bakerstreet | tell me

Peter was nervous. Really nervous. Like... throw up any moment type of nervous. "Tell her best friend/the girl you're sleeping with that you have feelings for her and possibly ruin everything" nervous. Which made sense because he was about to tell Arya that he had feelings about her so... yeah.

Taking a deep breath Peter told himself that this was for the best and everything would work out in the end he peeked into her window. Which would be super creepy except he did this all the time even when she knew he was coming over, it just made sense to check before he snuck in. When he saw that no one was in there with her he took another big breath and knocked on the window.

Oh, there was a nice surprise. Arya had started considering just leaving her window cracked most of the time, so he could just let himself in, except she didn't think she could convince him not to knock.

"Hey," she grinned, opening the window for him, and then got a better look at his face. "Oh - what's wrong, honey?"

"Hey," Peter said, grinning back despite himself. No amount of nerves or anxiety could make him not happy to see Arya Stark, especially when she smiled at him and just... yeah. Just everything. But apparently he didn't smile fast enough though, or she just knew him well enough to tell that something was up.

"That obvious, huh?" he said, crawling in through the window. How should he start this off? He didn't want to drag it out and make her anxious too but he knew it was a lot to unload on her. "I- I want to talk. About... about my feelings. For you."

"You're kind of easy to read."

That quite literally stopped her in her tracks on her way to sit back on her bed. She was not prepared for this - even though there had been a couple times she had thought this was where a conversation was going. She'd been wrong every time, then, and she had - gotten complacent, did that even apply here? It took her a few minutes to even reply. "...Oh."

Well done. "...Is this when you've realized you've overhyped me a bit in your own head?" That was the weakest joke she'd ever made, but she didn't want to go to anger - oh, how things have changed - and she didn't know what else to say.

Peter wanted to say something like "not possible" but he was pretty sure that gushing at her about how amazing she was would just make her more uncomfortable. He thought that maybe if he could avoid going there then he might have a chance. Plus he had to hold on to the hope that she felt the same way, even just a little bit? He wasn't going to confess his love to her, he might as well just jump out the window at that point, but he had to let her know there was something more to what he felt for her.

"I'm sorry for springing this on you," he said, careful to not apologize for his feelings because he wasn't sorry for them, not even a little. Well, maybe a little if it meant it would ruin what they had but he had to believe that wasn't going to happen. "I just... don't know how else to bring it up. You're my best friend and... I have feelings for you. I mean that's obvious, of course I have feelings for you. But they're... they're romantic feelings. And I'm not asking for things to change or anything even though I know they have to a little but I just- I just want you to know. Because it feels like tricking you at this point if I don't let you know and I don't want that."

"I..."

Okay. Equilibrium. She sat back down, trying for a little equilibrium. She could - maybe she could do this. "I don't know what to say."

"I know you think - a lot of me but I mean, seriously, you could find somebody so much better to have romantic feelings for. I'm not - And you could have your pick, you really honestly could, you're so good. But me, there's - something missing in me or something."

Peter expected something like this. He wasn't sure how deep her feeling of "something missing" went but he knew when he started this that it wouldn't be about him not being enough or whatever, even though it maybe should be.

"Arya, there isn't anyone better. Not for me. There's no picking there's no... I've found the only person I want to have those feelings for. The only one I come even close to having them for. And you could have anyone you wanted to, I know you could. No one is perfect... but sometimes you find the person that's perfect for you."

'The only person.' That's... that makes it hard to breathe, a bit. She looked away, and just managed biting her tongue on the urge to prove that she wasn't anything like he thought. It wasn't true, he did know her, and the idea of pretending he didn't was worse than this. She can't think of much else to say, though, that isn't - this has still put her right into defensive mode.

"That doesn't sound like not wanting anything to change."

“What do you think would change?” he asked. Because he honestly didn’t know because he’d been having these feelings for a while now and it had been going fine. But he had acknowledged them and had just not waved a banner about it. So having her have to deal with this all of a sudden probably wasn’t fair but he had to think she’d wrestled with this a bit.

“I mean that because I don’t know and I want... I wish I could have known what would because and don’t want to ruin this. You- you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Super powers, Avengers, all of that stuff... you’re the best. And I’m so, so lucky to have you be the best thing to ever happen to me.”

"I don't know! You -" No, no, she can't answer that, she can't say that. She shook her head, trying to force even that thought away. That was part of what was scary - not much would change, except then she could end up disappointing him, hurting him, so much worse.

"You - I don't see how I could be... that. Please don't explain, I don't think I can take it." How could she simultaneously be sure he knew her better than anybody had, and terrified that he saw some shinier version of her, through rose colored glasses?

"How long?"

Peter could tell that he’d hurt her. Or upset her, or something. It wasn’t good whatever it was that he’d done and he felt awful about it. She didn’t even want to listen to him try and explain himself.

He wished he had thrown up before because now he really did feel sick. He felt hot and clammy as well and like he couldn’t hear very well, like everything was coming from a long distance away. Why has he done this? Living with the guilt of keeping this secret would have been better, right? Okay, no he couldn’t really do that but he wished that he could.

“For a few months,” he said with a shrug. There are definite moments where he could recognize big moments in his feelings but he wasn’t sure when it became something so much more.

"A few months?" Alright, maybe this would be the thing that made her stop doubting he could keep secrets. No, that isn't true - because if it were really a secret, she wouldn't have already been scared he was going to say this.

"And that's shrug worthy?" Oh, fuck, she could've hurt him so thoroughly.

Edited 2019-04-21 19:11 (UTC)

“I was shrugging because I wasn’t exactly sure and because like... see? It’s been happening for a while and it wasn’t horrible. It wasn’t, was it?” Peter asked. Maybe it was horrible for her, maybe he’d been obvious and she knew and had been miserable all this time. Peter doubted it but he had trouble not assuming the worst at times.

“I- I tried hard not to make you feel pressured about it. And there’s no pressure here! I just want you to know because it feels wrong to keep hiding it from you.”

"No, it - of course it wasn't horrible," at least she could be pretty sure she hadn't hurt him, if he was saying it wasn't horrible, but there was still a lot of room between not horrible and good. She can look at him again after that, though.

"You should've told me then. What if - I should've gotten to know that I could hurt you like that at least!"

"You - you must have some idea what you want now. You can't just say you don't know. That's - you know I'm not good at this, I don't know what we do here."

“How do you think you could have hurt me? Arya I meant it when I said this is the happiest I’ve been,” Peter said. He wanted her to know that she was responsible for that and that he wasn’t just saying things. She was incredible and why wouldn’t he want to be with her? He just wasn’t sure if she wanted to be with him, that had always been his worry.

“I didn’t think you would react well if I told you then. I- I thought it would freak you out. I’m still worried you’ll get freaked out or hurt and I just... hoped you’ll freak out or be hurt less,” he said, hanging his head and staring at the ground, like his shoes were suddenly really interesting. “And why does anything have to change?”

Easily, she thought, but she wasn't going to list the ways. All sorts of random comments or jokes she's sure she made, or if someone else had caught her eye - and she's not going to think about the fact that no one had right now, nope. "You look like I've hurt you right now."

Oh, she's freaked out. She hadn't thought she was hiding that even a little. But fine, it would've probably have been worse. She can't say that, though, not now. "I don't know. If... I don't know."

“This is just me wishing there was an easier way to do this, that I didn’t find a better way,” he said. Because this was all up to him, he was the one that initiated this and he couldn’t think of a better way than something like this.

“You don’t... you don’t have to say or do or decide anything right now. I don’t want to lose my best friend but I don’t want to lie to my best friend either. If you need space or time or something...”

"I don't think there is any other way, better or not. You didn't do it over text, so well done for that." That was a good sign, wasn't it? It had still felt natural to tease, and though there might be a tinge of sarcasm to the 'well done,' it wasn't bitter or angry.

She wasn't angry, really. That was... something. The fear, though - she couldn't claim that felt any better.

"I... don't know what I need. You see? How can you - who reacts like this?"

"You haven't lost me. When I say that isn't possible," and gods know she says it enough, "I mean it."

“I was actually going to send a letter actually to be super fancy,” he said. Just the idea was ridiculous and was kind of the ultimate coward way to do it. Just let her get it whenever and then leave it up to her. That would be hilarious if it wouldn’t be so awful.

“And I’m glad, I’m really glad because... well because if a lot of reasons that would probably make you uncomfortable if I listed them all but... because you’re my best friend and you make me happier than anyone else.”

That actually almost managed to make her smile. "Thank you for not actually doing something super fancy. That would've been..." Arya might have died. Definitely wouldn't have been able to not get angry. Although if she'd gotten a letter, she probably would've just thought it was bullshit.

"I'm already uncomfortable. I don't mean to make you feel bad, it's not your fault that I'm - like this. But I am. It... I know you don't agree but you've got shit luck, catching feelings for me."

"Yeah no. I knew this wasn't going to go smoothly because... how could it? Between any two people. Feelings are a mess."

Oh he was absolutely going to send her a letter now. You know, assuming they got all this stuff straightened out. He could already imagine how amusing she would find it. Assuming they could get back to the sort of place where that would be amusing and not... something else.

"And I know. I don't want to make it worse than I already have. And you're right, I don't agree. I think I've got the best luck. Should... should I go? Just so you know I didn't expect a big declaration or anything on your part. I didn't know what I expected I just... wanted to let you know."

"I think it goes more smoothly than this for most people when you tell them you have feelings for them."

Definitely give that a while. If he did that now, she might actually slap him. And she honestly had never really wanted to hit him. Shake him a bit maybe after he climbed up her wall that first time, but not hit.

Oh, she wished he hadn't said he was expecting a big declaration. She hadn't actually thought that he might have been expecting that. "No, I... No, I'm not asking you to go."

"Maybe? I dunno. I don't have or want feelings for most people. Just you," Peter said. He wanted her to know that he wasn't upset or disappointed by her response at all. Most people weren't worth doing this sort of thing with but she was.

"I know you're not but I wasn't sure if you needed some time by yourself to process this or something," he said, moving over and sitting on her bed. Not right next to her but closer to her than he was by the window. "Basically I want you to know that any reaction is okay."

"See - shit luck." Okay, that might have sounded a little bitter, a little angry. It wasn't because of him, but even if she had the capacity to try and convince him of that right now, well - she usually failed at that too anyways, didn't she?

"It's not, though! You're being kind, that's who you are, but this isn't - I shouldn't -"

"Never mind."

Arya Stark | asoiaf modern | ota

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here goes!

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