bakerstreet | Sexting Tuesday

[ aren't they all. Rocky effortlessly lulls her into a cycle of petting him, resting her hand on his chest, and petting him again when he snorts or stretches insistently. her focus becomes split between him and the movie, which doesn't take much to follow.

she keeps her whiskey in her other hand and drinks along to the cadence of the film, finishing off the first of her poured double at the peak of the second act. eventually, Rocky's legs get tired and he lolls back onto his side. he jams his head into the crook of her hip and goes to sleep with his goofy face looking like he's legit smiling. who invented this breed of dog, what jOKER

and why are things so good right now, and have they ever been this good? she gets antsier the nearer to the close the film draws but staggers her drinking for appearances. now would be an ideal time for the dog to have a dogmare and bite her, if that's a thing, but he's snoring soundly in her lap. she's not going to get any help ruining the mood from him. ]

[ dogmare bitings are very rare so she's shit out of luck. frank finishes his coffee and sets it aside, tossing a loose arm around the back of the sofa and putting up his feet on the coffee table. he gets caught up in the film for a while, seeming charmed by it though he's seen it a handful of times probably. he scoots so his head touches down on her shoulder this time, glancing over in time to see her take a drink. she's slowing down, he's never sure if that's a good thing or not. ]

Wanna refill? [ he's comfy but like, she knows he'll do it. ]

[ Jess takes stock of the pitbull pinning her down. he seems undisturbed by Frank's words and continues his steady sleeping. one of Jess's feet is asleep, trapped under her thigh which is stuck under Rocky's head. she could knock him off of her but then she'd have to hop across the room to top up her own drink. the point would be utterly self-defeating. ]

Yeah. Thanks. [ she hands her glass off to him when he's ready, engrossing herself in the onscreen action. ]

You got it.

[ he slides up, plucking the glass from her hand at the same time he presses a firm kiss to her temple, overshooting it and catching at the corner of her eye. frank smiles softly and goes on to the kitchen, taking the opportunity for a stretch as he refills her glass. he contemplates pouring a drink for himself but still doesn't want one, so he pads back in before too long and hands the glass back. he's thinking about that time she came here, drunk off her face. he blinks a few times before sitting back down, watching her idly more than the movie without realizing he's staring. ]

[ Rocky wakes up and rolls reluctantly onto his belly so he can leap off the couch if need be. instead, he's satisfied watching Frank disappear into the kitchen. Jess takes the opportunity to slip her leg out and drop it to the floor. two front paws are slung across her thigh to ensure she doesn't take off too. Jess pats Rocky's head and sink back into the couch, swinging her numb leg left and right to urge some sensation to return.

when her drink is in her hand again, she abandons the pins and needles to work themselves out. Jess has a sip as Frank settles in, then a swallow as he minds her, intentionally or not. she has a third swig, her largest, before ducking her head down against his shoulder. comfortable and strategic: he can't read her face while she enjoys these last few simple, saccharine moments as a decent couple. ]

[ he's content with that, fingers running idly through her hair and playing over the back of her neck and behind her ear, tracing that scar absently without realizing he's doing it. he's watching the movie without paying it any attention, it's winding down anyway and he turns to press a kiss against her forehead before settling back down. ]

What'd you think? [ frank murmurs as the credits roll, voice edging towards sleepy. ]

[ It's almost like he's intuited her plan and fallen in line with it without a word. She closes her eyes towards the end, the dialogue lilting with the presence and elocution inherent to the Old Hollywood star set. below that, his heart thuds calmly against her ear. she lifts her head once to drink, as she questions herself more rigorously: Is this the right time? Is it even necessary? if he doesn't believe her, nothing changes, so is that what she's hoping for?

the bourbon doesn't drown out the clucking of her fears but it does mottle it into an indistinct rumble. it ratchets up along with her pulse. thankfully, though, it doesn't get any clearer, and Frank cuts through it when he speaks. Jess drags her head up, props her chin on his chest to look at him. ]

I liked watching it. [ she nudges at his jaw with her nose, then kisses the same spot with a sigh. ]

[ he smiles softly as she picks her head up to meet his eyes, though his shutter at her soft attention as his hand slips down to trace at the top of her spine. ]

Good.

[ that's all he strives for, to give her somewhere calm to go. well, calmer, calm-ish even works in a pinch. right now they're fitting that description he thinks, just them and a lazy mutt full of love for jess. and rocky isn't the only one who's smitten. ]

What now?

[ it's asked with no urgency at all, they're in from their big outing and could just sit here in silence for all he cared. but there seems to be distinctly something going on with her. he's not getting anywhere trying to read her so he just asks, ] Still mad?

No. [ she goes from looking into his eyes to looking around them, mapping the creases and coarse features of his face. the smallest tell of pity, sympathy or reluctance will strike her with the enormity of a food truck, and watching for it isn't helping her come up with the right words. Jess contemplates sipping her drink even as she rests her head where it was during the end of the film, allowing the opportunity to pass her by. maybe she won't need it. ]

I was thinking about telling you why... that happened. But it's not a good story and I'm not good at telling it. [ clearly. They can just go to bed instead. they can wait another year for her to put the offer on the table again, or just until she flirts with another flashback, whichever comes first. it's an untenable foundation for a relationship yet it's kept them standing this long. ]

[ the 'no' doesn't make him feel anything but more concern, and that's the only thing she'll be able to read on his face if she looks. care, for her, for every piece of her. his other hand touches at her waist so he can try to unravel some to face her, but not too far away so she doesn't have to deal with his eye contact if she doesn't want to. he knows that's hard for her when things like this arise. and sure enough, It's not a good story. which can only really mean one thing. fingers work idly against her scalp, but he's trying not to coddle her, in times like this he knows for himself that sometimes he just needs everything to stop. ]

I'm listenin' if you're talkin'.

[ that's it. no urge either way as he locks their knees together and leans his shoulder back against the sofa. if she tells him, then he can know how to avoid this again, though obviously cakes and singing at restaurants are a no-go. he's just trying to start some new memories, ones that don't make one or the other of them ache. it's proven exceptionally challenging in the past and today was no different. ]

[ Damn. she never expected him to accept the out but a big, numb part of her held out hope anyway. Jess has a deep breath, testing the weight of the glass in her hand. she sets it down on her leg knowing she has enough to make it through the telling to the end, as long as she sticks to crucial details. there is no point in digging up Reva, Ruben or the truth of Hope's suicide. everything involving Luke is his own baggage to share -- though if the two of them ever did meet, jesus christ -- and the same goes for Trish. which still leaves her with too much trauma to sort through. if she only gets as close as the guilt, she should be fine. ]

I wasn't mind controlled at the docks, when I snapped that man's neck. Kilgrave. [ to prevent spontaneously shattering her glass, her arm stiffens from shoulder to grip ] But he'd been in my head before. His power worked on me when we met and he abducted me off the street. [ she takes a breather, tuning into his touch again and trying to ground herself in his ministrations. after he doesn't interrupt her with stupid questions, she leaves the answers to what they would have been implied. he was the Punisher. he knows what happens to women grabbed by strangers at night. ]

I was with him for a long time. I was always fighting but... it's not like you think it is. [ or people think it is. she's not the rambling type; he can separate himself from the general "you" or he can not, whatever. ] He said something and you wanted it. You feel like you want to do it. You don't want to say no even if it's all you can think, the real you. [ now she is rambling. Jess straightens poorly, just enough to have a gulp of bourbon. make it two. ]

[ he knows about kilgrave in a cursory way. in the way everyone in hell's kitchen knew, then forgot. except he doesn't even know him that intimately since he wasn't around when all of that happened to her. frank hates that he wasn't there and it's irrational. he had two kids and a wife then, he was a goddamn marine. his hand falls out of her hair in case she doesn't want to be touched, dropping to his knee instead as he watches her drink. he knows too why she drinks - again, it's vague, she's never told him the details and she didn't have to. he wants to dig that guy up and flatten him again, but frank says nothing. he listens, like he promised.

off the street though, god. he didn't know that part. and he didn't know how it worked, how that shitstain had the world eating from the palm of his hand. it isn't so unlike agent orange, maybe, injecting his ideals into all of his followers. but maybe that's just a cop-out. he supposedly had the freedom to leave all along, just not the will. jessica had that in spades and then some, and he wants to know how she beat him. he's already in awe of her from the first act, but again he stays quiet, nodding to show he's still with her. ]

[ she doesn't have the energy to read into his stillness and navigate a confession at the same time. Jess fits into the same warm spots along him but somewhat more jaggedly than before. the bourbon is quick to weigh her down and trick her into thinking she's comfortable. at first, her head stays up, but it's not long after she continues that it's back to resting against him. ]

It was just a relationship to him. He couldn't do a damn thing himself, never paid for shit, so we'd just go from hotel to hotel, restaurant to restaurant. [ she's too drunk now for the memories that reach her to be anything but imprints and blurs of fear. ] He'd throw tantrums and hurt people, make them hurt themselves. Make me watch. I couldn't stop it from happening. [ unless the rules of the day allowed her to squeeze out a protest and he felt like hearing her beg. Jess still isn't quite hitting on the crux of her trigger but she doesn't know how to say that the way the other patrons would look at her, trapped in their seats, made her feel as damned as he did. to know she lives in their minds alongside him, as his accomplice or his woman, but fundamentally "his", exactly how he wanted it to be. ] I couldn't tell anyone I wanted to. [ she sat there and ate, and smiled. punchy capper but Jess doesn't feel like saying any more. ]

[ a relationship, jesus. it comes as she plunks her head back against his chest and he tenses for a second, heart racing with how much he wants to do violence to a dead man. how much he wants to do violence to anyone right now just to let some of the rage out. instead, his arms fold neatly around her and quickly tighten in a firm hug. she can shove him away if she doesn't want it, but he's going for it. he thinks he needs it before the dam breaks over both of their heads. ]

Jess... [ his voice is strained, but he's suddenly awash with gratitude that she found the strength to tell him this. it helps, he hopes it helped her but he knows it will help him help her, even if it's only by not reminding her of all the sick shit that asshole did to her. one hand gently cradles the back of her head, legs stretching across the couch so he can nudge rocky off and instead pull her against the entirety of his body. goddamnit, jessica jones. only she could suffer with something like this alone. ] You don't have to say anything else. It's okay.

[ of course, nothing is okay. but he knows how hard just that snippet was, could hear it in every clipped syllable. she still blames herself, just like he blames himself for his family, so frank doesn't tell her it isn't her fault. he doesn't say sorry it happened, he doesn't say he loves her. all of those things are true but he's doing his best to show her instead by being an anchor point for her to cling to in this moment. ]

[ he's containing his rage for her sake, growing taut underneath and then around her. she loses rigidity by contrast, moving to drain her glass, set it aside, and pull her legs up onto the couch, then lying languid against him otherwise. shame does its best to obligate her into talking more, connecting more dots for him, or simply apologizing for doing this and for not doing this sooner. another year in the life of either Jessica Jones or Frank Castle is a miracle and thrown together, they shouldn't have lasted this long. she's sorry she wasted time.

she's grateful he believes her even though it makes him want to kill somebody. ]

I'm staying tonight. [ Jess says, patting her hand to his chest. she would pose it as a question if there were any need. he's not going to deny her anything right now, that's certain. she'll have to wait on time to tell if he sees or treats her any differently. the same goes for if he'll stay with her until morning or if he'll steal away to walk off his outrage once she passes out. ]

Yeah.

[ he agrees like there's any way he'd want her to leave after that. he leans his head back against the arm of the sofa and pushes a leg between hers so he can grip one thigh with both of his. he starts to soften up some too, as much as he ever does, one arm wrapped tightly around her waist while the other plays through her hair again. ]

If there's something... [ he frowns, not sure how to say it without his words twisting, coming out wrong. he tries to push past it the best he can. ] I think it's good. That you told me.

[ even if he feels like garbage right now, even if he's not sure what he'll ultimately do about that. he's still glad he knows, that she trusted him that much. ]

[ that's what the therapists say. it "helps," allegedly. it's never worked for her with one exception: Trish. Trish who paid for the shrink, paid her to treat Jess as though she believed her; Trish who woke her up from fitful sleeps and spent those fractured nights with her. Trish whom she failed, choosing self-medication over professional help, and whom she left, to take the spectre of her past traumas out of her home. ]

I thought if you didn't know, I could forget -- [ "easier," she means to say, but in an instant, her throat goes dry and her eyes turn wet, and she has to swallow down air and saliva before she can breathe again. it was the stupidest mistake, childish, and she's voicing it just the same, when she wishes she had he eloquence to admit she's been so paralyzed by the fear of old memories, she's sabotaged a hundred new ones. her body shakes within his hold, Jess painfully swallowing another potential sob. ]

[ it hurts - it's absolutely devastating seeing her this upset. there's nothing he can do to change the past, barely anything he can do to change the present. it's a constant frustration for him, as she knows, but with her he's been stronger, almost personlike really. he ducks his head to kiss her face, catching the corner of her brow as his fingers trace her spine. ]

I get it. [ it comes out in a wet, sticky wad as he tries to blink his own tears away before he can get started. his chest is tight with it still and he's wondering if they shouldn't go to bed where he can wrap around her three times as effectively. ] I get why you didn't.

[ he worries his lip between his teeth and rests his chin against her forehead again, stilling some. he's told her more about his past, stuff that she didn't already know, of course, and he's done much less research on her, but she still doesn't know everything. some things are just too hard, he could never hold it against her in the end. would never try.]

And I wish you could. [ forget it. forget him. shed this burden once and for all. ]

[ his kiss sparks a shiver that spurs her to move, hitching herself up his chest to hide her face in the crook of his neck. her fingers thread through the hair at the back of his head where she gently roots her grip. Jess shudders through more broken breaths until she can breathe in on her own terms. her skin is barely wet, that she can feel, her few tears soaked into her hair and eyelashes.

by the time she's able to speak, she's exhausted beyond trying. he doesn't need to hear that he does help her forget most of the time. he doesn't need to hear it right now, at least. it won't make a difference except to cheapen the truth of it. one glass of bourbon ago, she'd be attuned to how aware of that he is; for the moment, she assumes he's too upset to talk much, because that serves her just as well. the inside of her skull is one big ache from crying while not crying enough. she lies against him quietly, her eyes closed, her muscles warring with her brain to release tension symptomatic of surviving everything that she has. Jess doubts she'll feel herself falling asleep but is sure to pass out, her thoughts becoming choppy and swirling. several times, she inwardly reminds herself to tell him "four hours" and never does. ]

[ on some level, he already knows. enough things have gone unspoken between them over the past year that he's learned to read her unreadability to some extent. it doesn't surprise him at all when she falls asleep, knowing the day must have taken a lot out of her, to say nothing of the talk they just had. he holds her until everything in his body starts to protest and then he's slowly trying to unwind and slip out from under her. if she's still asleep or pliable enough, he'll gather her up into his arms and carry her to the bed. ]

[ He's a sneaky marine on his feet but he can't get out from under her without jostling her awake. The arm pinned between them is horribly cramped. her other limbs seem to be where the bourbon settled, heavy and hard to lift. nonetheless, she mumbles something like "I can walk" and "come on" without the wherewithal to sustain either sentence through its limited number of syllables.

Jess has no idea where they are in the apartment, either -- just getting up, halfway to bed, about to lie down. she blinks blearily as he carries her then surrenders with a sigh. if she has to admit to being lost then the fight is already over. ]

Water? [ she crackles curiously, upon being put down. she would have gotten it herself if he hadn't scooped her up in the first place. ]

[ he just laughs at her protests, placing her down on the pillows and sitting on the edge of the bed so he can lean in to kiss her forehead. ]

Yeah. You got it.

[ and anything else she wants, indefinitely. that's not because of what she told him either, though the temptation is to let this side of him go while she's still looking for changes in his behaviors. hoping she won't read into it, but she's smart. he's always ridiculously accommodating when it comes to her. he gets up reluctantly, after watching her a few more seconds, and goes to the kitchen to get her what she needs. he's happy to stretch his legs, dawdling a bit and refilling rocky's water before coming back in with her water glass and denting the spot he'd just risen from to hand it to her. ]

Listen, I... I'm gonna take the dog out for a bit. You need anything else before I go?

[ she orients herself on the bed using touch and memory, dragging pillows overtop of one another as a support for her shoulders, neck and head. she's too drunk to get out of bed, dizzy no matter if her eyes are open or closed. once it's being offered to her, Jess takes the water in both hands and has a deep drink that she nonetheless lets sits on her tongue before swallowing. it tastes like the nectar to soothe all ills, for as long as it's going down. ]

No. [ gulped between sips, a thin stream trickling from her lips to her collarbone. Jess then rolls onto her side, half her face stuffed into a pillow and the glass cradled to her chest. ] Be careful. [ blindly, she reaches across the bed to touch him before he leaves. ]

Got your phone? Keep it on, OK?

[ in case they need each other. hopefully he can stay out of trouble, though. her fingers connect with his thigh and he smiles, a wan expression as he drops a hand onto her head, stroking over her hair before stooping to kiss there too. the next few noises are him getting ready to go. boots, jacket, leash. all familiar sounds. it only takes him a few seconds, and he doesn't spare her a glance before gently shutting the door behind him and locking her in. ]

Sleep tight, Jess.

[ he says it to himself in the pale light of the hallway, taking out his phone to set an alarm for four hours even as rocky tries to tug him along. she doesn't have to tell him, he knows to come back before the dreams get bad, ]

[ her phone is in her jacket and her jacket is in the other room but Jess doesn't say anything. she could probably hear it vibrate from here, if she can hear the lock engage. her body rests while the eddies in her head and stomach continue to slowly churn. Jess drinks some more water and then puts it aside, hoping she'll fall asleep. she recalls as many scenes from the film as she can. when she runs out of those, she lists as many films as they've watched that come to mind. other thoughts intrude, vicious and hateful, and Jess forcibly steers away from them over and over, turning fitfully in bed despite her utter comfort and fatigue.

over what feels like an hour, she gradually writhes herself under the blanket. she takes a break from failing to sleep and catches sight of the time. she can't stop from wondering what the time was when he left. from there, her unravelling is quick and shameful -- but this time she's alone. Jess cries brutally, silent but hoarse, wracking her lungs and throat. she cries until she has to pull the pillow further down against her face and dampen a new edge. she cries until her stomach muscles are so gnarled and twisted she has to stumble to the bathroom to vomit, then she finally stops crying for a while. she uses the toilet and drinks from the sink before returning to bed, blanket pulled up to her waist and pillow flipped. Jess watches the clock while her eyes dry, devoid of thoughts for a short time, before she starts to sob again, and those are the tears that carry her to sleep. ]

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