bakerstreet | tell me

"No, it - of course it wasn't horrible," at least she could be pretty sure she hadn't hurt him, if he was saying it wasn't horrible, but there was still a lot of room between not horrible and good. She can look at him again after that, though.

"You should've told me then. What if - I should've gotten to know that I could hurt you like that at least!"

"You - you must have some idea what you want now. You can't just say you don't know. That's - you know I'm not good at this, I don't know what we do here."

“How do you think you could have hurt me? Arya I meant it when I said this is the happiest I’ve been,” Peter said. He wanted her to know that she was responsible for that and that he wasn’t just saying things. She was incredible and why wouldn’t he want to be with her? He just wasn’t sure if she wanted to be with him, that had always been his worry.

“I didn’t think you would react well if I told you then. I- I thought it would freak you out. I’m still worried you’ll get freaked out or hurt and I just... hoped you’ll freak out or be hurt less,” he said, hanging his head and staring at the ground, like his shoes were suddenly really interesting. “And why does anything have to change?”

Easily, she thought, but she wasn't going to list the ways. All sorts of random comments or jokes she's sure she made, or if someone else had caught her eye - and she's not going to think about the fact that no one had right now, nope. "You look like I've hurt you right now."

Oh, she's freaked out. She hadn't thought she was hiding that even a little. But fine, it would've probably have been worse. She can't say that, though, not now. "I don't know. If... I don't know."

“This is just me wishing there was an easier way to do this, that I didn’t find a better way,” he said. Because this was all up to him, he was the one that initiated this and he couldn’t think of a better way than something like this.

“You don’t... you don’t have to say or do or decide anything right now. I don’t want to lose my best friend but I don’t want to lie to my best friend either. If you need space or time or something...”

"I don't think there is any other way, better or not. You didn't do it over text, so well done for that." That was a good sign, wasn't it? It had still felt natural to tease, and though there might be a tinge of sarcasm to the 'well done,' it wasn't bitter or angry.

She wasn't angry, really. That was... something. The fear, though - she couldn't claim that felt any better.

"I... don't know what I need. You see? How can you - who reacts like this?"

"You haven't lost me. When I say that isn't possible," and gods know she says it enough, "I mean it."

“I was actually going to send a letter actually to be super fancy,” he said. Just the idea was ridiculous and was kind of the ultimate coward way to do it. Just let her get it whenever and then leave it up to her. That would be hilarious if it wouldn’t be so awful.

“And I’m glad, I’m really glad because... well because if a lot of reasons that would probably make you uncomfortable if I listed them all but... because you’re my best friend and you make me happier than anyone else.”

That actually almost managed to make her smile. "Thank you for not actually doing something super fancy. That would've been..." Arya might have died. Definitely wouldn't have been able to not get angry. Although if she'd gotten a letter, she probably would've just thought it was bullshit.

"I'm already uncomfortable. I don't mean to make you feel bad, it's not your fault that I'm - like this. But I am. It... I know you don't agree but you've got shit luck, catching feelings for me."

"Yeah no. I knew this wasn't going to go smoothly because... how could it? Between any two people. Feelings are a mess."

Oh he was absolutely going to send her a letter now. You know, assuming they got all this stuff straightened out. He could already imagine how amusing she would find it. Assuming they could get back to the sort of place where that would be amusing and not... something else.

"And I know. I don't want to make it worse than I already have. And you're right, I don't agree. I think I've got the best luck. Should... should I go? Just so you know I didn't expect a big declaration or anything on your part. I didn't know what I expected I just... wanted to let you know."

"I think it goes more smoothly than this for most people when you tell them you have feelings for them."

Definitely give that a while. If he did that now, she might actually slap him. And she honestly had never really wanted to hit him. Shake him a bit maybe after he climbed up her wall that first time, but not hit.

Oh, she wished he hadn't said he was expecting a big declaration. She hadn't actually thought that he might have been expecting that. "No, I... No, I'm not asking you to go."

"Maybe? I dunno. I don't have or want feelings for most people. Just you," Peter said. He wanted her to know that he wasn't upset or disappointed by her response at all. Most people weren't worth doing this sort of thing with but she was.

"I know you're not but I wasn't sure if you needed some time by yourself to process this or something," he said, moving over and sitting on her bed. Not right next to her but closer to her than he was by the window. "Basically I want you to know that any reaction is okay."

"See - shit luck." Okay, that might have sounded a little bitter, a little angry. It wasn't because of him, but even if she had the capacity to try and convince him of that right now, well - she usually failed at that too anyways, didn't she?

"It's not, though! You're being kind, that's who you are, but this isn't - I shouldn't -"

"Never mind."

"No, it's not. And I'm being kind because I care about you. I'll drop it if you want but I don't regret my feelings for you for one second," he said, which was mostly true. Sometimes he regretted letting them get out of hand and make her uncomfortable but he never regretted having them and not about her.

"Or is it more like you feel like you have shit luck because I have feelings for you?"

"You don't now." It didn't feel fair, saying that, but she was too far in it now.

And that - that just ate away at whatever self control she had left. "If that was what I meant, I would've said that - and I wouldn't have fucked you in the first place. Don't be stupid."

And she had almost not gotten mad.

"No I don't. Because even if they make things complicated my feelings for you make me happy," he said. Peter wasn't about to say that they made him a better person but he thought that maybe they did. That sounded fake though without him going into a huge explanation which, again, he was pretty sure would freak her out more.

"I'm not being stupid I'm just being not entirely sure how to have this conversation, Arya. I'm asking because maybe you're feeling both things or maybe just because I'm worried about that and I want reassurance and am too afraid to sound needy or something."

That by itself sounded unbelievable to her, enough that she looked him in the eye, serious and not - it's a look on her face he probably hasn't seen before, with considerably less of the energy there usually is in her expression. "Why? I mean - I don't see how it could, when I can't - when I'm like this."

"No, I'm not feeling both things." That's... she wanted to make him feel better, she really did, but she was distinctly lacking in reassurance to offer right now. "Not feeling what you just said at all. I know I'm lucky."

"When you're like what? Arya you're the most amazing person I know. And I see parts of you that are so great that no one else gets to see and I think maybe you don't see," Peter said, his heart breaking. Not because she didn't reciprocate her feelings but because she thought she was anything less than incredible, that he was anything less than thrilled to be close to her like this.

"You don't have to be anything for me other than who you are. That's all I want. That's the person I'm crazy about. You. You as you are right this second. That's my best friend, that's the person I have all these feelings for."

"I think you aren't seeing the parts of me that aren't great. I don't know if it's willful or I've tricked you, somehow, or if you just do that for most people but. That's what I think." Broken, mostly, was what she meant. Cold. Cold felt like a very apt description of herself to herself.

"And what if you're disappointed? What if it turns out that's just because I'm the only, the first, person to let you get it in? That's a pretty heavy thing."

"I know you're not perfect. No one is perfect. I think that the ways your great are bigger and more important than any flaws. I mean... I'm a wreck sometimes and blame myself for things I know can't possibly be my fault but you don't kick me to to the curb because of that," Peter pointed out. They both and their flaws and Peter hadn't even mentioned some of his worse ones, about how he was worried that he was going to lose her because he lost everyone he loved. Or how he strove so hard for the approval of other people.

"Do you- you think that's it?" he said, visibly hurt by those words. Of course she thought that was maybe it because she'd said it. Like she pointed out she wouldn't have said it if she didn't think it was true. Running his hands through his hear he had to stand up and pace, his heart beating so hard he could physically feel the pounding in his chest. "You think this is all because I've never had sex with anyone else."

Yeah, that definitely felt like a knife in his chest right there.

Oh, fuck. "Peter -"

That's what she'd been scared of - or the tip of that iceberg, anyways. But she could move, more easily than she'd been able to before, cause she has to - has to follow him across the room, put her arms around him from behind. "I'm not saying it is. I'm sorry. I don't even actually think that - I did at first, but if it's been months... That would've faded, wouldn't it? If that were all..."

The next bit is quiet, but she managed to say it even if the only way she could was by pressing her face against his back. "I'm scared."

Peter stopped moving the instant he felt her arms around him and actually relaxed... a lot. Having her hold him felt good. More than that it felt right to have her do that. This was the sort of thing he didn't want to lose by admitting his feelings. Peter could even give up the sex before he gave up this sort of thing. Probably.

"But I wanted to have sex with you because of all the reasons you're amazing. That all came first," he said. The feelings came after but he still thought those were genuine and a response to getting to know her better.

"Ayra what are you scared of?" he said, also very softly as he did his best to wrap his arms around her arms that were wrapped around him.

Oh, she really wanted to refuse to answer that. Just give an outright no, no she could not have this conversation, nope she was just going to be a coward today and the world would just have to deal with that, end of. Except that wasn't who she was, really, and this was - him.

She tightened her grip first though, because - it was a little harder doing this while she was touching him, but it would be impossible if he tried to look at her.

"I'm going to hurt you. I just did! I'll hurt you or disappoint you or end up being too much or too little of something or a hundred things, or my family will get overwhelming and they'll be too much, and you'll - you'll change your mind. You'll regret it."

Oh gosh, his heart broke for her again. She was scared because she wanted to not hurt him, because she was thinking about his needs more than her own. It wasn't because he wasn't good enough or something like that but that he'd regret being wit her.

"Arya... Babe no. I mean... yes if you say you're afraid of that you are I just... there's is no one I would trust more than you. I- so many people in my life have hurt me. Mostly be leaving. And it hurt because I cared about them so much. And I know that caring means opening yourself up to hurting but... I also know that when you find someone that's worth it? Then you don't let the hurting scare you away."

At least that's how Peter felt about it. And he could tell that she was scared of losing him, of opening herself up like that and being hurt because he left her. And Peter couldn't tell her that would never happen because boy did he know people left you. But he knew he'd do anything he could to make her happy.

"I-"

She took a deep breath, and then took another few minutes - quite a few minutes - to just stay there and take a few more deep breaths, and then she pulled away, slow. She felt - she didn't know what. Not convinced, not yet. She had listened to everything he said, and she couldn't say she disagreed, but it felt - distant, not - she didn't know. She felt - tired.

"So for now, nothing changes?"

Peter didn't move while she just stood there against him, afraid to move because he didn't want to ruin this moment where she was just holding him. He desperately wanted to ask her what he was thinking but was worried maybe he wouldn't like the answer or he would interrupt her coming to some sort of conclusion.

"Yeah, nothing has to change," Peter said, turning around to face her. "I promise. I just wanted you to know is all."

That still didn't really seem possible to her, certainly didn't seem like something he could promise, but she did not have anywhere near the energy required to go down that road. Maybe when all of this felt less like some weird dream - or maybe when she could figure out why this felt like some weird dream, even though she'd caught herself bracing for it a few times. Maybe when she was less irritated that Sansa was right, that apparently you couldn't take someone's virginity and expect them not to develop feelings. She hadn't, her first time.

"Why now? I know you said you felt bad about me not knowing, but - that must've been true the whole time, right? So why now?"

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