matt's body went through a series of reactions. There was the obvious one of reacting to a woman's giggle and that scandalous tone with someone he was already leaning happily towards, then there was the almost orgasm at the thought of being laden with holy weapons. His heart stopped for a moment, and he had to bite his lip to keep from making a potentially obscene sound. "Is that, ah... something that could happen? What, um... are my options?"

[fomenting_peace]

Oh, so now Mr. Murdock understood that when an angel offers to lend you battle gear, you really should say yes. Aziraphale's grin became much wider than it had been when responding to his innuendo.

"It has to be something I'm proficient with. Think the medieval period or before. Halberd, axe, morningstar, staff, spear. Shields and bucklers, of course. Swords and daggers are the most common, but I think an iron staff would be the most effective choice for you."

[lawyerbyday]

"A staff would be fine." Out of the objects suggested, it was the one closest to what he was used to. He didn't really do knives or swords or morningstars. He liked his batons, which is what Stick had trained him with, but a stave would come close enough.

[fomenting_peace]

Fine? Fine wasn't ideal, and considering that Aziraphale could come up with something just right as long as it was simple enough for her to imagine in detail. "What is your preferred weapon? A full quarterstaff would be rather difficult to carry while on foot in an urban setting."

A quick glance behind as they made it out to sidewalk level confirmed that they were still being followed, though at a greater distance now. They hadn't even left the building quite yet. It made sense, the pursuers were able to fit in at a social event and so they needed to have a certain level of human sophistication.

"They're following our lead. I think it's up to you to find a good place... and it looks they're careful enough to avoid any obvious trap. We may even have to resort to giving the 'wrong impression.'" Yes, the angel had as much as admitted that she did indeed understand the previous innuendo.

[lawyerbyday]

"Batons. I usually have two when I... well, I did. A friend made me some custom ones- I should show you some time." He was keeping pace with the angel at his side, though his steps stuttered when she said- yep. She'd said that. And every cell in his body responded.

"If you're sure it's necessary..." Even if it wasn't, Matt wouldn't say no to that. Sorry, Az, but Matt was hooked.

[fomenting_peace]

It was bad enough when the human was simply flirting, earlier, but his emotional reaction to that idea radiated strongly enough to be downright alarming.

Aziraphale stops dead in her tracks and turns to face him, speaking in a whisper.

"Mr. Murdock? I fear that our interactions are doing you much more harm than good."

[lawyerbyday]

He sighed, stopping when Aziraphale did, shaking his head. "It's fine. It's a somewhat normal reaction to a pretty woman suggesting something as appealing as that, even if it is play. Let's just say that I likely wouldn't have reacted so... mm... strongly if you weren't so physically appealing. I prefer this gender, after all. Fake making out with an appealing guy is different than fake making out with an appealing woman." Even if they were one in the same, she was very much a she like this, and it hit all his buttons.

[fomenting_peace]

Aziraphale tilts her head to the side, considering him. "You're really that vulnerable to Lust? You would react just as strongly to a human?"

She hadn't put much time into the design of this physical form, which meant skimping a bit on the process of adding imperfections. She wasn't glowing like an iconic angel in her full glory or anything like that but Aziraphale had definitely been turning heads. That can't have made it any easier on him.

[lawyerbyday]

Matt laughed, a deep down belly laugh as he shook his head. "You haven't seen some of my questionable life choices. My last girlfriend tried to kill me." Matt had a type. That type was 'anyone bad for him'. It was like catnip. And Aziraphale in female form was ironically on the opposite spectrum from Elektra, but just as tempting.

His hand was on hers again, patting it gently. "It's not about the way you look, though what I can... ah, see of you is striking. It's the whole thing. You're a beautiful being, Az. What's not to be attracted to? Besides, I spend my nights running around on rooftops stopping crime. I'm a bit of an adrenaline junkie." He smiled crookedly at her, not noticing how easily the shorthand of her name slipped out.

[fomenting_peace]

It was inevitable that such vulnerability would cause serious problems for him. Try as he might, Matt Murdock would be doomed to leave behind a trail of broken hearts. Mostly his own.

Aziraphale edges closer, whispering even more quietly. "Alright. I'm going to trust you on this, but you need to be aware of your own limits." On tiptoes now, she leans in to press her lips softly against his. Slowly, this time. A quick peck wouldn't convince anybody.

[lawyerbyday]

He might be susceptible to lust and bad decisions, but he wasn't one to force himself where he wasn't wanted. He knew in every part of his mind that Aziraphale was doing this for show and had no intention of following through. His body didn't seem to get that memo and reacted accordingly- in that way that he had no control over. But his hands were gentle on her waist, not pulling her in closer, and his kiss was just as tentative and soft, even though his heart was pounding and his lips were buzzing.

She still tasted delicious.

[fomenting_peace]

It wasn't really a case of forcing himself where he wasn't wanted. Aziraphale had always been so shy about touching humans, she had seen the devastating effects of having an overly-affectionate angelic lover and didn't want to be responsible for making the same mistake. She had never tried testing the boundaries, better safe than sorry.

But kissing Mr. Murdock had turned out to be so very pleasant. It couldn't be that bad a thing to do, could it?

Aziraphale giggles against his lips and pulls in much closer, her arms wrapping around his shoulders.

[lawyerbyday]

One thing Matt had never counted on having to deal with; how to be embraced by an angelic celestial being while sporting a raging erection? He tucked his hips away, butt jutting out a bit to save her from that... ah... prodding, but he happily let her wrap herself closer on the upper half. In fact, he went along with it to the point of letting his tongue slip out to tease along the seam of her lips. She still tasted orgasmically delicious, and he found himself smiling just a little into the kiss, letting out a soft sigh.

It might seem like all of his senses were on her (to be fair, most of them were), but Matt was like a predator. And even when mating was in the forefront of his mind, so was protecting that thing he held most dear. Their prey hadn't quite stepped into their trap yet.

No harm in indulging just a little more...

[fomenting_peace]

She made a surprised-but-delighted sort of "meep!" sound at the touch of his tongue and Aziraphale arched her back and turned her head to pull away from the kiss without actually pulling away. This involved sharply pressing her hips forward so that she was bending over backward to stay in the embrace. Curiously, she was much more comfortable with the experience of being pressed up against an erection (through two sets of clothing) than skin-to-skin contact.

Putting her hand over her mouth in a shy sort of attempt at modesty, almost like covering a yawn, she giggled again and then spoke at almost a conversational volume. "Shouldn't we find somewhere a little more private?"

Or more combat-ready, same thing. The lurkers weren't fully corporeal after all. They had partly melted into the shadows, though they were still wary enough to keep their distance. Not wary enough to escape the notice of an angel of Aziraphale's rank, but they didn't seem to know that.

[lawyerbyday]

For one bright, fleeting moment, he very much wished that she meant that the way his body wanted her to mean that. Especially when she moved to press against him and- oh dear god. A slow exhale through his nose, and he nodded, hand at the small of her back as he moved to draw her further down into the privacy of the dark that they were luring their would-be attackers to. "As you wish, Angel."

Yep. Matt Murdock was going to hell.

[fomenting_peace]

She lowered her voice again, perfectly happy with the physical affection even though it didn't induce any erotic interest for her. "So... how long of a baton do you typically wield?"

This time, Aziraphale clearly had no clue that her words could be taken as a double entendre.

[lawyerbyday]

Well... he was only so good at being a good boy. When she said that, he gave a gentle press of his hips, brows waggling at her as a hand smoothed her hair away from her shoulder. "You tell me."

[fomenting_peace]

She gave him a mildly scolding look. "Hmm. Not quite the size of Adam's, but he was naked and without shame. You're wearing clothes."

They still had plenty of time for light banter.

[lawyerbyday]

He had to react to that. "You... and Adam? Really? I mean... not that I'm comparing but... huh." How exactly had Aziraphale known what Adam's lower half looked like while aroused- ah. Peeping angels.

[fomenting_peace]

"I was assigned to guard Eden, keeping watch over God's brand-new most beloved creations."

She extricated herself gently back to a suitable strolling position. "Biology is still the most bizarre thing He ever made. Not even Adam could figure out what that bit was supposed to do."

[lawyerbyday]

"Really?" He had to subtly adjust himself before they continued walking, tucking her hand in the crook of his arm. "I'm sure he managed. It only takes a little, ah, figuring out before you get it."

Teenage boys, Aziraphale. They were disgusting creatures.

[fomenting_peace]

"It was Eve who came up with the answer when she noticed what lesser animals were doing with theirs."

Such scandalous discussions! By human standards, anyway. Most celestial beings were completely uninterested in such things, and it wasn't as if Aziraphale had told the stories before.

[lawyerbyday]

"I imagine that went over well." Matt was utterly fascinated with the notion that the bible had reality behind it, and that he was talking to someone who factually knew the stories.

[fomenting_peace]

"Oh, they had a few kinks to work out first." (Pun definitely not intended) "Being upright meant they had tinker a little to discover the most convenient approach."

Aziraphale glanced around and assumed they were almost there. "Perhaps you could hold your hands apart to give me a rough idea of weapon length? It's best if I can get it right on the first try."

[lawyerbyday]

He smirked again- really, he couldn't help it. But he wound up showing her with his hands about how long the batons he carried usually were. "Definitely longer than what I, ah, have to work with." But hey, Matt was a girthy bo-- nope. Not going there.